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Bethany
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| Posted: Sept 21 2009 at 12:51pm | IP Logged
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My almost 4 & 6 yo's are drving me up the walls. They are inseperable, but bicker and argue (yell/scream) constantly. I don't mean 2-4 times a day, no, 2-4 + times per hour!!! My whole day seems to be spent intervening and I'm absolutely exhausted. My mom's advice is to seperate them, of course, but that only lasts for so long. I haven't come up with a way to seperate them for a whole day. They're both equally responsible, it's not one sided.
Sorry, I'm just at my wits end. Add to this that I'm 10 weeks pregnant, my husband just left to be out of town for 2+ weeks, and my already short patience is almost non-existent. I'd appreciate any advice on how to calm things down.
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 21 2009 at 1:25pm | IP Logged
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Sounds like you need a consequence that they won't like each time it happens.. since you intervening and seperating them isn't enough. That way they have a reason to avoid the confronations. ALSO catch them when they're getting along and give them attention for that. It seems difficult because you're spending the "quiet" times doing other things.. but mom's attention.. even getting into trouble is highly motivating.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Sept 21 2009 at 1:39pm | IP Logged
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Bethany~
About a year ago, mine were that age and really annoying each other all.the.time. I basically went into "emergency-mode" and....basically spent every waking minute following them around, never leaving them alone....and intervening as soon as something started to escalate....with repetitive phrases, modeling good behavior and appropriate consequences, etc.
Also, coming up with "catch phrases" to use ALL THE TIME, OVER and OVER really helps with that age. It can be anything.
"Hands to yourself."
"It's ok to be angry. It's not ok to hit."
"In our house, we (fill in the blank.)
"You get what you git, and don't have a fit."
There is a thread that may have some good phrases that you could use: Poetic Gems for Manners/Training/Discipline
**Or singing songs.
**Look at what is setting them off. Can those things be avoided? Changed?
**WHAT exactly are the arguing about ???? Can you come up with some catch phrases for those things?
**Role playing with those things???? Sharing, gentle touch, loud voices, things that hurt?
**Get daddy involved in the evening to role play.
**Show them..."what if I did this to daddy?" The 4yo will get this, but not the 2 yo, of course.
**Picture books about getting along with siblings.
**Create situations where they can help each other and then praise and recognize that.
**Use "feelings" so that they start to have a vocab for explaining things to you. They get frustrated cuz they can't explain what their sibling is doing to them.
Do you need help with "consequences"???....that's something else that we can brainstorm....let us know.
I also like the book Siblings without Rivalry...much of it will be for older children, but it DOES help to read this book when your kids are younger....cuz you really are setting the stage for later.
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Suzanne in ID
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Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Sept 21 2009 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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Adding: I commit to emergency-mode for 2 days at a time...then go back to the regularily scheduled program and see if things are better. Usually they are. If not, re-commit to 2 more days. I warn my husband, eat take-out or leftovers, don't do laundry or clean anything, and usually don't go anywhere.  It's not fun, but worth it in the long run.  
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Suzanne in ID
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Bethany
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| Posted: Sept 21 2009 at 5:48pm | IP Logged
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Thank you Suzanne and Jodie! I definately need help with consequences. Growing up it was only my brother and me, we are 2 1/2 years apart, and went to school and day care, so this wasn't a constant issue because we weren't together 24/7. We were also kids who complied pretty easily. My mom admits neither of us were like my 6 yo. I find this to be a problem to me in so many areas. Growing up our house was always clean and quiet, because no one was ever there! So I'm completely making it up as I go along since I have no one to look at as an example. I love having my parents close, but at times it adds to my stress because I know they wouldn't allow some behavior I don't have a problem with and they still have an immaculate, don't touch house, where as I'm much more laid back. So my mom thinks at times it's as simple as seperating them and telling them to stop  . I wish that were so.
The emergency mode sounds good, if I can keep my energy up to that level for a whole day.
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Bethany
Wife to Mike, Mommy to Amelia (6/02), Sarah (10/03), Martha Grace (10/05), Rebecca Anne (12/07), Laura Catherine (3/10) and Reed Michael 7/4/14.
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cvbmom
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| Posted: Sept 21 2009 at 8:42pm | IP Logged
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SuzanneG wrote:
Do you need help with "consequences"???....that's something else that we can brainstorm....let us know.
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Uh, yeah, please let's!!!
I could REALLY use a discussion about realistic and good consequences.
God bless,
Christine
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Mimip
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| Posted: Sept 22 2009 at 7:36am | IP Logged
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Okay I don't have much time but this is a problem close to my heart since my 7 and 9 year old went through this about a year ago and I had to go into emergency mode too!
Talking consequences I think the rule to remember is to find "their wealth"
For example, what is going to really effect them. For my children it was alone time in their rooms. They really don't like to be alone while the whole house is bustling with excitement. The other major one was sitting at park. We would get to the park and they would sit for a predestined amount of time and watch the other children play. (Then they were able to play but oh, how they hated to sit there and have to explain to their friends they could not play) 
Another major one is not getting to join in on the night reading time. This one is used very sparingly but when the girls started to argue about space they last their night reading time. They continued the next evening and lost it again. On the 3rd night they figured out their "assigned" seating spots and were able to listen to story time!
I have a ton more ideas but no time, hope others can contribute!!
BTW, Good luck and lots of prayers coming your way for patience.
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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cvbmom
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| Posted: Sept 22 2009 at 10:36am | IP Logged
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mimip wrote:
I have a ton more ideas but no time, hope others can contribute!! |
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I'm taking notes - keep the ideas coming.
I think it's my consistency (or lack thereof) as well...
God bless,
Christine
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Wife to dh - 18 years!
Mom to dd (16), ds (15), dd, (12), dd (11), ds (9), dd (8), dd (7), ds (5), dd (3), ds (2), and ds (1)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 22 2009 at 10:49am | IP Logged
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oh yes, figure out what motivates them.. and remember when it really "hurts" they may well tell you how they don't care about whatever that thing is.
I also found that at least for some of mine, sending them to their room didn't work because they would self-talk themselves into believing they were a victim and miss that they were responsible for their behavior.
That's when I went to standing facing the wall next to me when I needed them to be seperated from everyone. I could make sure they stayed on track for correction rather than talking themselves into being victims.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Sept 22 2009 at 11:12am | IP Logged
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Started a new thread here: Consequences
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Suzanne in ID
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Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Arguing siblings
