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Karen T
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Paula in MN
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Karen, I'm sending up a lot of prayers for you right now.
I have a dd26, and I've BTDT with her. No matter what was taken away, no matter what consequences were lost, she continued to destroy herself and her family. She had a child and was in several destructive relationships. In many ways she has matured and is now married, however their lifestyle and religious beliefs are...questionable.
I think part of the problem is your ds KNOWS the tension between you and your dh....and is taking advantage of it. You and dh need to talk and present a united front to your ds. That will help more than anything else.
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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sarahb
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Deceit bugs me too.
What if you spoke with him about a particular time he can use facebook and set it in stone so he could feel like he has some freedom to waste some time there, but you still limit his access and definitely his privacy on there?
Would that help him to be less deceitful? Honestly if you know he has done something wrong, do not ask him about it, because you know he will lie. Instead confront him with the fact and then if he begins to lie, walk away. Say to him that you will not allow him to lie to you and tell him it hurts you!! and it hurts him too.
I know facebook is a waste of time but kids really dont see it that way. To him this may be a very important thing right now.
If you can respect his views on facebook, no matter how silly it seems, maybe he'd be more respectful of your rules?
Im sorry you and your dh arent seeing eye to eye.
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Barbara C.
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Can you find another male mentor for him to interact with while your husband is gone? And perhaps rather than "talks" with your husband, maybe he needs some good male-bonding time. I'm sure your husband is tired on the weekends, but boys really need male mentors.
I recently read "The Wonder of Boys". (That reminds me that I have a blog post to put up about it.) And he talks a lot about how boys love their moms and need their moms in certain ways but once they reach adolescence they really NEED males and need their moms to let go somewhat.
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Barbara
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Karen T
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Taffy
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I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties Karen.  I don't have a teen so I'm not even going to venture to help there. Just know that I'm praying.
I thought I'd mention retrouvaille, not because I have any personal experience but because I have heard so many positive things about the program. I hope things get better for you and your family soon. 
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
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guitarnan
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Karen, I don't have any great advice to offer, but I do empathize with your frustration in speaking about these issues with your son. I will pray very hard for you this week, particularly for your peace of mind in the midst of all of your family issues. It's very hard to maintain any kind of sense of balance when stuff like this is going on.
May Our Lady enfold you in her mantle of peace and intercede for you with her Son. She knows what it's like to be the mother of a teen boy...
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Karen T
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melanie
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I'm praying too...it's so painful to see harmful character traits in our kids.
I don't have a child this old yet, my oldest is 13, I don't know if that makes a difference....maybe I'll feel differently in a few years. My gut reaction is that it is absolutely backwards to give this young man freedom to see if his behavior improves. It should be the other way around. My advice, for whatever it's worth, is to give him a set of requirements to be met to earn whatever privilages he is wanting. Lying and sneaking around are definitely *not* signs of being mature enough for more freedom. You might be very specific...if we can go "x" amount of months without lying/sneaking/disrepectful talk/whatever behaviors you are working on, then you may have a facebook account/more computer time/whatever privilages he wants that would be ok with you.
But of course, you have a bigger issue here...getting your dh on board. And for that, I don't have any great ideas except marriage counseling from a good Christian counselor. Would he be up for that?
I'm sorry, really, about the problems with your son...my 9yo has similar, ah, character flaws,,,I have no reason to think I will have magically cured him by the time he is a teenager. 
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
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allegiance_mom
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Karen, I am sorry for your troubles. I do think that your marital problems are at the heart of it all.
Is your husband Catholic, or religious at all? Church-going? Can you talk to your priest and seek help like Retrouvaille (not sure if I spelled it right)? Or marriage counseling with a Catholic-friendly counselor? For your husband to let anyone to tell you to "just shut up" is an indication that there is serious trouble you need to address. Pray hard to St. Jospeh, and to the parton saints of you husband and children.
If your husband is away so much, even if you cannot work out your issues between you two, you still might insist on having the last word in child discipline, since he is hardly there. If he would agree to it. I have a relative who lives in the Pacific Northwest with 4 children while her husband lives in San Diego (because of his job with the military). She is the final disciplinarian, out of necessity.
Also, even if your husband will not take away the cell phone and internet, you can still control the grocery purchases. No more cookies, ice cream, or whatever else it is that gets eaten and lied about until an apology is give and cash restitution (from your son's pt job) is made to the family grocery budget.
You also might insist he go to bed (or at least to his room ) when the last adult does. He is not allowed to leave his room again until morning.
Good luck. I'll pray for you!
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Allegiance Mom in NY
Wife 17 years
Mom to two boys, 14 and 8, and one pre-born babe in Heaven (Jan 2010)
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Leonie
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I have found that some of my sons are more prone to disrespect than others - is it personality? Relationship? Not sure.
I do call them on disrespect, nip it in the bud - and then leave the room or ask them to leave for a breather, to beg further discussion so we don't spiral into an even more disrespectful discussion! 
With deceit, I find it helps to look at teens as toddlers i.e. going through a transitional stage. So, just as I would try to avoid a situation where a toddler has an opportunity to lie, so I would do the same with a teen. Not asking about the cookies but asking him to bake some more, for example. Trust in little things.
Personally, I also like to give a bit. What do I mean? Well, some of my teens have Facebook accounts - gosh,so do I! But I am their friend online so I can check on what is happening and say if I think something is inappropriate - or if we need a Facebook free day, as we did last Ember Day. I think it helps to realise that they are in this world and we can monitor something (books, online stuff, movies) now while they still are at home and in formative years, by saying yes and then hanging out with them, building a relationship - even an online one, or a movie and music discussion night!
I struggle, too, there are no recipes with parenting, are they? Even with seven sons, four of whom are no longer teens!
Prayer helps, of course! 
Catholic Prayer For Teenagers
O Lord, omnipotent Father, we give you thanks for having given us children. They are our joy, and we accept with serenity the worries, fears and labors which bring us pain. Help us to love them sincerely. Through us you gave life to them; from eternity you knew them and loved them. Give us the wisdom to guide them, patience to teach them, vigilance to accustom them to the good through our example.
Support our love so that we may receive them back when they have strayed and make them good. It is often so difficult to understand them, to be as they would want us to be, to help them go on their way. Grant that they may always see our home as a haven in their time of need. Teach us and help us, O good Father, through the merits of Jesus, your Son and our Lord.
Amen.
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Leonie in Sydney
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lapazfarm
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I am so sorry. This sounds like a very, very hard situation.
Since your husband refuses to attend counseling with you, I would suggest that you go yourself. It isn't ideal, of course, to go alone. But perhaps you can at least find some help in dealing with all of this.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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stellamaris
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I know many of the ladies on this forum are holding your intentions up in prayer. I also will be praying for you and your entire family. I have had some of the same issues with a few of my (no-longer) teens. If it is any help, they have grown out of these rebellious and immature behaviors, but it took a few years. I know how easy it is to just distance yourself from them emotionally as a means of self-protection, but they do need you, even if they don't particularly like you right now!
You might consider whether you can "loosen the reins" in any areas. If the computer use is one area you aren't willing to compromise on, it sounds as if YOU will have to check the computer and lock it up when dh finishes using it. Your son's technique of blaming you and trying to make you feel guilty seems to be working for him, so try not to let him do this. A very good Catholic counselor I worked with when my own ds had similar issues (at a time when my dh was having to work away from home, btw) suggested this response: when you tell your ds the consequence of his actions (e.g., no computer for two weeks) and then he begins to verbally object in every possible way, including blaming you, just LOOK at him in a bored way and let him rant. Don't say anything. It's kind of like a toddler throwing a tantrum, he's using anything he can think of to undermine you. There is nothing for you to say, explain, or change. Just look as bored as you can (maybe try to focus on saying the Rosary mentally, instead of listening to ds). This works, but it's hard to do. Sometimes I managed, and sometimes I just didn't have the self-control to be silent!
Also, could you book the Retrouvaille weekend and make the arrangements? It doesn't matter who does it, but it does sound as if you need serious marriage work.
I'll be praying for you and your husband.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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Leonie
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Also, I know I didn't address the dh issue. I really like your idea of acceptance of your dh and his personality. I find that I have to accept my dh as he is, some things change, some don't, but we all have good and bad points, don't we?
What has been helping me this last month or so is a daily prayer I have been praying,prayer of a wife. The prayer helps, the focus of my mind on my dh and vocation also helps, in many different, little ways.
A Wife's Prayer
O merciful Lord God, who in the beginning didst take Eve out of the side of Adam and didst give her to him as a helpmate: grant me grace to live worthy of the honorable estate of matrimony to which Thou hast called me, that I may love my husband with a pure and chaste love, acknowledging him as my head, and truly reverencing and obeying him in all good things; that thereby I may please him, and live with him in all Christian serenity. Keep me from all worldliness and vanity. Help me, O Lord, that I may, under him, prudently and discreetly guide and govern his household. Let no fault of mine aggravate any sins by which he may be especially tempted; enable me to soothe him in perplexity, to cheer him in difficulty, to refresh him in weariness, and, as far as may be, to advise him in doubt. Give me understanding so to fulfil my part in the education of our children, that they may be our joy in this world and our glory in the next. Grant that our perfect union here may be the beginning of the still more perfect and blissful union hereafter in Thy kingdom; and this I pray through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
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Leonie in Sydney
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jdostalik
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Karen,
I am praying for you--no words of wisdom--but you have gotten so much good advice here. Hugs.
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God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
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Bridget
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Karen, I read your post earlier, didn't think I had anything to contribute, so I didn't post. Then a friend called me and wanted to discuss the exact same problems with her 15 year old. So I thought I would come back and mention some of what we talked about.
At this age, punishments are a bit like closing the barn door after the horses are out. This is a heart issue. The suggestions to let up a bit and give him more rope are good. Have firm boundaries but make them as wide as you can. Because you have little back up and recourse for constant battles. Keep telling him you give him boundaries because you love him so much. Tell him he'll just have to humor an overprotective mother sometimes.
When he lies, try humor. "Oh you must have a little Irish in you, tellin' good stories like that. But I can see right through ya! Don't even try it with this tough old Irish mum!" Then more seriously, "If you wanted more cookies, just ask, I would pick some up for you, I am happy to make sure you have food you like."
Don't ignore the disrespect. Tell him, "Son, that is way across the line of disrespect, it's bad for your soul, it's bad for our relationship and it's bad for your brothers and sisters. Please help me create a pleasant atmosphere around here."
I think the most important thing you can do for your son and all your children, even if you have to let your standards slide, is build up your husband. I don't know how you got to this point, but I am going to suggest a starting point for repair.
No matter who is at fault, do this. EVERY day smile at your husband when you see him. EVERY day tell him thank you for supporting the family or give him a genuine compliment. Even if the best you can come up with is to tell him what beautiful children he has. EVERY day tell your children something good about their father.
Take any part of this that will help and disregard any part that won't. These are sorta the bullet points of what my friend and I came up with this afternoon.
God Bless your family, your a wonderful mom to persevere!
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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stellamaris
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Bridget wrote:
I think the most important thing you can do for your son and all your children, even if you have to let your standards slide, is build up your husband. I don't know how you got to this point, but I am going to suggest a starting point for repair.
No matter who is at fault, do this. EVERY day smile at your husband when you see him. EVERY day tell him thank you for supporting the family or give him a genuine compliment. Even if the best you can come up with is to tell him what beautiful children he has. EVERY day tell your children something good about their father.
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This is such excellent advice. One idea that helped me actually do this years ago when my marriage hit a rocky patch was to take to heart the Scripture where St. Paul says:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil. 4:8
Taking this advice literally, I sat down and made a list of EVERYTHING I could think of about my husband that was true, noble, right, etc. I added to my list those characteristics of my husband that had first attracted me to him as well. Then, whenever I would begin to have negative thoughts, to mentally pick him apart, I would consciously stop myself and read the list. I would choose one positive trait and make myself think about that instead. By focusing on these positive traits, I was able to see the good in my husband and re-ignite the love in our relationship.
One last thought here- remember that your children will soon grow up and leave the house, but your husband will be with you for many more years. Don't let the kids drive a wedge between you and your husband. Teens are capable of doing this to get their own way (not intentionally, of course), but it is not good for them or for you to allow it.
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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SharonO
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I had some issues with my 16 year old son this summer. He had been away at summer camp for 3 weeks and expected many of the same freedoms he had there once he got back home. I finally ended up writing him a letter so I could rationally express all the things that were upsetting me and he could read it without being defensive. My son then wrote me back his response- why he insisted on playing this certain game, what makes him mad, and other things. It really helped clear the tension in the air at the time. We loosened the reins on some online stuff but did not compromise on the disrespect issue.
Another suggestion for you and your dh- have you seen the movie "Fireproof"? If not, send your kids to grandmas and have a date at home night. Maybe start your own "Love Dare".
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Sharon in MO
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Karen T
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Karen T
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: lying sneaky teen
