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insegnante
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| Posted: Feb 16 2010 at 4:47pm | IP Logged
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I'd appreciate input from other mothers who strive to nurse infants on demand, who generally "attachment parent" but maybe not in every detail, who would feel like weaning at 18 months was quite early, etc...
My daughter is almost 18 months old. I'm just trying to figure out when in keeping with this general philosophy, it is "reasonable" to say no to nursing her. I certainly don't nurse completely on demand anymore, but I'm not sure what's considered developmentally appropriate. Can I say no sometimes just because I don't feel like nursing her? Sometimes she just wants to lie here and nurse for so long, and she cries for more when I put her down even if I've been nursing and nursing! She's a very smart little girl and I'm wondering if a terrible 2's stage may come at an accelerated pace, too.
I am 9 weeks pregnant. Already my husband takes her much of the time when she wakes up in the night, and she can usually get back to sleep without being nursed. She virtually always nurses to sleep for the night and for naps though. I am fine with that and I am happy to still nurse regularly at other times too, but I just don't know if it is going to interfere with her emotional security or her bond with me to sometimes let her cry and say I'm sorry and offer hugs instead when she wants to nurse (more) and I just want to sit back or lie down (I can't nurse lying down.) As you might guess, she sure acts like it is upsetting her!! Or is this an appropriate age to expect her to accept more limits on my availability of this kind even if it not exactly necessary to place them?
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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doris
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| Posted: Feb 16 2010 at 5:04pm | IP Logged
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I'm no expert as I've only done extended breastfeeding with my youngest. In his case, I got to the end of my tether when he started literally pulling the buttons off my clothes when he wanted to nurse. When this happened at a family funeral, I decided enough was enough! He was 21 months at the time.
For me I felt like my resentment and frustration was outweighing the positive aspects of the nursing relationship so I decided to wean him during the day. I started wearing dresses so the non-availability was quite clear (and I wouldn't be tempted to give in without thinking hard about it first!). I carried on feeding him before nap and bed, first thing in the morning, and on demand at night. I always feed him in the same place (in a chair in my room, or in bed) so that's a good cue for him.
It was so much easier than I expected. Now he rarely asks for a feed in the daytime. Best of all, it gave me the courage to night wean him -- and I'm now getting a full night's sleep (still co-sleeping) for the first time in two years! I can't tell you how good that feels!
I don't know if this is all totally heinous in AP terms but it certainly feels like a very positive step for me and my son. He doesn't seem to be traumatised by the experience and I'm much saner for a bit of sleep.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 16 2010 at 5:52pm | IP Logged
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You have to also consider that this is the age when if you said no to anything they wanted.. they might also fall to the floor crying and kicking and screaming. And the way to deal with that is to basically ignore it and not give in. If you've given into the crying before.. she will of course use it to get you to do what she wants.
If you have alternatives it can also help.. like.. no, not now, let's go get a drink of water. Or.. no why don't you pick out a book and we can cuddle while we read it.
You can certainly say no to nursing and still provide other ways of staying connected.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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insegnante
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| Posted: Feb 16 2010 at 7:15pm | IP Logged
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Actually, I've been pretty firm with her for her own good not letting her screech her way to other things she wants, but with the nursing I question more what I should do, not knowing if this is or will be experienced by her as somehow more "about our relationship" than other things she might want.
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Theresa
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Feb 16 2010 at 7:15pm | IP Logged
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Reading this I am wondering if you are doing too much. Sounds like you and dh are night weaning. If you are trying to decrease daytime too it might be too much change too quickly? Just from what I am reading....I could be way off base.
I always tried to drop one feeding/nursing at a time. Then move on to another tough nursing time. I felt it was easier on both of us that way.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 16 2010 at 7:31pm | IP Logged
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Theresa, I think that's why you substitute other things.. no to nursing is not "go away" but no we're not going to nurse right now.. instead we can do this thing or that thing that we're still together and not pushing away the child even though nursing is no.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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insegnante
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| Posted: Feb 16 2010 at 8:15pm | IP Logged
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It's been a really moment-by-moment thing, no plan... so if I'm not totally exhausted, or my husband *is* totally exhausted, I may nurse her when she wakes up after I've gone to bed. And I normally nurse her if she wakes up before I've gone to bed. But she is definitely nursing less at night, and she's been seeing less of me given my tiredness and husband watching her while I nap, and that I was sick last week and spent tons of time in bed. So it seems that I'm not nursing her less during the day, I'm probably nursing her more, but she wants even more than that! Maybe she's compensating for the other changes. Also, her lower right canine tooth is smack in the middle of getting through her gum, so that could be adding to it.
Anyway, she's just spending and wanting to spend so much time latched on lately. It really is mostly a matter of physical discomfort from the positions I have to sit in, or tiredness that leads me to want her to do this less. But she's so cranky tonight, she was reacting similarly to seeing my husband leave to go to the store as to when I don't want to nurse, that I'm just letting her stay snuggled up and latched on for right now, without her having "screeched" me into it.
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Theresa
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 16 2010 at 8:50pm | IP Logged
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There are those moments when they just need it no matter what. 
Also consider that your supply might be suffering some from the pregnancy.. make sure you're getting enough and then more fluids, enough calories.. pregnant and nursing takes ALOT (I always laugh about eating like a high school football player) not to mention additional nutrition so good prenatal vitamins are a good idea too.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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melanie
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| Posted: March 03 2010 at 7:57am | IP Logged
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Theresa,
I've practiced attachment parenting ever since my super-high-needs oldest child dragged me into it 13 years ago.
She, incidently, didn't wean until a month before her fourth birthday, and even that was under a bribe,  . My next one weaned himself around 2 1/2, and the current toddler, 21 months old, I *think* will be weaned before this baby comes in April. She still nurses every few days, but that's about it. She will be my youngest one to wean by far! But then again, if my milk comes in before she actually weans, I may be nursing her for quite a while after all, lol...
I think it's entirely appropriate to start setting some limits on nursing with toddlers. Around this age, my kids were basically getting to the point where they were nursing to go to sleep and maybe early in the morning (if they woke up before I was ready to get up!). Of course, they would want to nurse if they got hurt or were sick. If they were obviously distressed, I wouldn't deny them. FWIW, my current toddler was still nursing a few times a day when I first got pregnant, but in the second trimester she lost interest. I think whatever milk I had left dried up then. She's also been my only finger-sucker, and I think that has a lot to do with her earlier weaning.
Also, I always save night weaning for last. Not saying you have to, but we co-sleep until, well, a long time, and so that's just been easiest for us to deal with and it's usually what they are most attached to. They drop daytime nursings pretty easily, and as they drop their naps, I find those nursings usually drop too, and as they (eventually) sleep in their won beds, that takes care of any remaning bedtime nursing too.
My only couple of pieces of concrete advice would be, 1., if she wants to nurse and you are trying to put her off, staying laying/sitting down with her will probably just be frustrating. My toddler who nurses every few days, when she does nurse, it's always because I am laying on the bed and she has climbed up with me. This is a cue to her, lol. So, you might say, "Oh, nuhnuh's are for bedtime (or whatever limits you want to set, but let's go read/get a snack/whatever you think she will go for". This will be a pain, especially when you are tired and want to sit, but it's less frustrating I think than to try and snuggle or something where they are so "available". If she likes to nurse upon waking (this was an issue for my oldest), try to get up before her or bed ready to jump up and get breakfast as soon as she wakes up. You can always try it by saying something like, "Oh, nuhnuhs are for bedtime, let's just snuggle", and then if she doesn't go for it, then say, "Ok, let's go get a cup and a snack instead" kind of thing.
Second, be ready for this new stage in her relationship with you. She is still doing these long nursings because she wants the momma face-time. Make sure you are giving her other ways to get it as you wean. Spend lots of time with her in other ways doing big girl things while you are weaning. I know that's hard, you are tired and first-trimestering and all.
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Chris V
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| Posted: March 03 2010 at 9:45am | IP Logged
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Theresa, you've already received so much good advice and words from the ladies here, and I don't have too much to offer you. However, I just wanted to write and let you know that I think it is wonderful that you take such care and consideration for your girl. This age can bring forth so many emotional complexities with life ~ your mommy-instincts are wonderful, and it will all work out well  .
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: nursing toddler -- when to say no?
