| Author | |
KauaiCatholic
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 25 2009
Location: Hawaii
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 535
|
| Posted: Jan 03 2011 at 6:26pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I know I've seen discussions on here about some of this before but I have only a little bit of computer time today ... please bear with me.
OK, here's the story: my parents are here for a monthlong visit. they recently saw my nephew and his live-in boyfriend  and my mother has been talking about them ... a LOT. (I should add that my folks are very active Catholics but my father is so distressed by the whole situation that he never brings it up.)
anyway, my mother and I have a somewhat precarious relationship, so I had refrained from saying anything she would take as criticism, especially since she was using gender-neutral terms like "friend." but last night she talked about his "boyfriend" in very descriptive terms ... and my DS's eyes got huge. 
I obviously need to address this with him, but don't want to make things worse or too big of a big deal about it. any tips? he just turned 9. we've covered basic biology but not homosexuality. I knew we needed to someday but frankly hadn't given it a lot of thought; my nephew lives several thousand miles away and my kids barely remember him.
OK, that was my first question, and I was just going to browse the archives here for suggestions. but then something else happened. after praying for guidance, I got my mother alone this morning and (calmly  ) asked her to be careful of how she speaks about this; I explained how we hadn't addressed this yet, etc. at first she was defensive and offended but she seemed to agree.
but then, not half an hour later, she started talking to DD about the town in Oregon "where YOU were conceived!"  (picture a 5yo's blank stare here as my head explodes.) am I just being sensitive, because of the earlier issue? is that really an OK thing to say to a little girl?
I immediately jumped in and asked her to stop; she looked REALLY offended at this and has been giving me the silent treatment since. (although I am at work now so I guess we both have a few hours to calm down.)
as I type this my heart is pounding and I realize maybe I should have posted on the prayers board. 
so. I guess I am here saying HELP!!! any ideas? am I out of line? anybody been here before? or have any tips for not smothering your beloved mother when the urge strikes? 
sorry if this is disjointed ...
__________________
 Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: Jan 03 2011 at 7:05pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Viviane, Often times we are more sensitive or "in tune" to what should or should not be said around our children because we're the parents. We're "on the job" all the time. I find with my MIL and my father that sometimes they need reminders that something isn't appropriate around our children. They are a bit out of practice.
Often times I have to make motions or say something to change the subject. You could do it gently, like "Little pitchers have big ears" like Ma Ingalls or just swing the topic to something else.
And later, I would just pull your mother aside when the children aren't around and explain that we don't talk about those things yet. Or tell her something like "Those are sophisticated subjects that require some delicate balance in talking in front of the children, so we are holding off until my husband and I can do it appropriately."
I don't know all the ins and outs with your mother, but even when my father bristles at my correction or change of subject, he does respect the fact that WE'RE the parents and WE'RE the filters; WE decide what is appropriate or not.
It's difficult, and I'll pray for your situation.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KauaiCatholic
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 25 2009
Location: Hawaii
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 535
|
| Posted: Jan 03 2011 at 7:34pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
thank you so much, Jennifer. I feel calmer now; thinking of it in those terms help. I am probably being sensitive (houseguests during the holidays can do that to me. ) thanks for putting things in perspective, and for the prayers.
__________________
Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
cathhomeschool
Board Moderator
Texas Bluebonnets
Joined: Jan 26 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 7303
|
| Posted: Jan 03 2011 at 9:54pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think Jen's suggestion is what I'd do -- explain to your mom that these topics aren't for discussion with or around the kids. You can tell her that, in order to help, you'll reminder her in a "coded" way if you hear her saying things in front of the kids. Perhaps if you emphasize that this is for *your* family she won't get offended or take things personally (Each family has to make their own decision. Dh and I have talked and have decided for our family it's best to save discussion of X topics until the children are older...)
Personally, I would have stopped the two conversations you mention. I don't think 9 and 5 are old enough for such discussions so I don't think you're being overly sensitive.
And I'm praying for you! 
__________________
Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
guitarnan
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 10883
|
| Posted: Jan 03 2011 at 10:26pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I don't think you are overly sensitive, either. I can appreciate the houseguest stress factor, though.
Janette's code word idea is good, I think. In your home, with your children, you need to be able to derail a train that's going in an inappropriate direction. If you have to say something like, "Gee, Mom, I really could use your help organizing (insert name of next meal)," and drag her off to the kitchen, that is okay.
Honestly, 9 years old is pretty young to be learning about the details, so to speak. One of the great gifts of homeschooling is being able to discuss sensitive topics when your children are ready for them, not when someone on the bus mentions them...and I hope your mother will be able to respect that.
I'll be saying some prayers for you tonight and over the next few days...I know this is hard.
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Jan 03 2011 at 10:46pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
KauaiCatholic wrote:
but last night she talked about his "boyfriend" in very descriptive terms ... and my DS's eyes got huge.
I obviously need to address this with him, but don't want to make things worse or too big of a big deal about it. |
|
|
You might want to just let it "rest" a while and then ask in a very round about way.. kids this age may simply dismiss something that doesn't "make sense" and not think about it again. If you do need to explain it.. you can just point out that sometimes people get very confused and 2 boys will try and act like a husband and wife and we should pray for them.
The 5 yr old is much easier.. simple explaination if she needs it.. that's where we were when you started growing in mommy's tummy. Remember our knowledge may make it a much huger issue than it is for the child.. all the child needs to know is concieving is when a baby starts to grow in the mama's tummy.. and that will cover lots of things that bring it up for some time.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CatholicMommy
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2007
Location: Indiana
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1254
|
| Posted: Jan 04 2011 at 9:07am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I know for myself, I really detest when other people bring up these sorts of topics around my son.
My son knows a bit more on some of these types of topics than the average child, but he also knows about propriety and with whom he is allowed to discuss these matters. I also know the manner in which I have presented certain pieces of information but other people will not know these particular nuances and really upset our delicate balance (between maintaining innocence, while also addressing deep emotional issues).
So no, even if our particular circumstances of the child actually knowing of what one is speaking, it is NOT inappropriate to tell your mother that in the presence of your children, certain topics will not be addressed.
As for your 9 year old - I second the above advice. Wait a while, unless he shows evidence of confusion or strange behavior, and address it then.
Sometimes, really odd behavior (mouthiness, ultra-sensitivity) is a sign that a child is confused about something he has heard or seen. If you see these signs and can't attribute it to lack of sleep or poor nutrition, pull him aside for a quiet one-on-one activity, that promotes lots of reflection and reflective conversation. Prompt him gently to share anything that might be on his mind. He might not be able to articulate his confusion right away or ever - but then, he might be very clear about it. Give simple responses; and assure that he knows he can come to you with ANYthing.
This will set up a great pattern for as he gets older too...
__________________
Garden of Francis
HS Elementary Montessori Training
Montessori Nuggets
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
MaryM
Board Moderator
Joined: Feb 11 2005
Location: Colorado
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 13104
|
| Posted: Jan 04 2011 at 9:42am | IP Logged
|
|
|
CatholicMommy wrote:
As for your 9 year old - I second the above advice. Wait a while, unless he shows evidence of confusion or strange behavior, and address it then.
|
|
|
I would agree with this that several have suggested. Wait and discern if he picked up enough to need explanations, then only offer enough information to address the present concerns/questions at the most vague level needed. Good suggestions offered already. 
__________________
Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KauaiCatholic
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 25 2009
Location: Hawaii
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 535
|
| Posted: Jan 05 2011 at 9:34pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
thank you everybody. it's been a rough couple days so I haven't been able to thank you all for this great advice. I'm realizing I need to accept the fact that my mother has a whole different concept of privacy and appropriate topics ... you'd think after 40 years I'd have made peace with this already. but I'm still a work in progress, so it helps to have other perspectives. when it's just her and I, I feel like an oversensitive child all over again instead of a mother protecting her kids from TMI.
thanks again, everybody. especially for the prayers.
__________________
Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: mom bringing up difficult topics
