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amyable
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| Posted: Jan 22 2010 at 7:24am | IP Logged
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Hi Ladies, I hope this is OK to post about my situation, as my problem really is all with *me* and my reaction and not something dh is or is not doing.
Dh has some chronic pain issues now - that range from mild to severe with little rhyme or reason. (FYI he knows what's going on and it's back/hip injury related -as far as we know - but some days he's OK and some days he's not)
I'm having trouble dealing with it. Mostly, I believe, due to my past with a chronically injured/in pain mother and HER way of dealing with it. But I'm living in TODAY and need to function with my dh. I never know how much to do for him - I want to help out when he is hurting, but that leaves me jumping around like a total fool and completely frazzled by the end of the day. For example, just this morning I didn't want him to have to lift the gallon of milk because he was really sore from forgetting  to ice after PT. So imagine me leaping up from the table to pour milk for the child on his end of the table (where the milk was). Multiply this by 100x all day long.  I feel like I never known what my role should be, and it does change day to day. How to deal with that?
The other thing is my envy/jealousy - he's not the only one that hurts on any given day, but I just "deal" with my pain and try to ignore it myself. He's not like that and because *I'm* going out of my way by leaps and bounds (literally, see above  ) to help him, I feel unloved and uncared for and alone when I'm left limping and or totally anxiety ridden by the end of the day and not getting any help. Again, this is MY issue, he is doing nothing wrong. But how to fix this in myself?
Oh, one more thing, what do you do when you are BOTH down for the count on a given day. Or even just both "in semi-bad shape" so that you are functional but really dragging, for example? Isn't there some unwritten rule of the universe that says both spouses aren't supposed to be having trouble at the same time?
Thanks for any insights on these things, I know I can't be the only one who deals with this.
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Jan 22 2010 at 8:49am | IP Logged
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I don't have any particular advice, Amy, but I am praying for both of you.
Peace,
Nancy
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LucyP
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| Posted: Jan 22 2010 at 1:13pm | IP Logged
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I've had similar issues with my dh at times - with a fractured spine and ongoing issues. For me, the only real thing was honesty about my feelings of wanting to love/support so much but feeling burned out and run ragged, and to get communication going so when I was doing more physical helping he was conscious that I *needed* more prayers, more emotional support, more loving words. I also found that being really honest was also a good way to make sure I didn't "over-care" and not give the chance to do more, and so that I was doing what was most helpful to him. But once you start factoring in the physical and emotional effort of mothering on top of this sort of thing, it is soooo hard at times. I said a prayer for you both.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 22 2010 at 1:32pm | IP Logged
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Well remember that the kids should be able to help to.. even little ones will love to fetch and carry.
And plan ahead. pour the milk before you sit down to the meal. If it's a second glass, have the milk near you instead of the other end of the table. Or pour some milk into a smaller container to have on the table so that the kids can pour their own milk.. have a bowl with sponge on the table so they can also clean up spills with relative ease.
And set up for days when you both may be down ahead of time. Have meals in the freezer or some other sort of heat and eat thing. Even fairly young kids can help with this. My 8 yr old scrubbed potatoes and greased them and added them to the oven for stuffed baked potatoes last night. All that had to happen to finish off dinner was to cook some broccoli. (that's my favorite.. baked potato with broccoli and cheddar cheese)
Have you considered any alternative things? for instance pineapple helps speed healing of soft tissue injury including muscle soreness and bruising. So does the homeopathic arnica. You can simply eat fresh pineapple or you can get capsules of bromelain (the enzyme in pineapple) and if you're not pregnant ginger helps and the combination of pineapple and ginger together is more than the sum of the two taken seperately. You can get both in capsules but a pineapple smoothie with some fresh ginger grated into it is very yummy... some ice cream or yogurt would help buffer the acid if that bothers you.
And while you want to help, maybe there are things that he's perfectly capable of doing even if he's sore that you shouldn't be doing for him. If you're only doing what's *needed* it's easier to not feel resentment rather than if you're going above and beyond (which may not be really helpful) and then feeling like you're doing all this extra and not being thanked.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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AnaB
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| Posted: Jan 23 2010 at 10:29am | IP Logged
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I feel for you Amy. My husband has heart issues and was in and out of the hospital every two to four weeks for two years. He also has back issues.
I ran myself ragged trying to take care of him. Ultimately, he is an adult. He can take care of himself. I really had to realize that. I can hold the fort down but I can't be his only help. I stopped being the medication police (feeling responsible to remind him for his every dose). They do start to depend on that.
But I have found that it is better for them and their healing if they take more responsibility for it. Be there to help but don't feel responsible to prevent his every pain--that's way beyond what's needed.
Lovingly scale back. Give the jealousy to God (I had to daily!!), and do what you can and rest in Christ to fill in the rest. Men handle pain and illness very differently than us and I think that we are not doing them any favors by mothering them to death. That said, I am compassionate and do give hugs and help. But if this is a chronic thing, you cannot function on empty.
I'm writing this really quickly. I hope this is helpful.
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His By Grace, AnaB blessed WIFE to Jeff and mama to 4 blessings!
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Veronika
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| Posted: Jan 25 2010 at 8:54am | IP Logged
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Oh Amy! I could have written your post!!!! Because of my husband's inability to drive or even walk at times, I had to take over alot of the physical parenting tasks too, and quit the things that were giving me emotional and spiritual support (ie. holy hours, involvement in my Carmelite third order....that was the most painful) I began to feel as if God was slowly sculpting away every support and every joy and I didn't know how much longer I could keep all this up, or what He was going to take from me next! I now see things differently, of course. Take comfort in knowing that the Lord truly does know what we can handle, and what is absolutely necessary suffering. He won't ask you to do this unless it will produce some greater spiritual good, and trust me,it will. Thanks be to God, the last round of steroid injections has produced some lasting results and he's feeling somewhat better now. When they don't feel well their pain pervades through the whole house! After several years of walking on eggshells and leaping through hoops to keep ahead of him, we're finally coming back around to some peaceful and, dare I say it, happy moments around here. My advice: pray a novena to St. Gemma Galgani. She had meningitis herself and knows back pain. She helped us and I'm sure she'll intercede for you too. So will I! 
God Bless!
__________________
Veronika
devoted wife and Apostolate of Holy Motherhood Mom of 5 precious children: daughter '94, son '96, son '98, and twin daughters '02...
and one little girl in heaven
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juststartn
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| Posted: Feb 02 2010 at 2:07pm | IP Logged
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Coming in late, but my DH has back issues, too. They will be permanent (injuries sustained over the years of Army service)...there is no surgical option, unfortunately (no spinal curvature left, multiple disc herniations, pinched nerves, etc).
I'll admit, I have my days when the "great, just what I needed, another child to care for"--only this latest one is bigger than me, louder than me, and mostly, cuter than me, too  . I realize my DH is not another child, and I would welcome another pregnancy/new baby...cause they don't come out 45 yrs old, VERY loudly demanding and helpless in a way that only a formerly 'able' DH can be...irritated to be so helpless, medicated to cut the pain, etc...sigh.
I don't really have any great advice. DH's issues only really started up in the spring of 06, after his last tour in Afghanistan. We ended up being medically retired in the spring of 08. So we're still really in the "what works" stage (things didn't get really really bad until the spring of 07, and then he got deployed...ugh).
Weather tends to affect my DH a great deal (low pressure systems moving in/out/sitting overhead), and so we have to try and look ahead. If he has done ANYTHING physical, whatsoever...ridden/driven for a few hours the day before, etc, we can expect problems that evening or the following day/s. As far as what works for us? Doing what I can do to eliminate him having to do anything, ahead of time. One of those "pave the way" things. As one of the other ladies mentioned, keep the milk with you, pour the milk in somewhere else, etc. Basically, when my DH's back flares up (it is always in a low-level of pain/problem, but as I mentioned above, sometimes it will just flare up 'all of a sudden'), he doesn't do anything. He sits, or he lays down. He's medicated, so driving is out (no going to work), child care is out, etc. I don't remember how old your dc area (mine are all 10 and under), but the younger that they are, the harder it is for him.
We try to just keep things as smoothly running, as quiet as possible, keep up on the chores, do the minimum of schoolwork, etc. If we can, we try to go out without him, so he can rest and not have the younger set trying to be with him (Daddy being home is always a holiday around here, and it is seriously like having the Beetles and Elvis arrive at the same airport at the same time when he gets home from work every. single. day. Yep....so you can imagine how exciting it is when Daddy doesn't go to work...
I do have difficulties, feeling as if no matter how *I* feel, I've got to keep going. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it-- He has flat out told me that. "I cannot do it--you have to"...even when his back is not bad. It makes it very very difficult to recovery from things when one does not get a "break" in the action. I was sick for close to two months in late 08, but there was no respite. There could not be. I love my DH, dearly, but there is no time to stop, short of death, at least until the children leave home.  
So I just keep trudging on. I have told DH that he had better hope I don't ever end up in the hospital, because I will not be inclined to signing myself out AMA! The dc are learnign to do all of the chores around here, and that is good, but it still requires someone to supervise, and he just doesn't.
Anyway, know my prayers are with you, ALL of you!
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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amyable
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| Posted: Feb 02 2010 at 2:18pm | IP Logged
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Just popping in to thank all you lovely ladies for your thoughts and prayers. I so appreciate the time you take to "talk" with me.
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Gloria JMJ
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| Posted: Feb 14 2010 at 10:48pm | IP Logged
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I came here a while ago to lurk and had you all on my mind today during my rosary. I'm in a very simaler situation and the underappreciation gets me once in a while  . So I wanted to wish all of you a
Happy St. Valentines Day!!!!!!
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Smoothing Stones Holy Family Rosaries
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Feb 15 2010 at 2:10pm | IP Logged
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Amy,
So sorry to hear that your husband is suffering so. I am sure that creates a lot of stress for you too as it is hard to care for an adult, much less a man since you are balancing between your natural womanly caretaking instincts (which tends to cater to babies and children) and also not wanting to step on his manly pride by doing too much. It is a delicate act. I would maybe ask him what specifically you could do to be helpful. Men usually like the direct approach. I think we sometimes confuse or project what WE would like or think would be helpful, when the men sometimes want something entirely different.
For example, my mother always checked on my when I had the flu or was sick, always brought me broth and toast and again, I was always checked up on. (Of course this was as a child, but I would still like to be remembered while ill.) My husband on the other hand, would rather be left alone in a dark room when he is ill and not bothered much. So, we want very different things. So, not only do you have the memory of your mother and what her needs were, you also have what YOU think would be helpful in the mix. Tell him that you want to be helpful but don't want to over do it.
Also, you don't want to make him feel like a burden. My husband is nauseus, pretty much perpetually, for reasons unknown to us and he is often embarrased by how it incapacitates him in family life. So he would often not talk about it and would rather I didn't either. (with him) So, honesty is the best policy!
Take time for yourself too. If you can get the kids to rest at some point during the day, by all means rest, or if he is feeling well and can watch them, take a guilt free rest period. During my infant son's recent illness, I tried to just not sleep at all, silly in retrospect, but I felt so guilty for sleeping with a tiny infant in the hospital bed. Although he was totally safe, sleeping was not my vision of being a "good mom". Being a good mom is doing what you need to do to keep yourself going to be a caretaker etc. So, don't feel guilty about this and maybe if you can't have your husband watch the littles (back won't take the lifting etc.) then maybe see if you can get some help to come in. I know one family who had a little girl who had brain damage due to immunizations. They had a nurse that came in at night so they could actually sleep as she had to be watched at all times. So, maybe there is a teenager that could come over for an hour here or there? I would try to get to bed earlier if possible too. Rest is a big factor to keep yourself going.
Anyway, hope this all makes sense. Prayers for a solution and peace coming.
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Dealing with chronically injured/ill dh?
