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MindyG
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| Posted: June 10 2010 at 10:03pm | IP Logged
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Hi,
I often look here for helpful parenting advice. I have twins, almost 3 (boy/girl, our only children) who are being super challenging, and I am wondering if anyone here can give me some starting points for improving their behavior. I feel rather overwhelmed and feel like I am constantly convincing them (and sometimes bribing or threatening them - ie, if you don't do such and such, this will happen) to behave and/or do what I say.
They have tantrums at the drop of a hat over the tiniest things or if I don't fulfill some demand quickly enough. They rarely do what I say quickly, if at all without direct help from me. They argue, have excuses, tattle, fight,etc etc, all day long. Every little thing just feels like a battle. Time out does not seem to help, b/c they won't stay in time out. By the time time-out is over, I don't remember what they were in time out for, b/c I've had to put them in over and over, and/or come up with a new "punishment" for not staying in time out.
Any suggestions? I am having a hard time being cheerful with them even when they are behaving b/c I am exhausted. I know something (many things) need to change, but I don't know where to start. I knowing being calm is important and I am focusing on making that my priority. What else?
thank you in advance,
Mindy
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 10 2010 at 11:46pm | IP Logged
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wait about 6 months 
My kids either have a bad 2 yr old year or a bad 3 yr old year.. and usually by the half year things are beginning to improve remarkably.. mostly because they've grown for 6 months I think, very little to do with what I do.
Time outs.. you could use an internal harness carseat or stroller to put them in and buckle them in.
I usually find that something to curtail their freedom always works best for me.. most other things just aren't something that seems to leave an impression.
So like when out of the house, they will have the choice of staying close to me or wearing a harness.. they get one warning.. then I put on the harness.
At home, if you don't stay in the front yard, you can't go out front, only out back or in the house.. if you try and climb out of the back yard.. only in the house..
It doesn't work long term at this age.. but I usually get at least several days before the next "break out" 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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JennGM
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| Posted: June 11 2010 at 8:47am | IP Logged
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MindyG wrote:
| Any suggestions? I am having a hard time being cheerful with them even when they are behaving b/c I am exhausted. I know something (many things) need to change, but I don't know where to start. I knowing being calm is important and I am focusing on making that my priority. What else? |
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Mindy, I'm just a work in progress. I've got a 2 1/2 year old with similar struggles.
I found reading about habit training and formation really begins with me. It's the hardest of all. Simply Charlotte Mason's Laying down the Rails was helpful for me to see this, but I've read it other places.
Watch your responses. Make sure you respond and enforce immediately and the first time, because the children are gauging by your response.
If you give a command and they don't respond by the 4th time you say it, look at what you are doing. Make sure when you give the command you are able to follow through the first time you say it. At this age you will need to help them. So if you say, pick up your shirt and they don't respond, you need to get up and gently lead them to the shirt and help show them that they need to pick it up now.
That's a vague example, but right now it's important that your words and action enforce that the habit you are instilling is immediate response to the FIRST time you say something.
Some thoughts to when they are demanding something. My son is a screamer when he's not getting his way. What we are working is NOT responding to his demands except in a gentle voice saying things like, "I don't know what you want. You need to use words so I can understand you. Do you mean 'No, thank you, Mommy'?" etc. I wait until he stops screaming and can say it clearly what he wants, asking politely (please and thank you).
I do save the time outs when he's out of control and needs to calm himself down to respond properly to the situation.
Physical and eye contact is important when talking to them. Don't be looking at a computer screen or TV or book when giving commands. Talking calmly, touching their shoulder, looking into their eyes all relay good messages.
Anyway, these are the elements that I'm using and do see progress. But I know when you're exhausted it's hard to keep on your toes for that "first time" follow-up. Praying for you!
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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*Lindsey*
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| Posted: June 11 2010 at 11:54am | IP Logged
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Empathy coming from a mom with 2.5 year old twin girls! 
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Lindsey
Mama to DS (11), DD(9), twin dds(7), DD (5), DS (4), DS (3), and 5 angels in heaven.
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: June 12 2010 at 12:15pm | IP Logged
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To me it just sounds like the onset of the Terrible Three's. I think all three-year-olds are insane. They expect you to read their minds and go nuts when you can't. They get anal about the color of their drinking straw or cup. You think you can reason with them because they can talk so well, but their brains are really still babyish.
No solid answers except be prepared to pick your battles...and lots of sympathy.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
Box of Chocolates
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StefA
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| Posted: June 15 2010 at 5:45pm | IP Logged
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I really, really, like the website Raising Godly Tomatoes. I've found that implementing these methods has drastically improved things in our household. I'm probably not as consistent as the author is, though! 
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MindyG
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| Posted: June 15 2010 at 6:33pm | IP Logged
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Thank you, ladies, for the suggestions. I will take a look at that website. God bless!
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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 15 2010 at 8:20pm | IP Logged
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I think we all know where you're coming from. I'm on my 3rd and feel like it's the first time around! Lots of prayer and lots of deciding which battles to fight.
Right now, mine wears bathing suits, dress up clothes (mostly torn hand me downs) or ballet clothes (of which she has 2)...and that's it! And with a drawer full of nicer clothes, we battled for a while then she decided she would wear dresses but not shorts and t-shirts of which I have a slew of. She wore the same bathing suit 3 days already this week! And she won't wear socks so her feet always stink and sometimes she even sleeps in her shoes! I could go on and on w/ some ridiculous things she chooses (in my opinion). But for now I'm sticking w/ dealing w/ attitude and having her clean up her own messes when she acts out in anger by throwing her cup or the rug or whatever and apologizing if she talks mean.
I do the Supernanny thing for time-out. I set the microwave timer for 1 minute for time-out (yes she's almost 3 and it should be 3 min but I pretty much stand there over her until it goes off or she'll run off and trust me it feels like about 10 minutes! However, I don't look at her or talk to her. I keep her in the naughty spot w/ my back turned and just keeping putting her back w/o anything eye contact or words. Then when timer goes off I look her in the eye and repeat why she's there and ask her to pick up whatever or apologize. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't so we repeat. Then we all hug and move on. It's not always perfect but when it's done consistently (as much as you can), it does work. Today I didn't follow thru b/c I was trying to do dinner and was just tired and luckily dad came in and took over shortly after. Just try to pick your "discipline" (like the time-out) and stick w/ it even if it seems it's not working.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: almost 3 yr olds
