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glinNC
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| Posted: April 06 2011 at 7:57pm | IP Logged
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Do any of you have any advice/experience with a young child (age 9) who "snaps" when getting upset/angry. This child will yell mean things at siblings, storm off into room and destroy things, or talk back to me.
I want to nip this in the bud before it grows into a bigger problem. I've tried consequences/privileges, but that's all outward. I want to try to help child learn to control self (inside) for the sake of righteousness. We pray about it, have used Bible verses (Proverbs 21:23) as a memory verse as a reminder of the blessings associated with making the good choice to control self. Child has expressed remorse and apologized on own afterwards, but not always. Any tips/suggestions would be helpful. Thanks in advance!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 06 2011 at 8:28pm | IP Logged
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well I don't allow the storming off into another room etc.
I usually have them stand at a wall near to where I am. I found that dealing with something like this took constant correction, reminding the child that he/she is in charge of how they react and other do not "make you" act that way.
It was up to the child to control themselves.
But I helped them by keeping them near and correcting as necessary so that they weren't getting into a poor pattern. AND this wasn't punative.. they didn't have to stand at the wall for any certain time beyond when they got control of themselves. If they claimed they were under control and seemed to have control and so got to leave the wall and they lost it immediately I'd bring them right back to the wall.
If they went off into their room or somewhere.. they tended to talk themselves into being the victim. And how they were right and the whole world was wrong and being mean to them etc etc and so forth 
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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knowloveserve
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| Posted: April 06 2011 at 10:17pm | IP Logged
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I hate to say it but we've too much experience with this.
And we've realized how much of it has been modeled by us... 
Many years of remedial parenting needing to happen now...
When he turns it up... we have to consciously turn it down. (volume)
We have to be the models of good behavior, controlled tempers, soft tones, patience... it's tough.
It's helped to tell him how any man can get angry but real men know how to control their anger... that is what real strength is.
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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atara
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| Posted: April 07 2011 at 3:42am | IP Logged
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I would work on this in a time of non-conflict. It is something to pray with him at night when he is calm, something to sit and talk about with Mom & Dad alone and without other siblings. I think the more you can give him one-on-one time with you the more he can learn to communicate what is really bothering him.
When I was that age, my parents were divorced and we were so broke. Every single night was black-eyed peas and rice. One night I was so sick of it and I pitched a fit. My Mom told me to go to my room without supper. Now, she was right to do so because I was being ungrateful and rude. I went to my room, threw things everywhere and broke records. However, I wish she would have taken time the next day or later that night to talk to me about what was REALLY going on. I really needed a shoulder to cry on but all she saw was a kid being a brat.
My advice: Take time one-on-one!!! Connect with the child emotionally. One of my friends gives their kids one-on-one time after supper with either Mom, Dad, or both. She said it has been AMAZING what they will share & ask. Even though they home school all day and are together, one-on-one is different.
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kristacecilia
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| Posted: April 07 2011 at 7:54am | IP Logged
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We have this issue, too, and it extends to him often reacting violently towards his younger siblings. 
Yes, a lot of it has been modeled by us and we have taken great pains to correct our own behavior/reactions. We have done the one on one time, too, and made more of an effort to sit with him in our lap, hug him more, tell him we love him more- it was easy to relegate him to 'helper' because he is the oldest, and we were overlooking the fact that he is still just a little kid himself.
It's helped, but it's still a work in progress.
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Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
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Kathryn
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| Posted: April 09 2011 at 12:02am | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
If they went off into their room or somewhere.. they tended to talk themselves into being the victim. And how they were right and the whole world was wrong and being mean to them etc etc and so forth
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YES! I found this true as well!
I'll also chime in and say my DS models too much from me in that, ummm...passionate personality department too!
But, even if that is simply your child's personality and he's not modeling others, what I try to do is have the child get a "do-over, try again, let's practice that". For example, at that moment, I make the child come back and try again...up to may be 3 times to get the correct tone, words, facial expressions, attitude. After that, it's usu. at least mostly sufficient to be considered ok and I say "that's better". Again, I have to make sure my tone, words and attitude are helpful and encouraging in that moment when things can get heated.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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glinNC
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| Posted: April 09 2011 at 10:40am | IP Logged
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Thank you for sharing, everyone. I tried the standing at the wall near me this week, and that *IS* much better than sending the child off to bedroom to be alone. (Frustration is taken out in the room, too, I've since learned when finding things off walls or wrinkled up.  )
I, too, have tried "do-overs" and that does make them think about what they have done. I am trying really hard to get to the "heart" of the matter. We will try some one-on-one, too, to see if that enlightens us.
I have noticed that when the kids are playing, this particular child wants to win all the time and starts making up rules as they go along, which tends to cause some of the troubles. Child gets defensive and mean when being called on the trickery.
I, too, am trying to set a good example in speech (especially when frustrated with their behavior). It sure is hard when you tell them the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and .... I'm sure you know what I mean! 
We're off to Confession today ... relying on the graces to help us, too! Thanks!
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thesavvymama
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| Posted: May 11 2011 at 11:41am | IP Logged
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JodieLyn,
I have a 12 yr old daughter I am going through this sort of behavior with and I do believe your post offered the best advice ever offered in the matter! To think such a simple difference like not letting her stomp off and keeping her near instead of sending her away (to bedroom) could very well make all the difference. Everything I've read on the topic has suggested sending the child into another room away from parent, but this makes perfect sense & I'm eager to try it.
I know this advice wasn't for me, but I want to thank you anyway because you've helped me too! :)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How to teach a child to control temper
