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Barb.b
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| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 8:22am | IP Logged
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Ds's (9 years old) "best friend" (ds's words) is a bully. This "friend" lives 2 houses away on our little court. As soon as they moved in back in February, the boys naturally began playing together. Lately this problem has been getting worse. This child used to go to a small private school and now goes to the local public school. Since the beginning of school things are much worse. THis child tells my son: he will be bad at soccer (we just signed him up for 1st time), that ds is not good at any sport, that he is a baby because I read aloud to him still (and I that I need to stop), he tells him he will be made if ds watches certain shows (cause they are for 3 year olds in the boys opinion), he has told him ds is weird for liking certain shows or games, that ds has no talent, if ds is nice to the childs younger sister - the kids says "do you want me to hurt you" !. He has told him when looking at 2 pictures ds drew , pointing to the latest picture: "that one in worse then the first!".
Finally I over hear a comment Sunday. I (in a nice voice) ask the kids if he is friends with ds. He says yes so I say - then you can't tell him things like this. I tell him - it is not ok to be rude, call names or say anything that would hurt someone's feelings. . . you know nice but teaching voice I tell him at his level - you got to stop. This interchange is short, to the point and not mean on my part. Well the kid goes up on our play ground and starts really crying. You get the picture. He comes again and says - (like this will excuse him) - that he says these things because ds is nicer to his 5 year old sister then to him. Well, this leads to more talk - no thats not true, but sister is younger and a girl and ds HAS to be nice to her or get in trouble with me. . . .
I decide, since the kid was crying - to tell his dad. Dad rolls his eyes and says, yes - not a day goes by that the kid isn't crying (I mean like weeping).
Dad doesn't have the kid apologize to ds (or me) burt starts chatting about something else. So , no big deal to dad! My 14 year old dd and I compare observations - this kid is mean when he thinks no one is listening. OK - first step - ds can't play at this kids house (parents don't care and don't supervise), well I over hear this latest at my house - so Now I tell ds that he can MAYBE play with this kid 1 -2 times per week but only at our house. I tell him - I may soon say he can't play at all.
Ds, poor kid, likes the idea of calling someone a best friend. BUt with all the news of bullys in the last few years - I just can't' allow this!
What to you think ladies?
Sorry for the long post!
Edited to add - the problem is ds believes this stuff. He turns on the tv to watch something and says "oh I can't watch that or he will be made". He draws something and says " I know - its no good", He suddenly doesn't want to play soccer, He tells me "this is our last night of you reading aloud to me". So I am constantly "de-programming" ds and doing "damage control. It is daily, So I am thinking a total stopping playing with this bully is what is needed.
What do you ladies think?
Barb
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 9:00am | IP Logged
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Oh, Barb- this sounds like a really tough situation.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things... talking to the parents, the boy himself, limiting contact...
I will be praying for you!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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stellamaris
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| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 9:02am | IP Logged
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From what you have said, it sounds to me as if this relationship very detrimental to your son. Have you discussed this with your dh? What is his opinion?
If I were dealing with this situation, I would severely restrict contact with the neighbor boy. I would be "busy" most of the time he came to play. I would also tell him if you hear more of this kind of talk when he is there that he will not be allowed to come over if he continues to "talk mean". Another thing I have done in a similar situation in the past is to keep the playtime very structured. I included the difficult child in a little Bible study we were doing, in crafts, etc. he was very emotionally needy and really loved the attention of an adult. Also, I could keep a constant eye on what was being done and said. Unfortunately, this means no real break for you while he is there. I agree that you should not allow your son to play you at his house. I also think a conversation with your son about not listening to whatever others say is in order (you've probably already tried that). Children at this age are highly influenced by their peers, so this is the beginning of learning a little bit of judgement about and resistance to the influence of others.
Your son won't be happy about this, but you need to consider his longer term interests. Can you work on finding another playmate for him that might share your family's values and encouraging that friendship?
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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Aagot
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| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 10:21am | IP Logged
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I would move!  That little boy has way too much power and I would not allow him near my family. That is my momma bear response. Now for my concerned Christian neighbor response: "what a troubled child! I wonder what is going on in his life that is causing such pain." From what you have said my guess would be lack of affection/attention from his parents. Caroline's idea is wonderful and would be a true act of kindness. Not saying I could pull it off and certainly not at the cost of my son, but if I could, it might help that wounded little soul.
Praying for you!
Aagot
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Barb.b
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| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 10:51am | IP Logged
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Well, our house is for sale - but not because of the boy! Yes, something is wrong - why would a boy repeatedly say the same line "do you want me to hurt you". My thought - who says that to him. But I find that for now - this week - I will let him play here on thursday afternoon - I will supervise and sometimes be supervising and listening when the neighbor thinks I am not - one more comment from the neighbor and we are done!
Barb
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Willa
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| Posted: Dec 21 2011 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
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I agree that you are doing the right things in limiting contact and supervising. I am just thinking that I feel sorry for the neighbor boy, though.
His intense verbal abuse and pattern of crying totally sounds like a way of passing on something that is happening to him -- I wonder if he is being bullied in school and his folks are missing the signs?
It's no reason that you son should be victimized, but it's too bad that it sounds like his friend's parents aren't really very communicative, because it's so much easier to deal with these friendship issues when both sets of parents are aware of the issue and paying attention.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Kathryn
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I think next time he comes over, y'all need to sit down, have a snack, pull out a book and read aloud! 
Really I guess if you think about it...may be a good fable about being a good friend or not bullying!
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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HSMama
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| Posted: Dec 22 2011 at 7:19am | IP Logged
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this child seems so sad. usually when they act like this they are being treated like that. by parents or friends at school? he needs help and love and if you are willing to put in some time and show him some respect you may find another child underneath all the hate.
could you plan a snack and read a book and maybe a craft? he may think reading aloud is dumb because his parents never read to him. can you imagine? maybe inside he is longing to cuddle up with his mom to read a book. tell him that if he doesnt like something that is going on in your home that he may leave. no complaining, just go home.
if he will not listen then no more. sorry, cant come over to our home anymore. ds will find another friend elsewhere. not worth the hurt
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Dec 22 2011 at 10:42pm | IP Logged
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I sat down to type a response yesterday but got called away. I agree that it seems like something might be going on elsewhere in this child's life to explain this behavior -- maybe at home or school or with extended family or older kids. I would second Caroline's approach of severely limiting contact and insisting it take place at your house under supervision. By your presence and interaction with the kids you can nip hurtful comments in the bud (demonstrating concrete boundaries for acceptable behavior in your home and also modeling appropriate behavior/comments) and also provide a positive experience (reading aloud  or playing a game or whatever with them). This does require extra time and effort from you (and honestly I'd be tempted to take the easy route and tell the child "we can't play"), but I think it's worth a shot for both boys' sakes.
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10 Bright Stars
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My only thought is that if it is like this NOW, what will it be like in a few years when this boy is a lot bigger, more savvy at manipulating, and the relationship is much more established? If he has this power of persuasion now, what will happen when your son is older, feels he is this guys friend etc.? I would nip it in the bud now. You could even start out in a subtle way..."no, my son has to do school now. We are going to the store now"...make some sort of true excuse and try to distance yourself from the situation. I too was a follower type all of my life and always seemed to attact people who were bullies to me! Not my fault then, but it is my fault now if I continue to let people treat me in a disrespectful way. Right now, it is your responsibility to protect the child. I am familiar with this circumstance and had to overcome people respect issues etc., and it is an ongoing thing, because my children were being given bad example, and the parents in the situation were even problamatic....so, difficult, but MUCH easier NOW when you hold all the cards, than later when you may be filled w/ regrets. Your mother alarm bell is ringing off the hook, so listen to it and trust it. I kept surpressing mine to be "polite", but at what price? Only time will tell. Sadly, sometimes we can't always be "nice", which is an issue all women struggle with I think. This other child is NOT your responsibility to raise or correct etc. But, it is perfectly within your rights to restrict who your kid sees, and if hurts the other kids feelings, then he may learn a lesson his parents are unable to teach him. If the parents inquire about it, which I doubt they even will, then you could just say you don't think the relationship is a good fit for either child and leave it at that. You don't owe them an explanation. Since the other child is learning that he can throw his weight around etc. with no consequences, he will just learn to bully MORE people if he isn't made to stop and reflect as to what happened. Sorry for the terse sounding advice, but I always think I am "nice" and was trained to be "polite", always. When I reflected on the fact that my "kindness", which might really just be spinlessness, (not you, me) was going to effect my kids, possibly irreversibly, I had to really step back and look at myself. When I (now)feel myself wanting to just let things go and have the status quo, I think to myself, "NO! Think about how this will affect the kids, and then I have to do something that goes against my natural personality and do something difficult, like say "No." But, it is for their protection and formation...it ain't always easy. 
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Dec 27 2011 at 10:30am | IP Logged
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Just anther quick "observation" that I only have learned since my husband is rather savvy himself. It took me years and YEARS and many hurt feelings later to internalize the sad, sad fact that lots of people are just plain mean, do NOT have the "always be nice and polite" meter ingrained in them, and do NOT have your best interest in mind as you may naturally consider theirs. I am speaking about adults here, not necc. children, but children who are raised in households like this, while not necc. to be blamed for poor training, WILL unfortunately be affected by the habits and bad habits of the parents. Also, what people TELL you isn't always true. Again, what people "seem" is not always what is really going on in their heads. This blew my mind! It really did cause me to have a depression for a few months when my spouse finally helped me to internalize this. So, when you mentioned that you spoke to the Dad about this a little, and he just moved on, he either does recognize the situation and 1. doesn't care 2. doesn't know what to do and won't do anything about it or 3. might even think that it is cool or something like that for his kid to be "in charge" in the circumstance. Yes, people can be this odd from what I am learning!!! So, listen to your mother instinct. It is why God gave it to you!
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: ds best friend. . . sorry long. . .
