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SeaStar
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Parents, Kids and Power Struggles
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
I have read many books on parenting- Dr. Ray, Dobson, Sears, etc- but this is absolutely the best one I have ever read.
I have long been a Mary Sheedy Kurcinka fan- her book "Raising Your Spirited Child" has been a lifesaver for me. My ds is extremely spirited. He is sensitive to noises, clothing tags, crowds; he is very persistent: the boy who is not afraid to ask a hundred times for the same thing. He is also easily frustrated, and that means if he glances at a math problem and thinks he can't do it, he's likely to crumple up the paper and dissolve into tears.
Any of that sound familiar?
So although I have read the Spirited Child book several times, I have just gotten around to reading the Power Struggles book.
Oh my goodness- if you have a child with a short fuse, one who is easily frustrated or acts out.... you MUST read this book.
One thing I liked about this book was the explanation of what happens when you get angry- a ton of cortisol floods your system. Think of how you feel when you're angry. Now imagine you are seven and are feeling those same intense emotions and don't know exactly what to do besides act snarly. If cortisol can give a mom the strength to lift a car off her child, imagine how it can make a teenager act.
The author walks you all the steps you need to handle and help your child.
I love how she says: "If your child is screaming at you, and you tell him that in this family screaming is not allowed, and then he screams at you anyway, you have not failed. You have set the standard, and that is the first step."
Wow- you have not failed. That is a relief to hear. Then she goes on to give you tools and tells you what to do to help your child learn to control his emotions. She gives examples of wording that "disconnects" you from your child (don't talk back to me, because I said so, etc) and words that "connect" you (I'm listening. You may tell me you're unhappy but you may not scream at me).
Best of all, she says over and over again that a difficult child is not "out to get you", to push your buttons and make your life hard. Again, a great thing to hear.
Anyway- can't say enough good things about this book! 
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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JennGM
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| Posted: July 21 2012 at 8:24am | IP Logged
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Sounds like I NEED this book. Thanks, Melinda!
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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SallyT
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Me too. Like, yesterday. Thank you!
Sally
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SeaStar
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| Posted: July 21 2012 at 7:24pm | IP Logged
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I just keep shaking my head over how much this book is helping me.
My ds and I are both persistent. We both like to accomplish our goals without interruptions. It is stressful for us to have to stop frequently. Now that I realize we are so alike, I can see that my, "please clean your room now" vs his "I want to finish this lego creation" is a no win situation.
So now I am posting a list for him to see- things like "Things that have to be done before we go fishing":
clean room
put legos away
etc
He knows he can pick when to do these things, but he also knows that we stay home until they are done.
In the book there is also a section about high intensity... and the example given is of a boy who got all upset about doing math homework. Yippeee!
I have struck gold. This one little section has given me several ideas about how to change up our math routine to avoid a struggle and tears.
I am just so sad the book has to end... I could keep reading forever!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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jawgee
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| Posted: July 21 2012 at 7:44pm | IP Logged
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THANK YOU for this. I loved her Spirited Child book, but now my spirited child is almost 11!! Can't wait to read it.
(Frustration over math homework?!?! This is exactly what I need. LOL).
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
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3ringcircus
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Any of this/these pertain to toddlers? My 2yo is running me through the wringer. He was throwing all-out tantrums at 15mo., and KNOWS HIS MIND ABOUT EVERYTHING. I've already had two LOs who have spirited aspects to their personalities, and read many of the typical books. The diffusion/distraction/respectful communication strategies worked on them reasonably well, but not this guy. Everything is a power struggle.
Not that I really need a toddler book. If her books seem to apply to LOs younger than school-aged, I could probably glean something.
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Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
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guitarnan
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I think Kurcinka's true gift is that she can effectively convey how various aspects of temperament work within an individual AND offer ways to work with instead of against not only our child's temperament but also our own. We need to understand ourselves as well as our children.
I know her books were lifesavers for me as a young (well, younger  ) parent, and even now, with a 20-year-old son, I still reach back into that treasure trove of information once in a while and remind myself that my son is intense, very intense, and persistent as well. And I'm the queen of Negative First Reaction...I've had to learn to say, "I need time to think," instead of, "No!"
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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3ringcircus
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Interesting. I think Negative First Reaction is becoming my middle name, especially since S is a screamer and I am extremely sensitive to sound.
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Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
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guitarnan
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Negative First Reaction has ALWAYS been my middle name. It took Kurcinka's books to alert me to this fact and show me that not everyone is like me. (Honestly...don't give me a surprise party!)
Once I learned about myself, I was much better able to cope with my husband's extroverted personality and understand the very different temperaments of my two children. Even better, I was able to use positive words when my children were in tantrum/power struggle mode and (more importantly!) with their teachers (pre-homeschooling), who didn't know much about temperament, as things turned out. Advocating for your child is one of the best gifts you can give to him or her. Children need words to use in stressful situations, and adults need positive vocabulary instead of negative to describe the behavior of intense, persistent and focused children.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SeaStar
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| Posted: July 23 2012 at 6:52am | IP Logged
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3ringcircus wrote:
Any of this/these pertain to toddlers? My 2yo is running me through the wringer. He was throwing all-out tantrums at 15mo., and KNOWS HIS MIND ABOUT EVERYTHING. I've already had two LOs who have spirited aspects to their personalities, and read many of the typical books. The diffusion/distraction/respectful communication strategies worked on them reasonably well, but not this guy. Everything is a power struggle.
Not that I really need a toddler book. If her books seem to apply to LOs younger than school-aged, I could probably glean something. |
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Oh, yes-
she has plenty of toddler examples sprinkled through out the book. Temperament is something we are born with- how God made us. When my ds was young, I had many people telling me he would be different if I would only do this or that... as if it were my fault he has such a strong personality.
This book goes into some of the Meyers-Briggs personality types: thinkers vs. feelers, which I had not read much about before. For me, it is not only helpful but fascinating.
Of course, I have two children who are polar opposites. My ds is off the charts "spirited" in every way, plus he is a "thinker". My dd is an introvert who is a feeler.
I have to laugh- for the past couple of months my dd has been going through a phase. If she is upset, or if I ask her to do something she is not keen about, she will say, "Just stop looking at me". That is a new one for her, but in the book it is clearly listed as typical introvert. An introvert can value personal space and time to think and process so much that even having someone looking at them can feel like too much.
Oh- and I learned that for persistent personality types, giving a ten minute, then five minute, etc warning about leaving or stopping an activity is not enough. It is better to say, "We are leaving in ten minutes. What do you need time to do or wrap up before we leave? ".
I am using this combined approach now with my son, and it is working much better for us. 
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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kristacecilia
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I need this book!
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God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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pumpkinmom
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Picked this book up at the library today.  Looking forward to reading it after I read Free Range Kids (that was suggested on another post). Reading that one first since I got it through a library loan and will need to be returned sooner.
Thanks for the recommendation!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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SallyT
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Ha, I'm a negative-first-reactioner, too, and two of my four are DISTINCTLY in that category. My oldest is 18, and I still have to step back and remember this about her sometimes. My 10yo doesn't . . . give me . . . much of a chance . . . to forget -- but that's good, because when I remember, I can tell him, "Now, remember that your mind's first answer is always no, no matter how you're going to feel later, so maybe let's wait before we answer . . . "
Anyway, it really does sound as though I need this book. I loved Raising Your Spirited Child when the aforementioned 18yo was small: she was the classic negative-first-reaction, clothing-hypersensitivity, transition-hating poster child. She's a great person, maturity having tempered all those traits so that the silver lining of her original personality now pretty much IS her personality. But I'm thinking the Power Struggle book will speak to my relationship with that girl's 10yo brother . . . the odd-number kids in my family got *that* personality!
Thank you again for the suggestion and the book review.
Sally
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guitarnan
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The real silver lining is that, as parents, we can learn to better understand ourselves, our children and our relationships. We can (and need to!) find positive terminology to use when other people use negative words (e. g. "stubborn" vs. "persistent") about our children or about us. We can change how people perceive our children by using these words and offering suggestions to teachers, relatives and friends.
My son is still very, very intense, very opinionated (as in, "What is this gray area you speak of?"), very difficult to turn away from the path he's laid out for himself. And I am so glad, because he truly loves our Holy Faith and is willing to endure criticism in order to practice it, articulate enough to explain why this is so and kind enough to acknowledge that there are people out there who hold differing opinions and deserve time and space to exercise their freedom of worship, too.
No one will ever be able to convince him that there's a "better" way to handle religious freedom and freedom of worship. He understands the Constitution (his father is in the military, after all).
Our "difficult" (and I use that term very loosely) and persistent children are the advocates of tomorrow. Please join me in asking Sts. Peter and Paul to pray for these articulate, persistent, faith-filled young people.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SaraP
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I love, love, LOVE this book!
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SeaStar
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| Posted: July 27 2012 at 2:38pm | IP Logged
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Me, too!
I believe I am going to do the volcano experiment with my ds.
Also- love the "bull dozing" term.
I think I am going to post a list of bull dozing phrases and their alternatives to go over with my dc. I really like the idea of teaching them specific phrases to express what they mean in a pinch.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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jawgee
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I just ordered the hardcover for $4.50 shipped from an Amazon seller. Can't wait to read it. I loved her "Spirited Child" book.
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
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3ringcircus
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I just got mine on Kindle, and have to start reading. I was interacting w/ S a little bit more mindfully over the past few days. Yeah, he's definitely also a, Negative First Reaction sort of little person. Between him saying 'no' to me, and me saying 'no' to him, it's quite a relationship. Of course, sometimes, I have to say no. "Sorry, we don't have peaches right now. Would you like a plum?" "NO, I want a peach." etc., etc. That sort of thing.
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Christine
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pumpkinmom
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Thanks so much for this book suggestion! I am about half way through it and really glad I picked it up. Wonderful information!
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
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Misty
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So when you say "negitive first" you are referring to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka book correct? Is it the spirited child one or the power struggle one? I need one of them.. I am totally this parent though I try and pray that I will stop. I was raised by a mom of this and I hated it. I humble myself a lot and work on it but there are times I make HUGE mistakes.
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Topic: Parents, Kids and Power Struggles
