| Author | |
kristacecilia
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 05 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 677
|
| Posted: Aug 23 2010 at 9:09am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
My 6 and 4 year old boys are best friends and worst enemies. They love to wrestle and fight. Sometimes it is play but usually it's that one has made the other mad and so the first punches/slaps/kicks/bites the second.
What do you do about fist fighting?
I wish there was a way to let them work it out on their own.
__________________
God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Aug 23 2010 at 9:42am | IP Logged
|
|
|
figure out a way to seperate them.. and start giving them words to use.. And direct them.. OK you(6) need to TELL your brother that you were using that item (and have him do so) and you (4) should ask if you might use it..
Basically lead them through a conversation of working it out without it being a fist fight.
Expect to do it many times.  but it does start to penetrate when you consistently take them through the formula of conversation in working it out.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: Aug 23 2010 at 11:18am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Give 'em some boxing gloves and throw 'em in the back yard! LOL! - Actually, I'm only half way kidding. Boys are physical. My boys, all 6 of them, throw down often - and they get over it as quick as it came on.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Pilgrim
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 28 2007
Location: Wisconsin
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1286
|
| Posted: Aug 23 2010 at 3:58pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Boys are definitely more pysical in all aspects, including disputes. Our two dss already have it out at 2 1/2 and 18 mo. They have tackled, bit, and popped each other in the face on a few varying occassions. I also grew upwith ALL brothers, and they get very physical, even in their current teenage years at times. Boys LOVE to wrestle, it seems they need the physical outlet with each other.
We discipline for biting or punching, but some of the physical tussling we just keep an eye on to make sure their not getting too upset by it.
We either give a spanking on thebottom, or set them down away from each other for punching or biting. Depending on the child, the strength of the discipline to get it accross that these are NOT acceptable, is important. It takes consistent discipline, and over time they understand that these things are going too far. The 2 year old is already starting to get better at stopping himself when he starts to swing at a sibling or goes to bite.
What Jodie said about teaching them what to do instead is also very important. Help them act it out, they'll get it eventually. 
__________________
Wife 2 my bf, g14,b8,g&b6,g4,g3,g1 1/2,4 ^i^
St. Clare Heirloom Seeds coupon 4Real 20% off
St. Clare Audio
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Aug 23 2010 at 4:28pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
oh yes.. when everyone is "having fun" as long as my house isn't in danger.. we let the physical wrestling things go on..
I draw the line at "if anyone is not having fun, it's not a game and it needs to stop"
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
CrunchyMom
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 03 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6385
|
| Posted: Aug 23 2010 at 4:52pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I second everyone else!
I will add that SOME OF THE TIME, I will simply pretend I didn't see it happen.
And VERY RARELY, when I have a good idea of what actually transpired, I will look at the child who is upset because he got hit and say, "well, do you think maybe you deserved it?" Because, really, they did.
Idk, I can't say my boys won't grow up into cut throats, and generally I do intervene when there is punching, slapping, or biting.
I'm actually contemplating getting a punching bag. Or maybe I'll have my husband fill a coffee bag with sand or straw and hang it in place of a swing? I think that might be a good outlet for these energies, cause in some way, I think that boys are programmed to want to experiment with punching and hitting and their brothers are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Aug 23 2010 at 8:44pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
With a firm and detached tone I say:
"Break it up. We don't hit in this family. You can use your words. Walk away. Get help. In that order."
When they are learning the habit of "use your words, walk away, get help", I will model the behavior and help them to use their words. If they come to me to get help, I will ask them "Did you use your words before coming to me?" If not, I send them back if they didn't.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
lapazfarm
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 21 2005
Location: Alaska
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 6082
|
| Posted: Aug 23 2010 at 9:35pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Angie Mc wrote:
With a firm and detached tone I say:
"Break it up. We don't hit in this family. You can use your words. Walk away. Get help. In that order."
When they are learning the habit of "use your words, walk away, get help", I will model the behavior and help them to use their words. If they come to me to get help, I will ask them "Did you use your words before coming to me?" If not, I send them back if they didn't.
Love,
|
|
|
Yes, this is almost to the word what I do as well with my 4 and 6yo grandsons.
I make it very clear that hitting is unacceptable in any circumstance and I am absolutely unequivocal on that point.
I also tell the one being hit that he can and should defend himself, but in no way is he to make it worse by hitting back. (This is mostly for the older one who tends to play the helpless victim--also not the healthiest choice).
I also lavish on the praise when I see one of them choosing to use their words or come to me for help.
Eventually it does sink in.
__________________
Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
kristacecilia
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 05 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 677
|
| Posted: Aug 24 2010 at 5:57am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thanks for all the advice, ladies.
I know the wrestling and physical stuff is normal, and I *think* it's important for the boys to be able to do those things- the competition, the physical stuff, etc.
I *DON'T* like when they hit one another out of anger or frustration. At least once a day I have that scenario above play out- one has something the other wants, the second won't just hand it over, so the first hits the second. Then the first usually gets hit back by the second. Lately I have just been telling them that I don't want to hear about it because they were both involved and they needed to use their words instead of their hands to solve their problem. Then I will usually help them with "What you could have said was, 'Joseph, when you are done with that toy may I please have a turn?' and then waited patiently for your turn."
Yeah... it doesn't seem to help. I guess maybe it's just another of those many phases that take years and maturity to actually get through and until then you just keep repeating yourself?
__________________
God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Becky Parker
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 23 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2582
|
| Posted: Aug 24 2010 at 8:19am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Krista, with 4 boys I know the frustration you are going through. They do need to learn how to resolve their issues without decking one another, but at the same time, as someone said above, boys just tend to be more physical.
When my boys start hurting each other on a regular basis I check to see that they have enough physical activity. If they've been watching too much tv or playing on the computer they tend to be more "wild" afterwards. Boys need activities that exert physical energy whether it is work or play. When my boys start really fighting, making them sit just seems to add to the frustration. Making them do something difficult that requires physical exertion, like running laps or moving the wood pile seems to work better for us. And, often, because they are doing it together, it is relationship building as well. I have a whole list of manual labor activities that I refer too when I need to discipline them in this way!
__________________
Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Aug 24 2010 at 10:33am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Krista, I've had time to think more about my response and hope that the following additions will help.
Our plan is based on both parents agreeing to a zero tolerance for lashing out with physical aggresion. If your dh feels that fighting is fitting for boys, then you will have a different/modified plan from the one I outline.
Our plan works as a whole that consists of 3 parts used in order. This helps with habit formation by naming 3 steps that are easy to name and do. I'll try to give a few examples of how it looks.
Quote:
Big Boy: Ha, I can take your toy any time I want.
Little Boy: Give me my toy back.
Big Boy: Make me!
Little Boy: I'm going to walk away and get help if you don't give me back my toy.
Big Boy: Snitch!
Little Boy walks away and comes to me. He tells me his side of the story.
Mom: Do you want me to get his side of the story?
Little Boy: No. I don't care about the toy.
Mom: Can I comfort you?
Little Boy: Yes {{{hugs}}} |
|
|
Or,
Quote:
Mom: Do you want me to get his side of the story?
Little Boy: Yes.
Mom takes Little Boy to Big Boy.
Mom: Little Brother, tell your side of the story. (He does.) Big Brother, tell your side of the story> (He does.) Now, who is going to do the right thing first?
Or
Mom: Your brother told me that he used his words, asking for you to return his toy. He also told me that you called him a name. He walked away and has asked for my help. Is that true? Briefly tell me your side of the story. |
|
|
The key is to give boys a chance to break it up, calm down, think and/or talk it through. By treating both sides with equal respect and giving each a way to "save face," then they are very likely to do what is right and move on.
Some important points that I added have to do with *my* behavior. I ask questions, get both sides of the story, and try as much as possible to stay out of it, giving them the tools to solve problems themselves.
Here's one more handy-dandy tool to close situations that began heated, worked through a resolution, and also need a closing, make amends.
Krista, I have 3 boys who are very active, athletic, physical, hot-tempered, and not particularly articulate . I don't believe that fist-fighting is a stage to be weathered. Physcial fighting is a behavior that families accept, limit, or reject. If you and your dh want to limit or reject this behavior, it will take a plan and a will to follow the plan, as with any other habit formation.
Today, I'll edit in any other tips that come to my mind about this topic:
*When you ask children to "use their words", don't be surprised if their words are harsh, blunt, or ugly. I might calmly say, "That's name-calling" which they know not to do but I don't get distracted by the words. Thank them for "using their words" even when their words aren't perfect.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Aug 24 2010 at 10:39am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Something that I think helps here is instead of "break it up" I use "step away".. because it also gives an actual direction which in the heat of the moment may be easier to understand and follow than an understood direction.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
kristacecilia
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 05 2010
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 677
|
| Posted: Aug 24 2010 at 11:16am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Angie,
That helps immensly. I am going to try this next time for sure.
Jodie,
Great point about 'step away' vs. 'break it up'. Definitely keeping that in mind.
__________________
God bless,
Krista
Wife to a great guy, mom to two boys ('04, '06) and three girls ('08, '10, '12!)
I blog at http://kristacecilia.wordpress.com/
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What to do with my fist-fighting boys
