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Tina P.
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| Posted: June 30 2008 at 8:22am | IP Logged
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I've been praying for months for my husband whose weight has dropped considerably due to stress and who can't stand his job. He's caught in the middle of being grateful that he *has* a well-paying job and hating the sedentary behind-the-computer days, the wasted time ~ he tells me he can do what he's required to in three hours ~ the projects that have no meaning. He wants to do something meaningful. That was what I was bemoaning when I worked as well. And that was why it was so easy for me to stop.  It's so much more meaningful to raise and teach my children. But he doesn't have the luxury he afforded me of quitting.
For those of you whose husbands feel trapped, how do you support him? And for you for you others, what kinds of jobs satisfy your husbands?
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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monique
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Hi Tina,
I don't have any answers for you but my husband hates his job also. He would much rather be at home with us. But someone has to make the money. My husbands job is stressful for both of us. We can never make any plans because he is on call 24/7.
I guess I just try to do whatever I can to support him whether it's making sure there are hot meals on the table or going out of my way to make sure he has clean clothes. You know what your husband enjoys so you probably has a good idea of what "fills his tank".
Hugs and prayers for you.
Monique
mom to 5
Raising Saints
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LucyP
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Tina, my dh hates his job. He is well enough paid to keep me at home with the children - just about, but his work is menial, not traditionally male, one that people can't chat to him about, one where he works alone in a boring situation, one that involves him in tasks he never ever thought he would do (I couldn't do it!), and he has to work 60 hours a week, including being away overnight, and his rotating shifts mean we have no stable routine. Sigh. The one good thing about his job is that it keeps a roof over our heads and food on the table, and I guess it could be worse - he could be military or something.
Honestly, I don't know how I support him. I try to make sure he can overhear me bragging on him - that I am proud of his hard work and how he does such a "different" job so well - even if just to the children. And I support him in looking for something else And listen when he rants. And take his side. And try to build him up as much as I can, when his self-esteem is so low. I remind him how lucky I and the children are, that me being at home is our huge luxury, and how thankful we are. And I try to show him how much I admire him in private  and spoil him with little treats etc, like he is always on my mind.
I said a prayer for your dh. (and you!  )
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Tina P.
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| Posted: June 30 2008 at 1:17pm | IP Logged
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LucyP wrote:
| I guess it could be worse - he could be military or something.) |
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I have to laugh. My husband recently retired from the military!  We both liked that job better than this one, but I must admit he never was deployed.
My brother became a lawyer, tried to make it on his own (without the help of a firm) because his wife had an anxiety disorder and couldn't be left at home alone, and ended up a gardner/groundskeeper for a wealthy client. He's happy now with his job, but because of the years he spent doing odd jobs between lawyering and his current job, his marriage is broken. Too much stress on the family.
I don't want anything similar to happen to those of us whose husbands can't stand their jobs. Thank you for the prayers, ladies. I'm praying for you as well.
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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LucyP
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| Posted: June 30 2008 at 1:26pm | IP Logged
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Tina, just to clarify I did not mean being military was bad - just that, with the situation with Iraq and Afghanistan, I would feel my dh was much better off doing what he was doing than being deployed in that area.
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Anne McD
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Hi Lucy,
My husband doesn't like his job, either. He was looking about a year ago for something else, but we live in the DC suburbs, and are very fortunate that he only works about 15miles away from home (mind you, that's still an hour commute!) and doesn't have to go into the city. However, the people that he manages just don't do their work, and he ends up doing it for them just so that he can get his work done. On top of it all, his boss had no clue how much work he acutaly did to keep things afloat, and if he left, they'd be sunk. Around Easter, I prayed a novena for a new job for him, and he got a new boss instead. As a liason between the original boss and him, it took a lot of pressure of him, and someone finally sees just how much work he does and tries to make sure he knows how much he is appreciated. Now, if they'd just compensate him monetarily . . .
Long story short-- he'd rather own a beer brewery. He'd love to run his own business, but I think we're both very scared of that prospect, but instead, he's in finance. I would suggest you speak to St. Joseph-- he's such a good friend.
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Anne
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and baby on the way! 10/14
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Lisbet
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Anne, if your husband ever ventures out on that idea - do let us know - my husband loves a good micro brew! :)
My husband tolerates his job. He worked for a fortune 500 company for nearly 10 years and hated every minute of it. There was so much waste, and he LOATHES the corporate political game.
About 2 years ago, with the help of a friend, he switched jobs to a non profit Catholic medical organization, same line of work, different company. He sees many of the same things he saw at the other job, but not *quite* as bad. He loves feeling connected with the founding orders mission, and on the bad days, he focuses on that.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
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Henry, 7
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Mark, 5
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Tina
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| Posted: June 30 2008 at 2:38pm | IP Logged
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My husband doesn't hate his job, but he doesn't love it either and would retire in a minute if that were possible . We, too, live in the DC metro area and so he has the traffic to deal with also. It has helped him to get back into working out after work again. He used to be into that when we first met (he was even in some bodybuilding competitions way back when). Now he works out near his work to get out some of the frustration, and that gives traffic a chance to die down, too. Although it means less time with us, it is just something he needs to do right now.
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JodieLyn
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The biggest thing I think in supporting my dh is for me to be content and/or willing to live on less income.
There was a time when he'd get real down on trying to do what he likes vs just getting a job that paid "real money".. now first off.. he'd be miserable in a desk job.. and second of all.. I'd be miserable living in a big enough city for those desk jobs that paid "so much" and then the cost of living would likely eat up anything more he made anyway..
So I'd gently point out that I was content with what we had.. that I grew up with at times much less and did just fine.. the kids have what they need and are just fine. I think that made a big difference to him since outsiders (meaning not me or the kids) would push him with this need for more money to support his family 
The most recent crisis we had was when someone at work, talking about another person but one in the same exact job he has, mentioned that it was a real hardship on that family. So dh comes home and asks me "is his job a hardship for me"... oh boy.. now I had no clue where this came from.. it was completely out of the blue.. and how do you answer without falling off the fence on either side.. because he's gone a lot.. and it can't be encouragin to hear that you're not needed or wanted.. but the flip side is you also don't want to overexaggerate how hard it is.
So very slowly and carefully I pointed out that of course we'd like to have him with us more.. but that it's much better for us to have him happy with his work when he does get home than miserable and at home more. And then on the flip side that yes it is hard but it's doable.. it's not crippling. And then I got the story about how this came up.. and I was able to point out how very different our families were and how it was true for that other family but not ours.. and the biggest thing was that with me staying home and the kids being homeschooled we could work with his schedule.. in that other family there was his work schedule and her work schedule and the kids school schedules and the need for babysitters etc etc etc.. yeah it's much harder for them than it is for us.
Being able to see that there's more than just the job involved in what makes things work for any particular family really helps.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Lisbet
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| Posted: June 30 2008 at 2:43pm | IP Logged
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Tina, you bring up a good point - if your husband feels sedentary - encourage him to work out if it is possible. My husband works out 3 nights a week with our oldest son at the local Y, they weight train, ride the bikes, and swim. He was on the weight team in high school - being sedentary was the worst part of his job for awhile - but working out this past year has really helped him with that - and given him some great father/son time with our oldest.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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happymama
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my dh sounds just like yours - has a good paying job, but it's a desk job, and he's currently busy but his talents are under-utilized. He'd LOVE to own a brewery. He'd also love to teach at a small-town high school, or do a million other things.
I think the financial "comfort" at his current job is enough to keep him motivated for now, but when our kids are much older, I intend to teach and he will be able to switch to a less-paying, more satisfying job. Also, we put a lot of $ in savings now so that we won't have to worry so much about it down the road.
Scripture and the whole history of mankind tells us that men have had to toil "by the sweat of the brow" for their livings. I'm just thankful that he makes a living wage and is not in harm's way. How many, many, many people around the world, in the past and today, have not had those luxuries.
And although being a SAHM gives us great meaning, it is not easy, either!
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monique
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Anne McD wrote:
Long story short-- he'd rather own a beer brewery. He'd love to run his own business, but I think we're both very scared of that prospect, but instead, he's in finance. |
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Sounds like lots of our husbands need to get together! I think owning his own brewery would be my husband's dream job.
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Monique
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Tina P.
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LucyP wrote:
| Tina, just to clarify I did not mean being military was bad - just that, with the situation with Iraq and Afghanistan, I would feel my dh was much better off doing what he was doing than being deployed in that area. |
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I knew what you meant, Lucy. It just made me smile. I was happy while he was in the military. It just happened to work out well that he retired without having to deploy.
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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juststartn
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DH just left the Army (deployed many many times)....he hates his current job, but we HAVE to have it. HAVE TO. Even with his retirement income, we're barely squeeking by, and if we don't get the upgrade from the VA soon, we'll be in deep poo, financially.
He'd rather be at home, working around here (we've got 10 acres, and a big garden, and animals to care for)--but we've GOT to pay the bills.
Rachel
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Jess
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We could open up a big homeschool dad's brewery! Hey that's science, right???
My dh likes/hates his job. I know that sounds funny, but he likes parts of it, but hates parts too. He is military and has deployed twice and in his almost 9yrs in the military he has been gone for almost 4. That is one of the parts he hates (along with politics type stuff in the military). He likes what he does (when he gets to do it) and he likes the field he is in and the fact that he is serving his country and protecting our freedom. He would love to stay home, but military life is what is best for our family so that is where he will stay until he retires. I try to make home a haven for him so he can relax and really enjoy the time he is at home, because we all know he will have to go away again pretty soon.
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folklaur
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My dh likes his job - now. Before getting on with Cirque, he spent many, many, many years having a job he didn't like - and a few he hated (well, multiple jobs he disliked, as one was never enough to cover the bills - such is the life of a theatrical stagehand/AV guy/Museum exhibit builder.)
But all those experiences (including the horrible ones) taught him different skills that he needed to get this job. Where we only need one job (just one! once when we did our taxes we had 11 w2 - because each stagehand contract is a "different employer") and maybe, just maybe, we will finally have a savings account and a retirement account. I used to pray so, so hard about our job situation - and often felt like there was no way it was going to get better. And it took 20 years for us to get here to where we are just starting to think that soon, we may be okay (once the house situation is resolved). I know now that some of those horrible jobs (with horrible, horrible bosses) were places where he needed the skills to get this job. God just needed me to be patient. (I am SO not good at that ).
Oh - and my dh would love the brewery, too  . My Mom go him a home brewery kit a few years back for Christmas.
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SusanMc
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My husband works in academia and loves his profession but at times has issues with his workplace or coworkers. When times get tough I do my best not to dwell on the workplace drama in our conversations even though it is tempting to badmouth those who are treating him unfairly in my opinion. Instead I focus on what is going well or other topics of conversation entirely. I avoid unecessary discussions about finances, or more importantly, my financial anxieties.
I like to give him lots of admiration for how hard he works and what a great provider he is so even when things are rough, he can find meaning in his vocation as a breadwinner if all else is going south that day.
My darling just got tenure this year which means that we now have much more job security than ever before and for that we are really grateful.
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vmalott
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I think my husband likes his job enough, but I will tell you one thing that made a HUGE difference. After our fifth child was born, my husband was able to make an arrangement with his company that he could work 2-3 days from home, and the rest of the week he would go into the office. He realized just how much time got wasted in the office, being constantly interrupted by co-workers to chat, taking *lots* of time for lunch, etc. In essence, he (and apparently the company) realized he could be much more efficient at home.
Since that time, he has had about 2-3 job changes, (within the same industry) mostly because the smaller companies were bought by larger companies, though the most recent change was because he was 'let go.' He's in sales (computer industry w/large companies), so he tends to travel frequently. But each new job he has made sure he can work from home because he likes it so much. And the travel is much less of a burden when we get to have him home with us the rest of the time.
Had you told me when we got married that we'd have this many kids, all being homeschooled, with my husband working out of a home office in the basement, I would've told you you were insane!
Tina, is there any way working from home (even in a dull, sedentary, behind-the-computer job) could be an option for your family? I know it takes discipline and SPACE, which not everyone has...but it is soooo worth it. Lots of companies are moving towards tele-commuters, so it's not as pie-in-the-sky as it used to seem years ago. Worth a shot...
Valerie
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Valerie
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Tina P.
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Valerie, that would be a great compromise for him. But it takes his company's approval. He'd asked before for a similar arrangement and they said "no." He's in the process of applying for a new position at a new company that's an awful lot closer to home. It looks interesting and is in his area of expertise. Please pray for him!
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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monique
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Wow, Tina that sounds great. We'll pray that he gets the new job and is much happier!
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Monique
mom to 5
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Is your husband happy with his job?
