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dolorsofmary
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at our community pool and now at the playground the rule is if my hubby or I are with our son (who is a young 5 yr old) no siblings unfortunately) and there is never a time when he is NOT with one of us) it is ok for him to talk to strangers like ' can I play with that? he might ask another parent who has a toy or another child' he is very gregarious, or he did this or that to me - well we've been working on the tattling.
But others I've seen if the kid talks to a stranger then the parent chides and them and takes them home.
I could enforce that rule but I think it would be confusing. At our community pool we see the same people pretty muchfor almost 3 months and most live in our neighborhood (of course after that we don't see them again until maybe Hallowe'en and hten again next summer. At the park they are true strangers.
Your suggestions here please? Thank you! My son talks to a lot of strangers but with me or hubby there. Now when he has more freedom - Not sure when exactly I'll let him go off on his own without one of us being able to at least see him from a distance) then that will be another i=ssue.
Your ideas please?
Thank you!
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guitarnan
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We found that reading the book The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers is a good beginning. You might also want to gently remind your son that talking with children his own age is different than walking up to adults he doesn't know - unless you're right there with him (which you are, right now, so he won't think he's made a mistake).
At each level of development you can add to his understanding of why we don't talk to strangers in certain places and situations - talking to the grocery store cashier (a stranger) is different from talking to an unknown grownup on the sidewalk.
We have a code word for our children - they know that if anyone tells them, "Your mom sent me to pick you up," but does not know the family code word, that person is a dangerous stranger and they should run away and get help.
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dolorsofmary
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Another aspect of never talk to strangers...is the only child factor.
I went to a homeschool picnic and we didn't know hardly anyone there. A kind mom helped me in asking a child about my son's age (he is 5) if he would play with my son by saying that he doesn't have any brohters or sisters and he doesn't know anyone, can you please play with him and it worked well a couple of times at that picnic.
Then we were at a public park and my son wanted to play with a child and usually I encourage him to go up and say 'Hi my name is .... can I play? Or can yo play with me, etc.' but I tried the same thing as at the homeschool picnic and the child ran away, my thought was at first - boy the people here are so cold, but then I thought maybe he was taught not to talk to strangers and so he didn't want to talk to me but I imagine his parent was somewhere on the grounds but still I'm not sure of it.
I guess it depends. when some kids where playing with 1 short monkey bars for my child's age group I encouraged him to say say 'hi my name is... can I play? and it worked well. One of very few times.'
I imagine that the stranger danger thing can be confusing for kids and I don't want him to think that his uncles are going ot hurt him or whatever I know the stragner danger talks can get out of hand. My library has the video on berenstain bears don't talk to strangers but it is on vhs and so we cannot play it but I found a kiddy picture book on don't talk to strangers. I will have to preview it first though.
Thank you! Your thoughts please. I feel that since he is older now and can outrun me I should start to address this more. I have said in the past - don't talk to strangers but I ask quesiton sof people al the time - what time is it? or whatever but I'm an adult, etc. So well I think the idea of a code word is great. Thank you! Your thoughts please. Thanks!
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Mackfam
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I don't discuss "stranger" issues or behaviors with my little ones (under 7). My husband and I choose not to do this for a few reasons:
** Those children are never out of our sight or the sight of an older child or trusted friend/relative.
** Discussing stranger behavior is frightening for them and confusing.
** I do my best to apply common sense boundaries that provide safe measures without explaining anything nebulous or scary about a potential stranger. Example: If the doorbell rings, Mommy or Daddy always answer it. Period. That's just a rule! If a big person asks you a question the answer is ALWAYS, "I'll have to ask my mom and dad first" - and then go immediately to mom or dad. Because that is a rule of the house - check with mom and dad first!
** And if my children are ever agitated or uncertain about anything, I always tell them to listen to their guardian angel and high-tail it over to me!!! No other explanation necessary! I'll take care of the details, but NEVER, EVER ignore a funny feeling in your tummy!
Young children take everything so literally. I don't like to blow things up out of proportion by over-discussing or over-questioning things like "strangers", but I am careful to be as attentive as I can to my children, their behavior, and what they're doing when we're out in public. If we're at a park, I let my 5 yo introduce himself to other children. I might also allow him to introduce himself to other "mommy or daddy adults" in the area because, like you, I would be right there. I don't bring up the "stranger" issue with my son this age because it's frightening and confusing.
As my children get older, we ease into discussions which continue to support healthy and safe boundaries for that child.
As far as the other examples you gave of your son introducing himself and sometimes the kids play...and sometimes they don't. I'd RELAX!!!! Kids are fickle!  Sometimes they're feeling sociable and they enjoy company...and sometimes they don't! It's probably as simple as that. My guess would be that it doesn't have anything to do with "stranger warnings" they've been given, but with their mood at the moment, or their temperament (they could be shy).
If my son ran away from me out of sight at a park or other public place, I would stop everything, collect my child, and leave. Immediately. I do this without fuss or making a scene (even if said child is screaming and melting down). Smile and be calm and leave. We would then discuss appropriate behaviors for when mommy calls. I tell my kids that if they can't see me and I can't see them they're in THE WRONG PLACE!!! If a child neglects or ignores the rule of STAYING IN SIGHT and offering OBEDIENCE while out somewhere...the privilege of playing there is REVOKED. Yes -- this has happened to me. And yes -- I removed that child from the setting. It makes an impression, conveys that I'm serious and that my rules are there for a reason, and that I intend to enforce them. It doesn't happen often after we have to leave somewhere abruptly once.
I hope I haven't minimized the issue of being watchful around strangers! I take stranger concerns very seriously and try to be careful that in giving information to arm and protect a child, I am not intruding on a child's natural innocence. I am always on guard when we're out, and I try to be very tuned in to my children's behaviors, attitudes, body language, etc. when we're out and around people we don't know. I'm not a professional in this area - I just go with my gut - make sure I'm always attentive - and KNOW MY OWN KIDDOS!!!! My general rule is, the less I know the group of people, the shorter the radius I allow my children away from me (sometimes, this is only within arms reach if we're among total strangers), the more we know the group of people, or the more comfortable I feel around a group of somewhat unknown people, the longer the reach is.
Hope this helps, dolorsofmary! 
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LucyP
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I tend to be like Jen. I think the stranger message is odd for children - partly most children who are at risk are not at risk from strangers anyway, and also we teach by example and instruction that children should talk to strangers anyway.
I always feel, if I am there, then I am the safety net, and my children are not off on their own anyway. Sometimes, if my 6 yo waits outside a shop with the dog while DD and I nip in, I say to him if anyone tries to talk to him just to walk inside the door and shout for me.
I haven't got my head round this really. We live in a city and I was raised in the country where you were friendly, and I like my children to smile and say hello to elderly ladies etc, so I mostly let them carry on as long as I am with them/nearby.
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Barbara C.
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I recommend The Safe Side video.
There was another book for parents about stranger safety, but I can't think of the title or author. It makes a lot of good points about how kids define "a stranger". (For instance, they might not consider the librarian they see every week a stranger.) It also talks about the techniques that predators use to lure kids away from their parents right under their parents' noses.
One of the biggest things I tell my kids is that if they get separated from Mommy and Daddy to ask a mom with kids, cashier, or police officer for help but NEVER leave the building/store with ANYONE other than Mommy and Daddy.
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Grace&Chaos
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With a 5 year old I have to admit this topic doesn't get discussed much around here. I think we tend to focus on having them recognize who they can build bonds with. Ofcourse this is usually people we introduce into their lives and typically are trust worthy by us. By the time they are about 8 or 9 and we bring this up they have already created their own interpretations of what constitutes a "stranger" or acceptable person in their life. It is then that we can more seriously stress the importance and/or dangers that are out there without frightening her (mind you we've only done this with our oldest dd so far) just reinforcing things she has already formulated as a result of our examples/comments. (She in turn is very watchful herself towards her younger siblings)
This is such a scarry topic to think about. I rapidly learned that I had to cut my activities completely after the birth of our fourth baby. I didn't feel in control when we were out with our hs groups. I didn't have enough eyes or arms to just reach out and catch a running toddler. Slowly I'm introducing Jen's suggestions about if I can't see you then we can't be here. I've had to abruptly leave gatherings/fieldtrips/parkdays until that particular child gets the message. I do have many littles that really need supervision and the message is harder to get across (they're roavers ). I've had moms tell me "we've missed having you around", but until my littles have a few more years of understanding my requests we will just stick to being home or going out when there are extra adult eyes to watch them (this usually means dh, grandparents or aunties coming along with us). Our hs group knows my in laws very well and often ask about them. We also tend to have all our get togethers at our house. Our other hs moms understand and have no problem scheduling get togethers this way.
Barbara, my dh is in law enforcement and you are right there are certain things to look out for when it comes to predators. I'll have to check out your recommendation. He is constantly cautioning me about things. The biggest is that I am a mom with many littles and can easily be distracted by one or another (mind you even with one child you can easily be distracted). Putting them into the van is another. Having the oldest hold the youngest, having the next two hold each other and I concentrate on the two (uncontrolable) toddlers. Shopping with everyone is out of the question. Errands alone with kids are stictly reserved for emergencies. His occupation certainly creates caution around our home and lifestyle, there are many terrifying stories out there and it just takes seconds. Like Jen says please always go with your instict and gut and always be attentive!! God always gives us signs we just have to know how to read them.
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mamasue
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My kids do not usually get out of hearing distance from me... We just tend to stay together as a group unless we are at a relatives home.
All these ladies have wonderful advise, I would just like to add a few of our safety rules
whether we are at a park or hiking, absolutely stay in sight. If they can't see me, then I can't see them and they have gone too far
if you can't find mommy or daddy, find a MOM. Tell her you are lost. If you can't immediately find a mom, find a priest, policeman or fireman
when we are in a crowd I always put a slip of paper with our phone numbers in their pocket
my kids naturally don't talk to strange adults unless i am right there. Not sure why...
Oh, and even Though we have not had any kidnapping talks, I know I am doing something right when one day a woman grabbed by 5 year old's hand because he almost walked out in front of a golf cart and he freaked out, pulled so hard that she almost fell over and screamed his head off
Anyway, it's scary to have to think about these kinds of situations but it's life, I guess
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dolorsofmary
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Thank you so much for all of your advice. I reread everything again because of a recent incident, my ds is now a 6yo and we are at a renewed local park with playground equipment so think that I cannot just sit and watch him, I have to get up and walk around and around to watch him otherwise I would not know where he is. so what is the big deal you ask? well my son talks to many many many people, kids, adults, he is VERY gregarious! and I too do not want to crush his innocence, apparently I have not The thing that alarmed me a little was since (as almost always) he could not find a friend (unless we have a preplanned playdate there and so he eventually gravated toward 2 boys (probably like 9 yos and 1 dad) tossing around a football. The thing that alarmed me was how the dad was dressed, i know now adays people dress differently and they still might be very good people but he reminded me of how maybe snoop dogg would dress (not that I listen or watch him AT ALL!) so because of that I was a little alarmed, my son wanted to play and it was a little painful to watch really because I kept my distance at first and then got a little bit closer, and it wasn't until I got a little bit closer (when they realized that he had a parent present and watching) that they even gave me a chance to throw the dog (that included the parent who looked like snoop dogg) He played quite a bit (well hung out and watched the ball being thrown around and sort of tried to run after it really,
so this gave me pause, he also went around talking to someo ther moms who were total strangers to ask about if a certain toy was theirs to see if they still wanted it so maybe he could keep it, it just made me think - what if he got away from me, or when he is older, hmmmm...what would he do,
i think i need to establish better rules.
I have an easel i use every morning - well mon-thurs. for homeschooling and I'm going to review some rules with this from now on every day so he knows
thank you!
if you have a reaction to what i wrote please add it. thank you!
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JodieLyn
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The one thing I would caution you on is the actual phrase "don't talk to strangers".. because if he's in actual danger who is he going to go to for help? the most likely person close by to get help from is going to be... a stranger too but the vast majority of people would help him wouldn't they? so you don't want him so paranoid of talking to someone he doesn't know that he can't or won't get help when he actually needs it.
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Sharyn
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You might find this book a good read Raising kids who can protect themselves by Debbie and Mike Gardner
As Jodie said we sometimes need to get help from strangers, and this book helped me to get more of an understanding about this.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: how teach stranger danger?
