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myheaven1967
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 11:29am | IP Logged
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My husband is not Catholic yet, and plans on going through the conversion this fall.
So keep this in mind.
I recently did my devotion to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. I arise everyday around 5:30 to say my prayers. This includes on Sundays. My husband only has 1 day off a week, Sundays.
He e-mailed me this morning asking if we go to Church on Saturday evening, can I please stay home on Sunday. Not thrilled, but yes, I can do that.
Then I asked, are you ok with me getting up to say my prayers and then coming back to bed. Honestly it takes me about 45 minutes to an hour to say all my prayers. I could cut down time and not say some prayers, but still rosary and the other 2 prayers that I feel very drawn to would still put me over 1/2 an hour.
His response? Well that is 2 to 3 hours we don't have together, and Sunday is my only day off to spend with the whole family.
Umm... at 5:30 in the morning he is sleeping.
Yesterday he scolded me like a child for leaving my reading glasses on the kitchen table.
I feel like he is looking for a fight. I don't want to fight with him. Do I give up my Sunday prayers all together to appease him? I honestly do not know how to respond to this, so have not.
It isn't like I would snuggle more. I would just sleep. Or worse yet, lay there and want to get up and do my prayers and toss and turn.
What do I do?
He is a very needy man. He needs lots of physical touch, in the form of snuggles and hugs. We went for a hike with our boys yesterday and he made this HUGE deal of me snuggling with him. Because you know I never do.
So knowing he really has some serious love need. Do I give up my prayers in the morning? Is he going to then ask me to give up my prayers every morning?
I am afraid! (Not in a physical way. I am not afraid of harm.) But afraid of ??
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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Mackfam
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 11:46am | IP Logged
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I certainly don't think there is anything to be afraid of here. 
As a mom of littles, I have to spread my prayer time out throughout the day. I just don't have one long stretch of prayer time. I do start my day with prayers, but my little morning prayers take maybe 10 - 15 min while I nurse the baby. Then I work in the rest of my prayers throughout the day. It's actually quite enjoyable and a way of consecrating my daily duties. It helps me remember that I work in service to God and to my little family and that my physical work throughout the day (laundry, dishes, tidying, diaper change time, etc.) can be prayerfully anchored to God's will.
Why couldn't you just say your prayers throughout the day on Sunday instead of all in one sitting since this is important to your husband?
One decade silently while you're doing the dishes?
One more decade while you swish the bathroom sink clean?
Another prayer on your way to the mailbox?
And so on...
You can make a little notecard for your apron pocket with a list of your daily prayers and just work your way through them quietly throughout the day.
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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myheaven1967
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 11:51am | IP Logged
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Thank you Jen.
You are right. I so enjoyed the time during my consecration, that I guess I forgot that this home and this marriage are my calling in this life.
I need to show them love and care before anything else.
Maybe I can even tuck some prayers written down under my pillow so when I do wake early, I can say them in bed. I won't disturb him by getting out of bed. As I think that must be the issue. But will just quietly go through my prayers while still in bed.
Thank you for responding. I feel dreadful not knowing how to answer him. I did ask him if there was something else bothering him. And if we need to talk. But I did not refuse.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 11:53am | IP Logged
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Or rather than getting up you can stay in bed and say your prayers and honor your husband by staying with him.
Having a dh who is gone a lot for work, I have to say that the sleeping mind still seems to know that someone is there or not. When my dh is working long hours and getting home right at bedtime and leaving before I get up.. I still feel like I've had time with him emotionally even though that time was almost all with us sleeping. And the babies that have shared a bed with us also keep that connection from just being together while asleep.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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myheaven1967
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 11:56am | IP Logged
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Jodie our posts must have just crossed.
Yes I agree.
I was being selfish and I did not even realize it.
I don't wear my apron enough! Time to start.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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JennGM
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 12:09pm | IP Logged
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When my husband is home, my prayer times shift a bit. I get your husband wanted to not be disturbed...sleeping in together. It's a couple thing.
It's harder to change the schedule, but your husband is worth it!
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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Mackfam
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 12:26pm | IP Logged
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myheaven1967 wrote:
| I was being selfish and I did not even realize it. |
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I don't know your interior disposition here, so I can't say for sure, but it didn't sound like selfishness to me. It seems more like seeking ways to brainstorm how to balance your vocation as wife and mother with your very good desire to continue to foster your prayer life. And we all do that! Don't be so hard on yourself!
Jodie reminded me of something when it comes to husbands - and that is how we work to say yes to them when we're able - especially on things that are important to them. I mean, be reasonable here! I'm not encouraging an unreasonable slavishness!!!  But just because your dh asks you to do something doesn't necessarily mean he's asking you to NOT do something else.
There can and should be a give and take between husband/wife. As a general rule, my husband and I have a *who-feels-strongest-about-this* rule, and it has worked out well for us. If he expresses a strong preference for something, I do my best to accommodate because if I feel strongly about something he works hard to accommodate me. If dh asks me to do something that seems unreasonable to me, I can ask him to help me understand why he's asking that of me - or what he's really seeking. Getting to the heart of the matter. In your case, your husband was valuing his day off and time spent with you - every single minute. Find ways to make that happen while accommodating your prayer time as well.
Anyway...just wanted to encourage you not to be so hard on yourself - just try to get in the habit of asking yourself, "HOW can I say yes to this?" if it's reasonable. It's the how that often needs a little brainstorming - that's all!
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Jen Mackintosh
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myheaven1967
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 12:31pm | IP Logged
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I guess that is why I came here. I cannot imagine being able to "bounce this off of" people in my life. They would not have been as accommodating of my husband but still show me ways to fulfill my needs as well.
I guess I knew his next question would be to stop getting up early during the week as well as the weekend. That is what I feared. But knowing I can do these prayers, any of them and all of them, while doing other things, made me realize I can still answer his needs as well as my own.
It is not my ideal of what *I* wanted. But it is a reasonable solution.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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JodieLyn
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Something else to keep in mind. It's been sounding to me like you've fairly recently become much more involved in being Catholic than you had been. And you're changing lots of things in your life.
Change can be hard on people especially if they're not feeling the same tug toward something as you are. You're changing your normal and he's not really ready for that.
Sometimes taking things slower than you want helps keep everyone on the same page. If you feel afraid that you won't get to something if you don't do it all *right now*.. make a list and add in one thing and let that feel normal to the rest of the family and then add in the next thing.
An example of this from my life is that both DH and I grew up with stockings and Santa Claus on Christmas eve. So rather than give up this lovely tradition from both of our families we worked at modifying it... we have St. Nick come for his feast day.. and then he comes again as Santa Claus to celebrate Christmas... it kept our ties to the past, keeping our extended family included.. but we were still able to introduce to our children the celebration of St. Nicholas. Again we both grew up with setting up the Christmas Tree the weekend after Thanksgiving.. and I'd read a lot about putting up the decoration on Christmas Eve my dh wasn't sure about changing it but I asked him if we could try it out and rather than going all that way away from what our extended families did we just tried moving it closer to Christmas.. and it never made any difference until we tried out waiting until Christmas Eve, when after we tried it we both, together decided we liked it.. but it was never *change everything around at once and drop traditions willy-nilly* but rather slowly shifting one thing around and finding where we can make it fit.. sometimes dropping one thing for another, sometimes just adding the new thing.. letting it evolve rather than forcing the change to happen *right now*.
It's a lot like when you're first married and you have to coordinate your family traditions and ways with his.. you don't drop all of his and only keep yours.. you keep them both and combine them or choose one over the other for some things and alternate for some things.. lots of compromise.. but over time you figure out what you like and keep those things and it may be from your family or his.
Now you're wanting to add in lots of Catholic pieces, traditions, praying, "little ways" and what you need to do is to adapt slowly enough that the change isn't unsettling and remember to keep those things that may not be Catholic but also don't have to be replaced.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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myheaven1967
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 1:27pm | IP Logged
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Thank you Jodie. You nailed that on the head.
Adding all this and moving very fast, is way to overwhelming for him. I do need to slow down. I guess in wanting him to want it all too, I didn't take into consideration his needs. Yes, slower is much better. You are very correct. And like what was pointed out earlier, I can do it in little bits throughout the day versus all one lump sum in the morning. That may help me focus more during the day too. I tend to get sidetracked.....
I was so worried you would all think I was judging and complaining about my husband. But honestly I just didn't know how to work through what was happening.
Thank you for being so caring.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 2:12pm | IP Logged
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Jill, I have so btdt. Have you read about "The Temperament God Gave You"? Or "The 5 Love Languages"? I find them very helpful in understanding others and why things I don't think are important are to someone else the most important.
Slowing down is hard. Very hard. Man I want an answer and I want it now and I don't like being kept in limbo on what's going on  Then I married a wonderful contemplative thinking (when not on the fireline) firefighter. You know they say that you're supposed to be helping your spouse to be a better person.. and those are some traits that for love of my husband I've had to seriously curb and maintain control of.
But there are wonderful blessings when I give him the time and space he needs. I can get his full support or know not to bother with something.. and yeah, there are times when I can't get an answer from him about something but then I give it enough time and a new answer presents itself that is completely different than what I saw at first as a black and white issue and is something we're both agreeable too.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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myheaven1967
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 2:21pm | IP Logged
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I have the 5 love languages, no, I have not actually read it yet. I never heard of the other.
My father passed away when I was just 2 years old. I have always had a tough time with men after his death.
Just needing to refocus.
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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SallyT
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Another thought, if he's amenable, is to invite him to join you in at least some of your prayers. Maybe he doesn't want to do the whole routine with you, but would he like to start the day with you in prayer? I say this as someone who was totally resistant to that suggestion from my husband at the beginning of our marriage -- 23 years later, we're just now really committing to learning to pray *together,* and it's great, because he's disciplined, and I'm not . . .
It is easy -- speaking as the spouse who was on the "outside" for a long time -- to look at the spouse who has a discipline of prayer and to feel that that person is sort of living on this monastic schedule, in a monastic interior world, while family life goes on a around them. It is also easy to feel overwhelmed at the thought of joining in, and to say, "Nah, no thanks," if the invitation is made. But that doesn't mean it's not worth making the invitation. After all, for most of the week you're praying alone, but this is the day when he's home, and you could use the support and encouragement, right? And while your body likes to snuggle, your soul likes to "snuggle," as well, in prayer together, even if it's only a little of what you'd do on your own. As Jodie so wisely said, slow is good, but making the overture to invite him into that part of your life -- the life of your soul -- is also a very good thing to try.
Sally
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myheaven1967
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If I were to invite him in, wow what a thought... What would be a simple spot to invite him in to? What were the first prayers you did with your husband together?
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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SallyT
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| Posted: July 01 2013 at 8:32pm | IP Logged
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Well, you can pray in bed . . . :)
We do one "hour" of the Liturgy of the Hours together -- either Morning or Evening Prayer -- usually on our front porch, because the weather has been so nice. Otherwise we'd be likely to pray in the living room, where we have the Sacred Heart enthroned. We both find praying the psalms together easier than praying extemporaneously. We also pray some short prayers from the Confraternity for Angelic Warfare, specifically for chastity (we pray for "authentic marital chastity"). You could use any part of the prayers you already say on your own -- whatever you think would be most congenial to your husband, and maybe not that much at first -- but that's what we do.
All of this, incidentally, is part of some intense preparation we're doing this summer -- instigated by my husband -- for our twenty-fifth anniversary, which is in about 18 months. We want to renew our vows, and we agreed that we wanted to spend a lot of time being sure that when we say those words again, we mean them in even deeper and richer ways than we did when we said them the first time. A book we're reading together suggests making a Rule of Life for our marriage, so we did . . . it involves a lot of things, like being generous in our support for each other's interests, serving each other, setting limits with kids in order to have time and energy for each other, etc, etc, etc, but one thing we wanted to resolve together was to be a *praying* couple for the rest of our life together. In addition to our prayers, we meditate together daily on our Rule and commit ourselves to it again.
So this didn't just come out of nowhere. And I'll freely admit again that although both of us are converts to Catholicism, *I* was the spouse who didn't want to have anything to do with my husband's idea of a prayer life for too many years. I'm grateful to have the opportunity of a fresh start. And I'm glad that the children, whom we pray with at intervals during the day, get to see us praying together on our own, too, like it's something we'd do even if we weren't trying to instruct them all the time.
Anyway, that's the backstory for the praying-together thing.
Sally
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myheaven1967
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My husband and I will be married for 23 years this summer. What book is this that you write of?
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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SallyT
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Gregory Popcak's Holy Sex. It's about a lot more than the second word of the title, though it's certainly about that, too. We're about halfway through it, and I highly recommend it as a marriage "refresher" course. In many ways it's the preparation I wish we'd had before we married (our preparation consisted of half an hour with the minister who married us, who said that when his wife made him breakfast, he thanked her, and that was his marital advice). Better late than never.
Sally
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SallyT
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Another thought, at the risk of flooding the thread --
Of course there are many good books of basic Catholic prayers out there, but we have been using (in addition to the LOTH) a little booklet of prayers which the priests of the Miles Christi order give out at their silent Ignatian retreats. My husband has made this retreat annually over the few years, so we have enough for our family at this point . . . Anyway, he mentioned to me the other day, in the course of some conversation or other, that they would happily send out a booklet or two in exchange, if possible, for a small donation to their order. There's contact info on their website.
They're very nice little books -- I was just using mine for morning prayers by myself, since my husband is at Scout camp with one of our sons, and making a Spiritual Communion since day-camp drop-off for my younger children conflicted with this morning's Mass. Anyway, they have all kinds of wonderful prayers and litanies, pretty much anything you'd want for virtually any occasion (Sacred Heart litany, Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Litany of Humility, morning prayers including Spiritual Communion and Morning Offering, Examination of Conscience and stuff about Confession, prayers for Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament -- you name it, it's there), and it's a nice pocket size. I was thinking, as I prayed, about trying to get them to send me copies to send home with my First Communion students, so that families could use them . . .
Anyway, I also thought of you. These are nice little books to have at your bedside, and you could pick and choose what you might like to pray together. Maybe just a couple of basic prayers at first. Maybe he'd like to look through the book and choose which ones he would find most meaningful to start with. This might be a beautiful way, too, for you to enter into his conversion journey -- after all, we're all seeking further conversion every day, so it's not as though you're at the finish line waiting for him to catch up. You can make a commitment to walk alongside him, learning and praying with him, as an important -- as the primary -- component of the time you have with each other. God gives you the time together; what better thing could you do with that time than to turn around, together, and consecrate it to Him? (Popcak also points out that lovemaking in Christian marriage can and should be a form of prayer -- we learn to love God by loving our spouse. So if that's what somebody wants to do on Sunday morning, maybe even before formal prayer . . . I think God has no problem with that!)
OK, enough thread-flooding. These are just things that I've been finding life-enriching lately, in both my marriage and my spiritual life, which really are inseparable, as I increasingly discover. I hope some of this will bless your life's pilgrimage, too.
Sally
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Servant2theKing
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Jill, the dear ladies here have shared some wonderful thoughts and resources with you already. I would only echo ~ whatever you do, keep things simple. From things you have shared, it sounds as though your dear husband may not be ready for the fullness our beloved Faith ~ yet. My own dh was very similar in the early years of my return to the Faith ~ it took more than a decade before he was ready to take the final leap of joining the Church. Our mutual journey probably began with a simple Our Father, prayed on our knees beside our bed, during a particularly difficult discussion. While he willingly takes part in many devotions now, it has been a long, gradual journey for him, and for our entire family. A single Our Father, Hail Mary or Memorare, prayed with earnest sincerity, can move hearts and mountains ~ even from our pillow on a quiet Sunday morning! Praying along with you for your dh and all spouses! 
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myheaven1967
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Thank you Servant2theKing. I had been thinking about the Hail Mary prayer as well. He also has never from what I know, made the sign of the Cross. Another small but big step to make. Baby steps. Yes, he is very overwhelmed with the strides I have made.
He feels God has called him to be a Father and wants to really be a good one, but does not yet realize that also entails leading the family, and following Christ.
He will get there. I know. I have to be patient.
I have seen the book Holy Sex, now I need to look at it again. I think the library had it..
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Jill: Wife to Kurt, mother to 1 dd and 4 ds
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Oh the husband
