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mom2mpr
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My dd was born, I looked into her eyes, and she looked away. A small voice in my head, which I have heard before in my life and it has ALWAYS been right, said,"This one is going to take you for a ride." I was hoping and praying it was wrong this one time.
Anyhow, I am trying (too?) hard to homeschool this child. There are days I think she'd listen better to someone else, be happier, and my life would be easier. I tell her it's time to do math. "NO" I tell her to try to write this thank you note. "No" I am very tired of trying.
Ds was a tad strong willed and difficult but he was an only until he was 5 years old and then we had 2 years of being able to pick dd up and just go. So, I was able to be patient and not go anywhere until x,y, and z were done. I was able to work with him more. Then she got herself "together" and became her own person 
I struggle now because ds is high school age and socially needs his activities so we are on the 'go" a lot. I can't sit and wait for dd to put on her shoes to get him to practice. We have to just throw everything in the car and listen to her scream while we drive the 30 minutes to whatever.
I have reviewed the recent postings about when you give in and give up, I do believe sending her(or him) to school will not change the situation. So, I am looking for help. It;s a girl, they are different, dramatic, emotional, wants to be boss, and for some reason, I could reason with ds at this age and her, I cannot. She sticks her fingers in her ears and walks away. I cannot believe I let this happen but I am at a loss for how to handle it.
So, to sum it up I am looking for input as to how to do school with this kid(she has few interests and get's easily frustrated--and that ain't pretty  ). She is finally reading fairly well but has trouble writing and spelling. I think if I could get her to practice stuff she'd get it. I think she is smart but has a confidence(ds is quite gifted in almost everything he does) issue and some sort of issue with me--but I cannot figure that one out. I need to improve my relationship with her but can't figure out what I am doing wrong-except maybe making her do stuff she doesn't want to. And believe me, I limit what I make her do because it is such a hassle. Sometimes we lovingly call her our "no bird" because no matter what you sat, she'll say no.
Hints, experiences, HELP!!!!?!?!?!! 
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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cathhomeschool
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If you can tough it out a little longer, ds will be able to drive himself to activities and you won't have that struggle. 
Have you tried a co-op? My 10yo really struggled with homeschooling but blossomed in a group environment. We tried to do most of our work through co-ops and independent reading. He did complain about the books I assigned so I tried as much as possible to give him books that he'd enjoy but that would be good quality literature. Also, he has always loved for dh to read to him at night and loves books on tape in the car, so that has been a great way of getting some required reading done. He can handle a "boring" book in the car.
Another idea that worked well for material that wasn't covered in co-op is lapbooks. All of my kids have enjoyed lapbooks but I loved using them even more with this child because he'd do it without complaining. There's something they love about being able to look at your work (and show grandma) and see this scrapbook style folder with flaps and colors and folds. It's more work for me, but definitely worth it!!
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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cathhomeschool
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Meant to add that I'm praying that the Holy Spirit will guide and inspire you. I think a good starting point is to figure out what she enjoys/motivates her. For my son it's a group environment/interacting with other kids, action/adventure, anything his older siblings have done and liked, and wii/xbox.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Oct 06 2011 at 9:36am | IP Logged
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cathhomeschool wrote:
If you can tough it out a little longer, ds will be able to drive himself to activities and you won't have that struggle.
Have you tried a co-op? My 10yo really struggled with homeschooling but blossomed in a group environment. We tried to do most of our work through co-ops and independent reading. He did complain about the books I assigned so I tried as much as possible to give him books that he'd enjoy but that would be good quality literature. Also, he has always loved for dh to read to him at night and loves books on tape in the car, so that has been a great way of getting some required reading done. He can handle a "boring" book in the car |
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Thanks for the suggestion of lapbooks. I'm willing to try 
She LOVED co-op. She loves group's. I just don't have access to a lot of co-op's though. And I need to hold ds's hand here at home and get him ready for high school. So we have pulled in some the past 2 years. We live pretty far "out" and to do co-op took a whole day and the next because we were so tired from it. I have made a commitment to do a field trip or two a month for dd. I just can't commit to the time it would take to help with co-op AND drive AND lose another day(or half of a day) of the week-because I need all the time I can get to help ds.
Two more years til ds can drive
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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JodieLyn
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While I have children that can be very strong willed. They're also easy going so that changing from one thing to the next doesn't upset them.
I know there have been books mentioned about the child that is "more" in many ways.. but it really sounds like it's not just being stubborn but really having difficulties with transitioning.. maybe even to something she likes to do? That it's the whole interuption and frustration and having to change gears that makes it so hard on her. I know there are ways to help the child that finds transitions difficult hopefully someone else might know the books I'm thinking of (and can't recall titles for).
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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guitarnan
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Raising Your Spirited Child might help you understand your daughter's temperament better (for example, there's an aspect of temperament called "negative first reaction" that I did not know about...and I'm definitely "more" of that!). The author, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, has written other books, too, but I'd start with that one.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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mom2mpr
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Thanks, Nancy. Off to see if my library has that. Maybe if I get some "tools" I'll stop taking it all personally 
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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JodieLyn
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yes thank you Nancy.. that was the book I was thinking of.. I've "heard" it recommended so often and just couldn't come up with the name this morning for anything.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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guitarnan
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It's easy to remember the title of the book that saved my sanity!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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jawgee
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guitarnan wrote:
| It's easy to remember the title of the book that saved my sanity! |
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I've read that book several times myself! Definitely a great book.
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Monica
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SeaStar
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Also giving  to that book.
I have no words of advice, just want to say that I totally get what you are saying and that you are not alone. My ds is very much like your dd. When he was not even a day old, a nurse came in from the nursery, gave him to me and said: Good luck with that one. Ah, prophetic words.
My ds is dramatic, easily frustrated, a "negative first reactor" deluxe. My one comfort is that he has been like that since birth. I did not do anything to make him that way. That was God's doing.
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guitarnan
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Another thing to remember, one that Mary Sheedy Kurcinka points out in all of her books, is that some of the temperament aspects we find so frustrating in our children will make them outstanding adults, people who are persistent and stick with tasks until they are finished (there's that transition difficulty!), people who will live by their moral codes in the face of peer pressure (perstistence/stubbornness), people who truly can see the glory of creation (perceptiveness/sensitivity).
We just have to survive their childhoods and find ways to understand them and teach them words and strategies to use when things get frustrating. I know that when I started using positive words to describe my son to family, friends and teachers, I saw their reactions to his behavior change. I know that when I understood that my son was an introvert and I am too (dh is all extrovert, all the time), I was able to restructure our lives so that all three of us could recharge effectively. This helped my marriage immensely! (Stressed-out me - hide in room with book. Stressed-out dh - have a party. It worked!)
Be patient with yourself and your child. All change takes time. Pray, too - I found that turning to the Blessed Mother helped me a great deal as I was learning strategies for coping with my son's intense temperament. Rejoice in progress, no matter how small. And a daughter who knows her mind now, raised in the Faith, will know her mind later and be able to say NO at the right times in her life. This is a good thing.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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MNMommy
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My 7yo has a very difficult time with transitions. Getting him out of the house is particularly difficult. He has sensory issues, and just putting "town clothes" on is a major battle.
I know I need to minimize his transitions, and I need to give him tools to deal with necessary transitions. To that end, I am frequently notifying the dc of our schedule. Every night I run through a detailed schedule of what will happen the next day, and I repeat it all first thing the next morning. Then I continue to give updates on where we are in the schedule throughout the day. I watch my 7yo to make sure I don't let him get engrossed in something that he will have a difficult time transitioning from. I pick a time during the day when he is at a natural transition point to pull him away for his schooling, and then he has very short, efficient lessons.
This dc also has a very strong need to spend more time at home than most people. We strive very hard to balance this very real need of his with the needs of the rest of the family. He almost never goes on errands with us, and I don't drag him to activities unless I really have to. I hope he doesn't sound like a hermit, because he certainly isn't. But, I am running someone somewhere nearly every day and that's just too much for him. I treat his need to stay home as important as the others' needs to get out. It's a difficult balancing act.
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Jennifer
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Maureen
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I can't offer much personal help, yet. My strong-willed child is only four. However, I did see this book on Amazon which might be helpful: You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded): Strategies for Bring Out the Best in Your Strong-Willed Child Several years ago I heard the author speak on a Focus on the Family program.
Of course prayer is first. A priest told me once that we should say something to the effect of, "God you gave them to me, now I need You to help me parent them." 
God Bless,
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Maureen, mom to 8 treasures
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guitarnan
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Oh, Maureen, you're so right! I was doing that (praying) when my ds was 4, and was inspired to take a wonderful child development class at our community college, which helped me understand what positive discipline is and how it works...and right after the class started I found an online article by a wonderful mom who mentioned Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's work. Her story was mine. It was amazing. (I even met this lovely mom in real life, a couple of years later!) Once you have knowledge, tools and lots of prayer on your side, things really do get easier.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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mom2mpr
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Thank you all. Really. I am getting the books out of the library and your supportive words help!
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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SeaStar
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Bumping this up- this thread has inspired me to go back and reread Raising Your Spirited Child. What a huge help it is again after a couple of years.
My ds is as intense, persistent and sensitive as ever... and it is so nice to be reading again how some kids are just born that way, plus reviewing all the things I can be doing to help both him and myself cope.
It has also helped me realize that parents who do not have spirited or even spunky children have no idea what the rest of us are up against
They are never going to understand and will probably judge us and our children. It is something to offer up.
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JodieLyn
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SeaStar wrote:
It has also helped me realize that parents who do not have spirited or even spunky children have no idea what the rest of us are up against
They are never going to understand and will probably judge us and our children. It is something to offer up.
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It's always hard to imagine what it's like in someone else's shoes. I always get comments on how nice my children are so easy.. ummm they're easy going and I worked hard to make it possible to take my children places by myself.. but they're not "easy". They just show well in public
It's like the time someone told me how nice that my 4 young, not yet compentent swimmer children aren't scared of the water.. I looked at them.. and said that's right.. they're not scared of the water.. at all... and then they caught on.. 4 small children, one me.. and not one of them even exhibited caution around the water. It might look easy from one perspective but from another not so much.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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guitarnan
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Melinda, you're so right. We can all benefit from going back to the basics once in a while, and it is okay if other family members, friends, etc. don't get what we are going through. We have words to help them understand our experiences and we know we're doing our best.
My "spirited child" is now getting ready to leave the teen years behind. He is still persistent, sensitive, mega-intense and much MORE than the average person. He is all black/white; there is no grey area for him. We talk through world history examples regularly (today it was the IRA) and I try to help him see both sides of a conflict, because his black/white up/down temperament doesn't go there automatically. Happily, it is working. In subjects like history and sociology, he gets A's, even when he disagrees philosophically with his professors. Progress!
Now someone needs to teach his mom how to deal with her off-the-scale Negative First Reaction temperament!
(Just kidding. Thanks to RYSC, I know I have this trait, in spades, shovels and backhoes, and I have learned to say, "I need time to think about this," instead of, "NO!!!!!" What a lifesaver...to know that I say NO from instinct but might just need more time to think things through!)
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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mom2mpr
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I so needed to hear these comments about others not knowing what we are going through. My kids also are great when out, but home, whoooeeeee....
I also struggle with the fact that just taking care of things at home(with a diffcult child you are not as efficient in your home jobs)is about all I can handle(and no, my house is not pristine clean ) and sometimes I feel others think that because I only have 2 kids I can do more for the homeschool group, come to their co-op, etc. Just getting bills paid, people fed and in clean clothes, dishes done and bathrooms de-germed, keeps me VERY busy.
Enough of my rant. It is good to hear I am not alone.
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Homeschooling the difficult
