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mom2mpr
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| Posted: July 09 2009 at 8:37am | IP Logged
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I am on this kick to get the stuff out of my house. I am trying to get my kids and dh on board with this project. I think we are making progress there, but it is slow.
Now, I have my parents and dh's side giving us all sorts of stuff. My parents just left after filling their van with a table saw, rug, lamps, and more, and leaving it all here. It was very hard as we don't have room for most of the stuff and they were hurt we really weren't thrilled to accept it. One item was a large decorative hooked rug my mom made years ago that she wants out of her house, but not out of the family. She showed it to dd and even found a place on the wall in her room for it. Friends say I should hang it up when they visit--but I have enough problem getting the bathrooms clean before company. My mom is most hurt if I don't accept and use the stuff she gives me. It is so hard.
Dh's dad will also be bringing a table saw. Yikes!!! Dh's uncle just gave ds 2 car trunks full of boxes of baseball cards! They take up a 4 ft by 3 ft(and 3 feet high) section of the basement!
How do you charitably handle this? Especially when they might be looking for their old things on a return visit?
And they also "give it to the kids." The 2 table saws are ds's--and he is 11!!
Need some ideas ladies..
Anne
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 09 2009 at 9:07am | IP Logged
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Anne, at some point you will have to say "no". And they will be hurt by it. But if you do it charitably everyone will get over it.. and it won't be as hard in the future.. because you will have already established those boundaries.
As far as them "giving it to the kids".. well, kids have limited room for their things, ask that uncle if he'd like the cards back after your ds picks out his favorites to save or if you may give/sell them.
If you have no use for table saws and no storage for them.. well it would be pretty easy for it to be inappropriate for an 11 yr old to have that. They may keep it for when he's older but if they need to get rid of it now they need to look elsewhere, you also do not have the storage for it.
And if they go around you and try and give it to the kids without your permission first.. well imo that's a ticket straight out of the house, the kids will learn fast you don't undermine parental authority if they lose anything they get that way.
Now how to do it charitably.. be truthful to start with, I'm sorry mom, I really do not have space I want to give up for that special to you item, perhaps you should offer it to... And if she still insists, mom, I will be getting rid of that if you leave it here. Then if she leaves without it, you've already told her it wouldn't stay.. and you get rid of it.. and she gets there and it's gone and she's hurt, mom, I told you that I would not store that item, I'm sorry it hurt your feelings. Don't be mad, just be matter of fact and kind in your tone.
But really, I doubt you'll have to do full battle after the first couple of times as long as you do what you say. They'll figure out that you mean it and stop foisting stuff off on you because you let them.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: July 09 2009 at 10:03am | IP Logged
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Wow, Jodie, you are good!
I need to get a little backbone, I guess  It is what I want to say, but......
Anne
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Waverley
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| Posted: July 09 2009 at 12:03pm | IP Logged
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I agree with Jodie about just saying no. We have had to do this as well.
As for all things in life when you have to say no - the key (imo) is to give a reason that is free of a value judgment and non-negotiable. For example, the following statement expresses a value judgment that can lead to defensiveness and hurt feelings - "Mom, we can't accept the Santa collection because we try as a family to downplay the role of Santa at Christmas." A better answer might be "Thank you so much for thinking of us. Unfortunately, I don't have enough room to store the collection at my house. Perhaps you could contact a retirement or children's home to see if they would like the collection to decorate with at Christmas. The collection is so lovely, I'm sure it could bring happiness to people." This statement does not criticize her choices but acknowledges the gift and helps her find another home for it. (As you may have guessed, this scenario actually occurred at our house)
Good luck!!!
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Waverley
wife to Dh for 19 years, dd (16), dd (11), dd (8), ds (6), dd (4), dd (9-13-1996)
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Milehimama
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| Posted: July 09 2009 at 12:25pm | IP Logged
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When they show up, you *could* say "Great! I was just planning to have a garage sale!" or "I was just going to make a run with some stuff to St. Vincent's... throw it on the trailer!" LOL
We get this somewhat, too, though not as bad as I live in a different state from my parents. But whenever they visit they always bring things like my old girl scout uniform, trophies, family art, and so on.
Have you tried saying things like "I'd love to take it, but can't store it. Can you keep it for me?"
Also setting limits, such as saying "I'd love my old childhood books. I have room for 6 and I'll come get those 6 on Saturday". Or, the baseball cards - "We can keep 20. Would you like the rest back or should I list them on eBay?"
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Milehimama in Houston
Mother of 11 - 8 Church Militant and 3 Church Triumphant
Mama Says
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: July 09 2009 at 12:32pm | IP Logged
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We always say, "Oh, thanks for thinking of us! If we can't keep anything, we'll just pass it on to someone else. Is that OK?" (said VERY CHEERFULLY!)
That way, they can't expect you to HAVE THINGS on a return visit....you've already SAID, you'd pass it along if you couldn't keep it, so you took yourself out of the obligation.
And, then everything goes right to Goodwill...we have a special corner in our garage for "stuff to leave" and believe me.....it DOES, usually within a couple weeks or so. You have to be willing to DO this,of course.....we have a ton of donation places within a couple miles of us, so it's no big deal, but if you're not close or it's not convenient, this isn't the way to go, as you run the risk of things piling up too much.
OR, if it's not OK, then they change their minds and keep it, but I've never acutally had that happen.
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Suzanne in ID
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: July 09 2009 at 12:34pm | IP Logged
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"Oh, we just don't have room for those XXXXXX....thansk for offerin, though. Do you want them back? Or I'd be happy to drop them off at St. Vincent's for you!"
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Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: July 11 2009 at 1:00pm | IP Logged
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You could always try a little reversal of roles if things get too hard. You know, take a load of your stuff to their house saying "I don't want to throw this stuff away, but I just don't have room for it at my house." 
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
Box of Chocolates
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Clearing the clutter??
