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Angie Mc
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For those of you who have or have had a strict bedtime, please share your tricks of the trade and how you develop the habit of “lights out” at a certain time. (Please, no debate about the pros and cons of a strict bed time  .)
In the past our bedtime has been fluid and flexible. Now, for practical reasons, we really need to get to bed at a specific time. All of us agree, 9yo, 13yo, 16yo, and tired old me! I know how much sleep each of us needs at night and we stagger wake up times, so we need lights out at 10:00 during the week. (3yo is on his own routine.) Here are the things that trip us up…
Dad is often working at night.
We like each other too much and like to blab, especially at night.
I have 2 teens, one who by nature is a night owl, the other is moving in that direction (I understand that research has shown this to be expected.) Teen 1 now has college classes that start at 7:30 am so she needs her sleep.
We often have baseball practice until 8:00 and we arrive home at 8:30. Sometimes it takes awhile to slow down. Our prayer time is at 8:30 – 8:45.
When we get over-tired, it takes forever…twice as long…to do our bedtime routine (which should take 15 minutes.)
On nights when we are home, movies or sports on tv can run late.
When chores don’t get done during the day, I’m very likely to try to squeeze them in before I get to bed.
When dh is out of town and we have a homecoming, it is as if all evening rules fly out the window!
Here's our tentative plan:
Make bedtime a non-optional.
Lights out in the front of the house (living space) at 9:30.
Lights out in the back of the house (bedrooms) at 10:00.
Chores may need to wait.
TV can be Tivo-ed and watched the next day at lunch.
Plan a warm welcome home for Dad that fits the available time. (He needs to get to bed, too!)
While developing this habit, have each child take turns being responsible for "lights out". Put a buck in a jar for every night that we follow-through. At the end of February, spend money on a child-chosen fun activity.
Thanks so much for brainstorming with me!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Cay Gibson
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Angie,
We've never had ridge bedtime hours. Some people thought I was crazy when the older three were young. They'd ask "Don't you need your downtime?" Really, I enjoyed having them up and around. I've never been lonely.
The boys are night owls like Mom.  My 15 yr old is a night owl and functions best that way. I let him stay up and sleep late.
My 18 yr old dd is an early riser like her daddy. So is the 7 yr old dd. They are my early birds and function best that way.
The 11 yr old daughter is kind of in-between and flexible.
Angie Mc wrote:
I have 2 teens, one who by nature is a night owl, the other is moving in that direction ... Teen 1 now has college classes that start at 7:30 am so she needs her sleep.
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Concerning teens needing (and taking) a lot of sleep hours, it seems more common between the ages of 13-17 (or so...I'm approximating here). There seems to be a lot of staying awake during the college years, either for studying or partying .
Kayleigh is an early bird but sometimes I see her light on till late. She has to stay up to study and it doesn't seem to bother her. It bothers me much more because I worry about her getting enough sleep. She still manages to handle life nicely without much sleep. Unlike me... 
When my older two became 17, something happend. They didn't seem to need much sleep. My oldest gets up between 4-5 AM to go to work. He takes classes during the day (last semester was night classes) and gets home to take online classes. Then he goes out to the shop until late.
I don't know how either one does it. 
Then I remind myself how young they are and how unburdened they are with anything outside of college...no bills, no rent, no dependents, etc.
They don't need as much sleep because their mind-tank isn't overloaded like ours.
The 20s are very good years.
For the 15 yr old I believe, hormonally and growth-wise, he needs sleep. So I let him sleep. I also understand the unrest some people have at night. I doubt he would sleep if I made him go to bed earlier so I don't. I allowed my oldest ds the same freedom and it hasn't hampered his ability to get up and go to work or get the job done. He is very disciplined.
Not sure any of this helps you as I'm not part of the "strict" bedtime party, but I thought I'd share my experience anyway.
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Cay Gibson
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Angie Mc wrote:
| I know how much sleep each of us needs at night and we stagger wake up times, so we need lights out at 10:00 during the week. |
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I missed this point.
I guess it's important to know how "late" is "late" for each family. Even each member of the family.
I would say 11 PM is an average turn-out-the-lights times for us.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
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CrunchyMom
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With no practical experience with teenagers (except having been one once), my only thought was can you do your bedtime routine right after prayer time? If prayer time is consistent (as it seems to be according to what you've said) perhaps pegging bedtime stuff onto that is helpful. Then, everyone might do that in a hurry to get those last few things done in the final hour since coming back down to finish chatting or whatever might be more of a motivator for hurrying than bedtime itself.
I personally find it cozy to be up in the evening in my robe and slippers--especially in winter time.
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SuzanneG
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brainstorming......
**quieting music
**put a piece of paper or notebook on the wall to list the things that come up that you want to talk about LATER....give it a funny name.
**turn the phone off
**have a quick-fix for those things that "beckon you" chore-wise,,,,,,, ie: throw all things on a kitchen counter in a basket, so you wake up with a empty counter and can fix b-fast, but it doesn't take 5-10 minutes to put things away.
**turn night lights on, so that overhead lights don't need to be turned on. Once I turn the bathroom nightlight on, the kids know not to turn the overhead light on. Keeps the night-time feel.
**after a certain time, no running or skipping (for younger kids...lol)
**after a certain time, whispering only
**only 1 person in the bathroom at a time.
**I have a friend with littles, and older kids who go to school.....she has a big sign that she flips.....it's yellow for "day" and black for "night.....she flips it after dinner when they kick into their nightime routine.
**Brainstorm a list of things to do and not do for dad's homecoming. When my dh comes home while we're doing night routine, they jump around for a minute or two, and then we announce that we're taking 10 min (or whatever) to SIT on the couch and talk and snuggle, and then we'll continue with the chores/get-ready-for-bed while daddy unpacks or empties the truck. Then, once they're ready for bed, he goes in a sits on the floor and chats with them in the dark. We try to avoid the "excited-jump-around-dad's-home" and turn it into "snuggle-talk-dad's-home" time. There is a difference.....in the activity, but not in the goal.
**Keep a running list of things to tell dad the next day, to not forget.
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JodieLyn
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For myself, I don't have teens here yet either.. but for myself I've always found a strict wake up time to help much more than a strict bedtime. Even if I was short on sleep a few days.. if I kept getting up at the same time I'd eventually be able to go to sleep early and get in enough sleep. But if I give myself any leeway in sleeping later.. it only seems to push my being able to sleep to a later time.
But then I also have a hard time going to sleep too early. And have found it much more productive to get up for a bit and then go to bed again in 30-60 minutes.. rather than laying in bed trying to sleep.. apparently the "trying" makes me even more wakeful.. and I could spend several hours laying in the dark trying to sleep.. or I can get up and read or something for a short time and be able to sleep sooner.
I do find with my kids giving them some bedtime with lights ON (in bed, reading, some quiet activities, stuffed animals, maybe crocheting).. seems to help them go to sleep when it's lights out.
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SuzanneG
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Angie Mc wrote:
We like each other too much and like to blab, especially at night.
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Make a conscious effort to prolonging other "talk-times"......
ie: After dinner time?? candles, lights down, comfy-chairs, dessert, tea?
Maybe if other gab-times are encouraged, the desire to gab at night would diminish....
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Maddie
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I'm not sure if this would overstimulate your children or not but one thing that encourages my children to hop in the sack is that they are allowed one CD a night from an audio book. They have a clock radio/CD player in each room and they look forward to snuggling down in bed at night to listen to a good classic story.
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LisaR
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angie, Icould have written your post- we are living the same way around here.
the only thing we have come up with so far is blocks of bedtime depending on age?
but the actualy time may vary?
so, the younger 3 for example- bedtime at 9pm, then Paul and Joe 10 pm, then Tim and I 10:30-11ish??
This way each group gets a little aloneish time attention- including Tim and I!!
I wish I could push it all earlier by at least 1/2 an hour- BUT we. like you have events/practices that end at 8pm. AND have teen especailly who comes alive at 9:30-10:30!!
lurking to see what others do...
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LisaR
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oh, yeah, and 9pm starts "quiet hours" in our home. boys sure can be loud!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
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Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
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Cay Gibson
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LisaR wrote:
BUT we. like you have events/practices that end at 8pm. AND have teen especailly who comes alive at 9:30-10:30!!
lurking to see what others do... |
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I failed to consider this earlier.
We also have many activities that keep us busy until past 8 PM. Lots of go and flow here.
But, almost always, past 9 PM it's quiet. The younger two are in bed by 9 PM and, even if the teens are up, they are on the computer, studying, or working in the shop.
I was thinking in terms of everyone getting enough sleep but I guess it's not as important that everyone is asleep as long as everyone is quiet and relaxed.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
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LisaR
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somehow my teen is healthy, getting great grades, wrestling, (which means at least 1 1/2 hours intense exercise 6 days per week), and getting far less sleep than I think he needs. He's in bed at 10-10:30 ish but reads, listens to I pod, etc til about 11pm, then is up at 6:10 every schoolday on his own.
Sometimes I am not even up til he is leaving at 7:25...
I do let him sleep as he needs to on the weekends, if he doesn't have commitments. I know they say that you can;t Make up sleep, but it can;t hurt, right?
sometimes he'll also nap for an hour or so on Sat or Sun..
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Angie Mc
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This is just great! Do you ever feel like you are very close to a solution to what feels like a simple problem but you just can't *see*? Phew...this is becoming clearer.
Cay, you know I love to hear about how things work for you! I really needed to hear that my teens may not be as tired as I am:). Currently though, because of our current schedule, my teens are the ones asking for more sleep but need help getting it.
Lindsay, I do need to revisit our prayer time peg and see how I can better use it with the bedtime prep peg. Depending on the night and on the person, bedtime prep happens after dinner or after we return home from activities. So now I'm thinking that we need to push the prayer time back on all nights to make room for betime prep when we arrive home.
Suzanne, oh how I appreciate your practical suggestions! Now I can see that I have several of these "tools" in place but just haven't used them at night. I'm going to plug them into my updated plan below! Oh, and I had to chuckle about having other extended times for talking...we do! We must be one of the blabbiest (did I just make word up) people around...except for my dh (poor guy .) We practice the "habit of discussion" (right, Elizabeth) at breakfast (1 hr.), at lunch (1 hr.), while driving (1-2 hours per day), dinner (usually quick these days), and at 2 family meetings per week!
Jodie, you are so right about having a regular wake-up time. We all do but we don't have the flexibility at the other end of the day like we used to. I'm thinking that your idea about bed lights on activities fits with my "front of the house lights out" first then time in the bedroom until lights out.
Maddie, I like the idea of having an incentive to get in bed. I'll go talk to the children about that as soon as I stop typing:).
LisaR, I loved it when we staggered bedtime by the hour or half hour. I'll have to keep it in mind again, even if the staggering is only 15 minutes.
OK...
Here's our tentative plan:
8:30 - Arrive at home. Mom and boys prepare for bed. Play "Sunday Basket" music. Use "Questions?" clipboard.
8:45 - Key chores in front of house.
9:00 - Quiet time begins. Prayers.
9:15 - Lights out in the front of the house (living space). Devin prepares for bed. Key chores for mom in back of house. In bed: read, listen to story, etc.
10:00 - Lights out.
Reminders:
Make lights out at 10:00 non-optional.
Chores may need to wait.
Televised sports can be Tivo-ed and watched the next day at lunch.
Dad homecoming: greet at door, move to couch, set time for 10 minutes, get back to routine.
While developing this habit, have each child take turns being responsible for "lights out". Put a buck in a jar for every night that we follow-through. At the end of February, spend money on a child-chosen fun activity.
Please do continue to share and thanks!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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Angie Mc wrote:
Maddie, I like the idea of having an incentive to get in bed. I'll go talk to the children about that as soon as I stop typing:).
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Does dilly-dallying count?  I'm guessing that because some of my children's schedules have become much more structured that they really need this down time...to look at stuff in their room, move stuff around in their room, hang out. They do have down time during the day too, but they just may need to know that they have more coming...
Love,
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SaraP
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Angie, I just wanted to add that years ago - before I was married or had kiddos - my lenten sacrifice was to go to bed and get up at exactly the same times every day. I think a spiritual director suggested it to me and it was really hard!
Since Lent is coming up fast maybe you guys could begin your new bedtime then and get some spiritual mileage out of it also?
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Angie Mc
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SaraP wrote:
Angie, I just wanted to add that years ago - before I was married or had kiddos - my lenten sacrifice was to go to bed and get up at exactly the same times every day. I think a spiritual director suggested it to me and it was really hard!
Since Lent is coming up fast maybe you guys could begin your new bedtime then and get some spiritual mileage out of it also? |
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This is SO true, Sara! Oh how my pride is hurt when we can't get ourselves in bed at a set time. But then I realized, we've never really tried before so...we lack habit formation in this area. Framing it this way is encouraging to me .
Here's my update:
In our 4th CD player disc slot we have a CD mix of gentle classical music to help slow things down. (We often listen to music pegged with different activities but hadn't pegged gentle music with the evening. Lovely!
Once we finished chores in a front of the house space (study, dining, living, patio, kitchen) I shut the lights out. The kitchen was last to be finished and once the lights were out, I turned on one small lamp light in the living room for prayers...tonight I'm thinking of lighting candles.
Lights were out last night on time, thank you! More later as we fine-tune this. Any other ideas?
ETA: On Saturday nights for about a month we've been preparing for Sunday by having the house in order and we put a special table cloth and center piece on the table. This flows beautifully with our new evening routine  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
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Angie Mc
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Here's one more tip that we stumbled upon that has helped us tremendously. This will sound very obvious but for some reason, we didn't see our problem or solution at first! We all chip in at the end of the day to finish any unfinished chores.
What we were doing that wasn't working was this...we each have assigned chores and we would each work on them in isolation. Some of the chores take longer to do or are just heavier at the end of the day. Also at the end of the day the will and energy to do these chores alone is very low so they draaaaaaaaaaaagggggggg. Now, if my assinged chore is complete I go to the next room in need of work (easily seen by the area light being on - it gets turned of when it is in order.) The last room to be done each night has been the kitchen, so we all end up in there just doing what needs to be done. When everyone chips in, energy is increased and the chores are lighter.
The candles have been a hit, too:).
Thanks again for your help. My children are really happy with these changes...and so am I .
Love,
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Erin
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Angie
I really encourage you to stick to it, perhaps you can encourage me I'm also dealing with the same problem. Although I'm starting gradually, we've started with 10.30pm and I am going to have to 'forbid' my boys from talking. They talk for hours, till midnight if undetected. How weird is that?
JodieLynn wrote:
For myself, I don't have teens here yet either.. but for myself I've always found a strict wake up time to help much more than a strict bedtime. |
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This is really, really important too. I've worked out a balance to our day and for the success of bedtime all plates have to spin. Rising in the morning, morning chores, lessons, afternoon chores, sticking fairly closely to afternoon routine all help to get to bed on time. The biggest 'fly in the ointment?' Our (dh and my) lack of self-discipline.
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Angie Mc
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Sounds like we could start a "Get to bed on time" support group .
I thought I was finished chatting about this but want to share 2 more examples of how this routine has helped. Last Wednesday I was down with a head cold. Fortunately, I headed into it with plenty of rest AND the children and I stuck with the routine even though I was very tempted to turn on the food channel!
Last night, we suffered the heart-breaking loss of the Cardinals in the Superbowl. Let me tell you, this was enough reason for us to plunge ourselves into self-pity and sloth . Yes, I was tempted to watch the Office - but recorded it instead - how's that for discipline? Instead, we stuck to our routine and found our evening music very calming.
If I had to pinpoint the key elements of what makes this work for us, I would say:
Realistic time to complete tasks.
Start and end times for priorities.
Gentle instrumental music to cue start time.
Working together to close chores/rooms and turn lights off to communicate completion.
Dim lights and candles to cue prayer time.
Lights out on time even if all work is not complete.
And I agree with you , Erin, and other advocates of a good morning routine. We've had a great one for some time and combining it with a strong finish to the day PLUS a great Monday (that's another topic) helps me to feel like no matter what happens during the rest of my often messy week, we're doing well.
Praying for you! And thanks so much again for helping me.
Love,
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Angie Mc
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Habit Formation: Strict Bedtime
