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*Lindsey*
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| Posted: Sept 22 2010 at 7:32am | IP Logged
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Last night, on the way home after a busy day away from the house all day, DH looks at me and says, "I really hope we're done having kids." After my internal reaction of "WHAT?!" I asked him to explain more.
What he told me was that he loves the six we have more than anything and wouldn't change that, but he feels like he gets further away from me, more separated from me, with each child we have. He said everything is complicated and difficult; Bedtime, meals, going somewhere, etc.
I do understand what he means. He is a self-employed masonry contractor and workd doesn't stop when he gets home from a job. He's busy. He still has phone calls, paper work, etc when he gets home.
Our kids are ages 7 (almost) down to 8 weeks. I told him things are hard now because there are so many young ones who need us, but that it will (so I hear) get easier in that respect as they get older. He said, "If we keep having kids this quickly, it's going to be this way for a long time."
So, I'm not sure what to do other than pray. Does anyone have any tips/suggestions on what I/we can do to help him not feel so separated from me? I don't feel separated from him but life is busy and chaotic right now and we don't have much time to ourselves. We do have some time at night after the kids are in bed, but we're both exhausted and ready for bed by that point or he's trying to finish paperwork and I'm still trying to clean up the kitchen.
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Lindsey
Mama to DS (11), DD(9), twin dds(7), DD (5), DS (4), DS (3), and 5 angels in heaven.
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*Lindsey*
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| Posted: Sept 22 2010 at 11:05am | IP Logged
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I wanted to add that I'm not sure how serious he was about the no more kids comment. I am ashamed to admit that I have said that after a long, hard day, too.
My main concern is how to foster our relationship more.
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Lindsey
Mama to DS (11), DD(9), twin dds(7), DD (5), DS (4), DS (3), and 5 angels in heaven.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 22 2010 at 11:27am | IP Logged
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Well to start with I do think you're right in some ways.. what age your oldest is makes a HUGE difference.
for instance.. when my oldest was 7.. let me see that means the others would have been 5, 4, 2.5, 1 and I would have been mid-pregnancy with #6..
ok so then I couldn't have done anything without taking all the kids with me, the 7 yr old could only handle a few minutes of me not being totally in charge.. I could doze in a chair in the living room type of thing if I needed some extra rest. The older kids could help catch littles but often couldn't deal with a little that would fight them about coming to me (they got good at the catch and "sit on" so that mom could get there). The older ones were learning to help but weren't really at a point to do anything totally on their own, they weren't big enough to do any heavier jobs that need lifting, things that were more dangerous (like with some types of cooking or chopping kindling for a fire.. we heat with wood) etc etc etc
fast forward...
We have 9 children.. oldest is 13.5 yrs still have about 1.5 yr average between children so didn't really slow down though the younger ones are a bit further apart but the largest space is from a loss..
I can direct most chores from my chair.. not everyone does everything well every time.. but I can check and send them back to finish, my oldest can cook just about anything I can cook, including some of the more dangerous types of cooking.. like frying in deeper oil (I don't have a true deep fryer) for things like fried chicken, my oldest son can split firewood and kindling and all I have to do is ask for a fire in the wood stove if needed, if one of the littles tries to escape, the big ones can pick them up even if they're fighting and bring them back, they can do the yard work, they can watch the littles so that I can go back and lay down on my bed and sleep for 2 solid hours if I need it.. so being able to spend time alone with dh while the kids are up is much much easier than it used to be. 
So yes it's still crazy and I need my cell phone calender with it's alarms to remind me of where I need to be.. BUT it's soooo much easier to get away for a bit with the older kids.
So.. work on things that are complicated.. going somewhere.. what makes that complicated? around here it's usually the shoes  but for instance, Sunday before Mass is so much calmer if we've done the shoe hunt the night before. Simple planning change, which we can't do every time.. but finding ways to help make it easier to get out of the house.. when all mine were little like yours I kept an extra bag in the van.. it had diapers and wipes and changes of clothes for the littler ones (sometimes the older ones) which meant that I didn't have to find everything and fill a diaper bag to be able to leave quickly.. I knew I had stuff in the van if needed and if we could just find those shoes.. we could take off and go and do something.
We found that bedtime was much easier if we did it earlier and then gave the kids time in their rooms with lights on.. the kids struggled against it less and we got more time to finish things up while the kids read or played quietly in bed.. plus is gave us a great easy consequence for not settling down and reading or playing quietly.. the light could go off. 
Figure out what is making meals difficult.. is it just the chaos of many chattering and making noise etc. Set up some rules and start teaching the kids to take turns talking. Is it having to help so many littles with food.. prep their food before taking it to the table so it's just as easy to serve as the other portions.. and that will cut down the chaos at the table though it may take a bit longer to get things to the table.
work on giving each other some down time to recoup that isn't your couple time.. so like my dh usually does bedtime, so I have time to sit and recover from the day a bit, do some online stuff etc.. and usually he gets the morning time before anyone else gets up for computer time and quiet with a cup of coffee.. which leaves the evening after getting the kids to bed for couple time.. we might finish up some other things or we might not.. sometimes chores are NOT more important than couple time. So you also have to give priority.. it's ok sometimes to supercede a priority but if you do it all the time.. it's not a priority.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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JaysFamily
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| Posted: Sept 22 2010 at 4:07pm | IP Logged
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Can you designate an evening every week where you and your DH put aside other responsibilities and just talk and reconnect, and set aside one date night a month?
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In Christ,
Jaysfamily
wife to Jay
mother to DS(5)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 22 2010 at 4:55pm | IP Logged
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Back for a bit more..
This is where some of the "love languages" type of thing comes into play as well.
Trying to do things that help both of you feel connected..
I know that when things get busy it can hard to take time to touch and I don't mean just the intimate type of touching.. I'm talking about the hug in passing, the hand on the arm when talking, holding hands when walking.. all these things tend to go by the wayside when everyone is feeling rushed.. and it can create a downward spiral.. because you do it less you feel like doing it even less and round and round and further apart you are. And that goes for anyway in which you connect.. if it's quiet chats and you don't get those and you feel further apart so you try less to get those in.. or if it's love notes and you're too rushed to write.. or if it's acts of service and service to kids is too often the priority over your dh..
We've gotten so busy with lots of things.. that we're using google calenders to help keep track of where everyone is going.. it helps a lot that we both have equal access.. and he can see the things I have scheduled or need to be there for kids.. and I can see when his fire dept meetings are and when he'll be gone with scouts or whatever.. really helps expectations of when we'll see each other.. nothing like expecting that he'll be home and finding out at the 11th hour that.. nope.. someone else scheduled something he has to be at. I admit that I'm more likely to get my feelings hurt over that but it does go both ways.. he has a day off midweek and finds out just beforehand that I have a meeting with the homeschool group moms to do some planning.
You've got to find someway to keep communication going even when life is out of control so that you don't build resentment during those times.. it makes it easier to reconnect after a busy time.
Be creative getting time to talk.. we found when kids were little that going for a drive would often get us a van full of sleeping kids and we could chat.. or a new movie for the kids while we sat outside or in another room that we could watch (eye or ear) but still have time together with fewer than normal interuptions.
If you have dualing computers.. it can be fun to IM each other.. even if you're in the same room.. can't be overheard or send emails.
Go to a park after Mass or sometime.. the kids will run and play and you can talk while you watch them.
a lot of the tricks I can think of for getting time when you have a bunch of little ones basically give you space to talk without being overheard but you can still watch the kids. And finding a few things that will work early in the day before you're wiped out.. will help you balance those tired evenings.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Grace&Chaos
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| Posted: Sept 22 2010 at 5:28pm | IP Logged
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Lindsey, I can relate to your concerns. You have a younger group than I. My oldest is 10 and my youngest is 11 months with dc #2 - dc #6 being 1.5 years apart. Connecting with our dhs can be difficult. I have enjoyed reading Jodie's posts they are helpful to me as well.
I think the biggest thing we have done for each other has been our date nights at home. We get our netflix and put it on after the kids are down or in their rooms. We have a treat (ice cream for dh and pastry/chocolate for me ) It might take us a couple of days to finish one DVD but we've enjoyed this time not worrying about anything or anybody else. We don't zone out from each other, we actually stop the movie several times to talk and I think that's why we don't get through it. It doesn't seem like much but it is our time .. alone .. on the couch .. with each other! There is something very intimate about just being together without distractions. It can be difficult but it has become routine for us several times a week, we almost need that down time to remind us there was a time before kids and there will be time after kids. My dh always reminds me to enjoy the chaos because there will be a day when there will be silence and I will surely miss it. (I love him so much  )
Think back when your were dating, what did you enjoy doing during quiet times? Watching an interesting film, discussing a book/article, latest political/religious news, exercise, prayer? Think simple but familiar and give yourself at least 30 minutes a day (morning or evening) to do that with your dh without kiddies. My very most humble opinion.
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Blessings,
Jenny
Mom to dds(00,03) and dss(05,06,08,09)
Grace in Loving Chaos
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Erin
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| Posted: Sept 22 2010 at 9:10pm | IP Logged
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Lindsey  and hugs to your dh
It is so very, very hard at present, and I know to hear "it will get better whilst consoling seems far away at present."
So often our dh's are overwhelmed, they have so much responsibility on their shoulders, different in respects to ours and whilst we want to help, well we are busy too.
One of the best advice I took from here was to institute a 'date night' with my dh last year. With eight children and well life, we so often felt like we were 'ships passing'. Our date night is nothing elaborate, simply on Tuesday night, we sit together and watch a TV series. We do not miss it for anything, for that one hour we sit together on the lounge, the children are hustled out (we have teens) the answering machine takes calls. What often happens after the show is we continue to sit, sometimes snuggling, sometimes not and we talk. Big matters, little matters, occasionally not, but we are committed to spending time together, re-connecting. That's what makes it special to both of us.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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LucyP
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| Posted: Sept 23 2010 at 5:36am | IP Logged
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I lost the longer version of this - but what we are experimenting with because by the evening I am shattered, is making a sandwich and milk breakfast for the children in a cool bag and setting an alarm to give us some extra time in the morning. If DD is in with us in our bed as she usually is, she goes out and they eat at the table downstairs, while we get to sip coffee, chat, give back rubs or whatever  and share the first fruits of our day together. I am thinking of setting up a B&B style drinks facility in our room, and keeping breakfast bars etc there, so we can actually have a holiday start to our day on a daily basis.
It is helping us connect. It would be harder with such a wee babe, I know, but I thought I'd toss it out there as an idea because the evening is not a time when I have energy. I also find it easier to get to bed at the time when I NEED to without feeling I am stealing my time from DH at night because we have our special morning time to look forward to.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Can we discuss this?
