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Ruth
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How much compromising should a parent do? Should you lower your standards when there are little ones who might be scandalized in order to keep them from rebelling?
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Ruth
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teachingmyown
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Dear Ruth,
Compromising doesn't work. Stand firm with love. Some kids just have a weakness for things of this world and all we can do is be an anchor.  Compromising confuses them and it just keeps lowering the bar. I often wonder where things would be today if I had been firmer.
Lots of prayers and hugs! 
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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sewcrazy
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My phrase for dealing with my teens is from General Patton:
"Is this the hill I am prepared to die on?"
If I decide an issue is important to me, I don't compromise. If it is not an essential issue, I ignore all but dangerous behavior.
Teens and toddlers are much alike I think  Most forms of "rebellion" are just bigger temper tantrums. I don't give in to tantrums and I don't indulge rebellion.
Teens need room to fail. I would rather they crash and burn a few times while still at home so I can help them through the problem.
Good luck!
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LeeAnn
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guitarnan
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What LeeAnn said. I've done a lot of reading on this particular topic and most experts agree that teens prefer to know exactly where boundaries lie, and that this knowledge does help them make better choices.
One thing my mom said to me really stuck, and I say it to both my children. She said that it was okay for me to blame her and her rules for things I didn't want to do (even if she hadn't established a rule for said activity). She told me she would back me up, any time, any place, if I said, "I can't - my mom would kill me," or something like that, in order to get out of a bad situation gracefully.
I did use this fallback a few times and was grateful for it (reminder to self - tell Mom). This "out" also gave me permission to stop trying to be a complete grownup once in a while and get help with difficult situations.
Of course, sometimes I tried to handle things on my own, with mixed results - because I didn't want to tell my parents about peer pressure and so on - but I knew if things got out of hand they'd be there for me.
Expressing unconditional love doesn't mean you cave in on important issues. It hurts to watch those you love struggle, when you can see so clearly what the better way truly is. (This is the source of my devotion to St. Monica.) My daughter's godparents were ToughLove coordinators and I learned a lot from them about loving your children and letting them accept the natural consequences of their actions. It's hard, very hard, but it truly is a loving thing to do.
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stefoodie
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It depends on what the issue is. If it's something that's negotiable, then dh and I and "rebelling teen" will sit down and hash it out (sometimes with some pre-hashing-out hashing out between dh and me, so we can present a united front). One big rule for us is "pick your battles" -- it's hard to learn, but it pays off when you remember to do it. That way not every little thing becomes an issue, and on the ones that are, we can more emphatically put our foot down and say NO WAY.
It is tough, Ruth. and prayers for you.
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stef
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folklaur
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stefoodie wrote:
It depends on what the issue is. If it's something that's negotiable, then dh and I and "rebelling teen" will sit down and hash it out (sometimes with some pre-hashing-out hashing out between dh and me, so we can present a united front). One big rule for us is "pick your battles" -- it's hard to learn, but it pays off when you remember to do it. That way not every little thing becomes an issue, and on the ones that are, we can more emphatically put our foot down and say NO WAY.
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oh, what she said!!
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folklaur
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also...some kids will rebel no matter what you do, what you say, how hard you pray, how much you punish, or how much you relent. they just will. they seem almost to have a mission to crash and burn, to push past every boundary, etc - and it is even harder when they are just about legal age when this happens.
it is so hard, because often people on the outside are judging you - and of course you are judging yourself, questioning everything you did, didn't do, etc. but - some of these kids will just be this way. short of completely locking them in a closet and taking away every ounce of their free will, there is not much you can do to stop them, and sometimes all you can do is pray, and be consistent, and pray, and not enable bad behavior, and oh, yeah, pray!!!
eta: now to your actual original question, "why do they rebel"? - depends on the child - could be they feel you are too strict, or too lenient, they are bored, they are overwhelmed, because society expects them to, because homeschoolers tend to expect them not to, because they want to feel grown up, because they are terrified of feeling grown up, because they feel like you are treating them like a child, because they think you are expecting too much from them, and because they are hormonal and their brains aren't fully developed yet, but somehow they know everything and their parent's IQ is suddenly in question. at least, i think that covers most of the reasons... 
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RamFam
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My thoughts on the question 'Why do teens rebel?'
I think it is just part of the breaking from your parents. It would be so hard to let go of them and for them to let go of us and move on to their own world if we all lived harmoniously together.
Just my two cents on the subject...
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JodieLyn
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teachingmyown wrote:
Dear Ruth,
Compromising doesn't work. Stand firm with love. Some kids just have a weakness for things of this world and all we can do is be an anchor. Compromising confuses them and it just keeps lowering the bar. |
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compromising when rebel is not an issue also confuses them. I remember my parents doing this.. assuming I was somehow unhappy with their rules when I was in college.. I came home expecting that the "this will always be the rule no matter what" things would be the same and then they weren't.. it's very confusing.. and that wasn't even with me trying to get any change!
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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sewcrazy
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Sorry I was disjointed earlier 
Why do they rebel? Because they are wired to pull away from their parents, and to become their own individual. Why do they really, really rebel? Because culture tells them they are supposed to rebel. They have been told teens are angsty, angry, depressed, moody, disobedient, etc.
We have wide concrete walls. The boys know that behavior past that point is not permitted at all. But I ignore behavior that I don't care for, music I'd prefer they don't listen to, friends that woldn't have been my choice, and so on as long as it doesn' cross the line. I have found that if I ride them about little things they get more rebellious.
I do require respectful behavior at all times. I crack down on disrespect very firmly. We can and do disagree, but must do so without rudeness. That said, I work at treating them with respect also.
I try to be available to them for private convesation. Many things have been worked out after midnight over a cup of hot chocolate.
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LeeAnn
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guitarnan
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What LeeAnn said, again. Especially the midnight part. (Where's the yawning emoticon? I need it!)
And...let your teens know you'll take them to Confession any time, any place, no questions asked. This is a standing offer in our home. I truly believe that my son has gained peace of mind and sureness of purpose from this important sacrament.
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stefoodie
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been thinking more about your title question.
they rebel because at this age, they feel they're invincible. they can do ANYTHING and no one and nothing can hurt them.
the challenge really is to channel this risk-taking tendency towards good. something that pushes them beyond their perceived limits, if any. something that makes them proud to look at themselves in the mirror. one example: Silent Day. they need opportunities to be individuals, and if we can help them find ways to stretch those independence muscles and open themselves to risk or ridicule, but to do it for God's glory, many of them will do just that. many teens today, in asserting their independence from mom and dad, tend to go the direction the crowd's taking, so they're pulling away from us. the best thing that could happen is they pull away both from us AND the secular world.... and fling themselves straight into God's arms.
there's something attractive at this age also in being different. if we can show them how to be different in a way that sets them apart not only from us BUT ALSO from their peers, they just might bite and take the challenge.
let's take inspiration from the young men and women who became saints by offering their lives to Jesus at a very young age. some of them went against their parents' wishes (funny how that works).
i find that at this age it helps a lot to do volunteer work. they have a purpose, direction, goals, etc. it takes their minds off themselves and awakens them (sometimes rudely, but hey, whatever works) to life's bitter realities. and more often than not from what i've seen, it changes them.... maybe not right away, maybe not in exactly the way we envisioned, but they will be changed.
sorry ruth, i digress, it's late ... but in case any of this is helpful....
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Bookswithtea
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I just wanted to add that Epstein's The Myth of Adolescence was very helpful for me. This is not even remotely a religious book, and it has nothing to do with supporting homeschooling or anything like that. Its more a psychological/historical/sociological evaluation of the way teens have been treated by the law and by society over the years. I got it at Amazon.
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MarilynW
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MY dd got this book for her 13th birthday from her best friend - Do Hard Things - A Teenage Rebellion Agains Low Expectations
I have not read all of it - but it looks very good.
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MarilynW
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I just want to post the foreward from the book I mentioned above:
Today we live in a culture that promotes comfort, not challenges. Everything is about finding ways to escape hardship, avoid pain, and dodge duty. In the past, young people were expected to make significant contributions to society. Today, our culture expets very little from teens - not much more than staying in school and doing a few chores. A sad consequence of such low expectations is that life-changing lessons go unlearned.
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Martha in VA
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Marilyn, do you see anything in this book that might rub a Catholic the wrong way? It looks very interesting but I thought I'd ask before ordering.
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teachingmyown
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I am wondering if those of us who have suffered through rebellious teens would say that from a fairly young age that we knew the child would be difficult. My son was difficult from birth. I was still shocked at how far his rebellion went, but I knew that he wouldn't make it through the teen years easily.
I honestly don't expect my other kids to rebel. I don't think it is in their personalities. Two of my girls are a little fiesty, but not like their big brother. My 13 yr old is so level-headed and scoffs at bad behavior. My dh points out that she was raised the same way as her older brother. I think it is rooted in temperament.
Yes, there are things we can do ahead of time to temper it. Obviously, we need to surround them with love and faith and all those things. Not to sound elitist, but I think a group like the 4Real community is full of members who have read and prayed and done everything in their power to raise good, holy kids. Sometimes, it just isn't enough.
I can see that for those who haven't gone through it, especially those with pretty easy-going kids, it must be puzzling and there are thoughts that the parents must have done "something" wrong. Maybe that something is just not being able to nurture a specific temperament, maybe we missed certain cues along the way, but maybe it is just who that child is. I know I didn't "get it" before. I do now.
Those of you with little kids, I would encourage you to understand their temperaments, watch their cues. If they are very interested in the *world*, do all you can to gently turn their attention. Demand respect and, like LeeAnn said, make those walls firm.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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Angie Mc
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teachingmyown wrote:
I think a group like the 4Real community is full of members who have read and prayed and done everything in their power to raise good, holy kids. Sometimes, it just isn't enough.
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This is a hard truth, but it is the truth. God's will is very mysterious...and perfect. I am a big problem solver and in the past thought that if there was a problem, then there was a solution. Well...sometimes God doesn't want a problem solved...my way...or doesn't want us to be the one to solve it...in my time. Why do some teens - when objectively their life has fallen into the "good enough" category - rebel? It's a mystery...one that can leave a parent feeling very worried, isolated, judged, misundertood...its a tough cross to carry.
Ruth, like others have said, dh and I pick our battles and really try to move into a mentoring relationship with our teens. Yes, I've dropped my personal standards for, let's see, movies...clothing...room cleanliness...friends...online stuff...on and on, because much of this is pretty arbitrary. But I don't drop my expectations about how I expect to be treated, for example, or how I expect teens to treat their younger siblings.
One of the biggest things that has helped me has been to detach and hand over ALL teen discipline issues to their father. I never thought I would say that. Really. It sounds so hokey, "I'm calling your father," but there it is. (I'm fortunate to have a dh who will take on the job, I know.) I tell my teens that I want to serve and mentor them and that I can get confused doing both service and discipline - which is true for me. For example, one of our teens needed to submit paperwork for an important event. The teen blew it off. I caught it, called Dad to take care of the discipline aspect of the problem (not doing what needed to be done, hiding the problem, not communicating, etc.) while I helped sort through what was getting in the way of doing the work. In this way I was able to serve the teen (helped find missing information, helped tidy room, took care of some little distracting tasks, etc.) while my dh found a way for the teen to make ammends and be grateful for help received.
Hang in there, Ruth , you aren't alone, dear.
Love,
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MarilynW
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Martha in VA wrote:
Marilyn, do you see anything in this book that might rub a Catholic the wrong way? It looks very interesting but I thought I'd ask before ordering. |
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Martha - I have not read a whole lot - but so far I have not seen anything questionable. In the first chapter there is implied criticism of fictional monks inflicting suffering upon themselves - but it would be a stretch to see it as anti-Catholic - although I didn't care for the analogy.
My dd really liked the book...
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stefoodie
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ooooh, what angie and molly said. i have one child (won't say which one  ) whom we are closely watching -- needs more parenting and causes more hand wringing than any of the others (so far ). keeps us on our toes and knees, that's for sure! my mom always said, there's at least one child in every family that's the "surest path to holiness for the parent". that's a good way to look at it, i think. many , ruth and all of you traveling this journey with us.
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stef
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Why do teenagers rebel?
