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mamaslearning
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Has anybody read the book Postive Parenting With A Plan?
Also, do you have family rules with related consequences for violating the rules? Would you mind sharing? I have retreated into reactive parenting and I really want to change into a proactive parent.
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
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Angie Mc
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I haven't read the book, Lara, and would like to hear your take on it. Isn't reactive parenting so discouraging? I tend to go there when I'm really overwhelmed and/or not feeling well  .
Yes, we do have written rules and related written consequences. We try to keep them immediate, prioritized, and simple. That's all I can handle  .
Here's one example:
Rule (13+): No cell phone before 1:00. Consequence: Lose phone for 24hrs. If it happens again shortly thereafter, lose for 48hrs, etc. Getting studies done in the morning is a high priority.
Rule: No whining. Consequence: Take a nap. Positive relationships is a high priority.
I am very happy to brainstorm along these lines. What are your highest priorities? What behaviors or situations are driving you crazy (just guessing  ).
Love,
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Angie Mc
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mamaslearning
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We haven't totally lost control, but we are on the verge. I don't have consistency, unless yelling counts.  So in thinking of rules, I was thinking along the lines of:
Respect others - no hitting, pushing, making fun of, provoking (he's staring at me), etc. BUT if they do those things what are natural consequences? I make them apologize, but what is a consistent response? Does sitting in a corner teach the lesson?
Pick up when done playing - my older ones need to transition to independent work, but I'm at a lose for how to enforce. I constantly threaten to throw everything away, and I have cleared out a ton of toys, but I can see I need to purge some more and then maybe take everything away that is still on the floor?
We have morning chores, but I haven't figured out what to do if they don't do them.
Thanks for the help.
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
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cathhomeschool
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mamaslearning wrote:
| Respect others - no hitting, pushing, making fun of, provoking (he's staring at me), etc. BUT if they do those things what are natural consequences? I make them apologize, but what is a consistent response? Does sitting in a corner teach the lesson? |
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Consistency is a *major* problem over here too. With hitting/etc one of the consequences we have given is to have to serve (as in be the helper, etc) the person you've hit/etc for a specified amount of time (the day) or to do something of that person's choice with them (play specific board game, whatever). The idea is that they have hurt their brother and now need to make loving decisions regarding that brother. Sometimes we give the hitter chores to do (You've obviously got too much energy. Please go sweep all the leaves off the driveway and sidewalk.) Sometimes we resort to time out. They always have to apologize.
mamaslearning wrote:
| Pick up when done playing - my older ones need to transition to independent work, but I'm at a lose for how to enforce. I constantly threaten to throw everything away, and I have cleared out a ton of toys, but I can see I need to purge some more and then maybe take everything away that is still on the floor? |
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I've gave up this battle a long time ago. The lego mess in their room is permanent and I've let it go. I've had friends who use a check-out system. Toys are kept in a closet. When you want something you go to Mom to check it out. You don't get another toy/board game until you check in the first one with Mom.
mamaslearning wrote:
| We have morning chores, but I haven't figured out what to do if they don't do them. |
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The system that worked best for us was a ticket system. They had all of their chores written on tags (or sometimes on a sheet of paper inside a page protector). When I saw them in the mornings I'd remind them to "Check themselves out." Once they finished all of their chores they'd come to me and I'd check the list and ask questions. If they'd done everything before "school time" or "lunch time" they'd earn a ticket which could later be redeemed for wii or tv time. No check me out, no ticket, no wii.
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Erin
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Mmm my dh is a big one on natural justice/consequences. Let's see, if children start whining and fighting over electronics, screens are turned off. It means you need more physical activity outside
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mamaslearning wrote:
Respect others - no hitting, pushing, making fun of, provoking (he's staring at me), etc. BUT if they do those things what are natural consequences? I make them apologize, but what is a consistent response? Does sitting in a corner teach the lesson? |
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Sometimes it's all about terminology.. sitting in the corner.. can be "since you're not treating people nicely, you can't be with them so you have to sit in the corner"
I also use "if you're hitting each other you have too much energy and you can do X number of push ups... or situps.. or run to the end of teh street and back.. etc"
Or "since you can't deal with the situation you must be tired and you may go lay down on your bed for a rest."
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MNMommy
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mamaslearning wrote:
We have morning chores, but I haven't figured out what to do if they don't do them.
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What works for us is to keep morning chores rather minimal and to have morning chore time before breakfast. They aren't ready for breakfast until their chores are done. I suppose you could say the same thing for lunch.
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Jennifer
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Angie Mc
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mamaslearning wrote:
Respect others - no hitting, pushing, making fun of, provoking (he's staring at me), etc. BUT if they do those things what are natural consequences? I make them apologize, but what is a consistent response? Does sitting in a corner teach the lesson? |
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We have developed the habit of making amends. It's not just saying you are sorry, which is somewhat easy. It includes several steps that we expect to be carried out fully. Making things right and asking for forgiveness is difficult. Older children think twice because they really don't want to do the harder steps.
mamaslearning wrote:
| Pick up when done playing - my older ones need to transition to independent work, but I'm at a lose for how to enforce. I constantly threaten to throw everything away, and I have cleared out a ton of toys, but I can see I need to purge some more and then maybe take everything away that is still on the floor? |
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We've done different things over the years. Right now our main rule is to keep our space clear. Big projects, toys, games, are outside, in bedrooms, or garage. My little guy has a few places for his crafts, keva blocks, and such. We do a big sweep through the house at around 4:00 to tidy up.
mamaslearning wrote:
We have morning chores, but I haven't figured out what to do if they don't do them.
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I've got to get to sleep, but one thing that has worked well for us is to do chores as a team. For example, we all work on the kitchen after meals till its done. Working together, in one space at a time, keeps us focused and accountable.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Becky Parker
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MNMommy wrote:
mamaslearning wrote:
We have morning chores, but I haven't figured out what to do if they don't do them.
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What works for us is to keep morning chores rather minimal and to have morning chore time before breakfast. They aren't ready for breakfast until their chores are done. |
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This is what we do. "No Work No Eat" (a shortened version of the Bible verse). It really only works for our morning chores because they are minimal - personal things like make bed, brush teeth, etc. and one household chore like put the clean dishes away. It takes them about 15 min to get it all done when they move quickly.
For afternoon chores, I don't allow the kids to do any electronic activities (Wii, computer) until they are done. I have to do a better job of checking the chores after they do them though. Sometimes they rush through, doing them half way and I find that REALLY frustrating! 
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Becky
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Becky Parker
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Erin wrote:
Mmm my dh is a big one on natural justice/consequences. Let's see, if children start whining and fighting over electronics, screens are turned off. It means you need more physical activity outside
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I love anything that requires outside physical activity! On my kid's grumpiest of days sending them outside for a while works wonders to change their attitude. "30 minutes of outdoor play" doesn't sound like a very harsh punishment but for my gang is works a lot better than making them sit still in a corner.
For the older kids, working outside is better (move the wood pile, shovel the snow, clean up after the dog....). We've also been known to have them run laps around the yard. Our neighbor laughs because he always knows when one of the kids gets in trouble!
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Becky Parker
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Angie Mc wrote:
Isn't reactive parenting so discouraging? I tend to go there when I'm really overwhelmed and/or not feeling well .
Yes, we do have written rules and related written consequences. We try to keep them immediate, prioritized, and simple. That's all I can handle .
Here's one example:
Rule (13+): No cell phone before 1:00. Consequence: Lose phone for 24hrs. If it happens again shortly thereafter, lose for 48hrs, etc. Getting studies done in the morning is a high priority.
Rule: No whining. Consequence: Take a nap. Positive relationships is a high priority.
I am very happy to brainstorm along these lines. What are your highest priorities? What behaviors or situations are driving you crazy (just guessing ).
Love,
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I think brainstorming the rules and logical consequences is a great idea. I really need a list that I can refer to, or better yet, have the kids refer to! "What does the chart say is the consequence for that behavior?" would de-personalize it and put the responsibility on the child.
I have a job jar but it rarely gets used. I don't know why but I am always reluctant to put it to use. I guess I'm too easy.
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Becky
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mamaslearning
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I realize, after reading all these wonderful suggestions, that a majority of the problem is me. I just never took a good look at our situation until last night. I'm the one that needs to take action and be consistent. I cannot expect them to just do their chores, be respectful, and follow the rules at this age. For some reason I just expected them to *know* how to behave since they were growing up.  Oh, the lazy mom syndrome stricks again! The good news is that the fog of postpartum is lifting and I can more clearly see my role in our chaos.
So actions to take:
Read this post again.
Breathe
Set up a doable routine to allow natural consequences (no breakfast until morning chores are completed) as much as possible.
Focus on routines to handle the household (set up blocks of time for work, play, rest).
Foster loving actions as suggested above for physical/verbal altercations.
Stay off the computer!! I cannot parent or maintain a house when I escape to the computer. Set healhty limits.
Stop yelling. Just don't do it anymore unless a life is in danger. This is going to be difficult since this is my first reaction to most situations. Use calming talk to clearly see the situation before making a ruling.
Exercise.
Drink more water.
Okay, this gives me some good starting points. I am so lucky to have this forum to help me navigate being a mom!!!  to you all!
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Lara
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Becky Parker
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Not to hijack, but can I get some consequence ideas for this situation:
We start our day with morning prayer time, but this is usually what it looks like:
The kids are all having quiet conversations or doing quiet activities (think of some nice peaceful elevator music to create a better idea of things ) and then I call them to our sunroom for prayer time. BANG! It's like everyone goes nuts! The baby needs a diaper change NOW!, the 4yo acts out for attention, the 8 and 10 yo boys start wrestling, even my 12yo dd starts noticing that we have snow falling or birds at the feeder, or whatever - "Hey! Look everyone! There's a squirrel!" So now everyone runs to the window to see the squirrel they see every other day and care little about! It's like a conspiracy or something. So, I get mad, start yelling or at least talking sternly...
I finally get them calmed down for prayer which goes something like this:
"Hail Mary 'MOM, he's kicking me when you aren't looking!' full of grace 'Isaac, get off the back of the couch!' the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou 'Mom! Patrick smells poopy again!' etc.
I find this appalling, as I'm sure you do too. I'll admit I exaggerated a bit but this is prayer time for crying out loud! They are supposed to act like holy, reverent children! Trouble is, I can't find a consequence that works. Taking away electronics is really too far away. I don't want to stop prayer to punish... I'm at a loss! A friend suggested I make them write the prayers after we pray. I've never used writing as a punishment but if it works I'd give it a try. Really, I think if the older kids shaped up, the 4yo would fall in line. The baby is the only one with an excuse, imo. Any help? It's really not a good way to start the day!
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Angie Mc
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Lara, I'm so glad you started this topic. It's one that I need to revisit regularly. Today, I have all my binders out to fine tune and I'm seeing that we're more off track than I first thought  . Oh well. God's perfect timing in all things! It's cheering to know that I can brainstorm specific situations as I run across them during my planning today.
Becky, I'm also glad you asked about prayer time because we struggled with this a while back and FINALLY landed on what works for us. It all seems so CRAZY to put so much effort into organizing what should be, in my mind, a simple task!!! But, it really isn't that simple because it takes a lot of cooperation and discipline to make it work.
Morning Prayer is on our *highest priority* list! Seriously, if we do nothing else right all day long, we can rest in the truth that we showed God our love for Him and our desire to please Him.
We peg it to the clock (currently 9:00 am) so everyone who can tell time knows when it is coming AND is expected to help each other be aware of the time. We wake up at different times so this when everyone has been up for awhile (except my littlest sometimes.)
At 8:55 several cell phone timers go off. At 9:00 *everyone* is responsible to announce "Prayer Peg." It's usually me but sometimes the boys compete to say it first and/or do so if I'm not available.
*All* know to start the Prayer Peg *with or without all members present. This is about giving God attention. Now.
Have an assigned meeting place. Everyone is expected to be at the dining table to begin.
Prayers are written down and read/memorized.
*I* give my full attention to prayer time with *few* exceptions (such as I'm not in the home, my dh needs to talk with me for an emergency). I don't discipline during prayer.
Consequences:
If a child is late for prayer, once prayer is finished I ask why they are late. Either it is a reasonable excuse (in the bathroom) and I accept it or it is unreasonable and I have them call their Dad. He doles out stiff consequences.
If a child was disruptive during prayer time, we do the prayer time over. And we keep doing it over and over until it is done well. Rarely, have we needed to do this more than 3 times in a row.
Becky, I sure hope you find something that helps!
Can we all pray for each other as we find chip away, finding rules and consequences for our highest priorities, that help bring peace and increase discipline? Thanks!
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Angi
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I love love love these ideas! I know that reading concrete ideas helps me out a lot.
The only thing I am consistance with is laundry. I fold at the dinner table. I place everyone's clothes by their seat. They must put away their laundry before they can eat. This works for almost all meals (school at the table sometimes gets in the way LOL). This works best if I check that their clothes are not put away, and it also works for the adults of the house.
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Erin
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Angie
We started a prayer peg at 7am last year. They are called/woken to come at 6.45am. This is major for us as my teens would happily sleep till noon. This enables Dad to say prayers with us before leaving for work.
Consequence; When called and you are a no show, we start without child. when they finally emerge after missing prayers they are consoled, "You poor dear, you really needed your sleep. Tonight you can catch up more by going to bed half an hour earlier (thereby cutting computer time short ) as you are so tired" needless to say they only need that reminder rarely
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Oh, Erin, I love it! Looking forward to the day my children actually sleep in so I can use it!
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Erin
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We just started back into a routine this morning, I have a 12 and 14yr old needing extra napping tonight
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Erin
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Angie Mc
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I'm the one who usually needs the nap around here!
Thought of another consequence that is quick and effective for all ages. I will stop everything and read from a lovely child's book that points us back to God. Currently, I'm reading from, "My Jesus and I." I'll just read for a minute or 2, then I'll ask, "Are we better now?" Sometimes we just need to settle down and soften our hearts.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Family Rules/Consequences/Positive Parent
