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Becky Le
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| Posted: June 08 2009 at 4:59am | IP Logged
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This is something I have been really struggling with over the last 6 months or so with my older children. I don't know if it is because they are home full time this year (for the first time) and have come to expect lots of cool field trips and activities (and therefore part of the adjustment to hsing process) or if it comes with the age but my 9 & 8 year old have become really whiny and ungrateful lately. It seems as if nothing DH and I do for them is good enough. If we go to the zoo they whine if they don't get to buy something, if we go to a park they whine if they don't get to stay longer, they always want something more.
I picked my son up yesterday from a birthday party which started Sat. afternoon, included a sleepover, swimming on Sunday morning and then a trip to a really cool amusement place. When I picked him up Sunday afternoon all he did was complain about what he DIDN'T get to do. I realize he was tired but still, not a single positive word? I could write this off if it were an isolated incident but it seems to be par for the course lately.
I don't think my kids are spoiled, we don't really have enough money to spoil them. But they did just get to blow $150 after First Holy Communion (that was less than 1/2 of their gift money and most of it was used on vacation) so I think that sort of set them into this "mode" of spending. I do try to do fun field trips and whatnot throughout the year and they are involved in scouts and sports but I don't think we do any more or less than anyone else we know. Heck we haven't even had a week long vacation in years, just a few long weekends throughout the year.
DH wants me to stop taking them anywhere for a few weeks, possibly a month. This makes me really sad because we just finished school and I was really looking forward to the zoo and the museum but if that is what needs to be done I will do it. I just don't know what to do.
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Becky, loving wife to Chris and mom to Stephen (11/99), Elizabeth (04/01), Catherine (08/04), Natalie & Samantha (10/07)
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Mary K
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| Posted: June 08 2009 at 6:07am | IP Logged
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Can you leave them home with your husband one day and go to the zoo or museum alone? Be sure to mention often how nice it was to go, how grateful you are to have it to visit and you sure hope they can join you next time. 
Make a gratitude list with your children.
For the older ones, complaints=extra chores or coins.
HTH and God bless,
Mary-NY
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: June 08 2009 at 6:57am | IP Logged
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Becky,
What a wonderful thread!
A few thoughts from my GoogleReading this morning. 
"What we pay attention to is how we spend our lives. So I nickle and dime my life away..." ~ Ann Holy Experience
Add up the nickles and dimes (figuratively speaking) in your day today and add them up at the end of the day.
and
Fr. Alexander Schmemann wrote, “I think God will forgive everything except lack of joy; when we forget that God created the world and saved it. Joy is not one of the components of Christianity, it’s the tonality of Christianity that penetrates everything.” ~First Things
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: June 08 2009 at 9:13am | IP Logged
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One thing that has helped with my children in the past is doing some pre-teaching. Before going to the zoo say something along the lines of:
"We are going to the zoo today! How lucky we are to be able to have so much fun! We will be leaving at 3 oclock. Lets be sure not to spoil our day by complaining when it's time to go and be thankful for the time we have."
Then while at the zoo, perhaps mid-day, remind them again:
"So much fun we are having! We need to leave in a couple of hours.Lets remember not to spoil our day by complaining about leaving. Instead we are going to remember what fun we've had."
Again at leaving time:
"Well, we have had so much fun here! How lucky to have been able to spend the day this way! Since it's time to go, let's be sure to think about all of the fun things we've seen so we can share them with daddy when he gets home!What was your favorite part?"
This doesn't always work, but it does seem to cut back on the whining.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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Kathryn
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| Posted: June 08 2009 at 9:18pm | IP Logged
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I've been known to have my 8 and 10 yo write a list of (insert #) things they ARE thankful for when they're acting a bit too selfish, whiny, lack of thankfulness etc. Or sometimes I'll just start saying what I would want them to say in a very exaggerated but very nice way like "oh WOW Mom, I'm so grateful I got to go to that party, I had so much fun swimming, WOW I can't believe I got to spend the night, thank you so much for taking me and picking me up and buying a gift for my friend...." Does that make sense? I don't even respond to the negative comments and just act all syrupy sweet with joy about what they SHOULD be thankful for and they usually get it.
This is also the time I reevaluate how I've been treating them and my DH. Amidst all the daily chores and work to be done, I find myself slacking in giving thanks to them all and I constantly have to watch my own tone. So, I've also tried to give thanks to them each personally when I realize may be I've been a bit too harsh in expectations of chores, school work, helping watch the baby etc. and to show my thankfulness for the things they HAVE done.
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(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Marcia
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| Posted: June 09 2009 at 9:07am | IP Logged
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I made a 12 grateful journals last December and try to put a word or phrase into it each day. My kids are pleased to find what I am grateful for in a month! (each page in my journal is 2"x2". it's tiny) Each month I can look back and see at least 30 things I was grateful for. You could just as easily use poster paper on a wall and begin to write things you are grateful for!
I think it can be difficult to see what the underlying need is when kids are "ungrateful". I have seen that age 9 can be a really increase in rudeness. It's developmentally appropriate! ugh! Modeling seems to be the best med in our family.
Prayers that you find some happiness today.
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knowloveserve
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| Posted: June 09 2009 at 10:16am | IP Logged
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Marcia, I like that idea; thank you!
Ingratitude shows up in our home sometimes and is immediately nipped in the bud.
If the children don't take care of their toys and throw them all over the house and refuse to clean them up... we talk about how there are many kids in this world who would LOVE to have those toys and be sure to treat them better. They get a warning that we'll give them away... and if the offense continues, we do! This has helped tremendously on that front and we rarely get past warnings anymore (some toys are just so great I can't bear to part with them so they get put in the attic for several months or somesuch. My poor son can't seem to handle taking care of the Legos... so we've told him he can have another chance when he turns 7).
As far as attitudes, it often happens upon return from a certain, rather spoiled, friend's home... and we immediately say that he will not be able to play with him anymore if he comes back like this, or at least be grounded from this friend.
If it's ungratitude about how much ice cream they got scooped or what little gift they received etc., we immediately warn that it will get taken away altogether if they don't stop complaining.
I also think it's imperative for us to show gratitude in our day to day lives! Even in the littlest things...
This is why I like the thought of the day idea Marcia posted. I think I'll start putting a large word on the whiteboard each morning...
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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Nique
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| Posted: June 09 2009 at 10:23am | IP Logged
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We've been struggling with this as well! I'm so grateful this thread came up! Super posts too!!
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I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice cream straight out of the container. ~Bill Bryson
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: June 09 2009 at 10:43am | IP Logged
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The descriptions of this book seem to fit the bill. I'm dying to read it:
Tending Roses by Lisa Wingate
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Maria B.
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Yes, especially after reading this book review of Tending Roses.
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Maria in VA
Proud Mom to 10 Great kids!
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Marcia
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| Posted: June 09 2009 at 6:52pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for the book suggestion Cay! Off to ILL.....
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Lavenderfields
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| Posted: June 09 2009 at 11:22pm | IP Logged
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I like to discuss with the kids before going on a field trip what will be allowed. If we are going on a field trip to a zoo or a museum, I let them know before hand if we will have an opportunity to go into the gift shop or not. If we are able to buy something, the limit is set before leaving the house. We can't always get something from the gifts shop, but sometimes it is fun. My kids already know that if we go on a field trip and we can go to the gift shop, it is usually a book related to that field trip  . A zoo book from the zoo, a book about tides from the Aquarium, etc.
I will also ask them what it the most important thing they want to see that day then I make sure we see those items before we leave. It gives them an opportunity to help in the planning as well.
I will also discuss our time alotment before going as Theresa discussed above.
God Bless
Robynn
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Becky Le
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| Posted: June 11 2009 at 10:35am | IP Logged
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Thank you all for all of your ideas and suggestions. I am definitely going to start using them, paying particular attention to watching my own words and attitude!
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Becky, loving wife to Chris and mom to Stephen (11/99), Elizabeth (04/01), Catherine (08/04), Natalie & Samantha (10/07)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Encouraging a spirit of gratefulness
