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stefoodie
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| Posted: Oct 23 2009 at 8:15am | IP Logged
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i just posted here about a book that bothered me.
i'd like to ask your opinion on something. am i just being naive?
last year, we had our parish vicar over for dinner, and we got to talking about the education of boys and how as a parent i get worried about when to teach what when, when it comes to the birds and the bees. Father goes, "There wasn't anything I learned as an adult [on this topic] that I didn't know when I was 8." and then he turns to my dh and goes, "Agreed?" dh says yes.
so if that's the case, am i just being too protective, or too naive, or too... i don't know... smothering? when i attempt to block books/media that deal with this stuff? i mean, i was just "ewwwing" about the underwater kissing mentioned in the book. not an image i want them playing out in their heads, you know? but then, at 10 and 13 -- and they do have outside, non-homeschooling and non-Catholic friends too -- is it really weird for me to expect that they're still innocent about these things?
blech. i'm having one of those days when i'm thinking again i'm sooo not cut out to be the mom of boys. but then again God knows better, since he gave me my boys (and oh how i love them!). but wow, do i still have so much to learn, and it feels like i keep learning things a bit too late. 
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stef
mom to five
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Maddie
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| Posted: Oct 23 2009 at 8:51am | IP Logged
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I don't think you're being naive. I know my children have inadvertently heard some things I wish they hadn't but I think that's different then handing them a book or a movie with something objectionable in it that implies you are ok with it. Relationships portrayed in most of today's literature and movies are so skewed from God's plan, I like to show them through books, movies, my own marriage how it is supposed to be so they mold their thinking and actions that way. Then, when they see the opposite it repulses them, it's not familiar to them.
I think if your children know you have a high standard of purity for what you read and watch they may not always live up to it perfectly but they will know you never compromised.
What is the point of the underwater kissing anyway? Why is it written in a book for children?
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cvbmom
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| Posted: Oct 23 2009 at 9:04am | IP Logged
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8! You're kidding! I'll have to ask dh if he agrees. My 9yo son, well, seems REALLY innocent to me. Things a mom doesn't know? I'll tell you, this is my first raising a boy experience, though, and I grew up with only sisters!
I definitely "sensor" books, media, etc. Ds is the one who loves to watch football, but also knows to and does cover his eyes, change the channel, or whatnot when commercials come on. His reading consists of Lego books, Thornton Burgess books, and various picture books. Maybe he's still naive? I hope? Hmmm...
Christine
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sewcrazy
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| Posted: Oct 23 2009 at 9:27am | IP Logged
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I don't think naive is the right word. Unless you really think your boys haven't thought about kissing yet. 
I think it is your right, as their parent, to monitor the materials they read, watch and listen to. You set the bar. There is much in current music, books, movies, and tv marketed to kids that is woefully inappropriate. The assumption that young teens are actively engaged in romantic acts being the most troubling to me. Also I think it is good that they see that you are watching the materials they have, and have standards.
My oldest boys are 15 and 16. I allowed too much too soon when they were younger. And that is a bell you can't unring  Now it is even harder to protect my younger children from inappropriate media. Better to set the bar extra high, and drop it s l o w l y as they mature.
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LeeAnn
Wife of David, mom to Ben, Dennis, Alex, Laura, Philip and our little souls in heaven we have yet to meet
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KackyK
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| Posted: Oct 23 2009 at 9:46am | IP Logged
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I have 4 boys and find this a hard balance.
When my cousin was 10 (he's now 21) he told me that you can get pregnant kissing a girl. At the time, I thought...hmmm...I know his mom told him this (he told me she did and she verified it) but that's not quite right either. And I don't advocate telling the whole truth obviously...but it can't be sugar-coated or "twisted" either to avoid something either. Did that make sense? That's the balance I'm talking about.
And then of course you have to judge all of this "timing" because of where they are being exposed to things. My ds, who at the time was 10, played flag football on team who had a boy on the team that called the others boys "fags" all the time. My ds had no idea what that was but he did know the other boys were very mad. I did have to explain it. But I was glad he told me before one of the other boys explained it. Sometimes the timing has to be caught and adjusted before you are ready, and maybe before they "may" be ready, but if it gets "accidentally" slammed into them, then it has to be addressed, ykwim?
Okay rambling thoughts there!
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KackyK
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Martha
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| Posted: Oct 23 2009 at 9:50am | IP Logged
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Your kids = your rules. 
But.
I agree with him.
And would say the same about myself.
That said, knowing it and knowing it in context is a big difference.
Knowing all about sex and such wouldn't bother me.
Knowing about it and not knowing the context of it would bother me greatly. to me, this is the biggest problem with sex lack of education in America.
My kids know about sex, but they know about it in context of our faith. That it is for marriage. That it is healthy and amazing when done in marriage and allows the blessing of being cocreators with God to enter their lives in a wonderful, joyful way that is often missed or denied an individual/couple in other situations outside of that context.
I'll say that at the heart of it, your priest is right.
Everything I know about the mechanics of sex hasn't changed much since I was 8.
But wow.
The context of how I view sex sure has.
Thanks be to God.
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Martha
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: Oct 23 2009 at 11:44am | IP Logged
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A wise, I think, Mom told me "you got to hit them first."
I don't like addressing this stuff. It means he is growing up, and away. This mom had 6 kids and allowed the world to dictate when she would tell her oldest son and have the discussions. She said he didn't fare so well. She opened the door first with the rest of the kids and she has found the communication better, they come to her with questions and to clarify things. Instead of listening to their peers.
Anyhow, I just had to go through this as a trusted priest said, "so when are you going to talk to (my ds) and tell him the things he needs to know?" My ds will turn 12 in a few weeks.
I had one talk with him and it was nice. Scary, but nice. Scary because of the information I gave him (and he didn't know when I asked if he did). Nice because I gave him the information in the context of the churches teachings and marriage and love. Not the worlds ideas.
I also censor a lot but am trying to relax a tad as I am very media biased. It is a tough line. But I know ds knows some basics and I am actually relieved that he has some information now. I didn't WANT to do it, but I feel better having done it. And I am not finished. We have many more talks ahead.
I am still hashing out the what to let in and what not. What my "rules" will be. Dh and I disagree on a lot here so I am trying to figure out what my hard line rules will be and those I might flex on.
Oh, and I also feel constantly behind and trying to keep/catch up/learn as they grow. Prayer seems to help a lot.
Anne
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JodieLyn
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I think there is a big difference in "knowing" and "wallowing in". Just because you have some information doesn't mean that reading about it is ok. There are a lot of books out there that I avoid because even though I obviously know what's going on what with having 8 kids .. it's WAY TOO MUCH information. And I also will skip over sections that appear in other books unexpectedly for the same reason. (it could easily be a near occasion of sin.. or actual sin if it incites lust)
And I think perhaps that what we know we knew at 8 or so.. will still be more the.. we got older and realized the things that we knew at 8.
And for the record, even though I knew information at 8, 9, 10 I would get to 11 and think.. OH! that's what mom meant. I just couldn't process the information even though I had it.  So you could say that I knew the information younger than I could really understand it.
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CrunchyMom
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JodieLyn wrote:
| And for the record, even though I knew information at 8, 9, 10 I would get to 11 and think.. OH! that's what mom meant. I just couldn't process the information even though I had it. So you could say that I knew the information younger than I could really understand it. |
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Definitely. Me too.
I distinctly remember the revelation in 7th grade science class where what I finally realized and acknowledged the truths that I had never wanted to think about before. I still thought it was gross.
I do kind of think that 8 year olds growing up on a farm instead of the suburbs must learn about the birds and bees in a technical way pretty early on and naturally by observation. That isn't the same as reading about kissing and romance in a novel. There are some older books where I think they handle it all in a way that wouldn't bother me, but I recall reading junk as a preteen/teen that I wish I hadn't and wouldn't allow my own kids to read.
Watching with interest, though, as I have my own crew of boys to bring thorugh all this.
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Lindsay
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KackyK
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Lindsay no kidding on the junk books read as a teen/preteen. My mom allowed me to read the VC Andrews series...all of it! YIKES! I had no clue, I was in middle school. I think she thought that at least someone was telling me something (as she never had any talks with me).  I think I'm still scandalized by it!!!
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KackyK
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: am i being naive?
