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DianaC
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| Posted: Nov 30 2009 at 11:58am | IP Logged
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I need to ask advice and help for improving my relationship with my college-age son.
In a nutshell, we have always been very, very close. He has always been a great son - very accomplished, bright, loving, cooperative, obedient, etc. However, since he started college, it seems he really wants nothing to do with me. He does come home on his breaks and always brings friends with him, which pleases me. However, outside of my providing meals and cleaning and taking care of whatever needs come up, he acts like he wants nothing to do with me. He has been very unkind to me while he visits and when we visit him.
I am heartbroken and struggling to understand if this is just a phase. I have also called him on the carpet about it - we have never allowed our children to behave with such ingratitude as he is now - and this has made him very angry with me.
I will very much appreciate any prayers, guidance and words of wisdom with this situation.
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Shari in NY
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| Posted: Nov 30 2009 at 12:23pm | IP Logged
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Prayers coming form here, Diana! I hope you get some good advice and guidance because I could have written this post myself 
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stacykay
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| Posted: Nov 30 2009 at 12:39pm | IP Logged
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Shari in NY wrote:
| Prayers coming form here, Diana! I hope you get some good advice and guidance because I could have written this post myself |
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me too! 
Ds #2 arrived home Tues., only to leave immediately to visit his buddy whose college is 1/2 from our home. Returned very late, and was up in time to leave for lunch with other pals, then on to hockey game, and home in time to go to bed. He did spend all Thanksgiving at home. Then gone all day Friday and Sat., and back to school on Sun.
But, then too, the second he got back to school, he called me as he is feeling ill. Maybe they need us, but want to show us they are independent, too? Maybe it is their way of battling homesickness? Our son is 6 hours away, so not as close as our oldest was for those frequent visits to take to lunch or dinner on weekends (or even to come home for the weekend!)
How far away is your son?
Soooo...no advice here. My oldest didn't do this, so it is new territory for me!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Nov 30 2009 at 1:17pm | IP Logged
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I can only speak from my own experience of once being a college-age girl who went to school away from home.
First of all, when I used to come home I found it REALLY boring. When you live in the dorm, it seems like there is always something to do or someone to talk to. If I wasn't in class, I was sleeping or socializing (and studying some too  ). At home, I felt like I just spent a lot of time sitting around waiting.
Secondly, I felt like I had this completely different life. Sometimes it felt like I was entering a different world when I came back home...and sometimes it wasn't easy because I felt like I was treated like the "old" me. Like I was expected to slip into the old childhood role and be treated like I was still in high school instead of living quasi-independently.
And this was kind of personal to my family...but my family never seemed especially excited to see me when I came home. They loved me and did want me to come home for things. But my parents aren't the most affectionate, so I would just get a "hi" when I walked in the door and otherwise it seemed like life went on the same for them whether I was there or not.
Also, neither one of my parents attended college, so they would get wound up over little things that they didn't really understand. Like if I dropped a class for any reason, they would kind of freak out. I felt like I couldn't talk to them about things because they were so clueless about what was important and what wasn't.
I don't know if any of these could be things that your son could be dealing with. It also could be a matter of just living a very self-involved life right now...which kind of comes with the territory of leaving home. I remember feeling an incredible sense of freedom because for the first time I didn't have to take care of anyone but me. But it can also lead one to becoming a bit self-absorbed.
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Barbara
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Nov 30 2009 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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as Barbara said, not from having a son that age but from when I was in college..
Guys in college are very quick to rib someone they perceieve as "tied to apron strings" whether it's their mom or girlfriend or whatever. And it's a very broad definition.. I remember when my dh (then boyfriend) had borrowed my car and I tracked him down to get something at the store for me on his way back with my car. And to do so required calling a friends house and then sidestepping the whole.. girlfriend checking up on you thing.. basically I laughed when he brought it up and pointed out that he had my car or I would be able to go to the store myself. But really, something like that that is not about being controlled by some female (mom or girlfriend) will be seen that way before anything else. So will what I consider the common curteousy of letting someone know if you'll be late.. oh no.. that's another instance of being tied to apron strings. So really, anything that even looks like it could possibly mean that is suspect and often avoided.
Perhaps something more subtle as far as friends are concerned for staying connected.. maybe write letter or emails or something like that?
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crusermom
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I am so sorry you are going through this. My friend's daughter is attending the same college as my son. The four of us flew up together. The minute my son moved into his dorm room - I might as well been invisible. He wasn't being rude - it was just obvious he didn't want me there. If I lived nearby I would have just shrugged my shoulders and driven home. But I was stuck there for two days of parent orientation! I ended up hanging with my friend and her daughter. Her daughter was the opposite - clinging to her mother.
Then he barely called me for the next three months except to tell me had no shoes that didn't have holes in them and could I please mail him some new ones.
He was friendly and loving when he came home on break. I think that it may be a guy thing. I often have his younger siblings text him or talk to him on facebook. He has been very good about interacting with them.
Maybe you or your husband could just tell him how you feel. He might not even realize how he is behaving and coming across.
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Mary
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DianaC
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| Posted: Nov 30 2009 at 7:50pm | IP Logged
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stacykay wrote:
me too!
Ds #2 arrived home Tues., only to leave immediately to visit his buddy whose college is 1/2 from our home. Returned very late, and was up in time to leave for lunch with other pals, then on to hockey game, and home in time to go to bed. He did spend all Thanksgiving at home. Then gone all day Friday and Sat., and back to school on Sun.
How far away is your son?
Soooo...no advice here. My oldest didn't do this, so it is new territory for me! |
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My son did much the same as yours, but we did know ahead of time what his plans were. He did call and try to work out a schedule with us - because he would have to use my car. This is an improvement over past visits. His school is 4 hours away.
The big rub with this visit is that once his activities were over, he didn't seem to want anything more to do with me.
All of this has been an issue from the start - we don't get much in the way of calls or emails and we have discussed this with him many times. We've also gotten the cold shoulder when we visit him. So, then it really hurts when I run into friend after friend at church who tell me they've talked to my son on skype or facebook or have been emailing.
Barbara - I appreciate your input from a student's perspective. My husband and I did not attend college as full time students, nor did we ever live on campus. We were married, employed and attended part-time, so it is more difficult for us to understand. However, my son has rock-star status here at home. He (and the friends that he brings home) get a grand welcome along with the yummy scent of favorite and requested foods also ready to welcome them, not to mention fresh sheets and a comfy bed to rest in. Also, at church my son gets hugs and greetings from many, many friends and their families. Everyone is always pleased to see him - it's so heartwarming.
I'm at a loss as to how this young man went from being a wonderful, caring, close son to a person who is just so thoughtless - and yes mean! And, in my hurt, I am struggling with feelings of wanting to turn my back on him. I would never have imagined that I could even think these thoughts!
I know there are so many who are dealing with so much more than this. I try to keep this in perspective, but I'm having a tough time doing so.
Thanks for listening
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Nov 30 2009 at 10:03pm | IP Logged
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Diane, I hope I don't sound glib or insensitive but...don't take this personally. Really. He loves you! You are the air he breathes, the foundation he counts on .... which is a compliment in a way . He's not rejecting you, he's just trying to juggle a million things and he doesn't quite have it right, yet. This will all shake out.
How about a 2 prong approach. One prong is to focus on serving your son in ways that are very helpful to him and that you enjoy. Ex: if you like to cook, cook for him...if you like to buy gifts, send gifts to him. Really look for ways to serve him cheerfully and without counting the costs. The second prong is to set reasonable limits and boundaries for yourself and let him know about them at a time when both of you are calm and fine - perhaps at a nice meal out together. Ex: if you hate not hearing from him for an extended period of time, ask him to contact you once a week - that can't be asking too much...if you enjoy having a nice meal together while he's home, ask him to choose a meal that he will be able to easily attend....if you hate flying by the seat of your pants while he's in town, tell him that you are flexible on Saturday, but not on Sunday.
Yep, I was one of those selfish college co-eds  . I grimmace at my attitude and sense of entitlement at that time  . Like you, my parents hadn't gone to college in the same way I was and - well - we just didn't know what to do with it all. The main thing is to go gentle with yourselves as you all adjust to this major change to your family.
Praying .
Love,
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Angie Mc
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DianaC
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Angie Mc wrote:
Diane, I hope I don't sound glib or insensitive but...don't take this personally. Really. He loves you! You are the air he breathes, the foundation he counts on .... which is a compliment in a way . He's not rejecting you, he's just trying to juggle a million things and he doesn't quite have it right, yet. This will all shake out.
Really look for ways to serve him cheerfully and without counting the costs. |
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Angie,
Thank-you! I was hoping to hear reassurance that once this college period passes, he'll return to normal.
And thank you for your reminder that I need to love him unconditionally - I'm not succeeding here. 
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jackiemomof7
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Yes, this is normal and yes they do come back to their old self. I think it is hard on us moms who have been with them almost 24/7 for so many years. Boys need to spread their wings and fly but the do return and how wonderful the return is. They are wiser, more loving and truly understand the role we played in their life. Take heart and do not fear deep down he is still that same wonderful young man right now he is just trying to find his adult self and sometimes the only way they find that is to push mom aside. Growing pains are harder on moms I believe than the actual child. 
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Kathryn
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I am so far away from being able to offer advice from a "been there done that" perspective but I do understand the emotions when dealing with a difficult child. Soo, I guess I would just say have you had an honest, heart-to-heart with him about this? Does he *really* know how you are perceiving the things that are said and done and how hurtful they are to you? If things have changed that drastically with your relationship, I would want to probe much further and not assume it's just a phase. Like many have said, it prob. is and it's def. time he's trying to "find himself" and your relationship will change but he doesn't have to be hurtful to do that and that's a message good for life. Again, I'm at least 8 years away from this stage so take my advice with a grain of salt.
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hylabrook1
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The college years are such a time of transition from *child* to *adult*! While our children are at school, they do have a lot of autonomy. Of course we know that they also have a lot of support from family and from the college. Their meals are cooked by the dining hall, they don't have to cover their own heating bill, their tuition and health care are provided for, things like that. But they feel like they are doing so much for themselves (and they are), even though we are still doing a lot more for them than would be the case if they were grown and on their own. This stage of life is kind of caught between being one way while they're at school and then coming home and feeling like they're back to their childhood. Even when we don't really see them as young children, they seem to fear that they'll be viewed and/or treated as if they were. Actually, it's kind of confusing to them, too, not just to us. Add to that confusion the reality that they are less mature than an adult would be. On the whole, I think they just don't know how to act around us, and they don't know how to handle that uncertainty. Really and truly they do love us as much as ever and on some level they know how much they still need to be parented. It's just that they don't know how to express all of that in a positive way. So, they act in ways that we have trouble reading, and sometimes those ways can be hurtful or feel like rejection. As he matures, things will come back around. When he is home, maybe you could ask him to reserve a couple of hours to go to breakfast or out to coffee with just you. Not as a time to ask him what's wrong or anything, just to be together in the moment. I know how you feel; it's a tough phase for us moms, too. You are in my prayers, Diane, along with other moms of college-aged children.
Peace,
Nancy
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Veronika
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Oh Diana, I'm praying for you! I got a little taste of what you're going through this past summer when my 13 year old went to DC with a service group for a week. Our family went along, but stayed in a hotel nearby. He'd call us every evening at the appointed time, but sounded so distant and cold! All he wanted to do was check in and return to his friends! It got so that he'd ask to speak with his father and siblings, but just before my turn he'd have to go. I was heartbroken to the point of tears. My husband tried to tell me that this was normal teen-age behavior and that he was still my little boy inside, but I wasn't buying it and was just devastated. On the day of our son's return, we went to pick him up and there he was, as cool as he was on the phone. I took all I could stand until we got to the car. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot he jumped over the seat to give me a huge hug and proceeded to tell "Mommy" all about his adventures! I asked him why he waited so long to talk to me! He replied that he was afraid to hear my voice because he knew I'd be missing him and he couldn't stand to hear me sound so sad. He was afraid to cry in front of his new friends and risk looking like a mommy's boy. Don't be worried, I'm sure it's the same for you...peer pressure among males is unbelievably strong. He wants to be a man and doesn't want to risk looking like a boy. Be strong, dear friend, and know that he loves you! When his maturity level catches up, he'll show you again. God bless!
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Veronika
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: loving your college-age son
