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momtimesfour
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My ds just turned 13yo!  I'm not sure how this happened so quickly, lol.
The issue I'm really struggling with as I try to plan for next year is his apparent lack of interest in anything other than video games. This is not a child who is allowed to spend hour upon hour playing - he's allowed 1 hour a day, if there's time (lately there always seems to be time because he's doing the BARE minimum in schoolwork to get by). We're considering limiting it only to the weekends, but we don't want to create the "forbidden fruit" mentality with this and end up further entrenching the desire to escape real life. I've tried asking him in several ways what seems interesting to him and I get a grunt in response. How am I supposed to educate him if I can't get him interested? When I was 13, I had a laundry list of "things to be when I grow up." I get no such list from him. A friend recommended making his writing assignments center on games, but honestly I do NOT want to read or hear another word about a game. I might shriek and need to be carted off to the funny farm.
Please tell me that eventually teens start to get interested in real life. And HOW does it happen? What do you do?
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websterm
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I can't wait to hear from people on this! Great post! Always looking for wisdom from those who have gotten into the teen years.
Marcia
My Thoughts While Learning
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Kristie 4
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Love to hear some on this too. My ds13 has definitely gotten to a place of less diverse interests as well these days....
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Maddie
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Personally, I would ditch all the games, now. He'll get over it. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy. He'll adjust in the next month or so but it'll be painful. You might appreciate this article.
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Maria B.
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I am with Maddie. Get rid of the video games. I have learned the hard way with one of my kids. It is not worth the battle later when he is older. If kids have free time they should be looking for better things to do with their time than video games, text messaging, TV, DS, etc. Reading, playing, conversing, exercise outdoors, etc. will be better for him now and in the future. I know it is not easy, but "Pay now or pay later". I will pray for you!
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momtimesfour
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Maddie, that was an interesting article. Funny - I had just been commenting to my husband that I have discovered that forums are MY crack cocaine! I used those very words! I lose so much of my day "just checking my email" or "just checking the boards." As a SAHM with little kids, the lure of grownup conversations is a temptation I regularly fall into.
Maria, thank you for sharing that.
We'd assumed that limiting his time would take care of the problem by itself because so many of today's games require big blocks of time to play to "get to the next level." It seems reasonable that if he can't play for the amount of time it takes to finish a game, then he'd lose interest. I think the fact that his friends, mostly homeschooled and who all have unlimited game time, love their games so much sucks him in.
I think until his own imagination kicks back in, I'll have to do some creative "suggesting" of what to do with his time.
Any ideas?
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teachingmyown
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First of all, 13 yr olds grunt.
Second, I have really been thinking about this as my almost 17 yr old is just barely passing in school. I have come to believe that the manufactured state of being called adolescence kills our children's, especially the boys, motivation for life. Our society basically relegates teens to a life without real meaning. It is the whole "teens will be teens" mentality. But, they are old enough to feel, even if they cannot articulate it, that they should be productive members of society. When they are stuck in a classroom (my child) or even sitting at home with mom and younger siblings, they aren't being challenged enough.
Some kids reach out and find meaning, either by throwing themselves into their studies with a future goal in mind or by going out into the "world" and trying to make an impact. Sadly, most don't, especially those in school. Instead, they buy into the idea that this is the time of life to be carefree and irresponsible. I think that school work can seem pretty pointless if one doesn't embrace the reasons for doing it.
I am still working on the answer. I have been reading TJEd, unschooling books and Newt Gingrich's book "Real Change".
I am trying to undo major damage. I would hope to spare others the same path. If your child is not one to seek out meaning, you need to help him before it is too late.
It is an overwhelming thought if you have lots of little ones, but your oldest is leading the way. It is worth the investment.
Good luck.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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momtimesfour
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Thank you, Molly.
Your post parallels an ongoing conversation my husband and I are having about our ds. We DO think he needs more than being home with me and the younger kids - and the younger kids need to see him challenged as well. I think you are on to something here.
As my son's birthday was approaching, I could feel myself just shrinking at the overwhelming task of getting him through the next 5 years. I'm struggling with how much to let go and how much to "take charge" with him.
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LLR4
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Well I don't have a teen yet...but can I still share some ideas?? I have a mature 10 year old...girl. I have worked with teens a lot, and have reflected a lot on what did and didn't work in my own teen hood, which tested my parents to their limits > trust me on that.  So as an inexperienced teen parent so far, this is what comes to mind that I think I would do:
(1) I'd sit my teen down one on one with you, and let them know in a gentle but firm way that the 2 of you need to communicate, and neither one of you are getting up until you do. (I'd set that time ahead of time so they knows it's coming, can consider co-operating, and you have time yourself for any stubbornness that may take place. lol)
2) At that time I would tell my child that privileges are earned through responsibility, obedience and respect.
(I'm not a fan of video games at all personally, as I feel like it rewires their brain or something. I can see a difference in them immediately....when they are done they are all scrambled or something. Same with a long length of TV...even the very good kind.) If I wanted to allow some limited gaming, it would be ONLY if they are doing their best in their schoolwork, getting the best grades THEY can (which varies, we all know), if they are being responsible with what is their duty, and if they work hard at being respectful. It's just like life....you need to earn the things you want, and they are more appreciated when they are earned, than just given. Frankly, I do the same thing with my 5 year olds...privileges are earned, which is a natural reward for good choices and behavior, and taken away for the opposite. It prepares them for the work world too....do well at your job, keep your job or maybe even be promoted. Do poorly and get demoted or fired.
3)Lastly, I would help them see that by sharing what they are most interested in now, they have the opportunity to have a year more focused around what THEY want to do or study. What they are MOST interested in, anyway. By by not having any thoughts or suggestions, they will have to take what they get, like it or not. And it'll have to be done well with their best efforts, if they want privileges.
* I hope that comes across as nicely as I intend. It is just my opinion on what I think I would do. I hope any tiny bit of it is helpful in some way. It's good for me to ponder these things too, now. Perhaps it'll prepare me if I get a 'grunter' when my times comes. lol Meanwhile, I can pray for your situation, and I will.
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Blessed: Mama to dd{A}13 y.o., and 7 y.o. triplets ds{J}, dd{O}, ds{S} and wife to Michael
Our House of Joyful Noise
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websterm
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My 13 yr old daughter and I have date nights - we go out to eat together which is a big treat for us. I have started reading Hold Onto Your Kids hoping it will enlighten me
I don't want to be in the mind set of "teens will be teens" like teachingmyown said. My 13 yr old and also 14 yr old are both in public school UGH! I do agree though that having them home is not the perfect solutions, however I do think if they had been home from the beginning like my 2 yr will be, that some issues don't come up, or don't come up with so much attitude! Maybe I am delusional - I don't know, I will let you know when my 2 yr old is 13  I do think there has to be a happy medium for teenagers - they are not little kids, but they are not adults either. It's finding that happy middle that I am trying for. I'm not sure where that is though!
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momtimesfour
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Laura, those are some good points. I did tell my ds that while I'm planning the next several years of school, I will be looking for his input on content and materials. He needs to see what the goals are (and have some of his own) and how we're going to get them accomplished. I like your idea of earning privileges. It's clear he sees games as an entitlement and that has to change.
Websterm, thanks for the date night idea. I think that's brilliant.
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teachingmyown
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Let me just add that for so many kids, school is NOT the answer! Between killing their initiative and exposing them to so much garbage, it can be a horrible mistake. It is truly my biggest regret.
They really need to feel needed, relevant and taken seriously. Maybe we could come up with ways to accomplish that?
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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Maddie
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teachingmyown wrote:
They really need to feel needed, relevant and taken seriously. Maybe we could come up with ways to accomplish that? |
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Exactly! I have two "big" guys, 17 and 13. They are my spare men when Daddy isn't home. I used to worry that if I let my boys try to fix something that broke while daddy was away they would completely ruin it, but I have tried to relax and let them try. I have been amazed at what they have been able to accomplish. Since I have given them that responsibility and respect, they are more likely to come to me with projects they want to tackle.
They are still young so there are days I still want to bang my head against the wall but I love watching the boys call their father at work to consult him before they try to fix something or work with him when he is home. Boys love to be useful and they love when I appreciate what they've done. Depending on the extensiveness of the project, I make sure they have a "man's meal" ready for when they are done. Then I sit back and listen to them rehash what they did.
I really believe you have to keep boys active and let them be BOYS. (that is probably a whole different conversation: today's feminizing of boys) Boys need physical activity, sleep, and lots of food. I know this is very simplified but it seems to be working for my Little Men. 
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Lara Sauer
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If your son is unmotivated, I would definitely agree with those who encouraged you to get rid of the video games.
Then I would immediately start giving him more responsibilities around the house that you expect completed. Boys of that age really need to do some hard physical labor...can he weed the garden/flower beds or even cut the lawn (my oldest did not start until he was 15 because he didn't have the strength to start the mower) but he was certainly able to use the weedwhacker! Perhaps he could be responsible for cleaning and vacuuming the family cars on Saturday mornings. (I think I will implement this idea myself...I am not sure why I never thought of it before!)
However, you also need to start praising him. Not necessarily about his new responsibilities, but rather just about who he is...how proud you are of having him for a son. You like the way he ties his own shoes...whatever. Just get into the habit of letting him know you think he is one super kid and your so glad that God decided to put him into your family. Words of praise are essential to his healthy development. If he believes that you believe in him he will begin to believe in himself.
You will be in my prayers.
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You can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl!
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LLR4
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Still reading along here after my own post in this thread....
I just wanted to agree with and encourage the great points too about connecting in a loving/fun way (dates are great as someone said), and praising them > pointing out positives. I do those things very regularly myself with my own kids because I can see the good that comes out of it immediately.
Great advice you've gotten from everyone here, momtimesfour. I'm happy for you that you are getting lots of great advice and support!
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~ Laura
Blessed: Mama to dd{A}13 y.o., and 7 y.o. triplets ds{J}, dd{O}, ds{S} and wife to Michael
Our House of Joyful Noise
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momtimesfour
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Lara Sauer wrote:
Then I would immediately start giving him more responsibilities around the house that you expect completed. ...
However, you also need to start praising him. Not necessarily about his new responsibilities, but rather just about who he is...how proud you are of having him for a son. ...
You will be in my prayers. |
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Responsibilities. My magic word. We do give the kids chores according to ability. My 13yo does have chores (dishes, bathrooms, various yardwork) and also does the lawn care at my parents' house every summer. Maybe I need to rethink this to be sure there's enough.
Praise... I try. I really do. Some days are easier than others. But I thank you for the reminder to be conscious of it. And I appreciate the prayers!
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momtimesfour
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Thank you all for the advice and prayers!
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LisaR
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We have had the opposite result, with our ds in a very strong Catholic High School this past year as a freshman. with many male role models/teachers/chaplains/coaches (can you believe a former pro football player with a Pray the rosary daily for peace on earth! bumper sticker??) and daily Mass and weekly confession.
I think ds started to thrive on external (out of the home) motivators around age 13. Boy Scouts (he is almost done with Eagle project!), Jobs, another teacher besides me, etc. really helped him to mature.
I do not think he was the type to self motivate/self school well, which is what was happening at home.
it was amazing to see him (and he is still doing it this summer!) writing his goals down in a planner/communicating to us via a white board on the fridge, making his own calls to set up appts, carpools, etc.
we went through the video game thing too.
for every article saying how "evil" they were, I could find one which said how helpful they were for pilots, engineers, etc and the eye/hand coordination, blah blah blah.
He finally can self govern in that area, stating, I'm going to play X Box for an hour, and then go work on xyz.. where's the timer??
ds has no clue what he wants to do when he "grows up" but we do not buy into the "teen" mentality at all. we talk to him with respect, and just assume that he will in return.
sure he is squirrley, but I do not react to his emotional ups and downs, and he is starting to mellow out.
I think being very busy leaves not alot of room for "teen-ish" behaviour. dh always has a job going- reroofing, reflooring, landscaping, etc that also keeps ds's plenty worn out as well.
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
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Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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LisaR
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I like the praise also, and I do think school is not the answer, but maybe having to be responsible to someone other than mom or dad at this age can be very rewarding.
I attended a Classical Conversations practicum recently, and the talk often centered around the three stages of learning. that since the 1950's or so we have veered to the opposite of what the norm was for 1000+ years. now we give our littles lots of choices, and ask them to write creatively, etc, not grading grammar, spelling, lots of options with creative discipline, etc, and then when they hit the 12-13 age range we freak out and "get serious" and discipline, discipline, discipline to make up for lost time, crack down on academics, etc.
where the true model would be to allow the child, as he enters the rhetorical and logical stage to dialoge with the parents, "teach" others what they know (instead of the regurgitating facts, or "because I'm the mom and I said so" discipline)
I also like the idea of strewing books on all subjects, putting up interesting articles from websites, magazines, etc on the fridge, and see what is a conversation starter..
ds wakes up early (either 5:15 or 6:15) to read all of the library books we've checked out before leaving for school.
but he would be mortified if I caught on that I even knew he did this!!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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LisaR
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teachingmyown wrote:
Instead, they buy into the idea that this is the time of life to be carefree and irresponsible. I think that school work can seem pretty pointless if one doesn't embrace the reasons for doing it.
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this is so interesting. I just spoke with a mom of 6 in Wichita today. her oldest ds is a former homeschooler who recently finished freshman year at Catholic High School. She was saying how none of the kids really have jobs, where I was mentioning that I was shocked in the parking lot yesterday for equipment day (football) to talk to many moms who said their 14-15 y/o sons had serious summer jobs. I even said "well, Joe won't be 15 til July, so that is why he is going to Boy Scout Camp counselor in training instead of a paid job." and these moms gave all kinds of examples of the creative jobs their sons were doing. these are wealthy families, with Hummers,large expensive new homes, etc. and yet it is expected and assumed that their kids will work.
Do you think certain areas of the country have a stronger attitude than others about work ethic for teens? or that certain areas "need" or "value" teens more for jobs???
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Combatting lack of interest in teen
