| Author | |
motherheart
Forum Rookie
Joined: May 24 2011
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 83
|
| Posted: July 05 2013 at 6:26pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Hello,
I need some advice, please, to stop these behaviors in my children.
My seven and four year old sons call each other names and call me and sometimes my husband names as well. No matter what I have done so far, I have not been able to curb this bad habit. My oldest son (14 years old) does this from time to time, too, to his siblings, but not to me. However, he is the worst of the bunch with saying bad words.
My 10 and 12 year old daughters rarely do either of these things.
Did you have a problem with this? How did you stop it? Or-did you effectively stop it before it became a problem? I appreciate all advice!
Thank you,
__________________
Mary
Mom to  ds 16, dd 14, dd 13, ds 9, ds 6, and 4 in Heaven
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
cathhomeschool
Board Moderator
Texas Bluebonnets
Joined: Jan 26 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 7303
|
| Posted: July 05 2013 at 7:36pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
We wash mouths out with soap. If it doesn't work, the next time I use lots more soap (and they don't get to rinse or drink water afterwards). Once that wasn't enough and a dot of tabasco on the tongue was enough to remind mine to guard his tongue. This works pretty well for us.
__________________
Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Betsy
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 02 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1962
|
| Posted: July 05 2013 at 9:00pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
cathhomeschool wrote:
| We wash mouths out with soap. If it doesn't work, the next time I use lots more soap (and they don't get to rinse or drink water afterwards). |
|
|
Do you ever worry about soap poisoning????
Sorry, I couldn't resist!  
__________________
ImmaculataDesigns.com
When handcrafting my work, I always pray that it will raise your heart to all that is true, modest, just, holy, lovely and good fame!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Erin
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 23 2005
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5814
|
| Posted: July 06 2013 at 12:44am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Betsy wrote:
cathhomeschool wrote:
| We wash mouths out with soap. If it doesn't work, the next time I use lots more soap (and they don't get to rinse or drink water afterwards). |
|
|
Do you ever worry about soap poisoning????
Sorry, I couldn't resist! |
|
|
Apple cider vinegar is effective too
Truth is, I've only ever had to do it once (for a child or two) they remembered really well.
__________________
Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: July 06 2013 at 6:02am | IP Logged
|
|
|
It is hard. With our oldest being 9 rather than 14, my crew is still sheltered enough that the words themselves are not the worst, but one child in particular does use the word "idiot" a lot in response to frustration with his brothers.
And I'm so embarassed that the 2 year old says, "Shoot, Mom" wheneveer he spills or makes a mess. One of those times I'm glad I was spared the potty mouth habit myself, but still  because he must hear me express my frustration quite often! 
I haven't done much more than basic/stern correction at this point with the use of "idiot" because I know that when it is used, he is usually feeling desparate. His older brother has never known when to quit doing something that he thinks is funny even when no one else does, even when the object of his fun has clearly objected. He can also be quite bossy as the oldest, which is natural, but still a source of intense frustration to his younger brothers at times.
This brings to mind memories of when my younger sister would hit me. I never understood because I didn't hit her! It wasn't until years later when we were young adults that I finally understood that my sister didn't know how to respond to my words. When I am upset or impassioned, the words spew forth. For her, they get buried deeper. She knew she'd never "win" an argument with me and expressed herself in the way that made her feel she was matching my forcefulness, and honestly, my words were probably just as or more painful than her punch even if they weren't technically bad ones.
Anyway, I hesitate to punish my younger child too severely because, while it is a bad habit, I'm not convinced his punishment should be more severe than that of his older brother who is adept at causing frustration without his action being quite so identifiably wrong. He doesn't always "deserve" it, but sometimes he was probably at least asking for it, iykwim, and without hearing the entire exchange, I find it difficult to make a judgment to single out the younger child simply because "idiot" rings forth so much more clearly through the rafters than persistent pestering.
And that is my really long way of saying that, to me, the context of the word use and the specific words used (hearing the Lord's name in vain would certainly constitute a STRONG reaction on my part!) would affect my response. Calling MOM names? Definitely soap worthy.
If it were an equal exchange of insults, then I would also be inclined to use soap or some other specific punishment. Perhaps writing sentences? I'm pretty sure we did soap in the past, and I while I can't remember the particulars, I rememberr it was indeed effective because it never needed to be done more than a couple of times. Sentences are also pretty effective for my 9 year old, though my 7 year old is too young, imo.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
cathhomeschool
Board Moderator
Texas Bluebonnets
Joined: Jan 26 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 7303
|
| Posted: July 06 2013 at 8:41am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Betsy wrote:
cathhomeschool wrote:
| We wash mouths out with soap. If it doesn't work, the next time I use lots more soap (and they don't get to rinse or drink water afterwards). |
|
|
Do you ever worry about soap poisoning????
Sorry, I couldn't resist! |
|
|
Nah, but one of my sons did. I told him that it wouldn't kill him but it was good if he didn't like it as it would remind him to watch his mouth in the future.
As Lindsay said, I do look at context too of course. None of mine say cuss words so we're dealing with things on the order of stupid, fat, dumb and made up insults. At my house those things are said out of frustration to hurt another (not a random exclamation because someone stubbed a toe). I do periodically have a discussion with the kids about watching our exclamatory words (being responsible) for the sake of younger ears. IMO It's not nearly as acceptable to hear 'crap' or 'shoot' (often what I say ) from a 10yo. So I'm trying to be better myself too.
__________________
Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
pumpkinmom
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 28 2012
Location: Missouri
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1028
|
| Posted: July 06 2013 at 12:04pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
When this happens in our house I stop and think about who my kids have been around and what they have been watching on tv. This is usually the problem. My son came home from scout camp last year with a potty mouth. He was told why we don't talk that way and he needed to excuse himself from conversations with others when the language was not up to our standards. He was told if I heard anymore out of his mouth then scouts would be over. This fixed it immediately. We also got rid of the satellite because just rude comments and language were being picked up. I usually pre-watch any new shows that come up Netflix that my boys want to watch. It's amazing how being around someone for just a few minutes can erase years of good habit teaching. This is just with my oldest as my youngest is not as impressionable.
Making sure my kids are getting plenty of exercise and sleep and time alone also help with sibling bickering.
__________________
Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
Tending the Pumpkin Patch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Pilgrim
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 28 2007
Location: Wisconsin
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1286
|
| Posted: July 06 2013 at 12:39pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
We've used hot sauce or vinegar, too. I prefer both of these, as there is no chemicals, etc, and the child can't claim you're trying to "poison them", only that you're trying to "torture them"  ! These seem to be a bit more friendly, at least, in the fact that they ARE supposed to be food.
__________________
Wife 2 my bf, g14,b8,g&b6,g4,g3,g1 1/2,4 ^i^
St. Clare Heirloom Seeds coupon 4Real 20% off
St. Clare Audio
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: July 06 2013 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
We have a zero tolerance policy for name-calling. Here is another link to how we implement a zero tolerance policy. Within that link is another example from our home.
We say, "That's name-calling. Rephrase."
Usually name-calling is connected to not having another communication tool to go to or an unwillingness to use it. Getting used to a tool and choosing to use it takes a lot of practice!
The main tool we use is "Use your words. Walk away. Get help." To expand, each family member is expected to follow this 3 part plan:
1. Each of us needs to say what we need to say using proper language. Ex: "Stop pushing me around!" "Hey, you're going to get into trouble if you do that!" "I'm exhausted. Please leave me alone."
2. If the other person doesn't listen, then each of us is expected to walk away, not engage, leave the premises. This is to not fuel the fire.
3. If the other person follows and continue to be unkind, then it is time to get help, usually from mom or dad. My kids will come to me and say, "I used my words, I walked away, now I'm asking for help." I will confirm with the other kid, "Did he use his words but you didn't listen?" And we go from there getting both sides of the story.
Here's another powerful tool. Ask the child who is name-calling (or any other mean behavior) "How is that kind or loving?" I did this for YEARS and it sunk in! Now my young adult children will tease each other, "How is that kind or loving?"
So the deal is, we can't be mean to each other I don't care what form it takes. Sure, we'll make mistakes, but we need to do our best to be kind and loving toward each other. We each need to be responsible for our behaviors and feelings! No bullies or victims!
As for nasty words, it was WAY easier when they were young. For potty mouth talk I would send them to the bathroom, "If you want to talk potty talk, do it in the bathroom." Yes, I will do this NOW with TEENS . But as young adults, my kids are choosing to use some words that I don't like, not flat out cussing but just...you know. Sadly, these last few months have been so stressful that I find myself using some of these words . I comfort myself that while they may not be the most classy words, they aren't sins, and we're especially cautious to never hurl a word AT A PERSON. Sometimes these words are little bursts of frustration coming out of the mouths of mouthy people . But it is truly unrealistic to expect my 17yo baseball playing son to say something like "Jeepers kitties!" Soooooo I'm weathering the teen years by allowing them room to meander this road to find ways to fit into their reality. Yes, I may not like some of the language my young adults use, but I value that they connect with a wide variety of peers and common language is a part of that. As they mature, so will their social circles and sophisticated language.
Ooops, I strayed a bit from the OP but I was on a roll . Hope something in this post helps  .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
3ringcircus
Forum Pro
Joined: Dec 15 2011
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 420
|
| Posted: July 30 2013 at 8:24pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Angie, that's a great post! Very helpful, and I will be using your suggestions. Hope you don't mind my asking one question, though.
What do you recommend to the child who was playing quietly and who gets approached by a teasing sibling? If he walks away instead of using bad language (or screaming, in the case of our youngest), then he is leaving a play area that was rightfully his in that instance. Is that when "get help" comes into play?
__________________
Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: July 30 2013 at 9:31pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thanks, Christine. I would encourage the child to say, "I don't like being teased" or "please stop teasing me." If the teasing continues, walk away. At this point, the child decides how much he wants/needs to continue playing as before. Sometimes the child will move onto something. But let's say the child was in the middle of completing a puzzle, then yes, he can get help from me. He would say something like, "Mom, Aiden is teasing me. I used my words. He won't stop so I walked away, but I want to finish my puzzle." Again, I would get the other child involved and get both sides of the story and proceed.
Did that answer your question? I love talking about this kind of stuff, so please as my to clarify if I was unclear :)
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
krygerzoo
Forum Rookie
Joined: Aug 12 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 91
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2013 at 6:51am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Angie Mc wrote:
But it is truly unrealistic to expect my 17yo baseball playing son to say something like "Jeepers kitties!"
|
|
|
Hilarious!!!!! Oh, I'm going to try to get this one past my kiddos sometime today!!!! Cutest "cuss word" ever!
When my oldest son was about 5yo, he knew he wasn't allowed to call anyone names. He got so frustrated with a little sibling and in his angry voice blurted out, "Babyhead!" That was about 16 yrs ago and we still use that term when we are ribbing one another!
__________________
Peace, Katherine
wife to David '89, mom to +Kaden Michael (8/15/94-5/10/05), DD'97, DS'99, DD'01, DS'05, (+baby'08), DS'09, (+baby'12) & DD '13
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SallyT
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 08 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2489
|
| Posted: Aug 14 2013 at 7:38am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I know I struggle a lot with that dynamic of the one kid who just. cannot. stay away. from the other child closest to him in age -- cannot keep his hands off her, cannot resist teasing her . . . and then she ends up in trouble because she's the noisemaker (and also not exactly the dewy-eyed innocent she would like us to think she is).
Language hasn't been a problem in our house so much, but antagonism is huge for us. Obviously part of the solution is to teach him that he can and should resist teasing her, touching her, messing with her . . . but not much seems to work. And teaching her not to screech . . . again, I dunno. She's the youngest and tends to retreat into this baby thing, even though she's almost 10.
I need to do another push of exactly the procedure Angie describes -- we start school Monday, and I'm looking at that as the start date for a number of new household procedures for the year. Adding "dealing with conflict" to the mix . . .
Sally
__________________
Castle in the Sea
Abandon Hopefully
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: kids calling names and using bad words
