Oh, Dearest Mother, Sweetest Virgin of Altagracia, our Patroness. You are our Advocate and to you we recommend our needs. You are our Teacher and like disciples we come to learn from the example of your holy life. You are our Mother, and like children, we come to offer you all of the love of our hearts. Receive, dearest Mother, our offerings and listen attentively to our supplications. Amen.



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Subject Topic: 3 yr old: "Why did God make me this way?" Post ReplyPost New Topic
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Kathryn
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Posted: June 23 2011 at 10:15pm | IP Logged Quote Kathryn

Soo, when a child has an obvious physical difference, how do you answer something like that? We usu. focus on all we're thankful for and everything she does have but my heart has never been reconciled to the fact that God MADE my daughter with this disability. That he would intentionally inflict future pain (with the future surgeries) on the most innocent is something I have never come to grips with. Soo, when she asks the question for the first time yesterday, I said "God made you special"...but not with much conviction as the lumped formed in my throat. Don't you think sometimes in this dark world, bad things just happen even if He knew and yet allowed it to happen? I think I can more understand that. Is my thinking all warped? I know we all have crosses to bear and this may be hers but I would like other's thoughts as I'm sure some here with greater spiritual awareness can offer more clarity.

Thanks,

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Posted: June 23 2011 at 10:47pm | IP Logged Quote guitarnan

I think it's okay to say something like, "We don't know, but we know God has a plan for our family and for your life."

Sometimes we don't discover the greater good for many, many years.

I read a newspaper article today about a young lady with Down Syndrome in my community. She will be the first female kayaker, ever, to represent the USA in the Special Olympics in Athens. All her teammates are male. She is 20. I'm sure she spent quite a few years wondering why she was born with Down Syndrome (my disabled aunt, with CP and developmental disabilities, still wonders, and she's in her 60's). But, suddenly, she's an inspiration to many other people! Her twin brothers (younger) plan to study disability-related fields in college next fall, too. Her life, while difficult, has already inspired so many other people to do great things.

If you have time, may I suggest that you read (or re-read) The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom? The theme of the book is, "Jesus can turn loss into glory," and I am continuously inspired by this book. No life is wasted; no situation is too dire for Our Lord.

Your 3-year-old is way too young to understand philosophical explanations, I know. But...she can understand that she is surrounded with love and that God's love for her is even more genuine and wonderful than the love all of you give to her each day. With my aunt, our job is to love her and help her live a happy life, one in which she knows she is loved and treasured. There have been very difficult moments, but overall I think my parents and my other aunts, uncles and cousins have met those goals. The "Why?" question is hard for my aunt, but we all know that she is a blessing to us...we love her as she is and we treasure her talents and her failings. The world will be much emptier when my aunt Louann goes home to Jesus.

God did make your daughter special. He gave her caring parents and siblings to help her through the difficult times. (Just think of all the love she gives to you, and the love and care you give her in return!) She won't always know what God's plan will inspire. But...she will always know love, from all of you and from the people you introduce to her, and the love part will help to carry her through the difficult parts.

Just remember...you don't know, she doesn't know, none of us knows how we will affect the people we meet on our path toward Heaven. She's amazingly perceptive (to ask this at age 3!!!), and that talent will help her later on. In the meantime, might I suggest reminding her of God's love for all, perhaps through the beautiful poetry of the Psalms, and, at developmentally appropriate times, reading stories of the saints and of other people who've accepted their situations in life?

Your dd is so wise at such a young age. You are both in my prayers.

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Posted: June 23 2011 at 11:22pm | IP Logged Quote JodieLyn

I may be wrong and have limited time to hunt it up right now.. but I'm thinking that the idea that God specifically WILLS all things is wrong. That rather He allows things, knows about them.. but that they happen because of sin in the world.. we weren't created as beings that play out some sort of complicated puppet show only doing things because God directly wills us to do them.. But rather we are given freedom.. and our choices.. and others choices.. do influence our lives.. and God allows that.

But God will also use ALL things.. even those bad choices, those evil things in the world for our good.

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Posted: June 24 2011 at 6:26am | IP Logged Quote SeaStar

Any time a child is hurting, it seems like the parent's pain is quadruple that.

I don't understand why things like this happen. God's ways are different than our ways. But in my own life, with my own dd, I have often pondered and wondered over how all the worry and sadness has changed *me*.

I am so imperfect- but on the inside. Perhaps it was part of His plan all along to allow this in order to bring all of us closer to Him.

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Posted: June 24 2011 at 10:16am | IP Logged Quote kristinannie

Please read Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence. This is an excellent (and small) book. The author surmises that God not only allows bad things to happen, but participates in them (not the sinful part if sin is a cause) for our sanctification. God sets things up in life to lead us to sanctification. It is REALLY hard to understand at the time how this is going to help you get into Heaven, but things almost always become clear later.

My mom and I had a terrible relationship when I was growing up. In fact, I considered seriously cutting her out of my life. Then two things happened. First, I was the victim of a violent crime. Second, my mom got rheumatoid arthritis. Now, I would not wish either of those things on anyone. However, through these crosses and the grace of God, we are closer than ever. I have also learned lessons of forgiveness and have had healing in my heart that has changed my entire life. Honestly, in the state I was in (due to the emotional abuse), I never would have been able to go to Heaven and that really is our ultimate goal.

I don't mean to hijack your thread. I just wanted to tell you that everything has a reason. This disability will be the thing that could bring your entire family to Heaven. I know those concepts are impossible to explain to a 3 year old, but you can explain that God does everything for a reason and everything works for good in one's life.

I watched a show this morning on EWTN about suffering and the priest said to pray for "patience, grace and vision (for God to reveal to you the reason for the suffering)" whenever you are suffering. I will pray that God will grant these things to you and will allow your sweet daughter to rest in his arms whenever she feels like things are too hard for her to handle. God bless you.

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Posted: June 24 2011 at 12:34pm | IP Logged Quote cathhomeschool

I have to agree with what kristinannie says. It has been a hard concept for me to wrap my brain around, but it is so true and I have seen it in my life as well. The terrible things that have happened that I would not wish on anyone and for a long time I wished would not have happened are the very things that are drawing me toward heaven. Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence is an *excellent* book!

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Posted: June 24 2011 at 12:44pm | IP Logged Quote stellamaris

kristinannie wrote:
Please read Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence. This is an excellent (and small) book.


Yes, this is a very helpful little book. I do want to clarify that God does not ever will sin and suffering for its own sake. When He permits it in His sovereign goodness, it is for some greater good. Just as a dentist doesn't pull teeth out to cause suffering, but to treat deadly infections, so God uses suffering for our sanctification. He never wills the sin that causes suffering, nor is suffering a part of His original design. It is a direct result of the fallen nature of our world.

One book that has helped my son is The Crippled Lamb by Max Lucado. This lovely Christmas tale tells of a little lamb who is lame. The lamb asks his friend the cow, "Why did God make me this way?" He is left behind in the barn when the shepherd takes all of the rest of the flock to graze on the hillside. As a result, he is the first to see the baby Jesus and to help Him by providing warmth to Him in the cold barn. Then the lamb understands that God did have a purpose in allowing him to be born with his lameness.

You might want to read it to yourself a few times first, since I couldn't quite making it to the end without crying , but my son was very absorbed in the story and I think it did help him begin to understand a little bit more about how God always brings good out of suffering.

As far as God willing suffering, the Catechism states:

Catechism of the Catholic Church wrote:
385 God is infinitely good and all his works are good. Yet no one can escape the experience of suffering or the evils in nature which seem to be linked to the limitations proper to creatures: and above all to the question of moral evil. Where does evil come from? "I sought whence evil comes and there was no solution", said St. Augustine,257 and his own painful quest would only be resolved by his conversion to the living God. For "the mystery of lawlessness" is clarified only in the light of the "mystery of our religion".258 The revelation of divine love in Christ manifested at the same time the extent of evil and the superabundance of grace.259 We must therefore approach the question of the origin of evil by fixing the eyes of our faith on him who alone is its conqueror.260


This clearly states that God CANNOT WILL EVIL. Our experiences of suffering are not willed by God, but are the consequences of the Fall, of mankind abusing his gift of free will to turn away from God. We all suffer these consequences, and as we think about the gravity of these sufferings in our lives, the lives of our children and loved ones, and the lives of all the people of the world, we begin to see sin as the horrible evil it truly is.

God permits free will. We choose to use that freedom to honor God or to deny Him. Whichever we choose, God still is SOVEREIGN:

CCC wrote:
303 The witness of Scripture is unanimous that the solicitude of divine providence is concrete and immediate; God cares for all, from the least things to the great events of the world and its history. The sacred books powerfully affirm God's absolute sovereignty over the course of events: "Our God is in the heavens; he does whatever he pleases."162 And so it is with Christ, "who opens and no one shall shut, who shuts and no one opens".163 As the book of Proverbs states: "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will be established."164


God's Will WILL BE ACCOMPLISHED, in spite of man's failings and sinfulness. Out of suffering and evil, He triumphs by bringing forth His good, perfect, holy, and acceptable Will. He never allows a suffering that will not ultimately produce a greater good, because He is GOOD.

Our children's disabilities are a great cross to bear, for them and for us as well. But from this cross will coming great glory, blessing, and eternal good. Our task is to keep our eyes fixed on Christ and trust in Him.

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Posted: June 24 2011 at 12:52pm | IP Logged Quote JodieLyn

Thank you Caroline.. I also found this part about creation

CCC wrote:
310 But why did God not create a world so perfect that no evil could exist in it? With infinite power God could always create something better.174 But with infinite wisdom and goodness God freely willed to create a world "in a state of journeying" towards its ultimate perfection. In God's plan this process of becoming involves the appearance of certain beings and the disappearance of others, the existence of the more perfect alongside the less perfect, both constructive and destructive forces of nature. With physical good there exists also physical evil as long as creation has not reached perfection.175

311 Angels and men, as intelligent and free creatures, have to journey toward their ultimate destinies by their free choice and preferential love. They can therefore go astray. Indeed, they have sinned. Thus has moral evil, incommensurably more harmful than physical evil, entered the world. God is in no way, directly or indirectly, the cause of moral evil.176 He permits it, however, because he respects the freedom of his creatures and, mysteriously, knows how to derive good from it:

For almighty God. . ., because he is supremely good, would never allow any evil whatsoever to exist in his works if he were not so all-powerful and good as to cause good to emerge from evil itself.177



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Posted: June 25 2011 at 9:17am | IP Logged Quote dolorsofmary

All I can offer is prayer.   
the one part in the last response on God will never allow evil to exist in His work is confusing to me. I suppose it means that He does not make anything evil even though an angel or human can choose evil and so therefore evil can effect others like a drop of water creating a ripple in a body of water.
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Posted: June 25 2011 at 10:18am | IP Logged Quote stellamaris

dolorsofmary wrote:
All I can offer is prayer.   
the one part in the last response on God will never allow evil to exist in His work is confusing to me. I suppose it means that He does not make anything evil even though an angel or human can choose evil and so therefore evil can effect others like a drop of water creating a ripple in a body of water.


I hope I can make this clearer. God does not will evil- that is to say, He can not create evil nor does He cause evil to come into being. He does permit evil to exist at this time in the world, but only so that He might ultimately bring out of it good, especially the salvation of souls. A perfect illustration of this is the Cross. God permitted the crucifixion not because He wanted or willed His Son to be killed, but in order that salvation for many would be possible. From that evil (man killing and rejecting God) came forth our redemption. God is allowing human free will to operate in this world and the misuse of that freedom is the source of our current evil and suffering. God permits this to continue (think about the parable of the weeds and the wheat) only for a greater good. If He were to end the world today and judge all evil, many souls would be eternally lost.

Offering our sufferings and sorrows to God and uniting them to His own Passion, we begin to understand and are able to participate in the sorrow of God over this fallen world as well as His marvelous plan for healing and redemption.

Just to add this,,,even Christ cried when He stood before Lazarus's tomb. Our sorrows are truly sorrows and we are right to grieve them even as we offer them to God, trusting in His divine plan and goodness.

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Posted: June 25 2011 at 12:09pm | IP Logged Quote kristinannie

I can't remember where I heard this, but I think it might have been at the IHM conference and I am pretty sure this was an argument Einstein made to a professor. There was an argument that God made evil so he can't be God (because God is good). However, it was explained that God made light, but that there is darkness. The darkness is an absence of light (you can't measure darkness, you can only measure the amount of light). God made warmth, but there is cold. Cold is an absence of warmth (you can't measure cold, you can only measure how much warmth is there). God made love and evil is an absence of love. God made us to love, but we can choose NOT to love and therefore become evil. Evil is not something that was ever created, but only something that comes when you are not allowing love to come from you. I hope I didn't completely butcher that and that it makes sense!!!!!!!

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Posted: June 25 2011 at 1:42pm | IP Logged Quote stellamaris

I like the light/dark explanation, kristinannie.

It is important to remember that the suffering/evil in our lives is not always the result of our own personal sins, but of the sinful state of the world. It is the unfolding of the consequences of original sin.

For us who have children who are in some way disabled, I think we need to be careful not to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves and feeling that God is punishing us or our children. The world is broken; that brokenness affects all of us. God is greater than the brokenness of the world and through the dark and winding paths of brokenness will certainly bring us to glory and joy if we trust in Him. It may not all be right in this world, but it will be right in the everlasting Kingdom.

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Posted: June 25 2011 at 2:29pm | IP Logged Quote Kathryn

stellamaris wrote:
   God does not will evil- that is to say, He can not create evil nor does He cause evil to come into being. He does permit evil to exist at this time in the world, but only so that He might ultimately bring out of it good, especially the salvation of souls.


I think this one still throws me a little bit and may be it's in the semantics or my entire interpretation but saying God does permit evil is allowing us our free will (from the fall of man with Adam & Eve, right?). So, may be this is where I'm splitting hairs but then saying "he PERMITS it so that He might ultimately bring good" still sounds like he is willing us to suffer. I guess my thought is still that bad things happen in this world but God can USE that to still ultimately bring us closer to Him but not that he ever wishes it, allows it, permits it, makes it etc. on us. ?!

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Posted: June 25 2011 at 2:40pm | IP Logged Quote Kathryn

Lots of great info/resources. Thanks for all your replies. I do think the "why" of some things will never be answered this side of Heaven. I'm not sure I really wish to dwell on the why. We focus instead on all we are thankful for and all the blessings we have. I think out of that came the natural, "why is this leg different, why did God make me this way?" question.

I just don't feel comfortable saying "God made you that way or God made you extra special." The last almost implies that my other 2 daughters w/o any issues aren't as "special". In fact, my 12 yr old who was 8 1/2 when she was born said (after one of my woe is me crying spells), "She just wouldn't be Jenna any other way". Her middle name is Grace and I do believe God did give her some extra special graces (since I know all good comes from Him) in her personality that are already evident to help her with this in life.

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Posted: June 28 2011 at 8:20am | IP Logged Quote 4 lads mom

Oh Kathryn...I so get this.....I don’t post that often due to being so, so busy, but I had to pop in and give you a and tell you I am often at a loss with this one as well. God has peeled back the veil a few times and let us see the fruit of our sufferings.....it has been dramatic at times, but easily forgotten in our all too human ways and responses to sufferings. It is so hard to discuss this with kids......I like to talk about the “mystery” of it all, because it truly is a mystery, and kids like to ponder mysteries....the mysteries of our Faith.

I am not doing a very good job at this, in a hurry as usual, but know you have a sister out there who has looked into the eyes of her special needs kids who look different to the rest of the world.....and I see Christ ministering to me and to that same world.



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Posted: June 28 2011 at 4:39pm | IP Logged Quote 10 Bright Stars

I don't know if my daughter(3)counts as special needs because she was not born with a deformity, but has one now as a result of an accident in our yard. Her poor big toe was completely lost due to being crushed beyond repair. (I always thought that things could be fixed like this when kids were little, but apparantly, when the little blood vessels are damaged or lose blood supply, they are so small, like hairs on the head, that there is no reattaching them even though the toe had not come off during the accident, it had to be taken off due to loss of blood supply. We were so devastated, and really, have to deal with our sorrow about it every single day.

I too have not known how to "deal with it" as far as how she deals with it. When she asked me where her toe was, I didn't want to tell her where her toe really was (at the hospital etc...) so I told her that Jesus had her toe in heaven, and one day, when she was probably very old and went to heaven, Jesus would say, "Hi Gabbi! I am so glad to see you! I have been taking good care of your toe for you!" and then Jesus will fix your toe and make it all better. I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing by saying this, but apparantly, she is pretty ticked off at Jesus for "taking her toe" and keeps telling me (now and again, not every week or anything) to tell Jesus to give her her toe back!! I never thought she would have that reaction, and it saddens me that I may have inadvertantly messed up her relationship with Jesus when I was in fact thinking I would bring her comfort! I even bought her a large plaque that says "Jesus loves me!" and put it right over her bed. So far, miraculously, she appears to have no gait issues as a result of the accident, but she doesn't like that her feet "don't match", and I wonder what will happen as she gets heavier. So many things to break my heart and to worry about for her. Even things that haven't happened such as, "Will she be clumsy as a result later in life and fall or hurt herself?" I am mainly concerned with her spiritual perception of her disability but did wonder if people would treat her differently or if she would be very self-conscience about it. I just offer up my continual suffering about it for her so that somehow it will all be turned to good for her. I just thank God for every moment with her because the accident had the potential to be much, much worse!

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Posted: June 28 2011 at 7:00pm | IP Logged Quote amarytbc

I don't know what way God made your dd different, I have trouble keeping up with the board, but two thoughts come to mind. I've found it best to always respond to questions like that with a question of my own (even if I know exactly what they mean) so that they have to clarify what they are thinking. After asking "What way?" and getting a specific answer, it's probably best to tell her to ask God that question and help her say a little prayer. Tell her she may need to be patient waiting for an answer, but that she will get one. You will to {{}} This takes out the sympathy factor and puts her directly in communication with God who ultimately will reveal his plan to her.
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Posted: June 29 2011 at 6:46pm | IP Logged Quote Kathryn

amarytbc wrote:
I've found it best to always respond to questions like that with a question of my own (even if I know exactly what they mean) so that they have to clarify what they are thinking.    


Funny you mention that as I think about that in regards to other things b/c I *know* children think of things are such a different level as we do. I'll remember that.

amarytbc wrote:
After asking "What way?" and getting a specific answer, it's probably best to tell her to ask God that question and help her say a little prayer. Tell her she may need to be patient waiting for an answer, but that she will get one. You will to {{}} This takes out the sympathy factor and puts her directly in communication with God who ultimately will reveal his plan to her.


what a wonderful idea!!

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Posted: June 29 2011 at 6:47pm | IP Logged Quote Kathryn

4 lads mom wrote:
I like to talk about the “mystery” of it all, because it truly is a mystery, and kids like to ponder mysteries....the mysteries of our Faith.



I think that's true. It really is a mystery, isn't it?

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Posted: June 29 2011 at 7:55pm | IP Logged Quote kristinannie

Kathryn, sorry this all turned into a theological discussion when all you wanted was some practical advice!!!      I agree that you shouldn't say she is "special." All of us our special. Honestly, God made us all in his image. Even if our bodies aren't perfectly formed, all that matters is that we can dedicate our lives to God and to love God and our neighbors. Some of the most physically perfect people on the outside are some of the nastiest people on the inside. Life might not always be easy for your DD, but I think you are right that God has given her extra grace. That extra grace is truly a gift. I will send some prayers your way.   

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