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insegnante
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| Posted: July 22 2009 at 12:23pm | IP Logged
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Scout day camp was about a month ago, but today my 7-year-old son calmly said out of the blue, "I wonder why no one at Scout camp wanted to be my buddy [as in the 'buddy system']. Maybe it was because they don't like me so much?"
 So of course we told him that the other kids just don't know him that well, that they probably know each other better from school, living near each other, etc.
Once probably a year ago or more he said, "Nobody wants to be my friend" and "I want a friend" in a hurt voice. I don't remember exactly on what he based the first statement. We were out front at home at the time and he seemed to be reacting to something there, but it's not like there are kids out available to play with all the time who choose not to play with him. It seemed like something that had been bothering him for a while and maybe he had just seen some kids pass by that he wished would stop to play or something but didn't, I just can't remember the specifics.
Anyway, of course there is an emotional response of wanting to just go "find him some friends ASAP," and of course it's not that simple. And we very much want to avoid "peer orientation." He does have an almost-5-yo brother with whom he plays a lot, but the little brother's special needs (probably very high-functioning autism or PDD-NOS) make that different from a typical 5yo and 7yo friends situation. And maybe it's specifically that he wants to feel accepted outside this family where he already knows he belongs.
We wouldn't say anything about this to him, but like his parents, at most schools for example, he'd probably be more the type to end up picked on than "popular." (Oops, I just accidentally said, "D____, go fit in" while writing this, when I meant to remind him to go down the hall to play while his baby sister naps.   ) But (as if anyone here would think this is particularly likely to be untrue of those prone to being less "popular!") he is a smart, nice boy with many interests.
Any thoughts?
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: July 22 2009 at 4:18pm | IP Logged
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oh, I wish I could hug your little guy (unless that freaked him out, of course) and introduce him to my lonely 7yo DS.
this is an issue close to my heart, if not for all the same reasons. our DS is very social but we have had a heck of a time finding friendships that last. in the 4 years we've lived here he has made 4 friends, all of whom have moved.
it breaks my heart when he says, mom, why don't I have more friends? so my heart goes out to you and yours. I am sorry I don't have any advice but I will be watching for comments from someone else here who does. in the meantime, I'll keep your DS in my prayers.
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 Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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jenk
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| Posted: July 22 2009 at 4:27pm | IP Logged
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We had a similar situation with my now 8yo. At one point he even said he wanted to go to school but after discussing it with him, we found that it was just the lack of being around other kids that he wanted. We haven't done scout camp but he is involved in cub scouts and it did take a little longer for him to find his niche... mainly because most of the other boys knew each other from school. This will be his third year in scouts and he feels a part of the group now, but it took a little longer for him.
I don't know if that helps at all, as it's just our experience, but I understand where you are coming from.
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Jen
with 2 boys, 14 and 8, and a girl expected 1/09
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MarilynW
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| Posted: July 22 2009 at 4:48pm | IP Logged
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O Theresa - you have me Once I am more organized and less tired we will meet up with you at a local park, visit you or you can all come over to our house (whatever is better for you) - we have LOTS of boys here of all ages who will be friends with your sweet boy.
And re popular - I am reading Bringing up Geeks and she talks about how being popular is not all it is cut out to be. Quote in the paper today - Popularity is the easiest thing to gain and the hardest thing to keep - or something like that!
Hugs
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Marilyn
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MarilynW
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| Posted: July 22 2009 at 4:50pm | IP Logged
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Another thing - boy scouts at that age (from my experience locally) is crazy, and quieter kids may not find it comfortable. Maybe you could try something like Blue Knights instead - my children do not do it but I can get you the contact number for the local group - a lot of nice kids there and it is local or was last year.
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Marilyn
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Maria B.
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| Posted: July 22 2009 at 4:59pm | IP Logged
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I have a seven year old boy here in the same boat. He longs for some friends his age. Where do you live?!
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Maria in VA
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: July 23 2009 at 5:56am | IP Logged
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My ds is 6 and we struggle too. The really sad thing is that we belong to a homeschool group and all my children have friends in the group except this one. The boys are all just a few years older, but it's just enough to make my ds seem too young to play with them. They are nice, but he knows they aren't really "his friends". To make matters worse we had a little boy move in a few houses down. My ds was SO excited! Unfortunately, this little boy goes to school and doesn't seem to like my son . He would rather hang out with my older son, and lets the 6yo know that  .
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Becky
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momtokea
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| Posted: July 23 2009 at 10:46am | IP Logged
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I have a 7yo boy, too. He doesn't have a lot of playmates. We do have playdates with a couple of families and I find the playdates don't go well anyway. There seem to be a lot of issues with the little boys, and after a while they seem to go off and play alone.
I have two dd's ages 9 and 11 and when they have friends over 7yods causes problems with them (interferes in their games, doesn't cooperate when they do try to include him). It is very frustrating for everyone.
I don't know what his problem is, if he feels left out or just doesn't know how to socialize. I just don't know what to do to help him. I have almost decided that there will be no socializing with other children until they can figure out how not to have issues. But then that's not fair to my dd's because they are fine and happy playing with their friends as long as ds doesn't interfere.
Is this typical and common for boys this age? I feel like I have an unsocialized homeschooler.
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insegnante
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| Posted: July 23 2009 at 11:48am | IP Logged
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Marilyn: I would love to do that, with my own disclaimer about when "more organized and less tired!" (In fact I'm so tired that I originally wrote "when less organized and more tired...")
Maria: We're in western Fairfax County. One of the things that may contribute to my son's loneliness is that I don't drive so we are limited in what we can participate during the day. My husband sets his own schedule though so we are not always stuck at home during the typical workweek. I am planning to take driving lessons when we can afford the time and money.
Back later with more comments, I hope.
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Theresa
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Sarah
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| Posted: July 23 2009 at 10:11pm | IP Logged
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When my oldest son was this age we went through this until LAST year when he turn 12. He has some friends now. It broke my heart. I would cry.
Now my just turned 8 yo told me this summer that he has no friends and that all the kids on his soccer team know each other and don't talk to him. He befriended a little 5 yo at his older brother's baseball games and that was cute, but not the same as a friend of similar ages. Its so hard to watch, but I think its normal, even in school. Kids often don't feel they have any friends although they are in a classroom setting.
Maybe God gives them this longing at about age 7 to make them become more aware of others. There is probably some reason for it as it seems so common.
It has been such a relief with my now 13 yo to finally feel he has friends, other homeschooled Catholic boys. The funny thing is that these boys have always always been right under our nose. Right in our parish! But they just never gelled or were at different stages in development. They are having fun now seeing each other once a week or so, nothing too demanding.
Hang in there! It is so hard to watch.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: 7yo son and friendship/loneliness
