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TracyFD
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 7:46am | IP Logged
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Maybe "8yo boy" says it all, but honestly, I don't know what to do with him. Please send some ideas my way!
In spite of having routines/schedule rhythms/daily chores, etc. posted around the house for years, reviewed, inspected, and enforced, my phlegmatic son just is not compliant with any of it!
Each day begins with him waking up late in spite of his alarm going off, getting dressed, then hanging out halfway down the stairs watching the action downstairs. I ask him three questions every morning: did you make your bed, brush your teeth, and change your underwear? Pretty much every day the answer is "no" to all three.
If I check a bit later, his bed is halfway made and there are clothes or dirty socks on the floor. Dirty socks found EVERYWHERE THINKABLE and not changing his underwear are his top two ongoing challenges. He even has a lingerie bag on a hook in his room for dirty socks and underwear. It's usually quite empty.
Then there are the daily chores. He will tidy the mudroom but "forget" to vacuum it or scoop the litter box. This week he has had to be reminded every morning to take down the laundry and start it before eating breakfast. He starts the laundry, but yesterday we discovered that he had not been adding detergent to any of the loads!!! This goes along with him showering but "forgetting" to use shampoo.
Tuesday I checked in on some schoolwork that I trusted he was doing fine with independently. Nope - poor handwriting in his copybook, entire sections skipped in supplemental A Beka math, entry in saint book sloppy without an illustration, many mistakes in Language of God.
Our kids get check marks for behavior like this. This week I think he has 15. We have taken away his pocketknife, hex-bugs, Tin Tin comic book, and allowance. He has also been spanked as recently as Wednesday after discovering that he had not completed even one subject of school work in three hours time. He has also missed out on incentives such as playing Wii and going out for ice cream with dad.
I just don't understand how to get through to this child. Neither positive or negative discipline motivates him. He doesn't seem as much defiant as just lazy and the more we try to get him in gear the worse it gets.
 
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Tracy
Mom to 3 girly girls,
1 absent-minded professor, and one adorable toddling terrorist.
Pinewood Castle
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 8:31am | IP Logged
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I think the "forgetfulness" is normal, or at least, not behavioral. As a flake who will switch over laundry only to return a couple of hours lately to a dryer that is full of wet laundry, I can relate. It makes me feel stupid. Academics were never a challenge for me, but I know what it feels like to feel like a dunce.
So, in that light, I might try to look at it like you would look at a child who just can't "get" math or struggles to learn to read. It isn't necessarily because they aren't trying hard enough, yk?
On the other hand, my second (only 5) is lazy. He forgets AND he is lazy. His job will be to, say, take the dirty laundry from the bathroom closets to the laundry room. ONLY the laundry that found its way to the basket in the closet is taken. If there is a big pile of dirty laundry IN the bathroom or NEXT TO the basket, tough. Not his job, not his problem Does the bare minimum asked of him.
Drives. me. nuts.
AND, I know some things, he really does forget. And my oldest, who is more responsible than I am at times  , forgets stuff, too. And he's a 7 year old boy, and I think sometimes, it is just not understanding consequences from lack of experience. He will "help" by dumping the dirty towels into the pile of laundry in the laundry room--not realizing that it means tons more work for me not to mention stinky laundry. Just has no idea about what makes stinky laundry, what fixes it, why it matters, etc...
And THAT is all 7 year old boy, imo.
As long as he isn't lying to you (which is a separate issue), I think having a checklist that he must do before eating breakfast is good. Print it out. Laminate it. Make it detailed (put soap in the washer...). This way, you just ask him ONE question. Did you do EVERYTHING on your list??
If not, sorry, no breakfast. It wouldn't take many mornings for my lazy one to miss breakfast before he shaped up, or rather, he would quickly finish everything on his list in order to get to eat breakfast. I'm seriously thinking of adjusting our routine in the mornings. We did have morning chores before breakfast, and it worked well until my husband's work schedule changed and breakfast was moved up a half hour. They dawdle WAY more after breakfast, and I'm thinking I will have to just make them get up earlier so they can get their chores done AND eat breakfast with Dad.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 8:43am | IP Logged
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I know this boy, Tracy... he lives at my house, too. 
He sounds very eight... growing up and able to do so many things, but still needing lots of hand holding and supervision. Sometimes when I get frustrated, I have to remind myself that eight is just eight, after all. I can't judge him by my multi-tasking mom standards. He is not going to do things as well or as consistently as an adult.
Here a few things that really help at my house:
1. School work that is done independently is immediately brought to me when completed. That way I can check his work and know it's getting done each day. He is accountable to me each morning, and he knows that if the work is not done he will not get to watch "Martha Speaks" after lunch. Period.
2. I check his morning chore list every morning. Every morning. Every morning. Yes, it is a pain to have to go into his room every morning to see that his bed is made, but it is not fair to him, at eight, if I take his word for it three days a week and then check on the fourth day and get mad.
3. I only check one thing at a time. I don't say: did you do X, Y and Z?
I say, "Did you empty the trash?". One thing. If he says yes, then I say, "Great. Did you make your bed?". No? Go do that now. Then I check it. Then: Did you bring the laundry down?
I find that my boy does not have a mom mind and can only focus on one task at a time. I have tried chore charts, etc, but what works best for us at this age is for me to give one job at a time, even if there are several he needs to do. Yes, it's frustrating. He has the same chores to do each morning. You'd think he could manage. But he is eight. And he's a boy.
4. "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has been a life saver for me as far as understanding how my boy works.
Some kids have difficulty transitioning from one task to another. Coming downstairs each morning might be a transition that is hard for your son. He might be hanging out on the stairs each morning because he needs some time to transition into the bustle of the day.
Some children are so sensitive to any noises or distractions that they literally don't hear you or are focused on some noise or interesting thing
that you don't even notice. They are not ignoring you. They are processing things differently and need your help to figure out what is the most important at the moment.
Even if you don't think you have a "spirited child", this book is a gold mine
as far as working with different personality types.
No soap? No clean underwear? Pretty typical boy from what everyone tells me. Drives moms crazy but is not fatal... and makes for good stories when they are grown up!
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HSMama
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 9:11am | IP Logged
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Hey this boy lives at my house too! My oldest son always obeyed so it has been quite the challenge living with this just turned 8 year old son who is quite the opposite.
Leaves pile of clothes right next to his laundry basket? CHECK
When cleaning his room it takes hours for him to just stuff all his belongings under his bed and in his closet? CHECK
Needs my constant supervising to accomplish any amount of schoolwork? CHECK
Needs constant reminding to do anything I tell him? CHECK
Oh my, it's hard. Very very hard. Especially when his younger brothers seem to be able to accomplish more than he can imdependently. But he is such a sweet child. Quite a thinker, not a do-er. This is how the Lord made him and we need to give him the tools he needs to get through life. Still figuring that one out, but I have some tricks that have worked to get him a little motivated.
In the morning- NO BREAKFAST until room is tidied (clothes and toys put away, trash picked up and bed made) and dressed. It took weeks for him to get this and many breakfasts that were eaten around lunch time, but he's got it now and it works. I may also add piano practice to that list of things to do before breakfast.
After lunch- sorry, but no outside or play time until lunch time chore are done and a certain amount of schoolwork is done correctly. He loves playtime so this is a big motivator.
We still have a lot of work to do, but these 2 things have made a huge difference in our lives and although they seem small now that I am typing them out, they really are huge!
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JennGM
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 9:17am | IP Logged
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You are describing much of my 8 year old son.
Most of the time he is so easily distracted. I have to make sure he doesn't take his book upstairs when he's supposed to get dressed or clean his room, etc. Otherwise it takes forever, and I have to remind him.
We have consequences, and we do see improvement, but it's something that we have to keep checking and monitoring to make sure the good habit is firmly entrenched.
We're totally a work in progress. Melinda has a good point -- he's only 8. Because he's my oldest, I think I expect more, and I have to remind myself that I need to model, check, and reinforce.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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JennGM
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 9:19am | IP Logged
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I wanted to add that most of the time, my son's mind is not on his work. He's got lots of things on his mind, so that is the main reason he is easily distracted. It doesn't take much.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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TracyFD
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 10:31am | IP Logged
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The one laminated list - I think we will try that idea for sure. Maybe it will be easier for him to have everything in one place rather than an upstairs chart, downstairs chart, and the things he should just know by now.
I am feeling relieved that this is normal 8yo boy behavior after having two fairly responsible girls!
Like your boys, my son he is a sweet boy and a thinker. Loves science, and pretty good at all other subjects when he does them. And wouldn't you know - he came home last night and announced that he was named Choir Boy of the Month. As proud as I am, I am also resisting the temptation to call the director and fill him in on what goes on at home! 
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Tracy
Mom to 3 girly girls,
1 absent-minded professor, and one adorable toddling terrorist.
Pinewood Castle
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MaryM
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 10:48am | IP Logged
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TracyFD wrote:
| ...he came home last night and announced that he was named Choir Boy of the Month. As proud as I am, I am also resisting the temptation to call the director and fill him in on what goes on at home! |
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 - remember that is "Choir" boy of the month, not "Home" boy of the month...   Congrats to him!!!! 
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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TracyFD
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 12:03pm | IP Logged
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Oh, I know! But they also expect the boys to be doing well at school and home. There's a big emphasis on respect and honor with this program - one of the big reasons we signed him up for choir and karate for some ooomph.
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Tracy
Mom to 3 girly girls,
1 absent-minded professor, and one adorable toddling terrorist.
Pinewood Castle
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Nov 11 2011 at 2:55pm | IP Logged
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Sorry, no advice...my own is 11!
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Kathryn in TX
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mamalove
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mines 14! (getting more reliable, but still needs CONSTANT reminders)
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Kristie 4
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| Posted: Nov 16 2011 at 12:09pm | IP Logged
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My 9yob just needs me beside him and much lowered expectations!! We went down to a very simple routine and then are slowly bit by bit adding to it! The kind of - 2 lines of copywork, a page of phonics and a page of math, walk the dog, and wipe the sinks. The kind of thing you can count on your fingers- seems to be helping. This is my third one!!
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Kristie in Canada
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MNMommy
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I have one like this. His memory is the length of a flea. I fail often, but I try to remember that he needs more of me. For whatever reason, he is wired differently and needs a lot more hand-holding. When I provide that hand-holding, he is successful. When I don't, he falls flat.
My little guy doesn't wear underwear, so at least I don't have to worry about finding them in the wrong places.
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Jennifer
Tired mom to - 10yo dd, 7yo ds, 6yo ds, 4yo dd, 2yo ds
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Kristie 4
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| Posted: Nov 16 2011 at 9:11pm | IP Logged
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Another one of those- makes less laundry
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Kristie in Canada
Mom to 3 boys and one spunky princess!!
A Walk in the Woods
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herdingkittens
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| Posted: Nov 17 2011 at 8:23pm | IP Logged
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MNMommy wrote:
My little guy doesn't wear underwear, so at least I don't have to worry about finding them in the wrong places. |
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What a relief! Good to know we are not the only family with boys who prefer to "go commando").
Lot's of good tips here, and commiserating (my oldest boy is 8 and is very dreamy/thoughtful/distractible/etc.)!
Few things that work for us:
-I have them do their habits and they are written down in a list. I ask if his habits are done (instead of "did you brush your teeth? did you make your bed? did you...." - I have done this and it drove me crazy asking each child 8 questions 3 times a day!! plus, I felt like I was nagging. ugh.  ). There is a timer - if he is not done (and I give him ample time because he really needs time to succeed), he finishes during free time and gets an extra job.
-I sit next to him while he does his independent work....most of the time. I cannot always do this, but I try to sit between him and another older one helping, or reading, because my presence helps him focus better. Also, I am right there to give out gentle reminders to "re-focus". If I leave him alone, he gets WAY less done.
-Short seat work time, and LOTS of outdoor time.
Not sure if that helps, but you are not alone, and I hear you - it does get frustrating. My oldest is a girl, too, and I have to constantly remind myself that he is not a slightly younger version of her - he is a boy, and what a blessing he is, daydreams and all...
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AmandaV
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| Posted: Nov 19 2011 at 12:51am | IP Logged
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Listening here.. What a helpful thread! My 7 1/2 year old sounds like a lot of your boys... dreamy, a thinker, and a reader, but forgetful...
Thinking I need to add in some things before breakfast and a laminated list, but what do you do when they wake up starving?
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Amanda
wife since 6/03, Mom to son 7/04, daughter 2/06, twin sons 6/08 and son 7/11, son 1/2014
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MNMommy
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herdingkittens wrote:
| -I have them do their habits and they are written down in a list. I ask if his habits are done (instead of "did you brush your teeth? did you make your bed? did you...." - I have done this and it drove me crazy asking each child 8 questions 3 times a day!! plus, I felt like I was nagging. ugh. ). |
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We have something similar! We call their evening routine their "list." The dc were getting upset about being told to do the same things every night, so we started calling it their list since they do need to be told to get it done. We call their morning must-dos their "morning chores" for the same reason. That's pretty original, isn't it?
They see it as nagging, but I know it is training.
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Jennifer
Tired mom to - 10yo dd, 7yo ds, 6yo ds, 4yo dd, 2yo ds
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TracyFD
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| Posted: Nov 23 2011 at 2:09pm | IP Logged
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I am loving all of these responses! Helps me be more patient knowing that many 8yo boys are the same way.
Having his very own morning and bedtime list is helping - well, all of us! I just had to tell him that he has a lot of freedoms with homeschooling - doing his work standing up, reading upside down, etc. but that I simply have some rules and expectations that will not go away, that I will not give up on, and that he has no choice but to comply. Period. We've been trying harder to HELP him succeed thanks to your advice here. Thank you!
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Tracy
Mom to 3 girly girls,
1 absent-minded professor, and one adorable toddling terrorist.
Pinewood Castle
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CatholicMommy
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We do a list here. Morning (which is longer, includes school time, and no free time until it is done) and the evening one right before bedtime.
One the one hand it is strictly laid out; on the other hand, he still has some choices with it, because it started as a "Montessori work contract" (we started with daily, built to weekly, but he still needs his "procedure" every day into which some choice is injected).
So - school time for example: it lists the subjects, he chooses the work to do (from his weekly contract) and if he wants to go further or just do the minimum.
It is a life saver! And an attitude saver! He knows the expectations, has some choices, and knows when his work is done he has free time (which he usually uses for reading good literature, building with his various building items, art, or more school work).
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stellamaris
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I wish I had some great advice for you...I really do! But, having had 6 boys in our crew, I am at a loss when it comes to coming up with a program that will make boys as attentive to details as girls are. Just doesn't seem to be in them, even when they are trying hard! In fact, one of our decorating schemes around here I have labeled, "EARLY AMERICAN SOCK DECOR".
I think you can visualize that for yourself if you have a boy (or two or three!)
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Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: I am at Wit's End with my 8yo Boy
