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Syncletica
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| Posted: July 26 2009 at 11:57pm | IP Logged
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if you had a neighbour child across the street, whom you didn't really like very much. (Your dh can't stand him.) He is not being given a very good upbringing. Sets a bad example to your children (not that your children are perfect, but nevertheless you're trying to instill good behaviour.) Encourages a ds to disobey you. Throws rocks at another of your children. Whispers to your ds that your oldest dd (8) is "sexy"!!!!!!!!!!!   A word they've never heard before. And this child is only 5 or 6. It seems obvious that we should cut off any type of playing. Problem is if my children want to ride their bikes or scooters it has to be done in the front, as it's kind of hard on gravel and I don't want them in back alleys. As soon as they're out, he's out begging to come over. (Even if they're not outside, he'll be yelling for my son at the top of his lungs from their sidewalk wanting to talk to my son.) Playing in a backyard gets boring quickly too. As long as we're here and they're there, it's going to be impossible to cut off everything. I don't know what to do.
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folklaur
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 12:24am | IP Logged
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no good advice. i'm sorry.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 12:29am | IP Logged
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Hold on until school starts up and give your children time outside in the front when he's not there? 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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folklaur
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 12:46am | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
| Hold on until school starts up and give your children time outside in the front when he's not there? |
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ohhhh, see that's a good idea!!
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BrendaPeter
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 6:13am | IP Logged
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Pray for your family to love him and treat him as Our Lady would. This is a wonderful opportunity for your family to practice several spiritual & probably corporal works of mercy. Since he's only 5, there's plenty of hope for him. God put your family across the street to give this child what is missing in his family. Our Lord dined with the sinners for a reason. Your children will actually learn a great deal from the example of his behavior. Try to inspire them to help you on this very "special mission" of bringing Christ to the world, one soul at a time.
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Brenda (mom to 6)
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Mackfam
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 6:16am | IP Logged
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I LOVE Jodie's idea!
Chances are, you're going to have to interact with this child again. I would plan on being present anytime he's around. If I'm too busy to be completely attentive - enough to catch a *whisper* - then the answer is a firm but kind, "I'm sorry you'll have to go home, we can't play with you right now." Period. I would make as little of it as possible.
Now, for the times you're able to be available and he's around, I'd use the same mommy voice any time he's there. I would instantly respond to shenanigans with very firm, but gentle words...
**We absolutely do not encourage disobedience in this home. You can choose to help _____name____ be obedient or you will have to go home. Which would you like?
**We do not throw rocks at anyone or anything here. You can either drop the rocks and continue playing nicely or go home.
**I'm sorry ___name___, but we don't use that kind of language here (sexy) around our family. If you can't keep those kind of words to yourself, you'll have to go home.
Clear cut if/then choices for the child. Be prepared to enforce. This sets clear boundaries in your yard and around your family. It also lets your kids know that you are consistent even when situations present themselves outside the family norm.
We have a neighbor child that enjoys playing here. He does not have the same rules at his home that we do. I am very firm, but kind with this young man and I'll be honest, he craves being over here now. He has reacted to the boundaries and example set by our children in a very positive way. If I walk outside to check on the children now, he's very polite. I'm sure to include him in special popsicle treats, etc.
Like Jodie, I think you will find respite in the school months. If he must be over at your home playing, it's on your terms with your family rules...or he goes home.
Praying for you! It does feel unsettling when all of a sudden we feel trapped because of an outside influence. Take back your yard! 
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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LucyP
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 6:18am | IP Logged
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Well, my chilren never play in the street so it is back garden or nothing, unless we all go to the park or a walk etc. We do bike riding, scootering etc on walks at the park.
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Taffy
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 8:31am | IP Logged
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I think that you should let him play with your children as long as you're there to supervise for all the same reasons Brenda gave. Chances are, this boy doesn't have a very good home life and is in need of parenting.
In our situation, I've made it a point to treat my children's friends as if they were my own in that they MUST follow house rules. If they can't or won't cooperate, they are told they can go elsewhere. Most times, they would rather follow our rules.  Of course, I'm talking in terms of showing respectful and good behaviour here. If they are here for a meal, I don't insist that they pray with us but I do insist that they are quiet when we do for example.
I used to feel differently until we had a situation where a child BEGGED to be allowed to stay here and it turned out that there was abuse happening at home.
Or, the children come from a broken home and need some parenting.
Or, the child might have special needs that aren't obvious.
In any case, the child is in need of guidance and, while I'm able, I personally believe that God calls us as Christians to reach out to them.
Just my opinion here. There have been MANY times where I've been cranky about stuff like this. But, whenever I pray about it, that's the answer that always comes to mind.
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Susan
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Susan's Soliloquy
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Syncletica
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 9:57pm | IP Logged
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I forbid my children from playing on the street, too. That's one of the things this boy has done as well, talking to my children in the middle of the street, having them join him on the road to see something. When that happens, they are reprimanded and sent to the back. I did have one week where he was not allowed to come over at all unless I was there, b/c he was using not nice language. Finally the one day I said, yes he could come over, and he promised he'd never talk bad again if was allowed to come over. It was rather funny, actually. But, it has gone worse and if I do let him over, it will definitely have to be when I am present. As it hasn't worked otherwise. What I am concerned about nonetheless is the bad companions we are to avoid.
One quote from St. John Bosco -
"Listen to the words of the Holy Spirit: 'He that walks with the wise shall be wise: a friend of fools shall become like to them.' Fly from bad companions as from the bite of a poisonous snake.
If you keep with good companions, I can assure you that you will one day rejoice with the blessed in Heaven; whereas if you keep with those who are bad, you will become bad yourself, and you will be in danger of losing your soul."
Pretty strong words.
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BrendaPeter
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| Posted: July 28 2009 at 7:14am | IP Logged
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Syncletica wrote:
What I am concerned about nonetheless is the bad companions we are to avoid.
One quote from St. John Bosco -
"Listen to the words of the Holy Spirit: 'He that walks with the wise shall be wise: a friend of fools shall become like to them.' Fly from bad companions as from the bite of a poisonous snake.
If you keep with good companions, I can assure you that you will one day rejoice with the blessed in Heaven; whereas if you keep with those who are bad, you will become bad yourself, and you will be in danger of losing your soul."
Pretty strong words. |
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Great quote! As in all things, prudence dictates.
Time spent with others who don't share your values should be restricted. We purposely built a home in a very private spot primarily to avoid this issue so who am I to talk  ! However, now that my kids are older & I've grown in my faith, I see these situations as "little inoculations". In the past, I was too restrictive which did not help foster a love for souls in either me or my children. While we certainly must protect our children to a certain extent from bad companions, we must also bring our light into the world. A real challenge, I know, but that's why God has blessed us with husbands who typically show great wisdom in these matters.
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Brenda (mom to 6)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 28 2009 at 9:15am | IP Logged
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Now apply that quote to the child across the street.. where is he to find companions that are not bad? So back to what Jennifer said.. you being present anytime he's there so that he does behave while areound your children.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Maddie
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| Posted: July 28 2009 at 11:45am | IP Logged
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Being charitable to him doesn't mean you have to allow your children to play with him. There are many people we are kind to but do not spend time with them because of their negative behavior/influence. I really don't see the point of allowing your children to be exposed to his bad behavior, they are still being formed themselves and need good friends and examples to learn from. I'd pray for him, smile at him when you see him and ask how he is doing but I would never, ever allow him to play with my children.
Your St. John Bosco quote was beautiful and I have saved it.
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~Maddie~
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Stephanie_Q
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This is a very interesting discussion to me because we have a neighbor (7) who has a tendency to cause problems. Even though we live in the country...we're the only ones nearby, so he rides his bike over here...comes in the house and wanders around looking for us.
I have had to do a lot of what Jennifer does, but at the same time have that quote by St. John Bosco in my head, as well. I think that this is more important when our children are so young and easily influenced...I am not sure that we are called to go out and be light and salt until we are confirmed (?) so, I appreciate what Maddie said. We really don't mind him working with my husband on a Saturday project, but I don't like him coming over to play with my girls every day...or my 4yo ds looking up to him.
We did have an interesting incident today, though. He is one of those kids who has an iPod and goes to hockey games with his dad, has a gaming system and TV in his room. His much older brother and cousins expose him to a lot of inappropriate (for a 1st grader) media, too. When he came wandering into our house today, he saw the boys playing with their wooden train set and said, "Wow, that's such a cool toy!" It made me do a double take...as he put down his pocket knife in order to check it out.
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dd 6.02, dd 8.03, ds 3.05, ds 12.06 at Catholic school.
dd 12.09 at home.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What would you do....
