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MamaFence
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| Posted: May 31 2011 at 8:44pm | IP Logged
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To put a long story somewhat short, DH and I haven't had any huge parenting or discipline struggles, though we have often disagreed about whether I am too gentle, and he is too harsh. Specifically, on matters like spanking or CIO at bedtime. Overall, he has let me "be in charge" because I am with the children most often.
Today, we hit a hard place. We can not go on in our marriage or parenting without being completely united in discipline from here on out.
I brought home several books from the library for us to gather ideas from together. I am hoping that we will read them together (or skim them and point things out to each other) and find a common ideal, philosophy, goal, approach. Does anyone have any other ideas on how we can come to unity about discipline? I think this is going to be huge for us as a homeschooling family, but also just as a Catholic family in general. Our vocation is to love and raise these children of ours, guiding their steps so they'll hopefully be in heaven one day. We need help being united in our approach in this. I think DH needs prayers to even realize it. 
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Gina, mother to 4
DD 7yr (11.04)
DD 5yr (6.06)
DS 3yr (6.08)
DS 2yr (11.09)
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jawgee
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| Posted: May 31 2011 at 9:14pm | IP Logged
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Praying for you, Gina. It seems like such a common issue in marriage.
Do you and your DH pray together? That seems like an issue that should be in your daily prayers.
I don't know about your DH, but to get mine to read a parenting book would be pretty difficult. Might I suggest that you buy the book Parenting with Grace by Greg and Lisa Popcak and then download this MP3 for your DH to listen to? The MP3 is a much shorter version of the book, but it is full of great insight. I know that with my DH, he is much more likely to listen to a book than to actually sit and read one, so this could be a start in finding some balance between your styles.
I absolutely love this book, and I thought the CD was a great companion to it.
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
The Catholic Cup on Facebook
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kristinannie
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| Posted: May 31 2011 at 9:32pm | IP Logged
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This is a problem that we have in our marriage as well. I think that if parents aren't on the same page, things do not run smoothly. I saw John Rosemond at a HS convention. He changed my life. I only wish DH had seen him as well. I haven't read any of his books, but I highly recommend his way of thinking. His most famous book is The Well Behaved Child. I have been meaning to buy it! I will definitely pray for you and your husband as you try to work this out.
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Katherine Elizabeth 8 months
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MamaFence
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| Posted: June 01 2011 at 8:59am | IP Logged
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Thank you! I just placed an Amazon order with Parenting with Grace, and other books. Right now I'm in a tough spot, needing to talk with him, but I don't know what to say. I stood up to him yesterday in the midst of a poor discipline moment, in front of the children. We had always agreed not to disagree in front of our children, but this was something I could absolutely not tolerate in our home. In some ways I feel like I should apologize, but on the other hand, I don't really know if what I did warrants an apology. "I'm sorry for offending you yesterday, but I don't regret what I did" is what it would seem like, even if I just said "I'm sorry". He is not talking to me, other than the absolutely necessary words. This is no way to keep living together, you know? We need to work it out. Last night when I mentioned that I wanted to browse the books together and come up with a united approach, he barely responded.
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Gina, mother to 4
DD 7yr (11.04)
DD 5yr (6.06)
DS 3yr (6.08)
DS 2yr (11.09)
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Grace&Chaos
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| Posted: June 01 2011 at 9:25am | IP Logged
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This is hard. Praying for you both  .
I think Monica might be right, your dh might not go for the idea of reading something together. But what I have always found works when I'm trying to get my dh to respond to a book is that I'll take the initiative to read and pass along the information. This of course I do in the form of conversation and then I'll ask his opinion. Before we know it we are both engaged in some pretty good discussions about parenting, hs, etc... I'll even end reading particular quotes in the book if he seems responsive.
I think this might take him off the defensive and feel like his authority isn't being challenged, especially in front of the children. Do the research yourself and at a moment of peace or casualness bring up the topic again (in private of course).
I think for any of us our hurt egos can sometimes be stronger than our logic. It might be possible that you are both passionate maybe not about the issue but the way it's being approached especially if you've never really discussed it. All of a sudden you both might be feeling hurt that you don't agree or just feel attacked for the way you have been doing things. Who knows you might discover you both feel pretty similar about discipline than you realized.
These are just some observations from the many disagreements we have encountered. Your faith can always find a way to make it work. Trust in the Lord. 
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Blessings,
Jenny
Mom to dds(00,03) and dss(05,06,08,09)
Grace in Loving Chaos
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MamaFence
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| Posted: June 01 2011 at 9:52am | IP Logged
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Thank you, Jenny. Maybe I do owe him an apology for responding in front of the children (though I still think I needed to stick up for our daughter.) It's so tough! Frequent apologies can't hurt, right? I just don't want to be a doormat by apologizing all the time, you know? That could be a whole different topic, I guess.
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Gina, mother to 4
DD 7yr (11.04)
DD 5yr (6.06)
DS 3yr (6.08)
DS 2yr (11.09)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Finding unity in discipline, as parents
