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rftravis
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 6:50am | IP Logged
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has anyone here ever encountered out-right hostility from strangers, connected to your decision to homeschool? this morning i got in an altercation with another mother in a public space- sort of hard to explain but i needed her to move her bicycle from where she had parked it because i couldn't move mine around hers with the little one (1.5) on the front seat. i had already taken my other daughter (4.5) off the backseat. so i asked her to move it and she got all mad and complaining and insulting. i didnt handle it well, responded when i should have just biked away. she ended by making a comment about how at least her child was in preschool and mine wasnt.
and then it all clicked- everyone knows me here, very small town and i am the only american and very visible because we are always around on foot or bike. i have seen her and her friends, seen them laughing at me with mine and the two i took care of this year. she watched me arrive with my bike and struggle to make it work and could have chosen to move her bike at any point and didnt. i feel like she got some satisfaction out of my difficulty, is actually angry at me for keeping my children out of school or something.
ive been in tears for more than an hour, embarrassed by my own bad behavior and shocked by her anger - why was it such a big deal? and the irony is we have decided to send molly to kindergarten next year because i am so exhausted by the pressure and my husband does not want to homeschool and obviously i need to respect that. the only homeschoolers we know are anti-catholic unschoolers; its not a normal thing here in italy at all. i am so depressed about the whole thing.
does anyone else have experiences like this?
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juliana147
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 7:58am | IP Logged
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I am so sorry you were treated this way! It seems as though there will always be people who act like this, and it may or may not have anything to do with your school choices.
Unfortunately, I think all you can do is pray for them. Either they are bullying, or they are taking your choices personally, and are angry about it.
Lift it all up in prayer. I know this can be easier said than done!
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MichelleW
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 10:41am | IP Logged
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Yes. There are lots of strong feelings associated with this that I don't really understand.
However, in the case you describe, it is hard to know for sure that the hostility is about homeschooling and not something else. She might have just used that as a barb because you can't argue with the evidence before you. Your daughter is standing at your side and hers is not. It could just be that you are American. When I was a kid we lived in Spain and DID go to school, but someone in the building painted Yankee Go Home on the inside of the service elevator, and there were a couple of families that were extremely hostile. The rest were wonderful, and getting to know them helped a lot. Making the effort to be hospitable was worth it. And sometimes it was an extreme effort.
I would put a lot of my energy into being proactive about hospitality especially if you are going to send Molly to school next year! You don't want any hostility to transfer to her when she is in school.
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Michelle
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Aagot
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 11:20am | IP Logged
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I would guess she is either jealous or feeling guilty that she doesn't spend more time with her own child.
In a lot of ways it is just difficult being the strange american overseas. I spent my time talking with the Turks. They were strangers too and loved kids.
On the otherhand, you will find some of this attitude here as well. Usually it is because the person feels "attacked" for her own choices. In otherwords, your choice to spend more time with your kids makes her feel like she is less than a super mom.
Honestly, after your experience I would have a hard time sending my little girl to school. If only, that it would appear to that woman that she had won!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 11:23am | IP Logged
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Where in Italy are you? We were stationed there for a couple of years when we first began homeschooling. The Italians didn't get it UNTIL we explained that we wanted a Catholic education for our children. Then they were fine. Italians really don't understand why anyone would voluntarily separate from the group. The family is the basis of their society and culture, and pulling away from school seems to them like isolating children from the extended family. Putting things in terms they could appreciate (faith-based education) and showing them that our children did do group things (Scouts, for ex.), helped a lot.
We were the only Catholic homeschoolers on our base, too, when we were there.
If you're living in an Italian town, do try to find out what local customs are and go along with them. Our neighbors gave pannettone to friends and neighbors on New Year's Day, for example, and they were delighted when we reciprocated. Such a simple gift showed them we respected Italian traditions.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 1:29pm | IP Logged
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I think many people still view homeschooling with suspicion.
The other day I had a mom tell me that my life (homeschooling) is her worst nightmare. I find the women in my neighborhood feel resentful towards homeschoolers in general. Like Aagot said, there is that feeling that we are judging other women for the schooling choices they make.
OTOH, school is out here, and our favorite museums are overrun with "summer camps" for kids. Yesterday we saw literally over a hundred children of all ages grouped up and moved through the museum as part of "camp". Some of the children were so little their lunch boxes were almost bigger than they were!
My heart was overcome with sadness for all these children being raised by anyone and everyone but their parents. Snarky comments will just have to bounce off my feelings of intense gratitude that I *can* have my children at home.
On a sadder note, a friend's dh teaches high school here. This spring he was depressed that, for the first time ever, he gave a test that no one passed. The kids were cheating during the test, and he knew that, but he allowed it, hoping they would pool their resources and be able to pass.
No one did. He estimates that half of this class of juniors and seniors can't read or write. The teachers fail them, but the principals tend to move them on to the next grade so the school will look good.
That is an extreme example of a very sad situation, but again, it does remind me of why I homeschool!
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rftravis
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 1:42pm | IP Logged
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thank you all for your thoughts!
i think if i had responded as i should have, by just riding away, i wouldnt feel so badly, honestly. i am so glad i have been able to stay home with molly these few years that others' feelings and comments bother me but dont affect how i feel about that choice. but i do get shocked by how aggressive and angry people can get about it.
and honestly, my choice is based on what i think is best, and so it is an indirect judgement of them and their choices. i recognize that, and so generally shy away from talking about it, but its obvious because i always have my daughter with me. i especially think its crazy because we are talking about a FOUR YEAR OLD- not even school age!!!!
i would like to homeschool. i pray every day that my husband change his heart and mind- he is italian; we are in his home town; it is not accepted here, yet. and there really isnt a broader community for support, though i know many families on this forum are very much on their own, too. molly, perhaps because she is the oldest, perhaps because of her personality, perhaps because of how much we are out in the community and so she is aware of what everyone else is doing, wants to go to school. sigh.
i have been living here in this little town for seven years, eight total in italy, and i know a lot of people and the VAST majority of my relationships and interactions are positive, really.
thanks again for the responses.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 2:28pm | IP Logged
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When something is out of proportion for the situation it's almost always about them and not about you. It doesn't matter what they attack you for, it may have nothing to do with that. It's just the most obvious thing they can attack. Sure it could be something about you that's "annoying" but it could also be that she was having a bad day and you just gave her the opportunity to strike out because she was feeling so bad herself.
I know that feeling bad because you didn't react like you know you should have but.. we're all human. We make mistakes.
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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stacykay
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| Posted: June 11 2013 at 4:37pm | IP Logged
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I just feel so bad for you! I can only imagine my own response and how the whole situation would have gone if I'd been the one being insulted.
I don't know if this will help or not, or if you'd even want to try this...but given how embarassed and sad you have been, I might try to be on the lookout for this lady the next time you are out. If you spot her, I would just go straight up to her, and say something like, Oh, I have just been looking all over for you. I want to apologize for my behavior. I am so sorry.
It might just catch her off-guard and who knows, maybe she will apologize back? Maybe throw in how important your family is to you, like Nancy mentioned. Let her know, too, that you have prayed for her since the situation.
In the meantime, I am praying for YOU!!!! Even though you may be feeling it, remember you are not alone!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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rftravis
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| Posted: June 12 2013 at 12:53am | IP Logged
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ladies,
i feel so much better this morning. prayed all afternoon yesterday, talked some with my husband and friend.
yes, i want to apologize, if i can recognize her! surely i will recognize her bicycle! but even if i dont, i have apologized to god, and will go to confession as soon as i can.
i spent the afternoon also being so grateful for my days spent with my children, looking at my eldest daughter and wanting to squeeze her. so lucky!
thank you everyone for advice and insights.
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mariB
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| Posted: June 12 2013 at 4:58am | IP Logged
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After 16 years of homeschooling I still run into this... I am so thankful that we have the FREEDOM to homeschool. There is "persecution" at times. In our town most all of the home schoolers have put their kids in school. Unfortunately, there are so many social problems that the homeschooled kids have succumbed to like drugs, alcohol, bullying.
HOME SCHOOLING MOMS....stand proud! People will be threatened by choices that are different from society.
I love Guitarnan's advice! Charity and prayer! And Aagot is right...moms somehow feel threatened. I often tell moms, "There are so many choices for schooling...public school, private school, home school...we have chosen to homeschool because it feels right for our family."
It isn't easy to stand alone. I often think of the saints that were martyred and I think to myself, "These insults hurt so much but I can take a few insults and offer it up."
Sending prayers to you and your family for this situation.
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marib-Mother to 22ds,21ds,18ds,15dd,11dd and wife to an amazing man for 23 years
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: hostility from others
