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happymama
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 12:15pm | IP Logged
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Okay, maybe a no-brainer, but wanted to share a frustration and see if anyone has a word of advice or encouragement.
I have a friend who lives a block away - her moving here was a God-send to me. She has 3 littles and I have 4, and we rely on each other for babysitting, and occasionally alternate watching kids for date nights. However, I rarely ask her to watch my kids - like once when I had to take a kid to ER for stitches, I sent my older 2 down to her house. About once a week she asks me to watch one or two of her kids so she can do various things like helping out in her son's public school classroom or doctor appnts. Her children are very, very active and difficult & messy for me to watch. (Think fighting over toys, spreading toys all over, climbing on top of tables, pooping in diapers...)
I have really buckled down for January, and am doing a ton of school work with my kids, and feeling completely maxed out just trying to do everything I want to each day. So when she called last night and said "you got anything going on in the morning?" I said, "just school" and she said "I have this dr. appnt, can you watch the 1yo for about 90 min.?" I said yes, but my heart sank... I'm trying so hard to give my older children a great month, kwim? Their educational desires have been pushed aside so often because of my little 2... What would you do? Do you ever say no to a friend in need? Am I being way too selfish in my desires? And to clarify, if her appointment had just been in the afternoon, it wouldn't have been an issue. We are morning-schoolers here. ;)
TIA
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 12:28pm | IP Logged
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What if you set some parameters? Explain that you are really buckling down with school. Then tell her that you are available one or two afternoons a week. Then she can plan appointments and such around those guidelines. You are a great friend, but really she needs to take more responsibility in her planning. She should have asked you if you were available *before* she made the appointment.
Of course, there will be emergencies where you could be willing to help out but your kids need to come first. Since she doesn't homeschool, she probably just doesn't realize the actual work involved.
Good luck!
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 12:32pm | IP Logged
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And don't call it "just school". How about.. "we have a very full schedule with school and my attention is needed for teaching at that time. If you could reschedule for the afternoon, I'd be available"
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 12:56pm | IP Logged
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Oh gosh...first, you are GREAT friend!!!!!!!! You are beyond a GREAT friend!! WOW..... Too selfish?! I don't think the word selfish in describing yourself should even be on your radar!
However, your family and their needs must come before hers. It sounds like you should be able to politely let her know that you're not available for morning sitting because that's school time. What Jodie said sounds great too and of course, there are obvious exceptions to emergencies.
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Sarah M
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 1:18pm | IP Logged
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Ooh. Yes. Been there. That's a tricky situation.
I just started saying "Sorry. I can't. We are really focusing on school in the mornings, and I'm not available."
My dh has allowed me to use him as a reason, if I'm not feeling strong enough to just say "no." I'm reeeaaaaally bad at "no." No one can argue with "My husband doesn't want other kids here during the day-- he knows that I need to buckle down on school."
Now, anybody who knows anything abut how we "school" knows that we don't really "buckle down" much  , but the point is that I am not staying home and keeping my kids home so that I can be the resident neighborhood babysitter. Think of it this way: saying "no" to your friend is saying "yes" to your own kids.
I'll pray for you, happymama.
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 2:23pm | IP Logged
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You've gotten some good advice here. One thing I might add, though, is that you might want to suggest an alternate time when you *could* watch your neighbor's kids. "We're buckling down and trying to get as much done in the mornings as we can. But around 2 in the afternoon we'll be ready to play." You might suggest that you would happily help her out if she were able to schedule her appointments for a bit later in the day. You're not being totally unavailable, but your boundaries will be clear.
Peace,
Nancy
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Marcia
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 2:23pm | IP Logged
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happy mom...can I send my toddler over....it's only about 10 hours right? :)
I have a list I keep taped in the door of my cupboard for times just like these...and another zillion other things I get asked to do that just don't fit into my overall plan for this family.
Would something like this help?
Sounds like you have made the life of your friend much easier, but she might be taking advantage of your "just doing school".
okay that first link was kind of a joke. You couldn't really use those...but there are some good ones here
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Marcia
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Erin
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 3:08pm | IP Logged
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Happymama
Great advice. I'd really encourage you to practice the pointers in the second link Marcia posted. When I started learning to set boundaries it was soo hard, but "I'll get back to you" was great, and then I'd ask dh's advice and he saved me tons of problems (I know I should have listened to him long before) and it's really true you don't owe anyone explanations. Some people think that means you have debating points.
Your children are only going to get older and their needs greater, you are the one to educate your friend on your homeschooling needs/boundaries. Sorry if I sound tough I failed to do this myself a couple of years back and wasted lots of my childrens' precious time.
You are a wonderful friend 
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happymama
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| Posted: Jan 06 2010 at 9:01am | IP Logged
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thank you for these responses. The "husband" card is genious, and true! Dh really doesn't think I should have other people over during school time. That works.
Marcia, thanks for the links!
"she doesn't realize the actual work involved" - right, Molly! And that's probably my fault, because in the past I have tried to be really flexible and relaxed about everything... My oldest son just really needs consistency and my attention right now. He's so bright and hungry for more...
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florasita
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| Posted: Jan 18 2010 at 8:54am | IP Logged
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I was going to say too not to label it " just school " it is like saying " oh I'm just a mum " 
we all have different needs , different things we can and cannot handle . It is perfectly acceptable to have boundries in all our relationships . You are in no way not a good friend for saying no to a question . She asked and the responce could therefore be yes or no .
You can make it clear in a nice way you really prefer not to do any childcare or visits in mornings because this is when you do school , chores etc. but I'm not sure , maybe you are not enjoying the childcare aspect at all . Maybe you just need to limit your times as in playdates , outings together as the two families etc. childcare does not need to an option of a friendship .
I had one good friend we did childcare together I had her children far more then they ever had ours . Now I'm happy about it because we were a very posative influence on the kids . As well I loved loved having all the kids together because frankly it is far less work for me to have other kids over I always was the mum who had the nieghbourhood kids come in afterschool etc. friends of our kids always here on the weekend . As for my other friends they are just my friends and our children never did play together etc.
This is just who I am and what I can handle . if we are truely friends we respect each others boundries and what each other can and cannot handle . If your friend is a mum who needs more breaks then you do that is ok too . She can find other outlets though to help her relieve herself of her children it is not your obligation to do so . There are many afterschool programs , clubs etc. does she have option to join a homeschool group to make other friends ?
just throwing some ideas out there 
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Paula in MN
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Everyone has given you such great advice, I don't think I can offer anything new! I firmly believe that we should help out other families when we can, but our family must come first.
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 Paula
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happymama
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| Posted: Aug 24 2010 at 4:19pm | IP Logged
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I felt the need to re-read all of your responses today. The friend mentioned in the OP has a brand-new baby and a husband deployed for 12 months. So needless to say, her needs have become much more intense, and I wouldn't dare ask her to return a favor unless it was a true emergency.
I am heartened by all the advice given in this thread. Ever since I quit work to stay home, it's been a challenge for me to discern what I'm expected and capable of doing beside the housework, childcare and homeschooling. I myself have had 4 little ones without any family or friends around to offer help to me (and a husband who was very, very often gone.) So I understand her need for help.
One of the reasons I homeschool right now is so that my family CAN be relaxed. I'm the only h-schooling mom in my neighborhood, and when I'm with the other moms, all they do is complain about how stressful it is running kids around all the time, like 5-day-a-week pre-school and so on. Just because they are choosing to run their families ragged, shouldn't make me feel guilty for wanting a quiet life for my own family... and watching other people's toddlers does NOT help me achieve my goals. I am definitely going to be clearer with my friends about my inability to help them out, at least before noon.
Thanks for the support, ladies.
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MWeber
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| Posted: Aug 24 2010 at 6:37pm | IP Logged
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I'm glad you bumped up your thread. I just read through it for the first time, and I got a lot out of it. I have experience only in that many of my son's friends are incredibly destructive of my house when they come over! I used to think that having a play mate was easier on me b/c the kids entertained each other, but after the last babysitting experience when his friends dumped every single tub of toys onto his bed (including legos - ugh!), I about cried and haven't wanted anyone over ever since, lol. 
But I completely understand your friend's needs, as well. I have been in the position - new baby, no family around, etc. - and really appreciated the help from friends. I do wonder if pre-school (MMO) is better suited for her, since she seems to need more regular help.
It's so hard to say 'no'. Since my oldest is only 4, I am still able to be incredibly flexible, and I do worry that my inability to turn anyone down will get me into trouble when we start diving into school.
God Bless
Michele
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: helping out your friends...
