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homewith3
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Did you or your DH have "the talk" with your son? Who chose that..you, dh or your son? What resources did you use?
It is time to have this talk with our 10yo ds and he wants it to be with his dad  and I was sort of hoping he would want me included but at this time doesn't. I sure PRAY DH can handle it as he seems a bit "fearful" of the task at hand 
Any suggested resources for DH to use?
Thanks
Debbie
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Martha in VA
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I used the Family Life resource called Passport2Purity. Although Family Life is a protestant organization and you may want to add in some additional information, I still found it VERY useful. In fact, I can't say enough good about it. It is definitely meant for moms to use with daughters and dads with boys. Also, you really need at least a two day span to get through it all. We went away on an overnight retreat. However, I'd say 10 may be a little young for all that it covers now that I'm thinking about it.
I can completely understand your son's feelings. I'm sure it's nothing personal against you. It is quite sensitive information. KWIM?? 
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teachingmyown
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I had the talk with my oldest, as there were some special circumstances. I used The Joyful Mysteries of Life, a wonderful little book that has been discussed here on 4Real in the past.
I was just telling dh that ds11 is probably ready for the talk and it was his turn. Only fair, since I get all five girls!
good luck.
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Michaela
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We've held off so long that my 12yo ds doesn't care who tells him, but wishes one of us would. 
I wanted my dh and ds to go away on an overnighter, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen because I'll be the one to have the talk. This is my own doing (or undoing depending how you look at it) because after reading The Joyful Mysteries of Life I wanted to present it from that perspective. My dh didn't like me telling him what to say....so he told me to do it.
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Martha
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I did it.
None of us choose it.
a um.. event happened that required me explain things without waiting for dh to get back from a trip to do it.
I think I did okay.
Dh and ds think I did okay.
my son is more likely to come to me than dh with such questions.
probably because he knows it doesn't weird me out like it does dh
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Lara Sauer
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My oldest son is 16 and my second son is 14...I have never planned on having..."THE TALK"...with either of them. I use the time when we are travelling in the car when their other siblings aren't around to engage them in conversations that I feel are appropriate to their growth in virtue.
I am wondering what areas are addressed in this discussion that would require one to go away for a whole weekend?
An example of one of our conversations: the other day, I asked my son to picture himself as a cake, and I had him describe it to me...then I asked him to think about what kind of cake his future wife would be if our Lord calls him to the married state. After he was done thinking about it for a while, I asked if he pictured either cake as having a big piece cut out of it. He said no...I ended the conversation there. I will probably pick it up again in a few weeks, once he has had some more time to think about it.
Another example: the other day my son walked past me while I was attempting to play the piano (oh my ill spent youth!)and he caught my eye, so I looked at him. He said, "What?" And I said, "What, what?" He said in reply, "Well, whenever I walk past you, you ask me if my homework is done, or if I have practiced piano, so I was waiting for you to ask." So I said, "Well, actually you just distracted me, but since I have your attention, I will say something that has nothing to do with your homework or piano." I continued like this, "Since you are 16-1/2, it is likely that you are getting to the age where you might be interested in asking a girl out on a date. Before you ask a girl out, I would like for you to get in the habit of praying a novena for her, to ask God's blessing on her." "What?" said my son. "There," I said, "that was neither about homework or piano!"
I find that conversations like this, impromptu, off the cuff, so to speak, help my kids. They enjoy our "conversations," because they know that I don't speak to the younger kids the same way that I speak to them.
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littlemenmom
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My husband had "the talk" with each of our boys (the 3 oldest) when it was necessary that they hear this from us and not peers. I followed the talk up with a special dinner with Mom (within a few months) where I presented them with a token (for 2 a ring, the other a crucifix necklace). I shared with them that this was a token to remind them to remain chaste. We would really share what it means to be chaste and depending on the child that coversation has gone in many directions. I would pray to the Holy Spirit to lead me, and the grace has poured down each time. Now that my two oldest have entered into the ages that dating is happening among their peers we are going to have another time out with both parents to reinforce the "promise to be chaste" and to seek their own thoughts on what we can do to help them as well as to keep the lines of conversation open regarding any new questions or concerns they may have.
I hope this helps~
Kathryn
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MarilynW
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I have 9 year old boys and a 12 year old girl - and we don't feel that we need to have to talk with any of them yet. They are not in a situation where peers will "educate" them. We are hoping that questions will arise naturally during the course of life - babies being born, movies they are watching with us, etc. We discuss a lot around the dinner table - and I am sure that one day someone will bring it up. I really don't like the idea of a "talk" We talk a lot about modesty, inapproprite ads, behaviour we see around us. We explain why they cannot listen to certain music, see certain movies, have certain friends. We give them as much knowledge as they need. I am praying that when the time is right we will explain what we have to. But I am hoping that we can preserve their "ignorance/innocence" for as long as possible.
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littlemenmom
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Our 3 oldest had entered public school...so, it was necessary. I think it is right to preserve the innocence for as long as possible as well~
Kathryn
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juststartn
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We're having the gradual evolution of "the" talk. A little bit here and there. Our oldest is only 8 (will be 9 in March), but there have been times that we needed to discuss things...
Rachel
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Michaela
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I want to clarify that I don't believe there is a certain date or age that arrives, and then I MUST tell my son. Having "the talk" isn't in my lesson plan book or on my calendar.
For two years, he has been asking to know how the sperm gets to the egg. For us, "The talk" means when he finally knows exactly how that happens.
Two days ago, my sweet boy told me he had to tell me something after his little brother and sisters leave the room. He had figured out the special secret from watching a commercial.  After we were alone, he told me he finally knows that it's when a man and woman kiss...something to do with spit. 
OK. I'm still delaying "the talk" (giving him all the information) -- he is sooo innocent for 12yo compared to the knowledge I had at his age. I'm just delaying because he doesn't need the info and I do believe it will change how he looks at everything.
We have special conversations, the best take place after his siblings have gone to bed. ....sooner or later he will get that final piece of information. I pray it comes from his father or me.
Why go away? Well, it doesn't have to be a "right of passage" day or weekend. ...but it doesn't need to take place around my younger children who should have their innocence preserved as long as possible too. We haven't crossed that bridge yet so this is all new territory.
The last piece of information just doesn't seem to flow from my mouth very easily. That could be the Holy Spirit letting me know it's not time.
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Lara Sauer
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There is no way to beautifully describe the human act of coitus...it is far too sublime a mystery. From a purely aethestic point of view, it is practically impossible to see the beauty. Any description will seem far too graphic and it also leaves out the essential element of "feeling" God's grace.
I think as my sons get older, I am less and less inclined to give "words" to the act itself...preferring rather to give them images of beauty that will, as they ponder on them, give rise to a far greater understanding.
It is essential that we, as parents, preserve the latency period for our children as long as possible. It is of no concern to me at all, that my oldest, at 16 doesn't know how the sperm gets to the egg...in the biological sense. What does concern me is that at 16 years old, he recognizes that it is his responsibility to guard his future wife's chastity...that if God calls him to the married state, that he is her great protector.
More than anything, I want my children to comprehend the beauty, the sublimnity, the awesomeness that is the marital act. Until they have received that from me, I simply don't think they are ready for the biology. They will lose the awesomeness in the graphic.
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Lisbet
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Lara - I agree with everything you stated, and I wanted to do very much what you are sharing, but like many others here, it seems 'the world' may have got to them first - and, at least in my house - we were all caught totally off guard by this.
Does anyone have any suggestions for proceding once some 'damage' has been done?
*edited after further discernment...
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Elizabeth
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I can't remember the name of the document--someone help me here--but i remember doing a series of columns around the time Patrick was born (1994). The bishops wrote a document about educating children in these matters. Two things in particular stood out to me. The first was that we are to preserve their innocence for as long as possible. The second was that the talk really needed to be done by the parent of the same gender. The bishops went so far as to suggest an uncle or good friend if a son's father was unavailable.
Please remember as we discuss this to preserve the privacy of our youngsters. particularly as they get older, I'm finding that my children don't appreciate being talked about online. And the more delicate the topic, the more they want their privacy. This is a public forum...
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Loren
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A Catholic source for information on this entire topic is Family Honor. I (the mother) have used their book, Our Power to Love, when teaching this topic to our boys.
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Mackfam
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This statement issued by the Pontifical Council for the Family in 1995 is so appropriate to this discussion and provides some wonderful wisdom to illuminate this path:
The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education Within the Family
Elizabeth and I are continuing to look for the Bishop's statement she remembers...we'll link it if we find it.
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Jen L.
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I only have a second, but could this be the document (book) that you are referring to Elizabeth?
Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning by United States Catholic Conference , (Washington, D.C.: USCCB Publishing Services, 1990)
link to book at Google Books
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Jen L.
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This looks like a good article (that also might include what Elizabeth refers to??) at Women of Faith and Family:
http://www.wf-f.org/Whitehead-SexEdintro.html
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Jen
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Elizabeth
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I found one of the columns. It's from November 1996--so I must have written it before before Mary Beth was born. I remembered being pregnant and writing in advance of the baby. It refers to Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality.
The column is entitled "The Family: Sanctuary of Life and Faith." A quick google doesn't turn up an online version--it was pre-internet, I guess.
Jen(s), I'm sorry to send you both on a wild goose chase.
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Jen L.
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Don't apologize, Elizabeth. It was a fun and fruitful goose chase  .
(Maybe you can post your old article?)
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Jen
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Having "the talk" with your son???
