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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Sept 13 2012 at 3:22pm | IP Logged
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I have a 9 year old who melts at the drop of a hat. She is a very negative kid. It is getting old and I am trying to be understanding but it is impacting my ability to do things with her. Today was our first day of school. She doesn't want to listen to me. TT math has helped and she seems to be doing pretty well with it. Though she dislikes my seeing what she is doing(looking over her shoulder or doing it with her). Today I tried to start All About Spelling and was just trying to explain it to her and she lost it and was under the table and saying it was easy and putting her fingers in her ears, etc. Attempts to explain we were just trying to see what cards she knew were not heard.
I try to keep her fed, rested (though I am the only one who tries to get her to bed), and have some fun time with her. I am really tired and am wondering if there might be something I am missing. She is VERY intense and stubborn and I am sad I am not having much fun right now with my little girl.
Any ideas of things to try..punishing didn't seem to make it better, lots of time and love did, but it is so hard as it was A LOT of time and sweetness and I just don't have time for it right now.
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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Barb.b
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| Posted: Sept 13 2012 at 3:36pm | IP Logged
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One thing that came to mind is - par down the school work and work on the behavior. Sometimes when there is a negative behavior impacting us - it does work to simplify the day so I can work on that. Maybe not start All ABout spelling just yet, especially if she is new to it. Is seems that maybe with her personality - transitions are tough and just accentuate these negative traits. So, maybe easing into school could help - I mean not starting right away with all subject but ease into that over 2 weeks or so.
Perhaps with her math - avoid looking over her shoulder. Have her hand in her work. You grade it and give her back the next day to grade. That way there is still accountability to get things done and correctly but helps her feel she's got space.
Also, maybe your dh or your older ds could take over a subject or 2. Maybe just the variety of different people and "teachers" will help?
Just throwing a few ideas out there!
Prayers your way!
Barb
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Sept 13 2012 at 3:47pm | IP Logged
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My 8 year old is not quite like you describe your daughter, and yet, he does not like it when I have to explain things. I've tried to use materials that allow him to be autonomous because he prefers to work independently. No matter how I approach it, if I spend too much time "explaining" something, he is quick to feel "stupid."
So, I don't use mom intensive programs if I can help it. I save "mom time" for things like picture study and read alouds.
Do you feel she *needs* an intensive program like AAS? I have no doubt is an excellent program by all accounts I've heard, but we seem to be doing okay with Explode the Code, which involves little interaction.
This sounds like what you've done with TT (found a program that allows more independence). So, perhaps it is not the solution you seek.
I've also heard many others on this board recommend Raising Your Spirited Child for insights in parenting these more intense personalities.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JennGM
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| Posted: Sept 13 2012 at 3:49pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| I've also heard many others on this board recommend Raising Your Spirited Child for insights in parenting these more intense personalities. |
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I'm rereading this now. When I read it the first time it didn't resonate as much with me in regards to my oldest, but it is my youngest son to a "T".
One of my sisters was always this way, that she needed to learn by herself and tuned out my mother.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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SallyT
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| Posted: Sept 13 2012 at 8:09pm | IP Logged
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Ditto what Lindsey says. My first daughter was *very* like that, and 9 was a particularly difficult age for just that kind of thing. The only thing that worked was to choose self-teaching materials and otherwise just let her read. Our formal "core" was tiny -- math, making sure she had good books to read, opportunities to write (though at 9 I didn't push much at all). She's now an English major in college . . . obviously we got past it! But I remember feeling miserable a lot during that time.
I also recommend Raising Your Spirited Child. Stanley Turecki's The Difficult Child is very good as well, despite the negative-sounding title.
Good luck! And I'm taking my own advice to heart, too, as my youngest daughter moves into the same age range, and I'm recognizing some behaviors . . . I fear I may be feeling your pain again, in the present tense, if I'm not mindful!
Sally
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Sept 13 2012 at 9:34pm | IP Logged
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Raising Your Spirited Child saved my life, my sanity, and perhaps even my marriage. I gave copies of it to every Catholic school teacher my son had...and the ones who didn't read it were the ones who were most antagonistic toward him.
(We didn't start homeschooling because my son is spirited...that's another story...but it turns out that the Good Lord had our long-range best interests at heart.)
What a book like this can do is help you identify HER meltdown points and head them off at the pass in a way that can work with YOUR temperament. You can also learn vocabulary words (positive ones!) to use with family, friends, teachers, etc. that will convey her temperament to them in the most helpful way possible. When you use those positive words (and when your dd also uses them), you redirect negative attitudes toward meltdowns and help others see the reasons the meltdowns happen and teach them to work with your dd to avoid those meltdowns.
For example: "Stubborn" becomes "focused" or "persistent" - don't you want your future employees to be focused?
"Reluctant" becomes "cautious" or "reflective" - wouldn't an ideal employee or grad student think before she acted? Ponder options?
You see how it works...you, as mom/advocate, can use the positive vocabulary you learn to help others understand your daughter and help yourself identify the meltdown triggers. It does take time and energy, but I assure you that you can do these things!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Sept 14 2012 at 6:56am | IP Logged
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Thanks ladies. Some awesome ideas, advice, and support. I have to read Spirited Child, again. And relaxing some,with schoolwork. That is hard because I am also pushing a freshman in high school, so I carry that over to her-and she is behind academically so I am feeling some intense pressure there  also, she needs to be constantly entertained. And her "go to" is electronics, I only like to use them sparingly. So I guess part of my problem is if I relax some on schoolwork, what do I do with her while I work with ds or even on a few household things. Dss work is way above her. She is also easily bored. It is her favorite word. 
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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Barb.b
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| Posted: Sept 14 2012 at 7:40am | IP Logged
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We have the age of 2 of our kids in common. My dd is a freshman and I have a ds 9. I get where high school can stressful as far as your time and energy. I still look at my schedule as alternating between the 2 at times. But my dd in highschool is expected to do alot on her own. With her I grade math daily. I starts with my 9 yr old math - the things we do together (flashcards, grade previous days work, new lesson) then I assign him the problems he is to do. He then works on the lessons problems for the day while I go to his sister and we do algebra 2 together. This I do the first thing of the morning - that way it is done, and the kids do it while they are fresh for the day! If your dd doesn't like you looking over her shoulder - maybe such an arrangement would work for you. Make her feel like you trust her to be responsible. Praise her if she gets it done without you hovering. I would even say - "how nice it is now that your are older! I can leave you to do your work while I do Algebra with your brother!".
That said - back to my freshman - all the rest of her subjects I have assigned for the week - she paces herself through them. Math we meet everyday; most of the other we meet once or MAYBE twice per week (literature may be more like twice).
Maybe have one place of all the things she can choose to do durning school hours when she is done with her work.Put art stuff, books, games, puzzles, even any toys. Also, teach her that she can go ahead and do some other subjects if you are busy - for example when she is done with her math and you are still with your oldest - she can certainly go on to spelling (AAS is good - but I would really consider a workbook like text she can get to and do by herself!). And if she does - PRAISE her responsibility.
I don't think I would neccesarily cut back on the amount of schoolwork - just not use difficult or mom intensive stuff right now. Do every subject - but try to find ones she doesn't need you as much - maybe once again capitalize on her seeming to want to be independent. I must say - workbook like texts are nice because you can meet with her - go over previous days work (maybe grade this ahead without her and jsut go over what was wrong or missed), then go over new lesson, and let her do the lesson. Resist the urge to look over her shoulder! I know you don't mean it this way - but seems like she interprets this as you don't think she can do the work.
Barb
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Sept 14 2012 at 9:42am | IP Logged
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Parents, Kids and Power Struggles by the Spirited Child Author is also invaluable - it is a must have at my house.
My ds is a lot like your dd. It can be exhausting.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Meltdowns
