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kingvozzo
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 1:30pm | IP Logged
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My 5 year old ds is having a rough time lately, and has been for the last month or so. Today, after he dumped out a bin of Legos that the other children were playing with, I asked him why...he replied that he didn't want them to say a word, because he "didn't love them anymore." I was surprised, but simply resonded that taht was a hurtful thing to say. Then he told me that he didn't love me anymore... 
I repeated my response about that being a hurtful thing. I don't want to dismiss him or his feelings, but I sure was shocked to have that said to me.
How would you respond to this? I really don't want to have the children saying this kind of thing to each other (which he didn't do...he said it to me), or frankly, to me...I know he doesn't not love me, but I didn't like hearing him say it.
any advice?
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Noreen
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Mom to 4 great kids and 10 sweet ones in Our Lady's arms
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 1:37pm | IP Logged
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if he's saying it to hurt you.. telling him it's hurtful may not help eliminate it.
I would think it's a case of limited vocabulary.
I don't love you.. could mean.. I'm frustrated with you or I'm angry or you hurt me and I'm feeling vulnerable so I'm striking first to protect myself.
I think I would come at it if I could in giving him other words for what he's feeling and seeing if that won't help improve things.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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LucyP
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 3:03pm | IP Logged
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I've been taught to "interpret" for our son. He says such things often. I will say "oh, you are angry with me, huh? That's so sad, because we all love each other in our family but sometimes we feel angry or sad with each other. You're angry because mama's been playing with the baby. We need a cuddle-time now." I wasn't a fan of interpreting at first, but it helps a child who is having big feelings that he doesn't understand properly yet. Plus I can reinforce teh way we teach about love in our family.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 6:40pm | IP Logged
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Oh how these words can sting  . My mother's brain may understand, but my mother's heart hurts!
Great helps shared, here. To the above I will add two options that have helped here.
Match the passion. If he yells, "I hate you!" raise your voice and say, "You're angry!" If he says it matter of factly, rephrase matter of factly.
Ten words or less. When I interpret (we call this rephrasing) I say as few words as possible, less than ten, to give the child time to clarify (Ex: "No, I'm not angry, I'm sad.") or to move on (Ex: "Yes, I'm angry! He or she or it or they...)
Eventually, when they understand what it means to "rephrase", dh and I will ask the children to "rephrase" for themselves...yes, even teenagers, especially teenagers  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How would you respond?
