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AnaB
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| Posted: Oct 15 2012 at 12:45pm | IP Logged
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Hi There,
I am looking to find any who relate! I have a 16yod, 14yo twin boys, 8yod, and a 9month old high need baby. I'm so blessed to have my children. I was a little traumatized after my twins and we did not have any more children for 6 years. The Lord softened both my and my husband's hearts and we became open to more children and it happened quickly. This child, my 8yod, has been a very spirited child with ADD and mild dyslexia. For the past 3 years our home has been in a bit of chaos with health issues, home remodeling and moving. In many ways I have not been able to give her the amount of time and experiences that the older three have had (who I schooled all together).
Since then, we've had more health issues, a miscarriage, a move, an 8 year gap, a high risk pregnancy that put me on bedrest and in the hospital, and now a high need baby.
I'm really having trouble jugggling it all. I realized that for a while I was trying to recreate the childhood of my older three with park dates, lots of read alouds, Barney, no internet for some of that time, etc...
But 8yo has her learning struggles and doesn't enjoy school at all. Her attention span is very short. We just realized that she has dyslexia and it is affecting her ability to read fluently (and enjoy it) and even her ability to memorize math facts so school is very frustrating for her. She is more like a middle child than anything and has always wanted to follow the schedule of the older kids than one more suited for her age.
Now new baby has been very high need from the beginning. She had such a rough start. I also had a hard time recovering from my emergency c-section and left the hospital with a blood transfusion and needing more. My incision wouldn't completely close up for 12 weeks! I'm now on blood thinners for life and injections when I travel which is often with dh's work.
I am so grateful for all that the Lord has done to bring both baby and I through all the struggles and health issues. But it's like I've forgotten how to raise a baby! I can't get baby to ever take a nap. She's in my room(no where else for her right now) but there's always too much activity that she doesn't want to miss. At night she sleeps from about 11pm to 2-3 then up every 2-3 hours. Very little total sleep. She also prefers to sleep with me. On top of all this, now that I have 3 teens, we have afternoon activities on most days which prevents me from giving the baby the routine that the older three had when they were little.
I keep carrying around guilt that I can't do things like I'm "supposed to do", like how I did it with my older three. I don't know anyone in a similar position. Most people I know that have teens and a baby also have lots of other children in between. I feel like I have 3 homes, one for the teens, one for my needy 8yod, and one for my baby.
I'm having trouble getting school done. The older 3 are doing school pretty independently this year, thankfully, but still need mom on occasion. My 8yod has a few things like ETC and handwriting that she can do on her own but needs lots of help with math and reading. I'm trying to do AO Y2 with her. And now I find myself with burned out adrenals and extreme fatigue so I'm not able to get up as early as normal which really cuts my day so short. I move so slow and am so unproductive right now (I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for some bloodwork).
I often need the kids to watch the baby so that I can shower or eat, which keeps them from doing their schoolwork. Then I feel like baby gets tossed around from child to child when she really only wants mommy right now. Then my 8yod gets in trouble because she has been left with too much free time. Then all the kids start arguing over who's turn it is now to watch the baby, and I'm always playing catch up. I feel like I'm cheating all my children in some way.
I'm so appreciating the talks about Mission of Motherhood going on around the web, but really long to speak to someone who can relate to the unique challenges that lots of age gaps presents. I need help picturing how life is supposed to look, because my paradigm is all messed up and I can't re-create what I thought was the ideal childhood that I gave my olders. What a mess! But God is good and I know He will give grace for each moment as I look to Him. I'm just in a quandry right now and could use a friend!
Thanks so much for allowing me to pour out my heart and share.
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His By Grace, AnaB blessed WIFE to Jeff and mama to 4 blessings!
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Oct 15 2012 at 1:13pm | IP Logged
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I don't have any large age gaps, but there are a couple of things I would like to offer up.
1) Don't feel guilty about having the older kids help you with the baby. Caring for others, especially a baby, is more important to learn than anything in a school book.
A lot of families plan their days around a certain older kid entertaining younger kids for one block of time and then a different older kid during another block of time. Maybe that is something you could intentionally plan into your daily schedule, and don't be afraid to let the 8-year-old help, too.
2) While I don't have an age gap in my kids, I was part of a large age gap: 9 1/2 years between me and my older sister. We basically grew up in two completely different families: mom was able to stay home with her but had to go back to work after I was born. There were some deals I got the better end of and some that she did. That's just life.
Kids grow and change. Families grow and change. Stuff happens. There's not one perfect way of doing things. The only perfection is in heaven. So, stop beating yourself up.
For all that your younger kids might miss compared to their older siblings they will gain other things that their older siblings might not.
3) That 3-9 month range is difficult because they are having more awake time but they can't do much and become bored easily...and so they want mama to hold them all of the time.
4) I really sympathize on the 8yo. My oldest (9) has the "spirited" temperament and I suspect that there is something else going on. She is extremely defiant, high-strung, and overly dramatic (all of the worst teenager stereotypes). She would often try to provoke me just out of boredom.
I had a new baby in August, and we started our homeschool semester two weeks later. After 8 weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. My oldest was driving me insane and wearing me down further with her constant arguing and defiance. My husband and I knew something had to change immediately.
She started at our parish school two weeks ago. Everything just fell into place (including some financial aid) within the course of the week. A year ago I would have never considered school, because I love homeschooling so much. But it just was not working for her anymore...she needed more structure and busyness than I could give her.
Even though her life is more challenging and less fun in some ways, she is thriving better emotionally...and I and her younger sisters get a break from her intensity. It wasn't until her third day of school that I realized that I had lost so much time and energy into homeschooling her and dealing with her moods that I hadn't been able to fully enjoy the new baby...the baby had just become another chore.
I'm not saying that school is the answer for your 8yo, but maybe a co-op or other activity a few days each week that might give you a break and keep her busy. Of course, I know you already feel like your running with your teens.
5) Total prayers on the health issues. I had some issues after my #4 was born that almost landed me an emergency hysterectomy. It looked like I was going to have the same issues after #5, and it terrified me. I just didn't know how I was going to take care of everyone after multiple possible surgeries when I already felt like I was drowning.
**Just know that you are not alone. There just seem to be so many responsibilities and not enough time to even scratch the surface of them. When you have time you don't have energy; when you have energy you don't have time. Sometimes you have neither, and you just feel like a big failure. Been there...recently. 
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 15 2012 at 2:05pm | IP Logged
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If your health let's you... wearing the baby can satisfy a baby that needs to be close AND allow you to do other things.. look into the wraps or carriers that will let you put baby on your back.. that leaves you much more free on your front for working with the other kids or doing other stuff. And you probably want a wrap or soft carrier so that baby is up against you rather than just being up on your back in structured backpack.. the closeness helps them be content.
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SallyT
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| Posted: Oct 15 2012 at 2:50pm | IP Logged
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There's a 5-year gap between my older "set" of kids (now 18 and almost-15) and my younger "set" (10 and almost-9). I definitely understand that feeling that you have to recreate your older children's childhood for your youngers -- I've had to come to terms with the fact that we essentially have had two families within our family, and each one's life is quite different from the other's. My older kids lived overseas with us; our third was a baby when we came home to the U.S. The olders did so much traveling, so much living history in Europe; the youngers live in a small Southern U.S. town. And so on. It's easy to think the youngers have been shortchanged in some way. And then I've counted on the bigs for babysitting so much -- isn't that unfair? Etc etc.
The answer, I think, is that no, it's not unfair: I think the younger kids were the making of my older kids as empathetic, responsible people, and the only way that the youngers have been shortchanged is in not getting that same chance -- and we had no control over that, so oh well, right? And as I increasingly realize, my younger kids are their own people, and where we are in life right now is right for them in many, many ways. My 10yo talks about how much he loves our small town, and how much he would hate it if we moved anywhere else, because he likes his life . . .
Meanwhile, I find that the issues that I deal with with the younger ones are quite different from the ones I remember having to confront with the olders -- you know how you think you're getting it figured out and won't make *that* mistake again, and then some mistake you never *imagined* telling yourself you wouldn't make comes along . . . I have that experience a lot. And honestly, half the time I can't even remember what I did with the olders -- I find myself stressing because I'm afraid I won't do whatever it was that made them turn out okay, and so the youngers will end up disasters. Oh, the games we play in our own minds.
Re the pragmatic issues of everyday life with a needy baby:
*Maybe meet with your older kids to discuss schoolwork/personal-care schedules so that you can work out how and when to have someone watching the baby while you shower and eat, without sacrifice to schoolwork. If you can make a rota/schedule, that might cut down on arguing over that particular task, because everyone would be able to see that you're dividing the task equitably.
I know these things are harder with a high-need, mommy-fixated baby (ask me how I know!), because holding a screaming, unhappy baby who doesn't like you is not very rewarding, from an older child's point of view. But you might talk to them some about how family relationships are sacrificial, and how putting up with other people when they're being difficult and unlovely pays dividends in terms of future friendship. You might also remind them that scheduling in doing something for someone else is what families do -- it's what you do as a mother when you put their activities on your calendar. "Helping Mom" is as important a job as "Driving Susie to ballet," and you're just asking for some reciprocity, because just as they have often needed you for things, right now you really *need* them.
*I have some spirited kids, too, and agree that some outside activity for your 8yo might be a good thing for letting off steam and giving you a break from each other, as well as taking up slack time that you can't humanly fill right now. Kids at loose ends do tend to get into trouble sometimes . . . What about museum classes for homeschoolers, for example? I don't know what you have in your community, but I have found that 8-10 is a great age for homeschooler classes, both in terms of fun and in terms of re-igniting enjoyment of learning outside school.
*Maybe something less Mom-demanding than AO for your 8yo, at least for this season? If she's not enjoying it, and has learning issues that make reading difficult, maybe it's not the right fit? Or maybe leaning on audiobooks for at least some of the reading would help -- both in terms of helping her to absorb material and in terms of your not having to be right there doing it with her.
It sounds as though the bottom line is that you need time and space to heal from your difficult birth, to recover your own health and energy so that you can be the mom you really want to be to your children. Prayers for you and your family.
Sally
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Erin
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| Posted: Oct 16 2012 at 5:10am | IP Logged
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Oh Ana What a juggle, so many hats, so many needs
AnaB wrote:
| I keep carrying around guilt that I can't do things like I'm "supposed to do", like how I did it with my older three. |
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actually I don;t think this is only relative to mums with big age gaps, I feel like this with my children. My oldest three had a much better deal in many ways and yet... well I guess my younger ones have a better deal in other ways. An irl friend who has 2 children with a 9yr gap was sharing today how her younger one is getting a better deal in many ways as she learnt from her 'mistakes' and is gentler and more patient.
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Pilgrim
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| Posted: Oct 16 2012 at 10:13am | IP Logged
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Just wanted to say a couple things.
I totally empathize as we have a big age gap, and it IS hard to juggle the different needs of the different ages!
Also, with your 8 year old, take hope, she sound just like our 11 year old back when she was your dd's age. She HATED studies before this year. Last year was a *little* better *sometimes*. This year she has bloomed, and is taking a more active role in her studies, and actually LIKES them most of the time. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.  She still doesn't always retain things fully, doesn't read directions always, BUT she is doing better and actually not fighting the idea of doing her studies, and is able to work a little more idependantly. Just those two things makes any other difficulties in her studies absolutely more easy to bear! Hope this gives you a bit of hope!
Will try to post a little more later if I get a chance, gotta run!
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AnaB
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| Posted: Oct 17 2012 at 4:42pm | IP Logged
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Oh Thank you so much for all your words of encouragement, empathy, and suggestions. I do appreciate them so much. I feel like I am continually spinning plates with several of them already broken on the floor!
I did get an order for lots of bloodwork to see what is going on with me. I am feeling a little better physically than Monday, thank the Lord!
But there seems to be something that always gets left undone every day. I have been meaning to go to the library to return overdue books all week and it just hasn't happened. I just figured out that my 16yod has not done math all week. I haven't had my 8yo read to me in 2 days. And my baby fed every 2 hours last night and has not taken a nap yet today and it's almost 6pm!
One good thing is that I am very aware of my needyness before God. I pray that He fill in the gaps for me and do the eternal, hidden work in my children's hearts which is really what is most important and what I most desire.
I'd love any more practical advice. I had my 8yo listen to a great audio of the Gentlemen of Verona (Edith Nesbit) and I caught her playing Rush Hour on my phone and did not remember a thing of the story. I admit that it was a confusing story even for me, but the child has such a hard time retaining info to narrate. Her narrations are very short and lack detail. I try to help her and sometimes ask her questions during the read alouds to make sure she is following.
On the bright side, she begged to do school today! It's just really slow going. I also wore baby today while I tried to make dinner and she grabbed a handful of chopped celery and shoved it in her mouth and nearly choked! I need to master a back carry with my Beco carrier.
I look forward to hear more from you all. You bless!
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His By Grace, AnaB blessed WIFE to Jeff and mama to 4 blessings!
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Oct 17 2012 at 7:13pm | IP Logged
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Well, I feel like that sometimes, and my oldest is only 8 
Seriously, I think it is normal. My BIL's wife has 11, 2 boys, 2 girls, 5 boys, and another girl. The oldest 5 are out of the house either married or in college and the youngest is 7. She walked into the bathroom on the 7 year old daughter and asked what on earth she was doing, and she replied that she was doing her nails 
My SIL was completely flabbergasted at how different raising this daughter is from her older ones. At that age, if they had time, the older two were watching little ones while she made dinner, helping unload the dishwasher, etc... And I think she both worries that the youngest will be spoiled and is missing out by not having younger siblings AND she feels bad that her oldest ones didn't have as much time to play and be girls.
But really, the girls just have strikingly different childhoods, different families, really, in which they've grown up. And one isn't better than the other.
And truly, I think that every mom with a high needs infant feels inadequate. My baby is 20 months old, and I still haven't recovered my sanity and handle on life. He STILL wakes up every two hours, sometimes more. That alone is enough to make you think life is passing you by, just waiting for your coffee to kick in so you don't feel groggy.
There are some good threads on narration I will try to find that will probably help. I think that an entire Shakespeare, even the Nesbit version, is a lot to narrate at once.
I also hit a wall with this high needs guy around 9 months. I just didn't think I could handle it anymore! But, as some dear friends reminded me at the time, it is also an age where you usually turn a corner. Baby can soon sit on his own and play, and my baby wwas finally napping alone at one year. That has been a huge help.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Any with big age gaps between children?
