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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 09 2009 at 9:31am | IP Logged
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Starting a new thread about a very important topic that was brought up in the Favorite Books on Parenting Teens thread.
Use this thread to continue discussion about "navigating contemporary life with TECHNOLOGY and TEENS"..........
Discussion began:
And, moving some posts over to this thread......
Maria,
It's tough, but I don't think it's tough enough. I wouldn't allow texting at all on their phones. Texting allows them to be in contact with their friends 24/7, unless you want to confiscate phones on a daily basis. They just don't need that kind of contact; that's part of the reason we have them home. And with texting often comes a picture function. I totally wouldn't allow that. They have no control over pictures their friends send and once they open it, it's seen. We both know that even homeschooled kids put some questionable pictures out there in public. And I wouldn't allow a facebook presence in high school (at least early high school) either. Fr. Michael says they can do it and we have to monitor it. That's a great idea, but if you have 3 teens or so and lots of little kids, you just don't realistically have the time to keep up with the tempo of teen facebook posting. Better not to go there at all. Even if you have perfectly golden kids, technology invites all sorts of things into your house and into their heads (even if only for the moment before they can click away or delete it). I do think they need to learn to manage the techno stuff, but not until the later teens. There's enough stress and emotion associated with the early teen years--we don't need to have to deal with the techno stuff.
As an aside, I think it's important to make sure our children are good writers and can express themselves in well developed prose before they start texting, tweeting, and status updating.The habit of texting can easily supersede the habit of full narration.
Gosh, I sound like a total killjoy. There is a joy, though, in innocence and I'd like to preserve that joy for my tweens and teens as long as possible.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Maria B.
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Good points.
I do "confiscate" their cell phones in a sense. The reason we allow our teens cell phone is for important calls when they are away from home. When they are home, the phones are off and in their purses.
Texting ... I have found texting to be beneficial in several instances, when I needed to get a hold of my kids but could not actually speak to them ... long story. Depending on your cell phone carrier, you can reject the picture function. Again, though, texting is used only when necessary. I don't allow our kids to use as a replacement for communication.
Facebook ... if you allow it, definitely not until at least sixteen. I avoided this for a long time. I reconsided my decision with my seventeen year old daughter, after doing a lot of research into social communication networks. I changed my mind because it is the way she and her friends communicate when they are not together. I found that the teens were not using email. And I did not like AIM at all. Being homeschooled and not having her friends "next door" really limited her contact with them. Giving her parameter and limits on her computer time, has worked well for us. Every now and then, we have to review things, but so far so good.
I know her passwords and check her account every week. If you allow Facebook when they are sixteen or seventeen, you won't have more than two kids using it. Then you won't have more than two accounts to monitor. Yes, it is a pain, but many things we have to do as parents are time consuming and nagging.
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Elizabeth
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Really, Maria,I wasn't complaining about monitoring technology being a pain.I know that parenting is expected to be time consuming and I think I'm putting in the time. Some days it really feels like double time. I was just warning parents who might start it in the early teens, that it is time consuming and it can't be put on hold if you're having a bad day with the baby or everyone is throwing up. It IS work and sometimes, it can't be done well no matter how well-intentioned we are--like say, when we're on bedrest or when we have a nursing baby, a two-year-old, and a traveling husband.  This is serious stuff and I think moms new to the tween/early teen age group and to the capabilities of technology need to know that it's a rapidly evolving medium and it needs careful watching (once a week wouldn't work here) and they need to choose not to go there at all if they can't watch very closely.
I also wonder if there's a difference between boys and girls. Michael and Billy were a little before the whole myspace/texting curve. It wasn't an issue with Michael. My teenaged boys don't keep their phones in their purses  . Their friends are a mix, from sports teams, primarily. Boys tend to have a herd mentality. A kid on the team is likely to send something questionable to the whole team in one fell swoop. I don't know the habits of teenaged girls at all. but I do know that boys are very tech savvy. They know what everything can do and they like to take full advantage of tech toys. (For instance, yesterday, I discovered that we have online access on the television, through the Wii). That means that now, there is essentially a computer in the family room. Where are my teens when I'm nursing the baby to sleep and reading to the little ones?...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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JennGM
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A little off-topic, but has anyone see if there are ways to limit texting to only certain phone numbers in any plans? I can see how texting would be helpful, as dh and I sometimes send quick messages when we can't talk just to reassure that everything is okay (or not).
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Maria B.
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| Posted: March 09 2009 at 10:53am | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
| Really, Maria,I wasn't complaining about monitoring technology being a pain.I know that parenting is expected to be time consuming and I think I'm putting in the time. |
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Ooops, ... apologies! I didn't mean to infer that you were complaining.
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 09 2009 at 11:04am | IP Logged
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And i didn't mean to whine.it's just that I'm finding teenagers to be far more time-consuming and complicated than toddlers 
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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| Posted: March 09 2009 at 11:08am | IP Logged
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JennGM wrote:
| A little off-topic, but has anyone see if there are ways to limit texting to only certain phone numbers in any plans? |
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My Verizon plan allowed us to block texting from chosen phones.
This is a very interesting and pertinent discussion, ladies! Thank you for sharing. I'm at the beginning of all of this and just beginning to navigate these waters with great hesitancy. This is all very good food for thought!
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Elizabeth
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We can block texting, but we have to block all texting and it costs us $5 a month/phone to NOT have it.
Here's a question for Maria, because maybe I'm missing something: how do you keep track of what your kids are seeing on other people's facebook pages? do you look at all your kids' friends' pages and albums every week? And do you read all the notes and updates that other kids are writing? My boys play sports with kids from all different schools. Before social networking, that wasn't that big a deal, because frankly, there was just way more attention being paid to the sport than to the cultural things. With social networking, if they are allowed to "friend" their sports friends, you can effectively immerse them right into the heart of the popular culture. Even if only two kids were on facebook, that's an awful lot of reading. This probably needs a new thread...
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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MarilynW
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| Posted: March 09 2009 at 12:03pm | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
Maria,
Gosh, I sound like a total killjoy. There is a joy, though, in innocence and I'd like to preserve that joy for my tweens and teens as long as possible. |
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Elizabeth - if you are a killjoy - what am I? I don't yet have teens - but they have no cellphones, no ipods etc. The kids use my cellphone when they are travelling around (tracfone, boring, no movies) We have no Wii or nintendo or any of that. But they do have use of the computer and email and blogs and all of that - but our one computer is centrally located. They all have "store brand" MP3s that they worked for and afforded themselves - but we control what is loaded onto them - I don't like them to isolate themselves with earphones though so I am strict with the use - they do not take them out when with friends or activities as I do not see them as promoting great social skills.
Our first challenge is going to be with our dd who is desperately working and saving for a laptop as she writes so much and is serious about publishing. Do we allow her to have it in her bedroom with internet access?
I loved your article Maria.
At this point I don't think my kids are losing out at all - and don't come across as ignorant with their friends and sports team members. Of course - the teen years have not yet arrived!!
( On another point - my kids have no problems figuring out all these tech things - know how to text, Wii, Nintendo and ipod just from spending time with friends!!! I still ahem don't know how to text!!)
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MarilynW
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| Posted: March 09 2009 at 12:13pm | IP Logged
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Probably the subject for another thread - but I would love to know why we "need" Facebook, Twitter etc - are blogs and email not sufficient? I am going to have to figure this out before my children start asking me about them.
I guess I am just old-fashioned - I feel I need some more contact IRL with friends than more time online - so many of you even in this post I wish I could sit down with and drink tea rather than more online contact
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Elizabeth
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Just wanted to add: I know that Fr. Michael's guidelines will work for some families. And I am very sure that Maria's guidelines work well for her family. I've learned that those parameters are not enough in my household. I'm sure that has to do with temperaments of moms and kids and such. Like so many prudential decisions, we have to do what works for us. I was offering my perspective because I've been blindsided by technology and teens. Maybe I can give someone else an heads up.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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JennGM
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Elizabeth wrote:
| I was offering my perspective because I've been blindsided by technology and teens. Maybe I can give someone else an heads up. |
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This happened with my mother especially with her sons. That's the perfect word, blindsided. There was a lot of damage. And it does seem if you feel on top of the issues, chances are you aren't -- the technology is always developing in new ways. Sigh...I am enjoying the days while mine are still little.
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I am not quite there in having to navigate the teens and technology thing just yet either, but I thought it worthwhile to mention this. Shortly after I joined Facebook, I received a message in my an inbox from an old sorority sister. When I clicked on it, the pop-up window was a horrificly pornographic image. It made me sick for days.
I know now that the title of that message was clearly spam, but didn't in my first days, when things were coming at me quite rapidly from many directions. If I had been a young girl or, worse yet, a young man, I think the effects could have been devastating.
Just a warning in case any of you were not aware that this could happen on Facebook without any wrongdoing on the part of your child or his/her friends.
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Elizabeth wrote:
Here's a question for Maria, because maybe I'm missing something: how do you keep track of what your kids are seeing on other people's facebook pages? do you look at all your kids' friends' pages and albums every week? And do you read all the notes and updates that other kids are writing? |
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This is a question I am really interested in.
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I wish I had more time to put in my 2 cents.  I've been blind sided too and those teen aged boys....
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This I guess falls into the technology category and that is forum boards. My dd is really enjoying the Fairy Tale Novels board. So far it seems okay. She lets me see anything I ask to see. And even though I'm on this board plenty
for some reason it is slightly disconcerting how she is really really liking the board she visits.
When I thought about it some, and maybe this could apply to homeschoolers with FB and such too, and besides the scary stuff that could happen that Colleen mentioned, I think what makes me wary or question is just how she seems to "get" and "fulfill" a social need by never actually sitting face to face with someone. We all know when we were kids this could never have happened.
The people of our day, or from older generations are the ones who question homeschooling and it's ability to provide socialization. I think as homeschoolers, at least for me, a bit of a defense mechanism comes up when people question that and I say oh no, we go here, we do this, blah blah blah. But then when I see her finding socialization without ever really "seeing" anyone, I feel like we are falling into a "hermit"itzed stereotype. Or is it that ALL teens, no matter how they are schooled do this computer socializing stuff and I'm an old fuddy duddy and no one is seeing that, just my self-possessed critiquing???
Did that make any sense at all???
Just some random thoughts.
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Something else I've heard you have to watch out for is "cyber bullying" where your email or phone or face book is flooded with spam.. potentially spam that is directed at you.. but could also just be nasty stuff.
I honestly didn't read it real close.. I wasn't looking for the info so only the general idea that it's out there remained.
I guess I have a tween she's turning 12 this month. And then a 10.5 yr old as well.
cellphones are out of the question.. I've only just gotten mine.. had it 2 years now. I had no need of it until then, and I resisted until I actually needed it. So I'm sure I'll do the same with my kids.. and there's no real need yet.
They have email addys but those are all picked up with windows mail and I see them before moving them to their email folder (can't beat it for filtering what's allowed and not  )
And mp3 players are loaded by me from stuff we own.
the mp3 players are used more for moving music around the house with adapters for playing on stereos than anything.
So I think right now it's enough.. anything more is going to depend on a lot of things.. not the least of which is ability to hold onto something and not destroy it. 
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Thank you ladies for sharing your thoughts. My son is twelve and recently dropped that he'd like a cell phone for his birthday...in July. We said that's not going to happen because he has no real need for one. It sounds like every child in the public junior high in our small town texts all day long. Yikes.
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I'm with Elizabeth for some of the same reasons.. but also something else...
to ME if I have to monitor something and be that vigilant about it - to me that's a flag that maybe we just don't need it or my child isn't ready for it yet. and that's not even neccessarily a trust issue as much as a maturity issue
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KackyK wrote:
This I guess falls into the technology category and that is forum boards. My dd is really enjoying the Fairy Tale Novels board. So far it seems okay. She lets me see anything I ask to see. And even though I'm on this board plenty
for some reason it is slightly disconcerting how she is really really liking the board she visits.
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Kacky - I feel the same way. My dd is on a couple of young writers forums - my dh has checked them out and they needed a parent to approve joining. But for some reason it is disconcerting to see how much she likes to be on them. (and i ask myself about how much i am on this board too)Also - I don't monitor the posts and there is the potential for inappropriate things,
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Marilyn
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Teens and Technology
