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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 9:35pm | IP Logged
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Here is my problem: We live what feels like a pretty contented life here. We have very little outside involvement. My oldest is gone. The others all enjoy each other and homeschooling. Numbers 2 & 3 have played baseball over the years. #3 plays basketball. The younger girls have two activities, Little Flowers and Girls' Tea, which each meet once a month. #3 gets to hang out with the brothers of the girls in these groups on those days.
Other than that, we don't have a "social" life really. Dd13 doesn't want to do the youth group and says she doesn't want to do things outside the house. She doesn't see or talk to any friends on a usual basis. Ds12 doesn't express a desire to do more, but he is the type of kid who wouldn't ask for something if he thought it would be hard for me. But he really doesn't have any friendships.
My younger ones, girls 10, 8, 6 and 3, seem very content with each other. They enjoy their clubs but don't ask for more. I have never had the money for dance lessons or anything like that. They did play homeschool soccer last spring. I worry though that I should try harder to give them some opportunities like I did their older siblings.
They all seem happy. So, why am I all of a sudden really worried that they need something else? While the rest of the world is trying to simplify their schedules, I am wondering if I need to do more. I am truly happy just being home. I certainly don't want to be running kids all over the place or pushing friendships that my kids aren't asking for.
How do you know? Is there a "minimum"? What about a boy who is surrounded by sisters? What does he "need"? My oldest boy demanded time with friends. He couldn't stand being home all the time. This boy enjoys his sisters, and enjoys his baby brother, and enjoys his time alone.
I am just thinking out loud and wondering if your families go through a similar process of discerning and re-evaluating.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 9:46pm | IP Logged
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hmm we do sports.. generally ones that anyone old enough can play at some level (swim team and lacrosse) and scouts. We have homeschool group meeting once a month.. and there's 3 families at the moment that meet regularly so we just plan whatever we want whether it's to just get together or for learning something together or whatever.
That's more than busy enough for me.. but there are times like right now.. when I refuse to do winter sports.. and we haven't quite started spring sports that I am going NUTS because the kids really need that physical outlet... no wait.. *I* need the kids to have that physical outlet  And I certainly wouldn't be doing all this if I didn't find that in the long run the trade off was worth it.
Scouts.. scouts is different.. there's flexibility to some extent and there's such a variety of things they learn and has such a good reputation that it is rather seperate from other outside activities especially since many of them are things that we want them to learn some about anyway.
But then we are literally a family of extroverts.. even my somewhat loner child loves loves loves to go places. If there's anyone to talk to or play with we have to pry ourselves away if we need to get somewhere else on time.. or if the other person does 
There is NOTHING though that makes any of those things a good in and of themselves.. if they're not good for our family. Yes we can be busy but it's adding to our lives not taking away. Things are often better for everyone here when we are busy.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 9:53pm | IP Logged
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We rethink these issues every time we move.
Ds likes to have friends who are like him - this was via baseball and youth activities at our last home, but now comes via our co-op. He's an introvert, and doesn't need to be in a huge group of peers to recharge.
Dd is 110 percent extrovert and really needs social time. She loves co-op, church choir, dance classes, etc. (She gave up all sports except archery to give herself more dance time.) She does, truly, need to be in a pack of pals to rejuvenate her spirit. (She is like her dad; ds is like me.)
I think your arrangement is just fine if everyone seems content. You'll know if they aren't, really! If your son is introverted he will recharge alone (reading, room time, whatever) and that is just fine.
Perhaps your time would be best spent figuring out which of your children at home are introverts and extroverts - the extroverts will need more "friend" or "team" time, but the introverts may or may not. If everyone is happy with life now, that is wonderful. You can plan ahead for your extroverts (and look for, say, church groups or other free group events to help them recharge their temperament batteries) without feeling as though you are depriving anyone of anything. You're not.
Both of my children gave up team sports four years ago in favor of archery, dance, Scouts and other individual activities. No one has suffered. We do the things I have time to do (as chauffeur, volunteer, etc.) and everything else is done by other people's kids. That's fine. We are not superheroes, we are parents, and God has given us the things we need to fulfill that vocation.
It sounds as though your children are content - a sign you're on the right track!
{{{hugs}}} because it is hard to be a mom in the era of zillions of formal kid activities...but you'll see, I think, in time, that the bonds among your children are more precious than any outside activities that you could provide.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 9:59pm | IP Logged
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And I think that's one of the best definitions of introvert or extrovert..
introverts need time alone to recharge, even if they enjoy being with groups of people they will tend to find it draining and be tired afterward.
extroverts recharge with a group.. when they're with a group they come away on a high and keep it even after things relax and slow down.. they're not tired from it.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 10:04pm | IP Logged
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Is there a point where you push when they say they don't want to do something? Ds12 doesn't want to do scouts, he doesn't want to be an altar server. Dh says leave him alone and let him decide. But I have that voice in me saying ds18 didn't want to do those things either. If I had made him maybe his life would be different. 
Sports have not been a friend-making activity for my kids. Basketball is way too short, and they haven't really connected with kids on baseball teams. I think this is because we are different.
Dd10 is the closest one to an extrovert, at this point. She loves people, but I think she gets what she needs from her twice a month activities and her sisters.
I just worry that I am too comfortable and may be missing signs. Also, the kids know that this is how our life is and none of them question it. That doesn't mean that it is always the best answer for each of them.
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 10:07pm | IP Logged
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What Jodie said.
When I figured out that dh was an extrovert and ds and I...weren't...life got way, way better. I figured out that the best way to help dh through tough work weeks was to do the last thing I, personally wanted to do - invite a bunch of folks over for dinner.
When dd was born we knew almost immediately that she was an extrovert like her daddy. She flops and mopes through schoolwork only to perk up as soon as she's in a group setting.
These things can't be changed - God gave us our temperaments. Learning to work with them is wonderful. I think, Molly, you've figured most of this out already. You don't need to second-guess what's working for you, IMHO. (What works for any critics and their families might not work for your children, really!)
If everyone's happy and learning right now, then external critics aren't seeing what you know to be true - it's working.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 10:19pm | IP Logged
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teachingmyown wrote:
| Is there a point where you push when they say they don't want to do something? Ds12 doesn't want to do scouts, he doesn't want to be an altar server. Dh says leave him alone and let him decide. But I have that voice in me saying ds18 didn't want to do those things either. If I had made him maybe his life would be different. |
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honestly? yes, this, a little.
i think if i had made dd do more things then things would not have gone the way they did when she went to college. she kept up with wanting to be more alone, not wanting to try things, etc.
bad, bad outcome.
i think being involved in some things is good.
now - i am a major introvert and home body.
but.
idk how to describe the line. i can't - but i know it is there. there is a difference between being an introvert and needing alone time to re-charge, and being more...isolated? non-social? i can't figure out the right words here. but i feel the difference.
so - yes - it is very important for us for the other two to be involved in things.
now - i don't think every second needs to be filled and they shouldn't have down time etc. not at all.
but.
sigh.
i wish i knew how to say this better.....
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 10:30pm | IP Logged
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Well for something like Church, there are ways to contribute that are rather on the spot.. alter server, choir, etc. But there must be ways to contribute behind the scenes. Wiping down walls that the regular janitor doesn't get to for instance,or maybe the Church as people would be doing chores for older members or shut ins. There must be someway he can contibute. And it's more important in some ways that you contribute to something to feel a part of it than that you take from it.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Jan 21 2010 at 10:31pm | IP Logged
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I am an introvert, too, but I did not push my introvert ds into things he wasn't already part of. He liked Scouts - I pushed him within that organization but did not force him into our church youth group. He enjoyed baseball but didn't want to cope with a new coach and team when we moved (and he was going into high school grades). I agreed as long as he found other sports, which he did (archery and cycling). He definitely did not want to altar serve. We didn't push that either. He doesn't like being on public view - regardless of activity/sponsor. That is fine. He was raised in the volunteerism family and learned the value of helping the community in Scouting. If he never volunteers again, he's more than done his share already via his time in three different troops.
We've learned that we should push - a little - within the groups/activities our introverts enjoy. (Yes, that includes me.) This generally works out okay. Asking our children to go way outside their comfort zones...not so much.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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ALmom
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I would listen carefully to dh? They are often given insight into our boys - and such, but do talk to him about why you feel antsy. Is it just a fear because of your previous experience, or is there something else? Is there something you notice that just makes you pause.
It is quite normal and fine for some to be big homebodies - and to be totally uninterested in things outside the home for many years - actually one of mine just started doing some things in the last year or so (around 14). He is still quite content at home, but his goals have led him to some group activities (generally things that are not 100% social but involve doing something he likes are preferred over the events like the swing dance).
One of mine has a temperment that is more introverted - stay at home, doesn't particularly like to talk, hates being on the spot, doesn't want to do anything that someone else might see unless he is confident that he has it down perfectly. Some of this you work with - but try to help them grow too with gentle encouragement- in little, comfortable baby steps and tempering that perfectionism some. It doesn't mean they have to be in huge crowds and if forced into very uncomfortable situations it will make it worse - but getting over the hurdle of any factors of fear of failure is an important thing for them. Sometimes just giving them time - these are not going to be budding socialites at 10, by 15 they can be comfortable in a group situation (not the life of the party, necessarily, but able to hold their own, enjoy an event and converse or draw others in). This child simply doesn't have the same social needs as others in the family who are more extroverted and don't tend to be go, go, go folks (yipee), but they do need to get to a point that they are confident, comfortable and not awkward in social settings - even if they will always be way more rejuvenated by a quiet time with a good book in the privacy of their own room with no one else around.
What we found most helpful is gentle encouragement without being a nag or pushy. Allowing them to take their time getting comfortable with something - but being on the lookout for positive situations that will entice them and help them get outside positive reinforcement which then builds their sense of success and helps them to become increasingly more comfortable in those settings. So being alert to bring opportunities (things you are pretty reasonably certain they will really enjoy or will help them toward one of their own goals) to their attention - but accept their answer even if it is no way. If they seemed hesitant, we would encourage with an option to just observe or check it out ... If they were repeatedly adament not doing something, sometimes we asked (very casually) if there was a particular reason - and often there was a good one - and the answer gave us insight into what this child needed. Serving with a religious community was fine - but not our parish at first (difference was how they approached training. Sisters did it one on one until they and you both felt ready; the parish had 30 kids in a room, walked through it as an example once and then threw people out there to try it once and then you were scheduled for Mass). Now, one son, no big deal - he never makes mistakes anyways  . Another son - no way was he going to take the chance of making a butchery out of things and detracting from the Mass. In many ways, the hesitant boy was wiser in this particular situation. He observed a lot, and was careful before committing and would take his time deciding what to do and how to handle things. After 2 years of training and serving with the sisters, he was ready to take on training for our parish - not before.
The other factor is that this child and his temperment - he just is not going to be rushed. If he feels pushed or rushed, he'd rather not. Given time to observe without committing gives him a chance to think it through. Once decided - its all out and everything is fine.
Siblings are wonderful too. You mention that your ds has lots of sisters. You may be surprised as they get older, how much the sisters can get their brother to do. Mine, his sisters drag him to all the dances - but they also provide private lessons at home before he goes! I could have encouraged and encouraged this until I was blue and it would have had no effect. (Of course neither dh or I can dance either so we couldn't have provided that essential training).
Janet
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Erin
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teachingmyown wrote:
Is there a point where you push when they say they don't want to do something?
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I'm nudging er pushing dd16 now. She is an introvert (I'm an extrovert) so I try to respect the differences but we are both learning together.
My plan is to try to help her make the transition from home to the wider community whilst still at home, therefore we are looking at volunteer work, paid work and clubs to help. I can't say I am necessarily correct, this is my first child but that's the path
we are traveling. Remember this is our child, our family I can't presume to know what's best for you.
Also please note that I am talking about a 16 yr old, I'm not worrying about the others yet, there is plenty of time for them.
Listen to your dh and pray for Our Lord to show you.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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LisaR
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I've "made" my kids play a group sport through Park district- for PE!!! They all ended up being glad we had them do it!
we also have our sons become altar servers at age 10- the age they start around here- religious education!
Dh helps lead boy scouts so they do that too.
we try to not make a big deal about any of these three areas- we just act very matter of fact "altar server training is Wed night- dad will go with you at 7."
dh and I both do alot of ministry type work but tend to be introverted.
there is nothing we'd like better than to all hunker down every day and night when we don't have work-related stuff to do.
none of my kids have been the type (so far) to ask for playdates, etc..
my oldest ds is in High School, and I will say that his experience with Scouts, Altar Serving (he even became a pontifical server at the Cathedral), and Sports made him feel very comfortable and socially prepared to discern what and who to get invovled with and what/who to avoid, and this has proved to be far more valuable over the past few years than if he were academically prepared enough!
I'm thinking this would bode the same for college?
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
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Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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LisaR
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cactus mouse wrote:
teachingmyown wrote:
| Is there a point where you push when they say they don't want to do something? Ds12 doesn't want to do scouts, he doesn't want to be an altar server. Dh says leave him alone and let him decide. But I have that voice in me saying ds18 didn't want to do those things either. If I had made him maybe his life would be different. |
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honestly? yes, this, a little.
i think if i had made dd do more things then things would not have gone the way they did when she went to college. she kept up with wanting to be more alone, not wanting to try things, etc.
bad, bad outcome.
i think being involved in some things is good.
i wish i knew how to say this better.....
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what you mention Laura is something that more than a few "well seasoned" moms mentioned to dh and I early on in our marriage when we were excitedly looking into homeschooling. I suppose if I think about it, this may have been what shaped us into making some of the decisions that we have....
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Nina Murphy
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Molly, THANK GOD. You are living a pretty content life, your kids are fairly if not WELL-contented....that is a blessing. Look, think of how many kids are NOT. Who do not have a happy or stable home life, who do not feel that harbor at home, and cant' wait to get out....
You are mooring them. I think it is pretty darn impossible to be that sheltered in the culture we live in today. SO.... it sounds very well like you may just have that blessed balance and your kids know instinctively what they've got and what is "out there"..... and believe me, they know in time, they will gradually have to wean more and more and will be pulled more and more away from home.
It may be a temptation....you may have an evil voice making you doubt. ???
What does your husband think? Your pastor? The kids themselves. Our own anxieties and feelings as mothers can sometimes not be an accurate guage. Well, at least speaking for myself....
Just a quick thought....
Thank you, GOD! 
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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Bookswithtea
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Overall, I think that our culture does too much and does not give most kids or adults the time and space that people need to grow. Doing an activity with the girls every other week is fine, imho. They have each other and I don't think more is necessary.
The only slight concern I would have is for the ds who doesn't have a boy/brother to pal around with. We did go out of our way to get our borderline introvert/extrovert boy involved in an activity. We had to force him into Scouts (he's slow to warm up), which ended up being a very good thing. Once he got over the hump, he warmed up and loved it. We also didn't make altar serving a choice, although that isn't really an avenue for friendships and socializing.
I don't think Scouts is ideal for every kid. We were looking for something that was all male, since ds's next three siblings were younger girls, and it was close to home, the schedules aren't as difficult to work with as sports, and once the uniform is purchases, the expenses are fairly gentle. So it just fit our criteria for our situation.
I think Nina is right though, that sometimes our motherly anxieties are not an accurate gauge, which is why its important to rest in dh's input as well.
Overall, I wouldn't be alarmed. Maybe just pray about something that fits your family's criteria for your son?
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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BrendaPeter
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Hi Molly,
We also did very little outside activity for many years but now that our oldest ds is 15 1/2 WOW!! He's gone from being very shy and content to VERY social. He's interested in Civil Air Patrol (a wonderful activity!) and, on his own, brought home the application. Since he won't be home much longer, so my husband and I are committed to helping him pursue his interests. So I'm trying to say that I think things will change for you very soon.
Now that our baby is already 5 years old, my husband & I are being more drawn to Catholic action. We've started attending a monthly Pro-Life Mass that is followed by praying the Rosary in front of the abortion clinic. This is the 1st year I took our oldest two to the March for Life.
God will surely let you know when things need to get "kicked up a notch"!
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Blessings,
Brenda (mom to 6)
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florasita
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Molly I think our lives change and evolve . Our two younger kids have a far less social life then our eldest 4 did . I used to be constant driving the girls to dancing , both girls and boys to soccer , outings to museums , field trips etc.Our older boys took art classes after school hrs too . Even our family times have changed .Where we used to head off camping , to the cottage , take a summer trip , go to many festivals . We don't do any of it any longer .
The boys take swim lessons once per week . We did karate too but stopped that now . We like to go snowshoeing , skating & sliding instaed . Where I used to be the nieghbourhood mum on the block . Always having our older childrens friends in busy busy busy .Now there are just no more children on our street ! How crazy is that . Our boys have two families we see and play with etc. These are also our very close friends as well .ds14 has sung with the choir , we have jam nights sometimes that kind of thing .
I took ds9 adventure boy camping for the very first time this past summer ! It wasn't even really camping because it was in my mum's backyard things are just different a new faze not better or worse . We may not go camping but we now go to the cottage for at least 3 months out of the yr , visit my mother often etc. do our drives out for forest walks etc.
we have potlucks with family & friends Our lives are so quiet now it is very peaceful and I like it this way .
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May I rise & rest with words of Gratitude on my Breath
May I have the Heart & Mind of a Child in my Depth
May I forever remember to be a Light
May Peace Love & Hope be My Sight
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Friends, lessons, necessary?
