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teachingmyown
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 4:36pm | IP Logged
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Earlier I posted a prayer request, part of which has to do with a decision I need to make.
During this past school year, I was paid to watch two children, 13 yr old girl and 11 yr old boy, during school holidays. Honestly, despite their ages, it was much more stressful than I could have imagined.
Yesterday, as our financial situation was really weighing heavily on my mind and I was praying for a solution, I got a call from the mother of these kids. It turns out she is hoping that I can watch them this summer. Sounds like an answer to prayer, but...
I just don't know what to do. The children are unusual and drive me crazy. It is not that they are bad just a little "different". I saw some of their behaviors being exhibited in my kids, (again, nothing major just annoying) and was so relieved when I thought our time together was over.
On the other hand, these kids were so happy here.They have been teased and mistreated in other childcare settings. And we need the money...
Would it be selfish to turn this down? Life in general is really stressing me out these days. The money would ease some of that, but is it worth it? Am I unkind to not want to reach out to these kids and give them some of the joy and freedom that my kids have?
I am really on the fence here. Somebody give me a push! 
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7/2- Well, I decided to give it a try and we started this week. So, four days so far, and it feels like a month.  About the same as I expected, but I have another concern now.
Three of the four days, I have only had the 12 yr old boy. The 14 yr old girl has been in some sort of mental health day program because apparently had been having trouble with her medication. Yesterday, her mother informed me that the doctor wanted to put this child into a full-time residential facility for the next 14-30 days. They wanted to stop all of her medications and evaluate her, with the suspected diagnosis being schizophrenia. I agreed with the mother to a wait and see approach as to whether the girl would come back to my home after that time.
However, her mother told me today that the insurance won't cover it, so the child will be back with me on Monday. I haven't had any real trouble with the girl, and certainly didn't suspect any serious mental illness. She is moody and awkward and sometimes gets testy with my younger kids if they get too close. On the other hand, she has difficulty respecting other people's personal spaces.
I am just not sure I am comfortable with this. I hate to put them in a bind and I know these kids really need a safe, kind place. But am I putting my family at risk? What if her new medications cause her to act out?
I know it probably looks like I make my decisions by taking a poll, but I do worry about making good decisions when my motives are questionable.  As my dh said, if I want out of this job, this is the perfect time and reason to back out.
Am I overreacting here?
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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CatholicMommy
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 4:49pm | IP Logged
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My first thoughts are about YOUR family - what is the most important for your family? To feel annoyed and stressed at the end of the day, or to have that little extra money, which could come in handy (to pay for the extra medical bills stress tends to cause!).
And if you're annoyed, that may come out in your relations with these children too - and that's not healthy for them either.
So don't think selfishly - you'll get something one way or the other: helping someone out for some extra money - or maintaining your family's sanity.
The question is - is there a balance? Can you set some specific guidelines for behavior (that is required of everyone of course) to help with the "different" behavior?
One thing that might be worked out over the summer in comparison to just holidays, is the routine of being at your house - their behavior would likely fit in with your family more and more (never perfectly!).
That didn't help with giving you a push... just more food for thought!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 17 2009 at 5:09pm | IP Logged
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I was wondering if there was things you could do knowing this was long term and not just a couple hours in the afternoon to help fit their behavior to your family better.
Also, talk to your dh.. talk to your kids.. not in a way that gives them the yay or nay but just to find out how they feel about having the kids around and if they're feeling stressed out or not.
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Cay Gibson
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This is my gut-reaction.
Personally, I'm thinking that, since it's only for the summer, it might not be a bad temporary bandaid on your bank account.
But be sure to evaluate (and re-evaluate) your stress-level and situation before talking to your husband. Only *you* know if *you* can really handle this. Our homes should be sanctuaries to our families.
I avoid any undue stress if at all possible. Then, again, one of my very dear Catholic hsing friends told me one day that "we pick our own stresses in life."
Don't we?
Perhaps, taking a spiritual aim, it would help to look at your home as that "domestic church" that we're always talking about here.
What would the nuns do?
What would Mother Superior say?
What was their policy in the days when they took refugees into their monasteries?
One added thought...dig up a copy of "St. Benedict's Rules" and go over the rules and see how they apply to you and your "monastery."
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LucyP
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| Posted: June 18 2009 at 7:51am | IP Logged
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A couple of times I have done something a little similar - in my case, sharing our home 24/7 with two different needy people at different times. I do believe that in each case it was God's will - but in each case He helped me see my own selfishness and weakness very clearly, and because I was not able or willing to rise above and allow it to make me more holy it became unbearable very very quickly. I think in each case, what made it very hard was that the two people were not living "our way" and by "our rules", and when we had younger students stay who did abide by our rules and live as if they were our teenagers it was much better - although like having teens of our own still a bit of a challenge! Even if it proved a bit stressful, it could be a great way to be hospitable, to help your children and yourself grow in holiness and a bit of extra money - but I think it would be very hard unless your rules were respected. Maybe if your dh was able to share the ground rules would the guest children pay more attention?
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JennGM
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Molly, I would think it this way: do you find trying ways to scrounge and scrimp more stressful than caring for these children?
From reading your post, it sounds like it was a lot of stress. Is having the extra money really worth it? School years are hard; the summer should be your family's breathing, resting, refreshing time.
Think ahead to the next school year after a summer with this stress? Will it be easy to dive in?
Just my two cents.
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Mary G
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| Posted: June 18 2009 at 8:56am | IP Logged
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Molly -- I was in a similar situation last year in Denver ... and it was really hard just because the kid I was watching was so different from my own and used to his own way.
That said, when I talked to dh about it he mentioned that it might be better for the little boy to be with us ... that that was more important than the small quibbly problems ... that one of the reasons the parents wanted us to watch him was so he COULD BE around our family.
Prayer and talking it over with dh would be my suggestion; also knowing ahead of time how they are would help. Make sure you don't do anything different but have the same rules for them as your own kids ... have them join in with what you are doing ... make sure the ground rules are clear between you and the mom ...
Does that help? I'll keep you in my prayers and sending 
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jdostalik
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Praying for you, Molly. I would talk with your dh and your older children and then make your decision. Perhaps if the whole family is on board with accepting these children for the summer, then it would be an easier transition.
Hugs!
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Jennifer in TX
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Pilgrim
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I try to look at how will a situation affect the emotional/relational atmosphere of our home. In our home, that is most important to me. There may be a bit of stress relief from the financial end. But, does it actually relieve enough to make up for the atmospheric change having these two young people around causes? Don't know. For me, I would say no. But, each person and family is different. I know that keeping my emotional state as peaceful and positive as possible is one of the biggest helps in creating a positve home life for my family. And, yes being a "light to the world" and positive influence on others is good, but my first line of obligation is to my family, and I have to stay with in my limits that I know I can handle. HTH. Praying for you.
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: July 02 2009 at 6:48pm | IP Logged
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Update and new question in original post. Help, please!!!
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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sewcrazy
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Molly,
That seems like a lot of responsibility to be taking on yourself. If the drs were concerned enough to want to put her in residential care, you need to be careful. You seem to have a lot on your plate with out another family's burdens.
I ran a daycare for many years. I often had to remind myself that I did this to ease my family's burdens not increase them.
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LeeAnn
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mellyrose
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Molly,
I'd back out if I were you. Your kids come first, and this young woman needs much more help than you can provide.
As a mom who is struggling with child care issues - I can understand the need of this family - but I also think that your kids and your family need to come first.
I'll pray for her & her family (and you!)
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LucyP
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Dear Molly, obviously you and your dh must do what feels right for your family who are your primary responsibility. maybe that means saying no, or yes but reviewing it.
But I have two children who are at greatly increased risk of developing schizophrenia or other serious mental illness due to their genetic inheritance from birth families, and I would hate for them to stigmatised as possibly dangerous. The absolute huge majority of schizophrenic people (if that ends up being a diagnosis she is given) are no danger to anyone (except sadly themselves) and there is a huge variation in how it can manifest itself, and being moody etc is pretty normal for a 14 year old girl (not that you need to take on someone else's teenager's hormones for them anyway!) I have spent years working with a mentally ill young child in my home alongside of our children once they came here (she had a whole alphabet of diagnoses, including bipolar) as well as working with severely mentally ill adults and I know that I personally would feel safe with this young lady, but I live in a titchy house with only two children and we are always together in the same room.
I think maybe a difference for you is that you have a lot of little people as well as a few bigger ones around and that is a lot of people to keep an eye on and to keep safe if any difficulties did arise.
This is your summer for you and your children - I am so aware for our family of how each summer seems to be gone before we get to enjoy it. If 4 days feel like a month, that's maybe a sign that it is too much - could you share the role with another family, to split it up so you got a day at a time or something? Do you have a priest who knows you well and can advise on your best and most Christ-like course of action - I would be torn between wanting to be Christ-like to these children and to my own children...Prayers for discernment. You have such a good heart not to just pull straight out - your concern for these children is a beautiful testimony in and of itself.
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Lavenderfields
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Sorry, no advise, just my prayers for you and your family.
God Bless
Robynn
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: July 03 2009 at 10:04am | IP Logged
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LucyP wrote:
I think maybe a difference for you is that you have a lot of little people as well as a few bigger ones around and that is a lot of people to keep an eye on and to keep safe if any difficulties did arise.
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I think this really hits on my concerns. My dh just said I would need to keep a closer eye on her. That is easier said than done. In addition to my own little ones, the 12 yr old boy has severe ADHD and literally has the attention span of a 2 yr old. So, that alone has been hard this week. He runs from one thing to another and doesn't really listen. He gets into things and leaves the house without telling me.
Thanks for you kind words, Lucy. I really feel for this family and always want to help. But I think you have helped me understand that just wanting to help doesn't mean that it is right for my family at this time.
Thank you all for your advice and prayers!
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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Angie Mc
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Molly, ask yourself objectively, "Am I experienced or trained to provide for the special needs of these children?" If the answer is no, this in no way minimizes your love and care for these children or your desire to be helpful. Next question, "Am I willing and able to get the experience or training I need?" If yes, you can look into becoming a therapeutic foster parent, which is no easy or quick task.
I've worked with kids of all ages in a variety of therapeutic settings, including my home. I have experienced and witnessed first hand how families can be put into care-giving situations that are WAY over their head, setting everyone involved up for failure. Molly, honestly, it sounds like you should not be asked to do this work in the first place. It sounds like the children's mother needs to battle with the powers that be until she finds both of her children the appropriate level of care that they need. It is a truly loving act to humbly say, "Right now I don't have the skills/environment/time to meet the special needs of these children." Perhaps, your "no" will open the door for a "yes" from someone who does.
I'm praying for you and I love your big  . St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle!
Love,
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Providing childcare-Update/question
