| Author | |
anitamarie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Oct 15 2008
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 819
|
| Posted: Sept 06 2013 at 10:33am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
By devices I mean iPods, Kindles, iPads, computers, etc.
This is my quandary. I have two great kids. One is 15, one is 12, that have iPods. These are the touch version. Neither one of the kids uses the device for anything untoward. They are heavily monitored and can't add anything without us approving and entering password.
The problem is the 15yo cannot handle having access to the device during school or chore times. He just goofs off with it. So, that means he can't even have it for listening to his music while working. If he has it in his hand or anywhere near him, he starts playing.
The 12yo on the other hand, can moderate self just fine. She gets all her work and chores done, usually on time. She meets or exceeds expectations. All while having access to the device.
(It seems to demonstrate the boy issue with screens all the more to me.)
15yo is constantly arguing that he can be responsible (despite demonstrating otherwise 80 gazillion times), and why should she have hers, etc. I'm sure you can get the picture. He will also search for wherever it is hidden, (yes we have to hide it from him) including searching through our dressers/nightstands/closet, etc.
Are we wrong for taking this on a case by case basis? I can't see how. I've always felt that in the teen years, everything becomes a case by case basis. Prove yourself, earn it, demonstrate that you are ready, etc.
We've explained to him that since he cannot control himself and be responsible, we are helping him to do that. At least until he develops the self-control necessary, and can be responsible. He finds other ways to waste time, as well.
The 15yo is argumentative and strong-willed by nature. So he will keep after us (me especially) when he wants something. Sometimes that much arguing and tension makes me question our decisions.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to have one set of rules, but that seems putative to the responsible one.
Do you take each child separately as they get older? Or blanket rules? Any thoughts?
Thanks,
Anita
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Sept 06 2013 at 2:03pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
get a box.. with a lock.. lock the device in it and send the key to work with dad 
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Betsy
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 02 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1962
|
| Posted: Sept 06 2013 at 2:44pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I really don't have any helpful advice, except that I totally get what your are talking about.
When I am in these types of situations I do try to separate out each childs willfully choosing to do wrong versus something that is a huge temptation for them. Does that make sense? In other words, look at how hard the child is working on trying to overcome their temptations or natural tenancies and reward/punish that versus the absolute end goal.
For instance, I have seen children that can keep a bag of halloween candy until Christmas only eating a piece a day. My children would die trying to do that. So, to praise the first child for being so good at not eating all the candy might not be as great of exercise of virtue as it would be for one of my children to make their candy last for 2-3 weeks.
__________________
ImmaculataDesigns.com
When handcrafting my work, I always pray that it will raise your heart to all that is true, modest, just, holy, lovely and good fame!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kathryn
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2009
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1520
|
| Posted: Sept 06 2013 at 3:23pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
JodieLyn wrote:
| get a box.. with a lock.. lock the device in it and send the key to work with dad |
|
|
BEST.ADVICE.EVER!! Or you could just send the device with dad.  Either way, it's "out of your hands" during the day.
I get it too. I have that slick fingered one that's like an impulse and if he could hook an iv to his arm, he'd stay "wired" all day!
__________________
Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Sept 06 2013 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Sorry posting in bits and pieces.. it's really helpful with teen boys to make it between them and dad.. they'll respond much better.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
anitamarie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Oct 15 2008
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 819
|
| Posted: Sept 06 2013 at 4:51pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
JodieLyn wrote:
| get a box.. with a lock.. lock the device in it and send the key to work with dad |
|
|
Last year, it went to work with Dad. It's going to start doing that again Monday. 
But, he will still argue how unfair it is that she is allowed her device, we should give him a chance(like he hasn't already had many), etc, etc.
I don't see it as unfair at all that she gets to have hers, since she can handle it. He just doesn't get that.
Sometimes, he makes me think I'm the crazy one, hence the question.
And we gave him a list of changes to make that would show us that he might be showing enough responsibility, and he has yet to do them for more than one day in a row.
He really is a good kid, just not able to handle himself yet.
Thanks for the sympathy.
Anita
ETA: I have 4 great kids.(In the initial post I said that I had 2). But only 2 with iPods. I just re-read and thought that if the others ever saw the post they'd get mad! 
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SallyT
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 08 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2489
|
| Posted: Sept 06 2013 at 6:03pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I like the going to work with Dad. Otherwise, stay strong. Unfair as it may seem to him, it sounds as though this is a perfectly natural consequence for behavior that has been demonstrated time and again. (and I do totally get the good kid/not there with maturity thing . . . ).
Did you mention whether there's an end point to the iPod timeout? I think what I would do is confiscate it for some set period of time -- a week, two weeks, a month, whatever. If there are things you want him to do during this time as demonstrations of responsibility -- or cultivating responsible habits -- set those in motion during the timeout.
Then reset the game to zero, if you know what I mean. Spell out the terms again, let him have the device again with the understanding that it is to be used in the way you have outlined, and no other way. Any infraction of the rules results in loss of the device again, for the same period of time. If infractions continue to happen, extend the duration of the timeouts. On the other hand, if a day passes without an infraction, praise that as progress, as Betsy suggests.
My two younger kids have Kindle Fires, but their game selection on their devices is very, very limited, and they're locked out of them entirely most of the time, precisely because of the temptation thing. If there are lots of games on the iPod, what about removing some of them? Or all of them? And letting him earn them back? If he could listen to his music without the temptation of games, and develop the habit of having the device without the addictive draw of the games, maybe that would accomplish some good purpose? We haven't had iPod Touches, and I don't really know how they work, but it seems to me that making it less fun would be one way to establish positive habits of use.
Anyway, the immediate challenge -- and I always find it a challenge! -- is to stay cool and focused and not let yourself get talked around. Hang in there!
Sally
__________________
Castle in the Sea
Abandon Hopefully
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Sept 06 2013 at 6:19pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I do find that shorter periods of time and more chances seems to work better.. the longer it gets the less chances they have to "practise".. so we do one reminder because they can "suck you in" and then I get the "fire" for the rest of the day.. and they can try again the next day.. this works because it takes it away during their free time to use it in the evenings and they start fresh the next morning, and it's never so long that they feel it's hopeless to keep trying each day.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
MicheleQ
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 23 2005
Location: Pennsylvania
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2193
|
| Posted: Sept 12 2013 at 3:42pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My experience with boys (I have 7) is that they will wear you down with their arguments. It's tough so we have turned it all over to dad with the boys and these kinds of things. They can't wear him down and he can out argue them any day. 
__________________
Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
leanne maree
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 25 2008
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 508
|
| Posted: Sept 16 2013 at 5:59pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Not sure if this is helpful. But our dd loves to listen to music while she does her school work.
It's usually classical. I just allow it. She stops the music if she needs more. concentration. She sometimes has the music plugged into the headphones on the computer. Sometimes not.
She doesn't listen through an iPod.
Maybe allowing your ds to have the iPod at certain times will help.
Games are another matter though. You hav some great advic from. Others here though.
__________________
God is Love
Leanne
Loving wife to Dermot and Adoring mother to Louise, Kristie, Kieran & Brid
http://leannemaree.blogspot.com/
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
anitamarie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Oct 15 2008
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 819
|
| Posted: Sept 17 2013 at 11:41am | IP Logged
|
|
|
MicheleQ wrote:
| My experience with boys (I have 7) is that they will wear you down with their arguments. It's tough so we have turned it all over to dad with the boys and these kinds of things. They can't wear him down and he can out argue them any day. |
|
|
Thank you for this. I have noticed that he will argue more with me than Dad. There are a few areas that are completely Dad-run, but maybe we need to have him be the sole authority. Thanks!
Anita
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
anitamarie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Oct 15 2008
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 819
|
| Posted: Sept 17 2013 at 11:42am | IP Logged
|
|
|
leanne maree wrote:
Not sure if this is helpful. But our dd loves to listen to music while she does her school work.
It's usually classical. I just allow it. She stops the music if she needs more. concentration. She sometimes has the music plugged into the headphones on the computer. Sometimes not.
She doesn't listen through an iPod.
Maybe allowing your ds to have the iPod at certain times will help.
Games are another matter though. You hav some great advic from. Others here though. |
|
|
We decided to get an ISD card for his phone so he can listen to music without access to the games. I think this will help a little. It's really all about the games for him. They are such an attraction and a distraction!
Thanks.
Anita
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Sept 17 2013 at 4:36pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
You're making the iPod forbidden fruit. I've yet to see that go well.
I'd either ban all the devices until school assignments are done or give it to them all and have consequences for not getting their work done.
Such as deleting the game off the device.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Sept 17 2013 at 4:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I refuse to even lock our bedroom doors. If it's so bad I can't trust them, I'd get rid of it for good.
Also, the cycle of craving and reward and withdrawal and craving is an addiction cycle. I'd not like starting that.
Just my .02. Boys are very different than girls and I'm just saying I don't think that would have resolved the core problem with my 4 teen boys.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Different kids, diff rules for devices?
