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CelesteMary
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 7:43am | IP Logged
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Ladies. I had a lightening bolt revelation last night and wanted to get your insight.
For the 14 years my DH and I have been married I have been trying, struggling in much frustration, disappointment, tears and sometimes-yes self pity to get him to understand me, where I am coming from and my needs as a woman, wife and mother.
Well, to say the least even though we love eachother it has become harder and harder to communicate with him.
Stresses of our daily life. He being the breadwinner, me doing most of the rearing and teaching of our children leave us tired and gives us little time to connect.
Our anniversary was last month and we had a magical getaway for two glorious days at a secluded cabin in the northern woods of Maine.
My DH made me a cd with all of our "falling in love" songs, brought everything I love to eat, cooked, waited on me, and made me cry when he presented me with a book that he made the wood frame for and hole punched cards with all of his favorite memories of me from the time we met until now. He even had each occssion dated!
Fast forward to coming back. We had a great month, but there is a disconnect when a problem does arise. I express what I need and he just shuts off.
I believe he fits most men when I say, he just wants to go about his day. He doesn't really want to talk about anything heavy or deep and he always gets nervous and jokes constantly when I do.
Which is a source of tremengous frustration and isolation for me. I always felt like he was supposed to be my "best best friend."
As I got on me knees praying to our Lady last night for intercession with this last issue we had, something I heard on a Christian radio show came back to me.
They said something like this- we women try to get our husbands to be our girlfriends, trying to relate the way women do and that is a big turn off for our men.
I always thought all these years he was really getting me and listening to my needs and last night he admitted to me that he usually just sits there and says nothing until I stop talking because a lot of time he doesn't even agree with what I am saying but doesn't want to start a fight.
So he lets me vent and just sits there, no communication and lets me get it out and goes and does some manly thing like hang out in the barn for hours afterwards.
I always said that I wanted us to stay in touch with eachother because when the children are gone, I want something to have left. Not simply a mere existence but a rich one.
Am I overcomplicating a simple issue? Is it okay to limit yourself with your spouse and not share everything, including your disappointements, issues with child rearing and times when DH is insensitive and hurts me? Am I too sensitive? Should I offer these little hurts and unite them on the cross instead of bothering him?
In our situation, I think I have finally come to the understanding that he is most comfortable when we discuss the practical aspects of our day but not go into anything emotional.
Has anyone else had a similar issue? Do you treat your husband like a girlfriend? Should we get those needs fed from close Godly women and leave our men alone?
I know there are exceptions to every rule but please ladies, would you offer your insight on either side of this issue?
Thank you and may God bless all of our marriages.
Celeste
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Wife to Jeff, mother to Abigail 00, Thomas 02, Elizabeth 03, Charles 05,Amelia 07, Laura & Walter 09, Annie 11, one Angel in Heaven 2013,baby Maria Rose due 4/26/15.
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3ringcircus
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 9:10am | IP Logged
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Before we married, we read Mars & Venus. There was a lot in there that surprised us about the way typical men & women communicate. That set the stage for us to have realistic expectations of each other.
I think men & women listen differently. Women pick up on each other's emotional lingo and can listen easily and filter through to find the main point of the speaker. Men tend to get lost in all the extra descriptive words and end up tuning out--not necessarily on purpose. I know when my DH starts talking about our finances, he leaves out key information I need to follow his thought. So, a couple of minutes into the discussion I have no idea what he's talking about, even if I understand the issue quite well. Then, I either have to start interrupting repeatedly or just tune him out. Am I making sense? Of course, I do have to get to the bottom of what he is saying when it comes to our money, but he doesn't feel it necessary to make me clarify when I launch into an account of my day at school.
It's nice to have him there, trying to casually listen. I know that as I'm talking on and on and organizing my thoughts he sometimes gets lost and tunes it out. If I have something I want his specific opinion on, I have to make a point to ask him to listen more carefully. I try to check in w/ him, too: "Did you get what I was saying there?"
I guess when it comes to really emotional issues, it would be nice if you two could come to a happy medium so that you could feel free to express yourself while he felt comfortable listening w/o feeling overwhelmed. Try to figure out if emotional talk makes him uncomfortable, or just exhausted as he tries to listen and be supportive even though he doesn't always "get" what you're talking about.
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Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 9:24am | IP Logged
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Hi Celeste, I am touched by your sweetness and I can see you deeply love and respect your husband!
I think you are on to something  .
It's all about how to appropriately meet our personal needs and the needs of our husbands. I need girlfriends, and invest in them, because they help me to process, sort, and sift through a ton of womanly stuff in a womanly way. I would be very unhappy wife and person without them! This community is all about a giant collection of girlfriends  . You all make me better 
The criteria is: Does this action increase my love for my husband? Does this action fill him with love? Does this action lighten his load? Does this action respect him at all costs?
Often when I get off the phone with IRL friends, I'm know to say, "Thanks for sparing my husband this conversation!" My honey doesn't want or need to be my girlfriend, thank Goodness!!!
The key is to have clear lines about what NOT to talk about with girlfriends. For example, I don't talk about intimate details of my marriage with anyone other than my husband IRL. (Although a priest or counselor would be appropriate too.) Now I know some ladies truly help each other by talking about their marriages, but I don't want to risk EVER disrespecting my husband to anyone. Yep, that's big to me. I would rather suffer in silence...which I have...or get professional help. This post is an example of talking about marriage in general.
But try not to look at it as if you and your husband aren't connecting emotionally. I do believe our culture puts out a warped vision of "The Best Friend Husband and Wife". There is a weird pressure to be each other's EVERYTHING. I am happiest when my husband is my husband, my number one, my hero, my best friend, yes...but not my EVERYTHING. I have many other relationships that help to make me a more loving wife and person! I would collapse under the pressure of being his EVERYTHING. So while a woman may not "feel" emotionally connected, this could be a misread of the truth. Emotional connection is about being vulnerable with each other, feeling safe with each other, being able to just "be" with each other. There is a manly emotional way of being that shouldn't be dismissed just because it may not be all touchy, feeling, we're hugging and crying together all the time  . I have come to deeply respect the depth of a man's emotional life.
I just ran across this study that I found interesting: Becoming dad at 37 'happiest moment for men'. It got me thinking about how as a wife I need to look for my husband's real needs and meet them. Little things can go a long way, such as a warm cooked meal  .
Holding you both in prayer and rooting for you!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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CelesteMary
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 11:18am | IP Logged
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Ladies, thanks so much for your insight as I know I have been in need of an objective point of view. Sensing what you both have said, I think my husband will be relieved as time goes by and he notices that I don't need to analyze every aspect of our relationaship to death.
God bless you!
Celeste
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stefoodie
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Yes, my husband is my best friend, and if I've got something on my mind or in my heart that I can't tell anyone else, you can be sure, it's him I would tell first. That doesn't mean, as Angie pointed out, that we are everything to each other (I wish, but it just isn't so :D) . Like if I told him every little detail about my pro-life work I would burden him unnecessarily and with the limited time we have b/c of work, etc., we'd miss out on doing/saying other things that strengthen our bond...
AngieMc wrote:
| There is a manly emotional way of being that shouldn't be dismissed just because it may not be all touchy, feeling, we're hugging and crying together all the time . I have come to deeply respect the depth of a man's emotional life. |
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I was  about this, but it's so true!! I used to get so upset when I can't get my hubby to be as emotional as me over certain things (this happened more when we were younger) but I've also grown to appreciate the fact that he just handles things differently.
Anyway, there's this book that I believe we've talked about here before, and that has helped me tremendously in forming realistic expectations about my marriage and how hubby and I relate to each other -- it's called Five Love Languages. My hubby and I have different love languages, and paying attention to those has really helped to strengthen our relationship through the years.
I've also learned to be very, very honest with him about my needs, i.e., "I feel like you're not getting where I'm coming from with this, can we try again?" or "I feel like you're ignoring me, and I know that's not your intention." Usually, if I am just up front with hubby, he'll really put forth extra effort to understand. And even if he still doesn't, just the effort is enough to calm me down and know that I am loved anyway.
Praying for you!!
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stef
mom to five
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 11:44am | IP Logged
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Please keep sharing/discussing, but I did want to link some other threads here that might help.
Anniversary ideas
Being appreciated
On Being A Wife
marriage enrichment ideas?
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stef
mom to five
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CelesteMary
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 12:15pm | IP Logged
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Thanks Stef, i will check those out!
Celeste
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JodieLyn
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I want to ditto that my husband is my best friend but he's not my "best girl friend".
And too much detail of how I'm thinking definately confuses him at the least.. funny story of that... he'll take me shopping and I might tell him where I want to shop first and if I'm not careful then I start rattling on about why I want to go there first and then what I want to do at the next several stops and by the time we get near the first store I have to tell him again I want to stop there because I've confused the issue so much he's totally forgotten. 
Another big thing I had to learn. *I* can have thoughts about something almost immediately and want to talk about it and generally do my thinking out loud.. BUT if I want to hear what my dh thinks.. I have to present the idea/question BRIEFLY and then give him time.. it could be a week or more.. and check in with him if he's had any thoughts about it yet. And I also had to accept that it is ok for a non-answer to be the answer.. sometimes a lot longer than I would want (isn't almost immediately long enough?).. a different answer becomes apparent. And other times the non-answer becomes the answer.. and that's ok. (this was really hard for me when we were first married).
But while I need to talk to think something out. He needs time and less input from me to think something over.
So I need to do a couple of things.. find a way to handle my own need to talk and examine something.. and then find a way to briefly present it to my dh when it's something I want to share, want his help with, need his input etc.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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knowloveserve
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Just wanted to add that I think our culture has done a disservice to young couples and the ramifications have trickled their way into Catholic thought too.
Marriage is beautiful.
Marriage however, is not bliss. It will not fill your deepest needs. IF your husband is your best friend, wonderful! But, if not, that's okay.
Respect. Love. Compassion. Communication (even if just on practical levels). These are the keys.
I love my husband dearly and wouldn't choose anyone else if I had to do it over again; he knows me better than anyone and I can tell him anything... but I'm still firmly in the camp that marriage is the second hardest thing in the world (after parenting). It's just plain tough sometimes. And the struggle for Catholic women is to find the perfect balance of seeking to improve it, trying to find peace and comfort in their spouse... and in simply accepting their cross and surviving. It's especially difficult if your spouse vacillates between being a strong spiritual leader and a disconnected or distant passenger on your household train. This is so common.
But two thoughts keep me going when I feel low:
1- We have to be vulnerable even when we want to clam up and push away. We have to love him even if he doesn't "deserve" it. We have to be like Christ in this way... giving to the very end. Ready to love, forgive and sacrifice no matter how much our hurts are stinging us.
2- Read medieval literature to make yourself feel better. The Kristin Lavransdatter books are a good start. Putting your marriage in a historical context is a fantastically refreshing exercise. On the darkest of days, when I'm tempted to feel very bitter and indignant... I think "Wow, he doesn't beat me. He allows me to sit at his table. He includes me in decision making. He values what I have to say. He isn't keeping other lovers." Etc. It sounds funny because some of those things are so outlandish... but it's nice to reflect on all the luxuries wives enjoy nowadays when you feel like you have nothing positive to think about. 
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 1:51pm | IP Logged
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CelesteMary wrote:
I think my husband will be relieved as time goes by and he notices that I don't need to analyze every aspect of our relationaship to death.
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Oh....I can analyze EVERYTHING to death!
stefoodie wrote:
Like if I told him every little detail about my pro-life work I would burden him unnecessarily and with the limited time we have b/c of work, etc., we'd miss out on doing/saying other things that strengthen our bond...
...And even if he still doesn't, just the effort is enough to calm me down and know that I am loved anyway.
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Stef, my eyes literally filled up with tears connecting "effort" is enough to "calm me down". I do so regret the time I wasted getting all revved up about stuff, so much of which didn't matter. Even if it mattered, why was I so...child-like in my emotional angst? Guess I was a late bloomer in marriage. But bloom I did..am
JodieLyn wrote:
So I need to do a couple of things.. find a way to handle my own need to talk and examine something.. and then find a way to briefly present it to my dh when it's something I want to share, want his help with, need his input etc. |
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Writing that down!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 1:55pm | IP Logged
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Ellie, we were cross-posting and...WOW! You are wise beyond your years, sister . And you made me laugh out loud re medieval literature .
After 25 years of marriage, I'm just starting to get the hang of this  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Nov 08 2012 at 2:00pm | IP Logged
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3ringcircus wrote:
Before we married, we read Mars & Venus. There was a lot in there that surprised us about the way typical men & women communicate. That set the stage for us to have realistic expectations of each other.
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I thought I commented on this earlier, Christine! You are so right to point out that we need to find ways to be realistic. We ladies can sometimes get trapped in a la la land of romance, connection, and...well, wanting what we want because we're clearly right . Being realistic isn't a cop-out, short cut, or giving up. Being realistic at its best is about being respectful.
Well, I guess this topic touched my heart and got me blabbing! I'll stop now. Carry on
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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pumpkinmom
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Just wanted to say I am enjoying this conversation very much! I really need to hear this!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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CrunchyMom
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I second Stef's recommendation of the Five Love Languages. I also think that reading about temperament and personality can also help with communication.
We have a former pastor who used to tell the story of his Aunt the nun that always said, "People are like potatoes. They have to cool off in the same skin they got hot in."
I have a child, 4, who exemplifies this description so well. He cannot let go of things right away. He always needs some time and space if he gets frustrated or upset. But give him that, and he will then be chipper as a lark and do as he was told or apologize or go about his day with a smile. The sooner he is given space, the sooner he is over it. I tell you, time outs were MADE for this kid
Well, during our most recent hump in the road, dh said, "I'm like [ds]. I have to cool off in the same skin I got hot in."
It was really a revelation for me to have this point of my husband's personality clearly defined for me! And truly, recognizing that his needs were very much the adult version of my 4 year olds needs helped me understand. Whereas I'm sanguine and immediately want to make things right whenever I perceive there is tension, my husband just can't turn it on and off that quickly. He needs time and space. He admitted at that time that had he been home all day or even had we talked about the issue on the phone that day, he likely would have still been moody that evening. The time and space are necessary for him. It is good to know something concrete to apply next time there should be a tiff. (Bye hon! I'm goin' shopping!! )
Anyway, I think men just process differently. If I want to tell my husband what is bothering me just because I need to process it and not because I need him to fix it, I need to be VERY explicit about that. He can still be a sounding board, but it is best if I am discriminate in how I use him as such. And if I'm doing that, I REALLY can't expect him to remember what I said.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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pumpkinmom
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Great ideas in these threads!!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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stefoodie
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I thought you ladies would get a kick out of this.
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stef
mom to five
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mamaslearning
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jodielyn wrote:
| I want to ditto that my husband is my best friend but he's not my "best girl friend". |
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Yes! He's my best friend, the one earthly person I cling to in this life, and I could survive without other friends BUT he's not my girlfriend. If we were alone, I still wouldn't divulge all of my inner thoughts and feelings because I can be so dramatic and sensitive and just like others mentioned - over analytical.
knowloveserve wrote:
| And the struggle for Catholic women is to find the perfect balance of seeking to improve it, trying to find peace and comfort in their spouse... and in simply accepting their cross and surviving. It's especially difficult if your spouse vacillates between being a strong spiritual leader and a disconnected or distant passenger on your household train. This is so common. |
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Ellie, I agree. A happy marriage is not always the romantic romp through a field that is portrayed in fantasy novels/movies. I know some perfectly happy couples that don't talk much and they are both at peace with their situation. They love each other, but have found the groove that works for them both to be happy (now, one might be sacrificing more than another, but they make it work).
Modern society has given us the okay to stop working on a marriage if we feel we are not being 100% fulfilled by our spouse. That's not the job of a spouse, to fulfill your every need. That's why God must be the head of our marriages, we look to him for our fulfillment.
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
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CelesteMary
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This is so good ladies. Years ago I decided that we will thrive as long as God is who I go to in my times of dire need. It's just too overwhelming for DH when I really need to work through something.
But it's not too much for our Savior. I guess I sometimes forget and go back to my adolescent years in expecting him to completely get me.
I am so frustrated with myself because sometimes these things just come up out of the clear blue sky and I find myself speaking before thinking.
I am quite quick to apologize, but by then damage is done.
I want to be like our Blessed Lady and on another thread I was reading about Caroline in the television series "Little House". Man, she is the model of restraint!
I've got a long way to go!
Celeste
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Wife to Jeff, mother to Abigail 00, Thomas 02, Elizabeth 03, Charles 05,Amelia 07, Laura & Walter 09, Annie 11, one Angel in Heaven 2013,baby Maria Rose due 4/26/15.
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SuzanneG
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stefoodie wrote:
| I thought you ladies would get a kick out of this. |
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ROTFL, Stef!!!! Hysterical!
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Suzanne in ID
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Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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3ringcircus
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LOL, Stef!
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Christine
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: husband as best friend?
