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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 14 2013 at 11:36pm | IP Logged
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It's not always the same one in particular but what do you do with a child that tends to grunt, groan, complain etc. while attempting to do even a fun activity together?
I'm not sure I should spin off on specific examples because I think the jist of what I've tried to encourage is to instill a happy heart or at least one that can find the joy in the situation. The attitude wears off prob. esp. on me and I don't know how to deal with that. Is there a way to instill a more joyful attitude in a more pessimistic child (not even sure that's the right term)? Or, how do you handle when everyone wants to do something and one child decides to be a "party pooper" and bring everyone else down.
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Kathryn in TX
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 15 2013 at 5:57am | IP Logged
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I started this thread a while back about Raising Eeyore, so I know a little of what you mean. I'm not sure it has changed the child, but the the suggestion there to approach his discontent and complaints as a matter of truthfulness has helped my attitude in dealing with him and given me a response to offer other than frustration. This child is especially sensitive to any hint of correction or any word spoken harshly, so it is really important for me to find ways to correct him that can be said in a light-hearted way. Otherwise, he really will make a situation miserable for us all.
I do look forward to hearing the responses from others because we've been dealing with a bout of ungratefulness and extra complaining from all the boys lately, and it is VERY hard for me to not take it personally. Grumbling about chores is one thing. Sure, it is irritating  (who is making the messes here?), but it seems natural. But then, when Eeyore looks glum at breakfast and says something like, "I don't really feel like pancakes," as if a breakfast of blueberry pancakes is this great hardship in his life, oh boy. He's been a sulker his whole life, and I don't know that I can change his temperament, but I think a helpful stategy for me is to brainstorm some pat responses to frequent situations so I'm not caught without something to say and respond emotionally in the moment.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 15 2013 at 10:43am | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| But then, when Eeyore looks glum at breakfast and says something like, "I don't really feel like pancakes," as if a breakfast of blueberry pancakes is this great hardship in his life, oh boy. |
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Oh my goodness!  That is kind of EXACTLY what I'm talking about too. I'm usu. say something like, "uhh...you could go without food"?! That's on my good day. 
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Kathryn in TX
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Mrs. A
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| Posted: June 15 2013 at 8:39pm | IP Logged
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I'm interested to hear replies as well. I have one child who has this tendency. I do try to make it a point to ask her to say something she is thankful for when she complains in a given situation. Sometimes it helps, but other times she's still put out over whatever she doesn't like. I want to keep a gratitude journal, but I forget most of the time and she's not quite writing yet, so she can't do it on her own.
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cheesehead mom
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| Posted: June 19 2013 at 8:38am | IP Logged
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Mine is 9 and more of a whiner and honestly as he is getting older I have started to pull out commandments on him...when he whines back at me he is being disrespectful/disobedient and I am calling him on it now. His other issue is to make outlandish statements "he never has to do that job...or why do I ALWAYS have to take out the trash" and I am calling him on that too--I mean it is is lying and I try to do it in a calm way and remind him of the facts of what he is saying...but honestly it grates at me. Will also enjoy reading comments from other people whose kids think their life is 'so unfair!' 
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 19 2013 at 2:22pm | IP Logged
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Zero tolerance for whining & complaining here.
I have an unusually low tolerance for complaining so I'm naturally on it when it happens. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard that helps me to nip it in the bud immediately & consistently.
So I don't tend to even engage in discussion about the content of the complaining, I just focus on the complaining itself as not being an option. I'm quick to say "Stop. That's complaining. Rephrase."
Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really really intolerant of complaining. If a child tries to push it with me, then I slam it down hard, asking questions, "So, this isn't good enough for you?...So you have no responsibility here?...So you're a victim?"....etc. I try to redirect their thoughts to the truth which is, complaining accomplishes absolutely nothing and is a bad habit not to be practiced.
Also, we don't allow one person to "bring everyone down." Each member of the family is responsible for their own happiness. We don't engage in negative behavior. We don't "feed that lion." Negative attention seeking behaviors on the part of a child does not mean that we take the bait!
This topic is very similar to backtalk.
Stay strong, mama!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 19 2013 at 3:49pm | IP Logged
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Interesting...it's obvious (as if I didn't know) that this appears to be an on-going issue in our home that is yet to be resolved.  I will def. have to re-read and recharge from that past thread.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 19 2013 at 4:04pm | IP Logged
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Ok, so I didn't re-read everything from the old thread but prob. the biggest help (from over a year ago) was making the Top 10 lists. That helped keep me focused on the positives instead of being weighed down by the negs.
Also, The Love Language book was good to help know what motivates people from within.
I will say that we moved to our 1 acre "mini" farm in the city so there are more outside physical chores for him. He most def. loves running the mower and since the riding mower broke he's hand-pushed and it takes about 2 days to do that and he doesn't complain at all! However, here is an example of something that irks me in regards to the chickens that he was so desperate to get before anyone else. Ex:
Me: Can you put the chickens up?
Him: some form of...Didn't I just do that last time? Isn't it so and so's turn? Why do I always have to do it?
His behavior is exceptionally better than it was from the original post 1 year ago re backtalk and to be honest, that's b/c we started him on some medicine. It just became so apparent (and is now when he's off the med) that some of this was not always willful defiance but a matter of him physiologically not being mature enough or capable enough to control those impulses of behavior including running off at the mouth. So, although the exchange above might still irritate me b/c it's coming from a "woe is me" attitude, it is def. done with a more subdued manner and tone...like he's genuially asking "why me?".
So, I guess that was what this new topic was about in creating more of a cheerful response instead of this Eyeore type complex that Lindsay mentioned in another thread.
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Kathryn in TX
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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 19 2013 at 4:17pm | IP Logged
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Ok...here's one more example. I just walked in there while he was flipping the tv channels and asked him to please move the clothes from the washer to the dryer. I could tell he wasn't happy but he didn't say anything. He started to say something that would have in effect been "why me?" but he stopped himself. I then just looked right at him, smiled and said thank you.
I know this is a child that likes structure and routine and wants to know what's expected and when. So, that's where a lot of his frustration comes. I guess how can I better handle/approach this or help him better understand that there will be times in life when unexpected things occur or are needed?
This post did actually include another child as well but there are different issues there so I'll just stick to the DS for now since that original post related back to him.
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 19 2013 at 7:25pm | IP Logged
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Boy, Angie, your philosophy sounds like my own except that it doesn't seem to be nearly so effective with #3 and it was with #s 1 and 2. I've never tolerated whining, and my oldest, when tempted to complain, does temper them by starting out with a "I don't want to tell you this, mom, but..." I can't always laugh, of course, and will sometimes cut him off sharply with a , "then don't." But it does seem that my no tolerance policy has at least been communicated and understood if not always heeded.
But # 3 doesn't whine so much as sulk and mope. And his expression of his displeasure is sometimes passive aggressive. Like, "I'm not eating" in protest of not sitting where he wanted. He is only 4 (5 in September) but was an early talker and is very verbal, which I think sometimes has made me expect more mature behaviors than he is ready for. Still, I have a much harder time knowing how to approach these corrections with him. With my older two, I could be firm, occassionally too sharp, but they responded. With him, a very simple, firm correction will make him shut down like flipping a switch. If you express exasperation, forget it!
Now, when it is, "I'm not eating," it is fairly straight forward in dealing. Frustrating, but options are clear. Fine, don't eat, but you'll have to sit on the stairs rather than mope in a puddle under the table. And once he makes up his mind to come around, it is like that switch again in the other direction.
But when it is my saying, "Why do you still not have your shoes on? We've got to leave!" And then he collapses into the floor saying he's not going.  He is slow to do anything, and time will usually be all that is needed for him to decide to obey, even saying that cheerful, "yes, mom," oftentimes making ammends, etc... But it doesn't happen until he's decided he's good and ready, and it is physically next to impossible to force him before then.
So, this is what I mean when I say he has the ability makes things miserable for the rest of us. I don't tolerate it, but it is certainly miserable when that firmness on my part or my husband's results in a situation that requires we stop a meal to deal with it in full. I am hoping that with maturity, these sort of quiet tantrums will be less of an issue, but the fact that he expresses himself this way coupled with a propensity for seeing the cup half empty makes it a challenge.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: June 19 2013 at 7:41pm | IP Logged
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I guess what I can't quite articulate is that I've not found an effective way to address this mopiness, which is really just as problematic as whining or complaining, except whining gives a clearer action to address and modeling the appropriate action is simple. With the sulking or moping, which is still effectively complaining without words, it is harder to address, especially with one so young. If he were older, I might be able to talk to him about his behavior in a more abstract way like your examples of responsibility, victimization, etc... But as it is, I struggle to find a concrete response. "Look happy to eat your breakfast even if you don't like it!" doesn't quite work  At least not when you are 4.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 19 2013 at 9:50pm | IP Logged
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It's interesting b/c my 2 "complainers" are the middle 2...DS (just turned) 13 and DD 5. So where I see some of hers comes from like your #3, Lindsay, in a lack of maturity way, that's also the same immaturity with DS. He really, really does lack a level of maturity given his age but he has **ALWAYS** been that way. They both just tend to have this "woe is me" mindset and sometimes it just manifests in different ways from the moping, to not complying (or very slow), to the outright whining/complaining.
DD 14 was absolutely never this way and even DD (almost) 3 seems to have a much more cheerful outlook even for such a young age. In fact, I've heard "ok, mommy" about a gazillion times in the past few weeks. I think maybe they both are more pleasers ? but def. just more (dare I say?) "easy to get along with" personalities. They are def. far, far more compliant and open to correcting an inappropriate behavior. 
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Kathryn in TX
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: The "complainer" children
