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Willa
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| Posted: Jan 06 2012 at 4:46pm | IP Logged
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I asked for prayers about my mother who is suffering from cancer. Thank you so much for the prayers!
I thought I would ask for wisdom about how to cope with things like having a sick parent, or perhaps a grown child living through trouble -- things like that. I know many of us have lived through severely difficult times in the life of a loved one. What helped you keep your serenity and your proactivity at the same time? Did you develop any strategies? Any comforting maxims?
I feel like in a way I could write a book on coping with sick family members, since my two youngest both had medical difficulties. But this is different. THEN I knew I just had to be their mother, be vigilant, be there for them, and keep our family ties as strong as possible.
However, it seems different when it is a parent living far away (and I can see this also being the case with grown children as they move out into the world -- or if a sibling or close friend became ill). I am just having a hard time balancing -- respecting my mother's independence and not hovering, but also being there and being what she needs, especially when she lives so far away (in Alaska!).
I know others have probably dealt with this and just thought I would ask what guidelines you came up with, what you did that helped, what you learned!
Hope this makes sense 
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 06 2012 at 6:14pm | IP Logged
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I don't know that anything we did was as cut and dried as you're asking for.. we didn't come up with strategies or guidelines.
You haven't said if your mother has someone there to help her? Or what level of disability/discomfort/pain she may face. My dad (step-father) had a great deal of pain from the cancerous tumors he had. In his lungs and then moving out from there into his spinal column/neck, so he was in a great deal of pain before the end. He had my mom there with him the entire time but the last 6 months mom just couldn't do it by herself anymore. Not only did she need some physical help but she also needed the emotional support and hugs of having us right there. We had the advantage of my parents being permanant RVers so my BIL rode the bus down to them and drove their RV here to my sister's house (she had more room). We also have the advantage of my sister and I only living about 4 blocks apart.
So from a distance I think the best thing is to simply be there.. call frequentl but about more than "how are you doing?" just keep in touch more closely than perhaps has been your habit in the past. If there's a possibility of you being able to go and help her or her coming to you, you might work out as many details as you can "just in case" without necessarily needing to do it at any given time.. but if it comes down to it, even if your mother is still very independant now and won't hear of it, there may come a time when she won't be able to be and having a plan in place for that will make it all go smoothly and make it easier to put into action.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Jan 06 2012 at 7:38pm | IP Logged
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I think one of the hardest things is that the disease is so big and powerful, and there are things to talk about with regard to it; it's prudent to ask questions about care. But, the adult person doesn't want to be defined by the disease, nor do they want every minute of time spent to be underwritten by talk that pertains to managing the disease. So, I suppose one of the things we really tried to do while my brother was relatively healthy and active was to allow our time spent to stay in the present moment and be with the person, not allowing the disease to intrude. Talk about the little ordinary things. It did almost have to be a conscious thought because as the disease looms larger and larger, you almost have to steel yourself and give yourself a pep talk, "We are not promised one single moment beyond right now. I'm going to choose to celebrate every single moment we have, and relish every moment with this person, and not allow thoughts or my imagination to go further than this moment." Nothing forced or syrupy sweet. Just let regular things be regular. And when little things make you smile - smile without an air of bittersweet! Not an easy thing to do, and an especially difficult act of the will at the end.
One thing that is hard is considering plans. Gardening plans. Vacation plans. Plans to travel and see family. Any plans beyond the next treatment are so nebulous. These can be very hard for the person that is suffering to consider, and sometimes there may even be a note of bitterness when they must face that their suffering means they cannot make plans beyond the next treatment. A lighthearted encouragement helps here, something like, "Oh goodness, you know we can't plan that far ahead anyway with all that's going on around here. We'll think more about that later." Just giving the person some time to back off from that moment - not being able to plan beyond treatments - usually allows them to settle a bit and then they can think about plans or doing things again.
Being a long distance away will be hard, Willa, and one of the most challenging things is not beginning every conversation with "How are you doing? How are you feeling?" That question was very hard for Chris, and he tolerated it only for a short time before he didn't want to hear that question again. One time after I had been away for a bit, and knowing that I shouldn't ask that question, I slipped up and asked it, and he looked at me like he didn't know how to answer and time was almost suspended and he finally said, "I have brain cancer and I'm dying, Jenny." Oh dear. I was crushed. Don't ask that question unless you can ask it within the context of something a little more material - like, "How is this chemo affecting you?" or "Do you feel tired?" or "Are you dealing with nausea?" It's hard not to ask "How are you doing" first off....because not being geographically close, it's the very first question that seems to pop out and it's what your heart longs to know. Begin conversations in familiar, gentle ways. Ask questions about care after you've spent time with the person.
A particular suffering for you will be not being there as often as you'd like. That is a heavy cross. I'll pray as you carry it. Call her often and keep your relationship as connected as possible.
Jodie's recommendation to plan ahead in prudence as much as you can is a good idea. The unpredictable nature of this disease and the need to be present at certain points of it may be a possibility or a priority for you. There may be creative ways to work out travel or accommodations or logistics if you are able to put a little level-headed thought into it ahead of time. If you know already that you'd like to be present for surgeries, if blood counts dip dangerously low, etc., begin having those discussions now with your husband. Having some contingency plans in place brings peace.
If your mom doesn't have other siblings/family around her to help her with care, those are hard conversations that need to happen. This is definitely a cross that needs a "Simon" or two to help.
One other thing we did was shift priorities in terms of what we did with time/money so that we could spend as much time as a family with Chris. We knew we would not have long with him after a certain point. I have never regretted the sacrifices we made in our time and resources in order to spend time with him making memories. If you can get your family to see your mom, if there's a way, those memories are worth the effort.
Know that my prayers continue for your mom, her treatment and health. And I am praying for you, Willa. This is no easy walk. 
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Jan 06 2012 at 8:39pm | IP Logged
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I wanted to come back because I realize that both Jodie and I offered our experiences of having assisted a sick loved one from the perspective of having said goodbye to that person already. And I didn't want my post to seem like I was posting as if that result were a foregone conclusion with your mom. Not at all! We are, of course, praying for your mom's recovery and health! With all our hearts.
I suppose it's hard (maybe impossible) to write from those experiences without the perspective of looking back along the way of the cross and considering those points along the way....as well as considering the foot of that cross and how each fall, each wipe of the brow, though mysterious at the time, led our family closer to the cross. The suffering is so mysterious and so much is unknown while you're along that Via, but looking back now means that those unknowns are now known. I know the end of the earthly story. Anyway, it occurred to me that in an attempt to share those things we might have experienced along the way, it was impossible not to share where that way of the cross led us.
Willa wrote:
| What helped you keep your serenity and your proactivity at the same time? Did you develop any strategies? Any comforting maxims? |
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The Divine Mercy chaplet.
And anytime I would begin to consider what might be happening, how awful things were, how hopeless things seemed, I would pray, "Jesus, I trust in You. I entrust Chris to Your Most Sacred Heart." There was so much peace right there. That prayer would restore order to thoughts and I really believe it allowed the Holy Spirit a clear path to prompt us so that we could make clear decisions for Chris' care, decisions that protected his dignity.
I grew to find great consolation in reading the Psalms during the time of Chris' sickness, and they continue to be a real window and comfort.
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: Jan 07 2012 at 7:14pm | IP Logged
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Dear Willa,
You and your mother, as well as your entire family have our heartfelt prayers during this difficult time. I simply want to echo Jen's recommendation/sharing of the Divine Mercy Chaplet as something which can help bring immense comfort and serenity at times such as you and your family are facing. When my father was dying, the Divine Mercy Chaplet was particularly comforting to him and to all of us. May Christ's Divine Mercy immerse your mother and your loved ones with abundant Grace, abiding Hope and profound Trust in the days ahead.
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Being There for Sick Adult Loved Ones
