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glinNC
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Help! I am at my wits' end with what to do to get through to a strong-willed 7 yr old boy!   He is such a sweet boy when he "sets his mind to it," and then he can also be a downright bully when he "sets his mind to it" ... hurting his older brother or disobeying me at something.
I've tried natural consequences, removing privileges, and other "negative" disciplinary actions. I have also tried thwarting any oncoming aggression I may see by my interjecting with a big hug or kiss. And, of course, I've tried the positive consequences, too.
I am here to ask for suggestions on some practical (non-physical -- spanking doesn't work either  ) ideas to implement to try to teach the child self-control, compassion, etc. to get rid of this behavior. I pray for him ... I pray for wisdom for myself ... some days I have even broken down and screamed at him!   Some parenting books talk about "breaking their will," but it's just the aggression I want to break.
Does anybody have a strong-willed boy and can share a tip or two that may have worked for you? Thanks in advance.
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anitamarie
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I have a very strong-willed boy. very. I don't like books that recommend that you "break their will". I really believe we have to train, not break, the wills of our children, especially of the strong-willed children with whom we are blessed. Someone once told me that the will always chooses a good. (It may be the pleasure of the bad thing we are doing, but that pleasure is a good.) KWIM? We have to try extra hard to make avoiding the consequences of the action a greater good to the will than whatever it is he has set himself on. Make sense?
Are you dealing with his will in terms of him not giving up on something he wants, or patterns of misbehavior that don't change?
I have found that the stakes have to be really high to make a difference to my strong-willed boy. He can be like the eagle with the locked talons who will drown because it can't let go of the too-big fish it grabbed.
So, for our other children, where 1 day without computer would be enough, this kid needs 1 week before he thinks he might want to modify his behavior. Start with stronger consequences than you normally would.
The thing that has worked the best has been to stay calm. If I am the brick wall he just keeps bouncing off, eventually he bounces in a different direction. If I engage and start yelling or try to reason with him, he won't let go. Once a decision has been made and explained, it's over. "Asked and answered." is a common phrase in our house. If it goes much beyond that, there are consequences.
We have seen vast improvement in the self-control department over the last few years (He's 11.). He sometimes even says "I'm holding back what I really want to do right now!",or "I'd better not say what I'm thinking.", so we know he's learning.
One thing we found out along the way is that one thing feeds his strong will - anxiety. It magnifies everything. Once we got a handle on it, he calmed down considerably.
Good luck and God Bless.
Anita
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JodieLyn
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Strong willed children are also more likely to accept the essentials if they're given leeway in the non-essentials.. a pick your battle type of thing.. and if you choose to engage, you stay the course with it. But if it's not that important, don't even start. You want him to know deep down that when mom is firm, she doesn't budge. And if you change your mind and decide something isn't worth it after engaging, then he learns that "I can force mom to change".
HUMOR.. oh yes, humor can help.. everyone relaxes if we can laugh. I remember telling a rather stubborn toddler (with a smile) that he can't out stubborn me because I know where he got it from.. and he laughed.. but it also made it possible to shift out of butting heads.
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Paula in MN
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My ds7 can also have that stubborn streak. Staying calm works better than getting flustered and frustrated. I also will repeat my answer, over and over and over. And the time outs or loss of privileges definitely have to be longer for him than for my dd10.
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 Paula
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stellamaris
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One thing that worked for us was prayer, not just for our child, but with our child. We talked about anger as something damaging to him as well as others and every night before bed we asked the Lord to give him the help to learn self-control and overcome his anger. Along with consistent correction and addressing the issue through various negative and positive approach mentioned above, when we added in prayer with him, he started to be able to gain some victory over his difficult behaviors.
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mom2mpr
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OH yeah, btdt.
I didn't read all the replies but I had one of these spirited, strong willed kiddos. A boy, too. Six and 7 were REALLY hard. He is now 11, almost 12 and so easy.
A short list for what I found, over a few years of working, worked for M:
--always replying in love, even when I am very frustrated and just want to shake him. :)
--Giving him his way--pick your battles.
--Prayer.
--Discussion--he was/and is, a very verbal guy so having talks with him, letting him voice his feelings, wants and needs, so he felt listened too, and then your concerns, helped a lot. Even if he didn't get his way and he was upset, he got over it quicker when he was listened too.
--when he was totally out of line, which happened rarely once I had my "plan" set for how to deal with him, taking away a priviledge worked well. He got it!
--Taking time for just him. Spending time doing something special with/for him. Building Legos. Going through his Matchbox cars with him, etc.
All this was so time consuming but I can now see the fruits of my labors and oh, it is so sweet.
Hang in there and hope something here helps.
Anne
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stefoodie
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i have one too  and see lots of suggestions here that we are currently working on and a couple we need to focus on more.
i have one additional suggestion: if he's a verbal guy, he might want to write down or dictate to you exactly how he's feeling -- if he's willing to do this. this has worked for us several times. we don't descend into screaming sessions and it gives us material for further discussion later.
you might also want to try Bible/Catechism study angie mc's style adapted to youngers or jenn's angel food.
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Willa
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Physical activity can be extremely helpful. My teenager gets his little brother to run circles around the couch when he's starting to escalate behavior. It doesn't have to be humiliating at all, my little one usually enjoys running off his aggression.
Have you noticed any particular circumstances when he is more likely to misbehave? If you know that, say, dinner prep time is likely to be a dangerous hour you can plan to have him occupied during that time. Or if he can't handle too much stimulation, or dislikes schedule changes, knowing that can be helpful in dealing with the problem.
When a child is in aggression mode and it's too late to forestall it I usually think "containment" -- just making sure he can't ignore me or wreak destruction on his siblings. Sitting down with an arm around him and reading or talking or doing something together until the mood passes. Again, containment doesn't have to be a humiliation, just a way of making sure he doesn't go overboard and do things he will regret later, like diss me or hurt his siblings.
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glinNC
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Willa wrote:
Again, containment doesn't have to be a humiliation, just a way of making sure he doesn't go overboard and do things he will regret later, like diss me or hurt his siblings.
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The sad thing, too, is that he doesn't always seem to regret his actions, which is why I mentioned 'compassion' as a lesson needed, too. My other child is compassionate ... it's not like we're not setting the example here. 
Thank you, everybody, for sharing. I do appreciate it and will reread all your responses regularly!
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JodieLyn
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OH MY GOODNESS.. Willa.. how could I forget physical activity.
I can't tell you how much easier my life is with organized sports. I have friends who say the same who live on a farm and the boys have a lot more chores than I can come up with here in town.
It's nuts around here and I'm out of the house a lot and juggling kids and watching kids etc to do sports.. but it is soooooooooo worth it.. it actually takes less effort than before my kids were in sports.. because they're so much more content and less antagonistic when they're getting that focused energey loss. Just running around outside playing is not the same.. I'm talking work like running laps.. you keep going even when you're tired and it's continuous, and then working on skills.. swimming laps and working on different strokes.. chopping and/or stacking wood.. digging up the garden.. mowing and/or raking the lawn.. shoveling snow.
And come to think of it.. it was when my oldest boy was 7 that this really made such a difference that I determined that the running around WAS worth it to keep him (and the girls to a lesser degree) active and busy.
And it's not just busy work though that's helpful too.. but it's the start of the transition of boy to man in many ways.. it's time to start teaching him skills that is "man work" around your house.
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kbfsc
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I am so encouraged to read that other delightful boys can be bears when they are 6 and 7. My almost 8 year old boy is so tough right now. It's been a terrible disruption to our whole family.
I read on another thread here (can't remember which one) about a book called Raising Your Spirited Child. I'm not usually much for parenting books, but this one has literally changed my life. It has given me an insight into this child's heart and many practical suggestions for handling our drama. (I have to share - just because it caused me to laugh out loud - that while a score of 29 on the author's inventory would indicate that your child is "spirited," my son scored 104! My 6 year old daughter scored a 73, but that's another story...)
Another thing that has helped a great deal is counsel from a holy priest. He had so many good suggestions for us, and the friendship that my son is building with him is making a difference, too. The piece of advice that sticks out to me today is, when things are escalating, to take a deep breath and evaluate the situation: is the behavior you see truly detrimental to the development of the child's moral character? Or is it just one of those irritating (but not devastating) things that kids do from time to time?
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CrunchyMom
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kbfsc wrote:
| I am so encouraged to read that other delightful boys can be bears when they are 6 and 7. My almost 8 year old boy is so tough right now. It's been a terrible disruption to our whole family. |
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Really? Cause I'm scared to death that my three year old will be getting worse.
Potty training him might kill me. Will soccer help?
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JodieLyn
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Lindsay, honestly, I won't go to battle over potty training.. usually once they're somewhere between 4 and 5 they'll go with daddy and be trained simply and easily and I don't have to go there. All my boys so far resisted before then.
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KauaiCatholic
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kbfsc wrote:
| I read on another thread here (can't remember which one) about a book called Raising Your Spirited Child. I'm not usually much for parenting books, but this one has literally changed my life. It has given me an insight into this child's heart and many practical suggestions for handling our drama. |
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DITTO!!! (and to the other comments above.) still dealing with mine at the moment so no time to type, but it looks like everyone is saying what I would anyway. prayers for your patience and perseverance!
Mothers of Spirited Children Unite!
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KauaiCatholic
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OK, another DITTO:
JodieLyn wrote:
| I won't go to battle over potty training ... All my boys so far resisted before then. |
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exactly the same here. but once we made it, on HIS time frame, we never had a single accident. EVER. I had a friend at the time who was always sniffing about her kids being potty-trained before 2 ... I stopped letting it bother me when I learned they were also chronic bed wetters/dribblers/sloppy bathrooomers. my little guy may have been late, but he is a perfect gentleman, which made the Pull-Up years worth it, in my mind. but that's just my .02.
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albeto
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glinNC wrote:
Help! I am at my wits' end with what to do to get through to a strong-willed 7 yr old boy! He is such a sweet boy when he "sets his mind to it," and then he can also be a downright bully when he "sets his mind to it" ... hurting his older brother or disobeying me at something.
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A few things that have been successful in our home:
- A flow chart that shows the flow of consequences of either following directions or not / accepting "no" appropriately or not. That way, when the consequences are realized, he doesn't see you as the bully that took things away but his choice because you'd talked about it. I had one printed (two, actually, one for each scenario) and wrapped them in packaging tape (like laminating) and stuck them to the fridge. We went over it in the beginning and allowed ds to ask any questions. When he was on the verge of a meltdown I would walk over to the fridge calmly, academically, almost, and talk about which of the choices he might like to make.
- Asked him on the verge of a meltdown what it is he wanted. With my ds, it was his lack of communication skills that frustrated the situation. It was bad enough not to get what he wanted, but to not know how to express what he wanted (or in his case, identify it himself) made the situation harder.
- Talked out loud when exposing appropriate behavior. Remember when he was a toddler and you talked about whatever was going on? "Look, Johnny, the store has red peppers on sale today. I think red peppers are yummy in a salad. Daddy loves red peppers. Let's pick one up..." It's the same idea (but age appropriate), "Hey Johnny, thank you for putting those cars out of the way when you were done. You moved them so no one would trip over them and I think that was very considerate of you. That makes me happy."
- Teach old fashioned manners. My boys hold doors open for people when we go through not just to teach them good manners but to teach them to look around to see if someone needs assistance. Dh doesn't do this so they don't have any modelling but most people smile when I stop my 14 year old and have him open the door "like a gentleman, please" for the lady with her baby stroller or the older lady who remembers when people did that all the time.
- They empty the car of groceries for me, take down the laundry from the line, get the mail from the box, feed the dogs, etc. Again, the idea is to teach him that he doesn't just look out for himself but to be mindful of those around him to see if others need help (okay, I'm really pathetic at this, my sis does this with her boys and I'm jealous of how they're turning out - mine has ODD tendencies here so I am not consistent at all).
- Encourage whatever he's good at. Feeling good about himself made him more willing to think of and be considerate of others.
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Rosesinsummer
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Thank you for this thread. I have a strong willed 5 year old daughter who could give these boys a run for the money.
We were at a friend's home last night and I was so embarrassed due to my own pride issues. My daughter was being very selfish, manipulative, and bossy in the toy room with the other girls. My friend has very docile, accommodating girls, so it just emphasized my daughter's domineering, selfish behavior.
Sigh.... I have a lot of work ahead of me! She's extremely emotional-- cries and whines at the slightest thing, very moody, has a tendency to be quick to anger (which for her, includes crying right now), and is very outspoken, stubborn and bossy. It's her way or the high way. She dominates her friends. She can also be very sweet and loving, too. She loves to talk (sometimes inappropriately to even strangers-- need to work on discretion with her ) and she loves to make friends. She's very sensitive to other people's moods and can be very kind, too. It just seems her misbehavior issues overshadow her strengths right now.
I admit I have not disciplined her as well as I could. She is very exhausting to parent.
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kbfsc
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Rosesinsummer wrote:
| I have a strong willed 5 year old daughter who could give these boys a run for the money. |
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(Not sure how to quote... hoping that comes out right.)
It helped me so much when a friend, who is also a pyschologist, father and grandfather, told me that 5 is an emotional age. If the child tends to be spirited or intense in any way, things will just be louder, faster, crazier around age 5. Another friend with an intense daughter assured me that things would peter out around 5.5 or 6, and, with my spirited daughter, things have gotten better now that she's 6.
Waiting for that significant improvement with the spirited boy...
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JodieLyn
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Kbfsc you just need to leave the part that "closes" the quote as well.. that would be the [/QUOTE] part at the end of the quote.
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melanie
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I haven't read all the replies yet, but we have an extremely willful 9yo booger. We have had this child with us for three years, and he came with a plethora of developmental and behavioral issues, and maybe all of this isn't necessary for anyone but us....but I'll share the most effective thing that we do. It's kind of involved, I know, but this is our only child we have had to do anything like this for.
He has four "levels"...don't laugh. I realize this must sound funny. His four levels are "purgatory", venerable", "blessed", and "saint". Each level has different behaviors that get you there, and different privilages (or lack of) associated with them. We generally decide what his level for the following day will be at bedtime, but some behaviors have to be dealt with right away and get his level moved immediately. For example, hitting, lying, etc. gets you automatically put on purgatory and you stay there for the rest of the day and all of the next day. Achieving the higher two levels, especially the highest level, requires not just the abscence of bad behavior but the presence of active, cooperative behavior. He doesn't get saint that often, but that's ok. I wanted the highest level to be a reward for "above and beyond" good behavior, and the privilages on it show this. Purgatory is for really unacceptable stuff. Most of the time, on better days, he is on blessed and on not so great days he is on venerable.
Detailing the whole deal gets really involved, I'll stop here and share more if someone is interested...have to go finish putting lunch on right now. I will say that this method, while it may be a lot to deal with for your average kiddo, has been extremely useful for us and very effective. We have been using it for, oh, several months now at least...maybe nearly a year... I'm not a big "dangle a carrot" kind of parent, and in a perfect world I could get this child to behave by his virtue and mine...hopefully we will get there some day. In the meantime, this child needs some serious carrots.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Disciplining a Strong-Willed boy
