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Becky J
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 4:35pm | IP Logged
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I am curious what some other moms think about the following topic of discussion, which arose between my husband and me over the weekend.
Do you think that a dad of small children has a moral obligation to try to remarry if his wife dies, or a mom of small children a moral obligation to try to remarry if her husband dies? This would be that so the children could continue to be raised in the ideal setting of the nuclear family (preferably with dad as breadwinner and mom as homemaker).
I have always thought that if I were widowed, I would pull up my bootstraps, send my kids to school, and attempt to find a good-paying job in order to support us. And if I happened to meet an eligible bachelor or widower, I would marry again. But I didn't see myself actively going out and trying to remarry. That, though, is what my husband would want me to do.
Fortunately, this is all speculation for us right now, but it's a topic on our minds due to circumstances in the lives of some close friends.
Has anyone else had this kind of discussion with their husband? What have you concluded?
Thanks!
Becky J
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Mimip
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 6:12pm | IP Logged
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Becky,
My husband and I have had this discussion quite a few times and I don't feel like there is a moral obligation there.
My husband says he would finishing raising the kids and then become a Franciscan of some sort. (Can you tell we've talked about this a bit  )
To tell you the truth I really would not feel comfortable bringing any other man into my house with me raising girls. I know that there are some absolutely wonderful men out there that marry and raise step children but I also know that I would be terrified and with all the horror stories that I have heard from my husband (he's a cop) would have a really hard time remarrying.
Also, when would I have time to actually actively go out there and date again? I'm almost 34 years old and have been with my husband since I was 19. The truth is that I have no interest to hit the dating scene ever again  )
Hope that makes sense. I would love others to chime in about this too!
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Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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Mary G
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Having been in this situation (my first dh died at 31 and I had a 3 and 1 yo ...) I think you honestly have to leave it up to God to show you what you should do ...
I was blessed and found my way, 5 years later, to North Carolina, and met and married my dh with whom I've had 3 more children.
But I know others, who have never remarried and have lived God's will for them ...
Not an easy question nor an answer that fits all ... just what worked for me and mine ...
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Erin
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| Posted: Oct 26 2010 at 7:06pm | IP Logged
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Mary G wrote:
| I think you honestly have to leave it up to God to show you what you should do ... |
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I think we all toy with the hypothetical situations, what if.... the reality is, He will unfold His plan in His time. Our task is to prayer and leave it all in His hands.  
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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insegnante
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I don't see how it could be a moral obligation without anyone authoritative within the Church ever having said it was one. You could believe that it was something you loosely speaking "should" consider trying, but I'd really not consider that an actual moral obligation for myself, let alone think of it as something others are obligated to do.
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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JodieLyn
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If God can turn all things to good.. then he can do that for children who've lost a parent without the surviving parent rushing out to fill the hole left in their lives.
I do think that *I* should not block out that possibility.. like those that will say "if my spouse dies I will never remarry".
I think we'd be at the point in which we'd need to dicern once again God's will for our state in life, single, married, religious.. it may be that after losing a spouse the surviving spouse would raise the children and then become a priest or a nun or religious brother.. and that is seen in the traditions of the church. But it may also be that God will continue to call you to the marriage vocation and bless the surviving spouse with a second spouse.
Any way you look at it though, it is not likely to my way of thinking that you can dicern a vocation based on a "what if" and would just need to deal with it if the situation ever came up.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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JaysFamily
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| Posted: Oct 27 2010 at 12:36pm | IP Logged
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I think I remember seeing a study done a few years ago that showed that children who were raised by a widowed parent did not have the same risk statistics as those who were raised by single parents due to an uninvolved or unknown biological parent.
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Jaysfamily
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JennGM
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| Posted: Oct 27 2010 at 3:09pm | IP Logged
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I haven't read the replies, so sorry if this is said already.
My husband and I have a similar conversation all the time about what happens when we die, but never does the word "obligation" come into play. It's more of "Would you want me to remarry?" or "Would you remarry?" or "Do you want to remarry?"
We laugh at how hard it is to adjust to living with a person, how would anyone want us later in life? That would be an even greater adjustment!
We just gave each other the blessing that it would be okay, and it wouldn't mean that we didn't love each other by remarrying. As far as the actual remarrying, God has to send the spouse. I don't think either of us would actively look to find a replacement.
I just don't think marrying just for financial security or for help raising the kids is a reason to marry.
We do try to have some financial back-up plan in case one of us dies so we can at least have a mourning period without worrying about how to pay the bills and such.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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SaraP
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St. Elizabeth Ann Seton was widowed when her children were young and did not remarry.
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CatholicMommy
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| Posted: Oct 28 2010 at 6:51pm | IP Logged
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JaysFamily wrote:
| I think I remember seeing a study done a few years ago that showed that children who were raised by a widowed parent did not have the same risk statistics as those who were raised by single parents due to an uninvolved or unknown biological parent. |
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This makes total sense - instead of that sense of abandonment, knowing that the absentee parent makes a choice every moment to not be there, there is an honoring of the deceased parent and a desire to live out the answer to the question "what would mom/dad want me to do if she/he were here?"
That's not to negate the feelings of abandonment that people with deceased parents have, but the fact is, the pain is different, the issues are different, even with some overlap.
I think it also depends a LOT on how the remaining parents works through the issues with the children while working through his/her own grief process. So the children don't feel left by both parents.
I am with other responses here - I wouldn't negate the possibility, but I wouldn't purposely set myself to seek out another spouse right away either. I would allow God to guide us, as we go through the grieving process and find our new paths in life.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Obligation to remarry?
