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dolorsofmary
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| Posted: Nov 20 2010 at 6:52am | IP Logged
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I was in Target Department store and there was a mom with 3 kids and I was there with my one and only. Her 3 were being whiny and one got away from her but she caught up to him very soon and she had to really law down the law to get them to behave and to quell the whining. She threatened to take away looking at toys if the whining continued. Now my son was doing the same whining (not with them but they were in earshot of course) and I still got the christmas outfit he wanted. And afterwards he said with a smile, I can always get what I want out of you in so many words, he didn't say it in a mean way but sort of a proud playful way. Still it made me think - hmmm - if I had more children (which I wish I did but I am in my mid to late 40s and we tried adoption and everything else that is available to faithful catholics and well this is it) so anyway it made me think. Moms of multiples had natural alarms to quell in their children, whining etc because they cannot tolerate multiple children whining. I have one and so I can put up with more and so my son might very well whine more than other children, etc. etc. and so its easier for me but it does not serve him in maturing him. Hmmm... Of course the natural solution is to stop the whining when it starts. But on those days that I'm just getting through I may not stop the whining and I'm doing a self check today on my mothering and wondering if I'm up to snuff. I would love to talk to others down this road. I don't want my child to be a spoiled rotten only child. I do arrange playdates etc. Here in the northeast its harder to get together. I've been laughed at twice when trying to arrange playdates. Now I try to stick with homeschooled kids only because then I have more in commom with the moms. Your advice, in sight please? I just feel that i can sink into complacency because I can tolerate more and in one of my ears i am deaf and so I can truly tolerate more noise than others. So it makes me think hmmm maybe I need to be a better on this area. But how to make it easy/fun, not destroy the relationship over it. thinking love and logic - I give treats to kids who don't whine.. Maybe that would work. in this case maybe I take kids who don't whine to see toys... Your thoughts please. thank you!
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Nov 20 2010 at 7:08am | IP Logged
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I only have two children, and so I can't comment on the moms of multiples aspect of your questions. But - I think every mom has to deal with the whining-for-things phase. For me, what made it wind down (it didn't stop instantly) was being consistent. Dh and I decided what level was acceptable and if things escalated beyond that, the consequences were what I call "automatic 'no"" (if you ask me in a whining tone, the answer is automatically "no") or, if necessary, leaving the store. Yes, it is a pain to leave all those unpurchased items and do the same errand over again!
I'm not sure I would automatically reward "not whining" either - only once in a while, and then with a comment like, "I've noticed that on our last few trips to Target you've really tried to behave well. Why don't we spend some extra time in the toy section today?"
I have a friend who's expecting her first child and she is really worried about being a perfect mom. (She is high-risk and has suffered through several miscarriages, so she may well be a fellow mom-of-only.) I tried to tell her the other day that it's okay to make some mistakes while parenting - you have many, many years in which to show your love and parent your child. One mistake isn't going to ruin the big picture.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Nov 20 2010 at 10:24am | IP Logged
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I think that the reason to stop the whining, or any behavior the parents want to stop, isn't based on the parents' tolerance level - "You get a consequence when I can't stand hearing any more." Instead, the reason I discipline my children is to help them learn what is acceptable behavior, respect, etc. For example - talking back ("sassing") is just not going to fly anywhere, with anyone - friends, bosses, police - not just something I don't want my child to do because it bugs me. So, discipline really has a much broader context.
Not that kids acting up doesn't *bug me* as well, but that isn't the main reason behind working on changing behavior.
"Discipline" comes from the same word root as "disciple". The parents' job,imho, is to lead the child toward the behavior that is acceptable to you. It's about helping your child to learn the best way to behave so that in the end he is a successful person. And that process is a very long one.
Being human, we don't always have the response that is *perfect* in some theoretical sense. And God knows we're imperfect human beings, so he doesn't *hold it against us* when we show our human side. Reminding ourselves of that allows us to do what we do
.What you expect at any time depends largely on your child's age/developmental stage. For example, a 10 year old having a tantrum in the store is much less appropriate than a 2 year old doing the same thing. Not that the 2 year old is *allowed* to do that, but the consequence would be quite different. With the younger child, you might just pick him up, leave the store, and sit in the car with him until he calms down. With the 10 year old you might leave the store, go home, have to spend an hour alone in their room, or lose some privilege.
Consistency is very important, although I would guess that none of us has ever been 100% consisent. (That good old flawed humanity again).
So, there you have my 2 cents. 
Peace,
Nancy
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Nov 20 2010 at 10:29am | IP Logged
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Even though I have many I can't tolerate whining from even one child.. nails on chalkboard 
But I rarely have to threaten to get it to stop. For one thing I don't give into a whining request.. totally different than going to the store to get something for the child that we had perhaps already discussed and the things a child attempts to whine to get like candy in the checkout aisle or things just because you walk by them. There's not even discussion or angst on my part.. I just say no.. usually fairly pleasantly.. not worth it in my opinion to put a lot of energy into it. It's simply "no". No explaination or apology either.
So no reward for whining pretty much elminates the behavior.. without needing to have a fun thing taken away.
BUT a child running from me could easily have that sort of consequence. I simply won't stay in the store extra time if they're not following my rules 
Also, why a child is whiny makes a difference.. if they're tired or hungry or not feeling well.. well when I'm those even I can feel whiny and I have more control over fixing them But whining to get something.. nope.
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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LucyP
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| Posted: Nov 20 2010 at 3:50pm | IP Logged
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I think the concept of what is or is not whining is quite hard for kids to grasp - and actually it is quite hard for me as an adult, because sometimes the same words/number of repetitions/tone of voice would not even get my notice but on another day it would have me wanting toi explode. So, to be honest, I tend not to make a big deal of whining. I can remember many many times when my parents would accuse me of whining, and I would be staggered and think "I'm only asking lots of times" or whatever the situation was: it almost always felt unjust.
I guess, like with everything, only you can tell if it really annoys you enough to make the effort of dealing with it worthwhile.
But, at the root of this, seems to be a lack of confidence in your parenting. In all love and gentleness, I often think it comes across in your posts that you doubt yourself as a mother and feel a lot of insecurity about it - maybe because you "only" have one child and are an older mother? I am an adoptive mother, and have feelings sometimes of being at a disadvantage, not being as good at mothering as other women I know and worry about how being "different" affects my kids. But God planned my family and He also planned yours, and He has totally equipped you with the wisdom and compassion and love you need to be your son's mama. And you are the 100% right mama for your little boy and you will be doing a great job. 
I really hope I have not spoken out of turn, but this is just what came to my mind.
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JaysFamily
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| Posted: Nov 20 2010 at 5:17pm | IP Logged
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My son is an only child, too. When he starts to whine, I just say, "I can't understand you when you whine. Speak in a nicer tone, please," and I do not grant any request until he asks nicely, or protests in an acceptable manner. Sometimes I have to help him by giving examples of nicer ways to ask for things, or to express his disappointment or anger. It's a work in progress.
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Willa
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| Posted: Nov 20 2010 at 8:49pm | IP Logged
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Jody brought up WHY the child is whining. ... I think that's important no matter how few or many children you have. If the child is in an over-stimulating place like a store, and bored, and not seeing a happy ending anywhere in sight, he might well whine or throw a tantrum depending on his age and temperament.
I am not sure how old your child is but because he is your only one, that might give you a chance to prepare ahead of time with him -- talk to him about
---how long you are going to be in the store
---what he can expect (whether there is a routine treat at the end of a long shopping spree, or whether he can have a bit of spending money to use as he likes)
---what he can do to keep himself busy and happy while he is in there. Can he bring in a small toy? Can he make a Christmas wish list? etc
If you go with the small amount of spending money, you could talk with him whether he is SURE he wants X trinket or if he would rather spend it on Y -- this might help him feel more in control of the situation rather than thinking he has to manipulate you into getting what he wants.
I think there must be advantages to having just one child, otherwise God wouldn't plan any one-child families. So you can play to your family's strengths -- as a mom of one, you have time and space to dialogue with him and set an example of a mature way of thinking.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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hmbress
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| Posted: Nov 22 2010 at 5:28pm | IP Logged
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I have a friend who responds to her children's whining by saying "I don't speak Whinese" - LOL!
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Heather Rose (ds13, ds10)
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Nov 22 2010 at 6:16pm | IP Logged
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Oh, I wish I'd heard that one before my son "outgrew" whining!!! Too funny!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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SusanMc
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I've got to thank you for the suggestion about the automatic "no" to anything worded as a whine. I started saying "automatic no" with a friendly grin to my 3.5 year old and it has done two things almost instantly:
1. It lightens the mood of both of us. I'm not sure why exactly but it becomes more like a game between us and not a nagging mom.
2. I see him actually stop himself from whining and change course to asking politely about 1/8 of the time. Other times he rephrases the whine into a polite request after my "automatic no" prompting.
Oh, and even if the answer is STILL no after a polite request, it is a good reminder to me for recognizing him for asking so nicely.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Disciplining an Only Child
