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Fuzzy
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 8:19am | IP Logged
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I need some advice (and a little bit of venting). My 3 (almost 4) yo is so demanding about everything. We just took a trip to visit some relatives, and she acted like the world revolved around her and everyone needed to cater to her, and if not, there is a first class meltdown, screaming fest, etc. I was very embarrassed  , but was realizing that we have this quite often in our own home, and I need to address it better. Now, she is my second child, and my oldest DS is 5, but never went through a phase like this. Is it a girl thing? She demands a different bowl, different spoon, THIS food, THAT toy. If you anticipate waht she wants, she gets mad at you for not letting her choose. Demands you listen to her. right. now. Take this! If you don't, it is thrown at you, or on the floor. We spent a good deal of time in the car, and I felt like I was constantly doing SOMEthing for her - I want a drink, I want this game, I need a snack, everything had to be NOW. I have 3 children, and I can't spend my day preventing meltdowns by catering to this child.
I do try to give her options, let her pick, let her do things, but I feel like my day is spent JUST dealing with her and her whining, meltdowns, and demands, and I can't spend time with my boys.  She is also my independent one, and will do just about anything she sets her mind to, without batting an eyelash at me for help/permission, whether she is allowed to or not. She is smart, and knows the rules, but she never acknowledges that I am even speaking. She did some scary stuff this weekend; running off in a strange place away from us, running in the parking lot after we told her to stop. 
I realize that this is the toddler mentality and phase, but can you please give me some insight as to how much longer???
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 Fuzzy
Mom to DS 12, DD 10, DS 7, and DS 4, and DD 1!
Fuzzy Memories
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Mary Chris
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 10:18am | IP Logged
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Fuzzy,
I have one child that was born a teenager. I'll let you guess which one  .
I personally, would not call an almost 4 year old a toddler, that's a pre-schooler.
Can you set her up to suceed.....for example the cup and spoon, can you have her set the table, then she gets what she wants and you are getting help.
I would encourage her to be a big girl. If she starts to act like a baby..ie..running away from you or throwing things on the floor, she gets treated like a baby. If she runs away in the parking lot, she has to go directly into a shopping cart or stroller for her own safety. If she throws something on the floor she is told, not a good choice.... try again. And apologize for throwing things
I really don't like giving parenting advice, since I'm still traveling the road.... but those are somethings that I used.
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Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
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amyable
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 10:20am | IP Logged
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No help here, Fuzzy, but I have one JUST like that, also 3. I think it is worse in girls, but not *just* a girl thing, as my other 3 girls can be (and are!) difficult in other ways, but not like my 3yo!
I'll be sitting here taking copious notes. 
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 10:59am | IP Logged
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Fuzzy -
4 years old is tough! I don't know what it is about that particular age, but my dd went through meltdown melodrama over and over again. I really like all the advice Mary Chris gave you. This is super, super tough to do because it all comes at you so fast during the day - baby needs real attention, the 5yo would like to ask a legitimate question and the 3/almost 4yo starts doing her thing. But, I promise it can be done!
It always sort of ovewhelms me at first when one of the children's behavior starts spiraling out of control...my thoughts...
First, melodramatic children are exponentially *more* melodramatic when visiting family. Why does it have to be that way? Steel yourself for those visits. I think you can chalk some of the drama up to that though.
At home, try to drop your voice to a low, soft, slow level when responding to her. Be matter of fact like Mary Chris suggested. Offer simple alternatives, "I'd be happy to listen to you when you can talk to me like a big girl". Be slow, quiet and determined when enforcing consequences as well, "you didn't stay with mommy, now you will sit in the cart". Be prepared for drama. It's just going to be tough going for a while, but I promise, she'll come out of it!
When my dd started this and I finally realized what was going on, I cut out almost all trips out of the house and I also cut out anything extra going on in the house. We pared back to essentials and I just picked up my banner and ran with it. I tried to set her up for obedience and success but when she threw down the gauntlet, I responded gently but firmly and tried so hard to be consistent. It was difficult because at the time I had an infant, but in perspective it was a small amount of time that was an investment in my daughter. I was really grateful for the advice my pediatrician gave me...he was the one that said to stop everything unnecessary and focus only on her behavior for a little while.
Ask your dd's guardian angel for help with her, too!
Anyway, I understand so much what you're going through! As I type this my 3/almost 4yo just sauntered up and demanded a snackie in the living room....RIGHT NOW!!! he demands. Hang in there - it does seem overwhelming and daunting, but I promise there is light at the end of this tunnel! Off to take my own advice...
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 11:22am | IP Logged
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wonderful post Jennifer
I just want to encourage you.. don't let the tantrums or melodrama change things.. when you cater to her to prevent them.. you just encourage her to continue because it's getting her what she wants.. when it stops working, it will greatly decrease.. BUT it WILL INCREASE at first because it's worked before and she'll try harder to make it work before she'll give it up.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Lisa R
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| Posted: Oct 28 2008 at 4:56pm | IP Logged
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No advice either but taking lots of notes.  Yes, I have one of these girls, too! Same age (3 almost 4), same scenarios. My boys were soooo much easier.
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Demanding Toddler
