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insegnante
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| Posted: May 15 2009 at 3:39pm | IP Logged
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I'll probably be frustrated with my ability to capture what I'd like to say/ask, especially while my own 8-month-old girl is practicing her pulling up right next to me.
So, does anyone else who *can* write want to share some thoughts on teaching daughters a good attitude toward physical beauty... especially if you may acknowledge but not really "feel" that attitude yourself?
And by a good attitude I don't mean saying that physical beauty is nothing, that people's bodies are deceptive shells we should try to ignore and it's unfortunate that men, especially, don't only see the "inside." Because that's not the truth. On the other hand, there are many more damaging and more prevalent untruths out there about a woman's visual appeal.
This has been on my mind ever since the sonogram that revealed our littlest one was a girl, but I was thinking about it again yesterday, visiting some relatives and seeing photos of their 15-year-old granddaughter who is really just a beautiful young woman now. That happened fast, I was 15 when she was born!
One other thought that's occurred to me now and again is that almost every girl/woman seems to have a time in her life, maybe 15 years or so, where with any attention at all to presentation she is physically beautiful. I mean probably 90% of young women seem to be basically beautiful -- some more than others but unless you focus on the "flaws" or make it a competition, it's like lilies v. roses v. tulips v. daffodils, reminds me of what St. Therese said about souls being like different kinds of flowers.
I guess this is just rambling in search of conversation. I really want my daughter to be able to properly enjoy the gift from God of being a woman in the "bloom of youth" someday... but I still have issues of the kind I would like her not to have.
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Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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RamFam
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| Posted: May 15 2009 at 9:34pm | IP Logged
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insegnante wrote:
| that people's bodies are deceptive shells we should try to ignore and it's unfortunate that men, especially, don't only see the "inside." |
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insegnante wrote:
| I mean probably 90% of young women seem to be basically beautiful |
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Theresa, forgive me if what I am about to say is at all offensive, but...
Isn't the above contradictory? And how can you possibly say that not all of God's creatures are beautiful?
I have some worries related to my daughter and her own self esteem as well. But I think I would word them more toward wondering how you balance teaching health, nutrition, and fitness vs. dieting, vanity, and outward beauty. I lack most self regard and have a mom who diets constantly, doesn't like anything about herself, etc. I don't want to be the example she gave me, but I am unhappy about bits and pieces of my outward appearance. How do I go about teaching her?
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 15 2009 at 9:50pm | IP Logged
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Leah, that first quote is... (with added bold)
insenante wrote:
| And by a good attitude I don't mean saying that physical beauty is nothing, that people's bodies are deceptive shells we should try to ignore and it's unfortunate that men, especially, don't only see the "inside." |
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You should be as nice to yourself as you want your daughter to be nice to herself because modeling it is going to be your biggest asset in teaching it.
I try and help them see the beauty that is there.. the daughter with the dark brown eyes might see her eyes as not as pretty as a lighter blue.. and I usually compare it to a lovely rich chocolate for her.. just so that she can see it in a positive light. 
I'm not at all reticent about telling my girls they're pretty or beautiful.. but by the same token we talk about the size you should be for health, not for magazines, and point out some of the lovely young women we know who are athletes and healthy and strong girls and hardly the waifs you may see on a magazine. That also helps. We talk about eating healthy, we talk about exercising to be healthy. We rarely talk about dieting to lose weight or make thin be the best thing.. especially since my kids seem to put on some weight and then have a growth spurt and thin down as the lengthen out.. plus we've seen first hand how hard it can be to get clothes that fit when you're real thin.
So I guess just keeping a positive attitude yourself. Don't talk about not liking how you look. Talk about how this or that might show that you're not as healthy as you should be.. address diet for health not for thinness.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: May 15 2009 at 10:01pm | IP Logged
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Oh and Theresa, I was just thinking the other day about how my daughters have their own brand of beauty.. and this was exactly what I thought of..
Quote:
| it's like lilies v. roses v. tulips v. daffodils |
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I was trying to think what flowers I might compare my girls too.. I have one rather flamboyant one.. and one sweet sunny one and another that's not either of the others.. I didn't have time to really contemplate it far enough to come to any conclusions.. but I liked the analogy.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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insegnante
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| Posted: May 15 2009 at 10:21pm | IP Logged
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I don't have a lot of time right now, but I do think there is a sense in which not all God's creatures, including human beings, are physically, visually "beautiful" ... I'm looking at physical beauty as one trait. Not being physically beautiful does not make a person not beautiful so I don't think what I was trying to say is an insult to any of God's creatures. I don't think my inherent visuospatial aptitude or athletic aptitude, for example, are particularly noteworthy, to say the least, and I was thinking of physical beauty as a sort of factual trait on that level. As I've gotten farther away from my own youth (being all of almost 31 now!) and the sense of competition with other young women, I've noticed that it's usually a trait of young women to look nice, kind of like it's usually a trait of flowers (but not of, say, lizards). But I was busy comparing myself to other women rather than just delighting in being the young woman that I was, big nose, strange hairline, "cankles" and all. And so many others seem to do that. Believe me, there is a lot more I could unpack about my thoughts on this subject. It was hard going from what the world says to the alternative error "bodies are just shells" to the idea that taking care of one's appearance has some value and that "men are visual" because God designed them that way and the challenge is for them not to lust and for us not to be prideful or to reduce ourselves to objects of lust.
And I guess the proper stewardship of physical beauty can be meritorious, just like the stewardship of mental or athletic abilities, but just being beautiful, or good with words/numbers/footballs/etc. is not.
Does that make any sense? Maybe not. Like I said, I don't have a lot of time and concentration right now... so of course I am probably producing more text than if I did.
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Theresa
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insegnante
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| Posted: May 15 2009 at 10:28pm | IP Logged
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Another tangential note on the topic... when my daughter was a tiny newborn, people would of course say she was beautiful, and I would think, "All they're really saying is newborn human beings are beautiful, being innocent little creations of God, this isn't really about her being an unusually good-looking baby." Which probably makes me sound like the coldest mother ever, but I was crazy about her, I just didn't think at that age she was visually very pretty or even particularly "cute" in that puppies-and-kittens kind of way. That took a few weeks or so to start showing up more.
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Theresa
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RamFam
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| Posted: May 15 2009 at 11:24pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
Leah, that first quote is... (with added bold)
insenante wrote:
| And by a good attitude I don't mean saying that physical beauty is nothing, that people's bodies are deceptive shells we should try to ignore and it's unfortunate that men, especially, don't only see the "inside." |
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Thank you, Jodie. I was placing a semi-colon on that first comma. It's much clearer now.
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Leah
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RamFam
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| Posted: May 15 2009 at 11:29pm | IP Logged
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insegnante wrote:
| Another tangential note on the topic... when my daughter was a tiny newborn, people would of course say she was beautiful, and I would think, "All they're really saying is newborn human beings are beautiful, being innocent little creations of God, this isn't really about her being an unusually good-looking baby." Which probably makes me sound like the coldest mother ever, but I was crazy about her, I just didn't think at that age she was visually very pretty or even particularly "cute" in that puppies-and-kittens kind of way. That took a few weeks or so to start showing up more. |
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Ha! I can totally relate. Shriveled little prunes used to gross me out. Now I can't get enough them. Not sure what changed.
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Leah
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Ruth
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| Posted: May 16 2009 at 11:23am | IP Logged
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I do't have time to read this thread right now , but the title caught my eye. Here are the lyrics to a song my 19dd read to me. If it's not relevant, feel free to remove it. 
More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are
So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl
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Ruth
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MarilynW
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| Posted: May 16 2009 at 11:48am | IP Logged
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Theresa - I wrote this post a couple of months ago - don't know if it will help Raising Our daughters to have a healthy body image
I was at baseball this morning - and one of the mothers was telling me about how her 4 yod dd in Montessori preschool has become very conscious of how she looks and what clothes she wears - apparently all the other little 4 year olds only wear certain brands, talk about weight etc. (from thier moms I guess) Scary stuff.
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Servant2theKing
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I was having a conversation recently with my adult daughter along a similar vein. We came to the conclusion that very often beauty seems to radiate most in girls and women who have a certain degree of confidence in their dignity as children of God, who readily smile, or even glow with a certain grace and joy, who aren't constantly struggling to present themselves as something other than who they truly are. Contrast that with women or girls who are very caught up in portraying a culturally acceptable image, who are often dissatisfied with their own God-given image, who seem to wear sour or unhappy demeanors as an accessory that accompanies not feeling acceptable, by worldly standards.
I think truly accepting ourselves, being at peace with our own image, as daughters of God, is critical in helping our daughters and others be comfortable with their own self-image. When we are really comfortable in our own skin and aren't constantly striving to re-fashion ourselves into someone else's image and likeness, we can best raise up new generations of young ladies whose beauty is first of all evident to God, Who created us all, and will also shine forth to those who encounter His precious feminine creatures, in the flower of youth or the bloom of old age! When we celebrate our beauty in God's eyes, we give Him glory...we reflect His glory...when we condemn ourselves, or any part of how He designed us, we insult the One Who made us. He loves us just the way we are! We do well to remember that for ourselves and our precious daughters!
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: May 18 2009 at 9:37pm | IP Logged
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I can't remember where I read/saw it...but they were talking about most kids who have eating disorders have parents with eating disorders. It is often a learned behavior that is either repeated or rebelled to an extreme. And I totally see it.
My husband and MIL are always talking about their need to lose weight...and my oldest started making comments about being fat around age 4. Thankfully, we've talked her down to understanding that she is the perfect weight for her age and height. Of course, I am on the other end of the spectrum. I am constantly needing to gain weight. So, I do worry about how our unhealthy eating habits on either extreme will carry over to our girls.
My oldest DD is really into fashion, and she really likes the show "What Not to Wear" on TLC. I wasn't sure about the show at first, but they have a lot of positive things:
1. You should buy clothes to look good on the body you have instead of waiting for the body you think you should have.
2. Clothing should be age appropriate and classic rather than trendy.
3. Clothing should be a reflection of your inner beauty--not a tool for deflecting people from your inner self or beating people over the head with your inner self.
4. Everyone has a unique (not "odd-shaped") body and since the end of tailored clothing everyone must try things in order to find things that truly fit their body correctly--even those with super-model bodies.
I don't know if any of this helps.
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Barbara
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: daughters and attitudes about beauty
