| Author | |
Syncletica
Forum Pro
Joined: June 11 2007
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 450
|
| Posted: July 23 2008 at 9:46am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I'm just wondering what those of you with teens did to prepare them? I'm concerned about the crushes that naturally occur and make you feel so heartbroken when things don't 'work out'. Now that I'm on the other side, I see just how pointless it is to entertain thoughts of dating (as well as actively dating) when there is no chance of marriage in the near future. What a waste of precious time that should rather be used in preparing oneself for whatever vocation God is calling them to.
How did you make them feel happy with themselves? I never had much self-confidence. I was teased about being 'flat'; I'm still unhappy about that.
Did you tell your daughters anything about being civil when time for their monthly came around?
Did you tell your boys about 'custody of the eyes', or anything else that would fit in with what I'm asking?
What advice do you have or wished you had prior to your children entering their teen years? And even if you don't have teens yet, is there anything you'd like to suggest?
__________________
http://www.casciabooks.com
"Live as though your judge were to meet you today, and you will not fear Him when He does come." - St. Augustine
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Vanna
Forum Pro
Joined: May 09 2008
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 331
|
| Posted: July 23 2008 at 10:40am | IP Logged
|
|
|
My cousins and even my father commented about my flat chest.
I don't have teens yet but I wish someone would have said to me, "God made you perfectly. You are beautiful and lovely...inside and out. Treasure the body that He gave you. It's a gift from Him."
I will definitely be reading this post for suggestions from ladies who have BTDT.
__________________
Wife to K  Mommy to B (ds18) and G (ds8)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
folklaur
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2816
|
| Posted: July 23 2008 at 11:21am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Syncletica wrote:
| I'm just wondering what those of you with teens did to prepare them? I'm concerned about the crushes that naturally occur and make you feel so heartbroken when things don't 'work out'. Now that I'm on the other side, I see just how pointless it is to entertain thoughts of dating (as well as actively dating) when there is no chance of marriage in the near future. What a waste of precious time that should rather be used in preparing oneself for whatever vocation God is calling them to. |
|
|
This is hard, because, in our culture, we keep them young longer than their bodies do, IKNWIM. They will lots of time naturally develop crushes. You can have rules on dating and courtship, of course.
However, I can also tell you, that I have been aware of lots of homeschooling teens whose families DID have rules on dating, and they dated anyway. The parents were not aware. It was not dating in the public school sense, maybe, as they were often at group activites, but it was well known within the teen group who liked who, who was "secretly dating" or "not dating because we aren't allowed to but in actuality still dating" each other. Parents who I know for a fact would not have believed me because they KNEW their child wasn't dating. But they were. Or something like it.
Liking the opposite sex is just normal. Being a "hormone with legs," as my dh calls teens, is the hard part. Their experiences and emotions are SO REAL to them, and because of the hormones, IMO, are also really exaggerated. They can't help the way they act a lot of the time.
Syncletica wrote:
| How did you make them feel happy with themselves? |
|
|
This is hard, too. I try to praise a lot. I try to help them keep a positive attitude. I try to be sympathetic when they need that.
Syncletica wrote:
Did you tell your daughters anything about being civil when time for their monthly came around?
|
|
|
Yes - and I still do. My poor dh pretty much knows when "that time" is for both of us as that is when we have our "irrational" yelling and screaming matches. And they are irrational for us, things that normally wouldn't faze either of us (dd is 18) get on our last nerve. I know how lousy I feel, and I am comfortable with my sexuality. For a tween/teen there are so many more emotions to deal with. Plus - again - the hormones exaggerate everything.
Syncletica wrote:
| Did you tell your boys about 'custody of the eyes', or anything else that would fit in with what I'm asking? |
|
|
I believe boys should be modest with their eyes, but the big thing in some Christian circles that I have heard of "bouncing the eyes" etc....I have some (negative) opinions on. These came from some deep discussions with dh after a "debate" of this sort on another forum. I won't go into it here, as it was a long discussion. But, yes, my dh & I want to teach our son to be virtuous and disciplined. I think it is more "custody of the heart" and "custody of the mind" than "custody of the eyes" though.
Syncletica wrote:
What advice do you have or wished you had prior to your children entering their teen years? And even if you don't have teens yet, is there anything you'd like to suggest?
|
|
|
TEENS ARE GREAT! So much of our culture sends the message of the Horrible Teen Years. I hate that. Teens are FUN. They are great talkers & thinkers (tho usually late at night), they like to try to grasp new and hard ideas. They can be so sweet. They have great senses of humor, and fresh and exciting insights.
They get the message in our society that they are moody, sullen, hard to deal with etc. And so, I think on the whole teens in society have done a great job of living up to that. 
BUT they can be an absolute delight. I expect MORE from them - and when I do, they seem to WANT to be more than that "image" society has made for them. So often, people will say, "Well, I have a teen" and the other Moms nod in a sympathetic way. What a horrible message that sends them! (I am guilty of this myself at times!)
Those are my first thoughts, I will be thinking more about this....
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
crusermom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 09 2007
Location: New Jersey
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 878
|
| Posted: July 23 2008 at 11:38am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Bouncing the eyes?? Please enlighten me!
Mary
__________________
Mary
Army wife and Crusermom to 8 wonderful children!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Syncletica
Forum Pro
Joined: June 11 2007
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 450
|
| Posted: July 23 2008 at 12:14pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I've heard of the saints talking about/acquiring 'custody of the eyes'; that's how I got the term....
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
folklaur
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2816
|
| Posted: July 23 2008 at 1:35pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Syncletica wrote:
| I've heard of the saints talking about/acquiring 'custody of the eyes'; that's how I got the term.... |
|
|
It could mean something different than what I was thinking of then. I just thought it might be the same idea as "bouncing" - but could be totally different! 
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Tina P.
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 28 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1638
|
| Posted: July 24 2008 at 12:19pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm with Mary. What does bouncing the eyes mean?
__________________
Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bookswithtea
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: July 24 2008 at 2:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Yes, Laura, enquiring minds want to know! I have this goofy image in my head now of eyeballs bouncing inside their sockets! 
I don't think you can truly prepare. Pray constantly for them, for spiritual coverage, for God to let you know when they are up to something  , for God to touch their heart in ways you cannot. Put books in front of their eyes when they need to know stuff. Talk about things in context when they come up. If modesty is your family's value, they will have heard it from the time they were 3, not just when they become teens, kwim? Try to listen when they want to talk to you because when you have time, they may not want to talk anymore. And I am learning also that I need to not respond like this  when my teen tells me something, because I want him to tell me other things later! Its like downhill skiing...its all unpredictable and each child is different. Me? I prefer the pace of cross country skiing, but this is what I evidently have signed up for. Anyway, I just don't think there's a whole lot of prepwork, unfortunately.
__________________
Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
folklaur
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2816
|
| Posted: July 24 2008 at 2:55pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
oooh, boy.
I really, really don't want to discuss "bouncing" here.
Here. I blogged a bit about it.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Tina P.
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 28 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1638
|
| Posted: July 24 2008 at 4:54pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
A bit from Laura's blog post:
my 'tricks', as my father taught them to me: a) always remember this woman/female is a precious child of God, and b) she's someone's daughter or sister, and you have a sister, and may have daughters some day. For me, this is a crucial kind of moral 'level set' that is quite effective in laying out the path to virtue and discipline in these situations.
Hmmm...I like that. I watch my son when I think there is temptation in his path. At 14, he seems not to notice yet. Or, he's dealing with it in his own way. I don't beat them over the head with modesty. I talk with them occasionally as the subject arises. My daughter seems more concerned about it than my son. "Is a certain style of bikini (not a tankini, but not a string bikini either) modest?" "Why do my cousins wear bikinis?"
Now, as far as crushes go ... they can be very innocent. My 12.5 yog and a boy from church like each other. Our families naturally get together because my oldest boy is a friend of this boy and his older brother and our 3rd and 4th are friends with their younger boy. Either my daughter hangs out with ALL the boys (which she'd rather not) or the moms. She's asked me when is the 'normal' age to start dating, to which I reply "30." Then, all kidding aside, I explain that dating is preparation for marriage and why start too early? I told her some of the dumb mistakes I've made, even as mundane as going out with boys my sisters set me up with and being bored, feeling as though I'd wasted my time, that night. I told her that a good idea would be to just stick with family visits. Oh! And when we talk about this special boy (or sometimes, in my older boys' case, that special girl), I warn them in a light tone, "You know, things may change. You might find someone more interesting or he(she) might. You never know ... "
__________________
Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
folklaur
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2816
|
| Posted: July 24 2008 at 5:07pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Tina P. wrote:
| She's asked me when is the 'normal' age to start dating, to which I reply "30." |
|
|
I say the same thing! I think dh tells them 45. 
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: July 24 2008 at 5:52pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have talked to my oldest daughter about things that can help with the moods that hormones cause.. that she has the option to use these things to help her but that she is STILL RESPONSIBLE for her words and actions. She doesn't get a "free pass". I simply can't imagine what my household would be like in a few years if having unsteady hormones was an excuse for unkind behavior
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: July 24 2008 at 6:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Laura -
I think that's an absolutely fabulous perspective and in many, most, ways I agree with it.
I also havent' told my children they can't date. I met my dh via dating when I was 16 and we married at 19. He's the best thing thats ever happened to me. Dating does not have to be just another word for decadence and s*xual activity. Dating can be about meeting someone you care about and who cares about you, someone you just might want to marry some day.
Now, I'm not saying I want my kids to run off and get married as teenagers. I don't. But I also don't want them to think that love happens on a schedule. Because it doesn't.
You can plan to finish college, get a great job, get a house, and fall in love and get married all you want, but the love and marriage part might not care what your plans are, kwim?
Getting married young wasn't a piece of cake. But there were some wonderful things to it. We grew up together. We've always shared everything. We have a huge family. If we'd waited 5-10 years, I'd like to think that love would have waited, but love needs nurishing too. And I would have missed 5 - 10 years of living with a great man. I would have missed having at least 3 of my children.
I've met so many people who deeply regret putting off marriage and children. Now they are my age and love isn't as easy to find/accept, they aren't as willing to change for another, and the chances of having any children, much less many are getting slimmer and slimmer.
Just saying...
Getting married at 19 isn't for everyone. But real love shouldn't be ignored because it doesn't fit in our planned timeline.
ETA: So for now, as we enter this nutty phase of parenting, our attitude is to be more worried about the type of girl than the girls in general.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
Forum Locked) 
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: preparing children for their teen years
