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mary theresa
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I know a 19 year old girl who comes from a Catholic homeschooling family of 8 or so children. She is #4. She is very sweet, reserved and shy, so a bit of a loner, a deep thinker and a sensitive soul.
She says she will NEVER have a big family, because she was "forgotten" or overlooked by her parents growing up because she was so "good" and quiet.
I know that we all are likely to give the "squeaky wheel the grease" -- I already find myself giving my high maintenance spirited toddler more of myself than my pleasant, laid back baby.
What are your thoughts on this?
I think about this girl alot and it makes me sad.
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Mary Theresa
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folklaur
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I have heard this from other children of large families before also.  It does sound very sad.
My dh was the forgotten one, and he was only one of two. (there were instances of them actually, truly forgetting - once his parents were going out of town, and a neighbor was supposed to get dh after school - except his parents forgot to tell the neighbor. DH waited hours after school, and then walked to his grandparents house 5 miles from the school - he only kind of remembered the way. He was in Kindergarten - so 5 years old. It is one of the saddest stories I have ever heard...I can't even imagine....).
He was the "good" one, got good grades, tried to please, etc, while his brother was always in trouble, etc. HIs brother got all the attention...
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Michaela
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That is sad, Mary, especially if she believes it's solely because she came from a large family.
The incident Laura shared shows that it isn't necessarily the size of the family, but the actions of the parents whether it's due to favoritism or the "squeaky wheel".
There are many large families who are able to balance the love and attention. Yes, having many children is different than having one. Maybe she will have different thoughts once she has children and looks back on what her parents went through in trying the best they could at the time.
At the very least, it's a good reminder for me, to be mindful of how much attention my squeaky wheel is requiring  .
None of us are perfect parents or have the perfect family, whether we have one or 21.
Praying for all of us as we try to do the best we can with what we know now.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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mellyrose
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I'm one of 3 -- and I know if you asked him, my brother would say he was the forgotten / ignored one. Which is so NOT the reality that I see/remember, but that is his reality. He's the youngest, but he & my sister are only 13 mths apart, while I'm 11 & 12 years older than them.
I think it is a mixture of family dynamics and personality and not necessarily the result of a big family. I wonder if she'll grow in understanding as she gets older - I hope she does!
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Martha
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*sigh*
My dh is an only and I might as well be (youngest by 10 years) and we were both "forgotten" children.
And it may not even be that she was actually forgotten or lost in the shuffle either.
Sometimes kids just don't remember things the way the parents do. Esp if they are comparing their childhood to outside influences. For example, maybe she didn't get as much parental attention as the 2 kid family down the street. But then again the 2 kids down the street may have not had as many siblings to share life with either. My kids might think they don't get as much of me as they might want, but they certainly can't say they've ever been lonely either.
And she might change her mind as she gets older and starts her own family.
By all modern accounts my dh had a wonderful childhood. Never had to share a room, all the toys under the tree were for him, never had to worry about over scheduling extracurriculiars to where parents coudln't attend, and etc.. But he's also an only adult. There's no siblings to share child rearing with or to help with aging parents. No one to say, "remember when granddad..?"
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JodieLyn
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Those outside influences can be dangerous. My MIL is absolutely 100% sure that the *only* reason her parents had money problems was the number of kids.. because that's what society says.. if there's money problems then it's gotta be to many children if you have more than one.
Of course, I grew up as one of two.. and we didn't have any money either.. as bad as things my MIL has said.. but I came to entirely different conclusions. Obviously
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LisaR
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mary theresa wrote:
I know a 19 year old girl who comes from a Catholic homeschooling family of 8 or so children. She is #4. She is very sweet, reserved and shy, so a bit of a loner, a deep thinker and a sensitive soul.
She says she will NEVER have a big family, because she was "forgotten" or overlooked by her parents growing up because she was so "good" and quiet.
I know that we all are likely to give the "squeaky wheel the grease" -- I already find myself giving my high maintenance spirited toddler more of myself than my pleasant, laid back baby.
What are your thoughts on this?
I think about this girl alot and it makes me sad.
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I think what is important to note here is that this was a Catholic homeschooling family. We are not immune, or somehow more "protected" only by the fact that we homeschool, to this type of attitude.
we have had many conversations with homeschool parents in recent years, who have a wayward child or two , in attitude, or action, covering a variety of issues.
They all regret that they thought and assumed their kids were "ok" because they homeschooled....
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lapazfarm
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You may also want to reassure her that she can learn from her experiences. Since she knows what it is like to feel "forgotten", she will surely be vigilant to make sure her own children never feel that way, regardless of how many there are.
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chrisv664
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A little off topic.. but a funny story about being forgotten..
I was #5 of 7 and one day my mom (plus my 6 siblings and various friends) literally forgot me at someone's house. Everyone rode home, a 40 minute drive in the VW bus, and not one person noticed I wasn't there! We stood at the curb waitng for my mom to come racing back to the house to retrieve me, but she didn't! I remember at the time being so quiet that I really wasn't missed.. sad, isn't it?  Anyway, my mom promptly scolded all the kids for not noticing their sister was missing (this is exactly how I would handle that situation  ) and then turned around and made the drive back to get me. It is one of those stories that lives on in our family folk lore... more than thirty years later.
On a positive note.. I am the only one of the 7 who has more than three kids, so being forgotten hasn't really influenced me to have less children. Needless to say, though, I am a compulsive "headcounter"!
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Martha
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LisaR wrote:
I think what is important to note here is that this was a Catholic homeschooling family. We are not immune, or somehow more "protected" only by the fact that we homeschool, to this type of attitude.
we have had many conversations with homeschool parents in recent years, who have a wayward child or two , in attitude, or action, covering a variety of issues.
They all regret that they thought and assumed their kids were "ok" because they homeschooled.... |
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I agree. In fact, I'll take it a step further and say that since we hoomeschool, they are even more likely to feel "different" and to compare their lives to outside influences. I know mine seem to have this utopic view that every kid in public school plays all day. I have no idea how they get this notion! Maybe from hearing the neighbor kids talk it seems like that?
Quote:
| I am the only one of the 7 who has more than three kids, so being forgotten hasn't really influenced me to have less children. Needless to say, though, I am a compulsive "headcounter"! |
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Me too! I remember my dad took me with him to Kmart when I was about 8 or 9 and said I could go look in the toy dept whilehe looked in lawn and garden. He said he'd come get me when he was done, but he never came! Turns out he went home and even made himself a sandwich. It was so rare that he took me anywhere with him that he forgot he'd taken me! It wasn't until I went to the customer service desk and asked to call home that remembered and came to get me. 
My dh says his mother forgot to pick him up from the Salvation Army once b/c she just assumed he was at soccer. She forgot that soccer season had ended the week before and that he had been told to just go play at the local Salvation Army until she got him after work. He had to call his grandmother to come get him b/c his mother was on the phone.
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CrunchyMom
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Boy there sure are a lot of neglectful parents around, lol.
Seriously, aside from the fear of forgetting or losing a child, I think my fear (besides the horrifyingly obvious of the child getting hurt) is someone reporting the incident to child services or something!
My dh is the youngest of 12, and his brother who is the oldest has alienated himself from the family for the past 30 years and only since a few months ago when their dad was in intensive care in the hospital (a tooth got severaly infected) that he apparently realized time was limited and he has (seemingly) reconciled with his parents.
Obviously, his experience was different from my dh's. However, their parents were quite poor. His dad operated a little radiator shop out of their home, and dh made more money his first job out of college than his dad ever made! Yet, his oldest brother is a pilot now because his parents found a way for him to take flying lessons--far more extravagant than anything my dh or his siblings were allowed to take part in!
Somehow, it seems, he became convinced of the fact that he was somehow neglected/unloved/something. I'm sure his experience was drastically different from my dh's--pretty sure his parents mellowed a lot in the 17 years between the two, and I wouldn't exactly describe them as "mellow" now.
Ironically, even though he had "more" attention in many ways, he was unable to see just how much his parents had sacrificed for him--it seems this happened when he left home and some suspect a friend who was into psychology and stuff "convinced" him of this.
Anyway, just echoing that from my observation as an outsider, it does seem that outside influences and deceptive/unrealistic comparisons can have more of an influence on the person's perception as the parent's actual actions.
That said, I do feel blessed to have and hope I can effectually utilize resources that talk about love languages/temperaments/etc... to understand better how to communicate with my children in a way that parents didn't have 50 years ago. That generation of parents did seem to be stuck in a vacuum of sorts where the society supporting family was being taken away and undermining their efforts, but they weren't aware of it and didn't have tools (or know to) combat it. It is important to be reminded that our chidren can *feel* unloved or forgotten unbeknownst to us.
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Martha
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CrunchyMom wrote:
Boy there sure are a lot of neglectful parents around, lol.
Seriously, aside from the fear of forgetting or losing a child, I think my fear (besides the horrifyingly obvious of the child getting hurt) is someone reporting the incident to child services or something! |
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Isn't that the truth!? Boy things have changed since we were kids! Remember when probably yourself and nearly every other kid you knew was a latch-key kid as early as kindergarten? Now a days a parent can barely leave them alone in home while they check the mailbox!
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mimmyof5
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My dh was 1 out of 14, and he was definitely the forgotten child. Literally forgotten. He has stories of how the family would drive off to Mass without him, or he would be left at school - no one noticed he was missing. He still seems to be the forgotten one. As adults, his brothers will plan fishing trips, etc. and never ask my dh. When it's brought to their attention, you can tell it wasn't on purpose. Just an oversight. My dh is very quiet, never caused trouble, was the good child. He got the Most Christian Boy award for all 8 years in his elementary school!  His family is very noisy, loud, boisterous. He's not. With that much commotion going on, it was easy to overlook him.
But it never caused him to not want a larger family. That could be partly a male/female thing, perhaps. Indeed we have the most children of any of his siblings. The odd thing is that most of his siblings only wanted 1 or 2 children, max. A couple of them didn't want any children. Unfortunately, a lot of it had to do with the way they saw their mom reacting to her large family. She got up angry and went to bed furious. Being spoken to in a normal voice was a rarity. When I was pregnant with my 3rd, my sil gave me a warning when I mentioned how much I loved children. The warning: "Remember what happened to mom."
There's a lot of things that can effect how children feel about raising families, but I try to take this lesson to heart. I've forgotten a girl here and there, and that is not good. But I also try to show them the joy I feel in my vocation, that I love being a mother, being home with them. I certainly have my moments, but I try to keep them to a minimum. I don't my girls saying someday, "Remember what happened to mom".
Oh, and by the way, I think my mil would have been an angry woman whether she'd had 7 or 14 children. Just my opinion. But her family for the most part blames the number of children for behavior.
I guess I got off topic here. Sorry.
Janet
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LisaR
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mimmyof5 wrote:
| My dh was 1 out of 14, and he was definitely the forgotten child. Literally forgotten. He has stories of how the family would drive off to Mass without him, or he would be left at school - no one noticed he was missing. He still seems to be the forgotten one. As adults, his brothers will plan fishing trips, etc. and never ask my dh. |
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My dh is one of "only" 8, all adopted, and it is the same with him.
we will hear of family gatherings after they occur, he makes a point to contact his siblings and parents once a week/every 10 days or so, but if he does not, oftentimes it can take awhile for him to be contacted.
It does not bother him (he chalks it up to the fact that he was the "voice of reason" in a oftentimes chaotic household, and we live a different lifestyle then them today)
but sometimes it bothers me!!
His family of 8 was always held up as so "perfect", so "Catholic" because they had 8 kids, etc, but most of his sibs have chosen either to be "child free" or have one or two because of the chaos that was in their home (even though it very well could have occured with only a few kids)
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Helen
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Thank you Mary Theresa for posting this reminder. I think it is important to be prayerfully homeschooling; homeschooling because the Lord wants us to. This is the type of homeschooling that will help our children grow into mature, Christian adults.
I think you expressed a concern on how to avoid a situation like the one in your example. I think it is important for parents to have a prayer routine. Prayer on a daily basis allows the Lord to speak to the parents' heart and guide them in raising their children. The Lord can and will help us not to forget any child --even the middle one (I'm not suggesting that any of the above parents didn't pray. Even saints have children who are wayward ... for example, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton and St. Louis de Marillac)
I think it is also important to not only teach our children rote prayers but also to teach them to have a relationship with the Lord in prayer. Example is the best teacher but we can also show them how to pray mentally.
A good book is The Soul of the Apostolate. This book explains the importance of mental prayer for the success of active apostolate. I believe parenting qualifies for active apostolate. Another book which is very good on prayer is Difficulty in Mental Prayer by Msgr Boylan. Sp?
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mary theresa
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There's so much to think about here.
I'm glad that most of you see this as being a common occurance in any size family. It is easy for me to wonder if the quantity of children makes this more common in a bigger family. I hope, hope, hope not. But we may never know, I suppose.
I just wanted to add to my story above that apparently, this girl has confronted her parents about this -- telling them that she thought she was forgotten and ignored. The mother (specifically) has not tried to convince her teen that she should not be feeling this way, they did not really forget her, that it was just her perception, etc. etc. The mother simply says, yes, I failed you in some way, (though I never knew it) and I am sorry. yet, she ALLOWS -- if you know what I mean? I hope? -- the girl to feel this way, not trying to talk her out of it. Her feelings are her feelings and the mother feels that they should not be dismissed. I think that the girl respects this and that it has lead to some small steps toward healing
This gives me so much to think about regarding "dismissing feelings" -- but that maybe is another post.
Anyway, it does seem important to me to validate this feeling in a child when they can express it (through actions or words) even if we don't understand or agree even. Like Melanie said, people can have different experience/realities of the same situation - but that doesn't mean that they both aren't right. A parent may have been doing their very best, but the child still felt neglected. And neither "reality" can be denied. I do know a parent who dismisses her son's angry and sad remembrances of his childhood as "wierd", "because he's the only one of all my kids that has those perceptions."
I don't think this is right.
What Helen said about teaching our children to have a relationship with God really struck me. Thank you Helen! This girl and her beautiful loving supportive family . . . her experience, to an outsider, is so "off" of what one would think. But, it just makes me think of how every child is wounded in some way by their parents, in one way or another. (Adam & Eve, anyone? ) Parents are not perfect and will not and cannot be everything and meet every emotional need that each child as have, regardless of size of family. But if we have led them to Jesus and helped them to see how good He is and that HE can meet every need, then they will always have him to go to when they are grown and perhaps, like this poor girl, suffering from a feeling of worthlessness from her --true or perceived -- neglect.
I really am thinking about this -- all your thoughts are so great to read.
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Mary Theresa
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Topic: Forgotten
