| Author | |
Leslie
Forum Rookie
Joined: Jan 27 2008
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 74
|
| Posted: May 27 2008 at 10:31pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Several things have me thinking about the journey of becoming the parents we are meant to be.
I love ideas. Searching for ideas lead me to this forum (and I am so grateful for the abundance of ideas available here!).
One area in general where I sometimes feel overwhelmed by ideas is in the realm of parenting. There is my own upbrigning, which like many people, leaves me with choices I want to replicate and some I want to avoid. Then there are respected friends who suggest a method that works for them. My children's godparents felt really strongly about one method of helping babies sleep at a young age. They were an experienced catholic family and I look up to them and think they are wonderful parents! I did indeed use the method they suggested with two of my children, but by number 3 was really re-thinking how I felt about it. I still respect my friends deeply and think they are some of the best parents I know. Still, over time, I've come to find that I'm not comfortable making some of the same choices. It took time, though...and two kids...and contemplating more ideas from more people and sources I respect.
I feel like my job as a mother is a work in progress. I have this vision that I would like to have wisdom and poise and confidence in all my choices as a mother. The reality, however, is that I try things for a while and sometimes question whether they are working. Circumstances change and instead of poise, I find myself doing one thing I *know* I want to avoid: inconsistency.
My question to all the experienced mom's out there (and maybe some of you have this figured out a lot faster than I do  ) is did you always know your parenting style (for lack of a better word)? Was it something you had researched and figured out before your first child was born? Has your approach changed with the number of children you've had, your age, your life experiences? Was there (is there) ever a time when you rest confidently in the choices you are making for your family or is it always a process of trial and error, mistakes and learning?
Am I the only person who frets over this? 
Peace,
Leslie
__________________
Leslie
Mom to Kyler 6, Maddie 4, & Lucas 2
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: May 27 2008 at 10:43pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I don't tend to jump into things.. so I'll often hear of a new idea or read a book or such.. and then just let it "rest" a while.. the ones that really resonate with me tend to be the ideas that don't get lost with time.
So I tend to think ahead. My oldest is only 11 and I've already read several things on dating/courting.. it gives me time to let the ideas rest.. and gives me time to mention things to dh.. he also tends to mull over things and doesn't like being surprised or give quick opinions.. so I'll often tell him about something I've heard or read.. and then let that conversation drop and not bring it up again for a month or more.. usually by then dh has had time to think it over and the second time I bring it up.. we can actually have something resembling a conversation
So often I don't have as much trial and error.. though with kids there's always going to be some of that.. some things will work with some kids and won't with some kids.. so the more kids you have the better chance you have of just about everything failing at least once
One of the best truisms I've heard about parenting is
"You do the best you can with the information you have at the time."
Which helps me not fret over things that I later decide were not the best choice.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: May 28 2008 at 2:09am | IP Logged
|
|
|
It's a really good question.
My mother taught me "pray all the time" and "learn from mistakes". Those are the things that seem to help me again and again.
It took me a long time to find my "style". Oh, I knew, really, but I was much more likely to get confused by conflicting opinions because after all, my own methods weren't tested-and-true.
For example, I tried very hard at one point to have a "scheduled" child, because I had read that it was unChristian to let the child set its own rhythm.
This scheduling SO did not work that I prayed and evaluated and finally went with what seemed best for me, my infant and my family.
As I get older I don't think I'm really more settled, but I'm more likely to be a bit suspicious of very confident, simple advice. I've also seen good results from following the methods that work for our own particular family, so I've gotten more comfortable with that.
I've also observed that there are many ways to raise a child well. All parents have different temperaments, and they all have to work to balance out the weak areas while developing in the strong areas.
About inconsistency -- I think that word refers to parents who are not reasonable -- who let an infraction pass at one moment with no comment and fly off the handle at another time for the same thing. I've seen that quite a bit in grocery stores and the like, and learned that it's hard for the *relationship* -- it would be like having a friend or a spouse who was joking one minute and taking offense the next. I don't think a bit of flexibility hurts in parenting though, in the context of a loving relationship.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Sarah M
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 06 2008
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1423
|
| Posted: May 28 2008 at 11:49am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Willa wrote:
As I get older I don't think I'm really more settled, but I'm more likely to be a bit suspicious of very confident, simple advice. I've also seen good results from following the methods that work for our own particular family, so I've gotten more comfortable with that.
|
|
|
I'm at the beginning of my parenting journey (my oldest is only 6), but I'm beginning to realize this same thing, Willa- and very confident simple advice doesn't sit well with me.
When my oldest was a newborn, I thought I was doing things all wrong because I wanted to listen to my instincts, but thought I should be following a strict regimen (that's what all my Christian friends were doing- and what I was reading, as well). By the time my 3rd was born, I realized that God has an individual plan for each family, and that what works for someone else may not work for me. It reminds me of what Elizabeth says about curriculum- that no one else's curriculum will be a perfect match for my family, because our family is not like anyone else's. We have a different plan because God made us unique. So I'm trying to remember that whole idea in parenting in general. That what works for someone else's family may not work for mine- and that what works for my family may not work for us 2 years from now.
It seems like just when I get things figured out and we get settled, things change and we have to change with them. But I suppose that's part of growing and living and learning to trust in God for all things.
I want to chime in with Leslie and say that the advice from all of you seasoned mothers means more to me than I can express. I feel so blessed to have this group of knowledgable Catholic women who are so devoted to God and to family.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
time4tea
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 02 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 511
|
| Posted: May 28 2008 at 1:44pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
No, I did not research parenting styles before having our oldest, now 15. Yes, some of it has been by trial and error. And yes, I am still figuring it out and learning to relax. I do not think I will have figured it out until some day, after each of our dc is grown and gone, that I will finally figure it out that I did indeed have it "figured out" much better than I thought! There are a few things, though, that I became convinced of very early on after our oldest was born that still drive my parenting to this day, and those convictions are all derived from attachment parenting. They are, in no specific order: extended breastfeeding, the family bed, and giving family and family relationships the high priority they deserve, which for me is a part of what drove me to investigate homeschooling. I wanted a chance to really connect and share life with my dc, because they are so important to me. While I know that they will slip through my fingers eventually, I want them to be left with the imprint of my heart on them, like wet sand is left with the imprint of whoever worked it last. I don't want them to be like dry sand, just slipping through my fingers into the vast dunes of the seashore, unrecognizable from the rest.
Being a mother has been the singularly most difficult work I have ever undertaken, and yet, it has been the most rewarding. I suppose it's why when people ask me, as they look at my now 9 month old dd, "Are you done?", I say, "No, I'm never done."
__________________
Blessings to you!
~Tea
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Vanna
Forum Pro
Joined: May 09 2008
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 331
|
| Posted: May 29 2008 at 10:28am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I decided at some point that I can only be who I am in life and that is in my parenting too. I'm a fun, laughing, light-hearted, crazy woman. So therefore, I'm a fun, laughing, light-hearted, crazy mom. I give respect (usually...if anyone read my post about my kid yelling at the elderly people, then you know I have my moments..lol) and I expect respect. My children are always free to disagree with me as long as they do so in a polite, repectful manner. I truly believe that there is no one way to raise children. What works great in my family may fail miserably in another.
I think the best advice is just to be you. God gave YOU these specific children for a specific purpose. He knew YOU could raise them up to accomplish that purpose. Don't change who you are or what your instinctual parenting "technique" is because someone or a book tells you this is how it should be done. Example...My sister-in-law swears by the Babywise philosophy. She has great kids. I read the book and decided that it is the exact opposite of what I believe parenting should be. I have great kids. It just depends on the family.
I have read all the books, watched SuperNanny, listened to all of the advice and it all comes down to this...live, laugh, love.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Leslie
Forum Rookie
Joined: Jan 27 2008
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 74
|
| Posted: May 29 2008 at 11:34am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I haven't quite figured out how to quote everyone the right way...so I'll just say THANK YOU for your thoughtful responses. All of them. Thank you for putting voice to something I'm just starting to feel and can't quite put into words. You have all caputred pieces of my thoughts about God wanting us to be the parents *we* are meant to be--and no expert can outline that exactly for any of us.
Again, I am humbled by the thoughtful, faithful, generous women on this board and grateful to have found you  .
Peace,
Leslie
__________________
Leslie
Mom to Kyler 6, Maddie 4, & Lucas 2
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Sarah M
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 06 2008
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1423
|
| Posted: May 29 2008 at 11:40am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Vanna wrote:
I have read all the books, watched SuperNanny, listened to all of the advice and it all comes down to this...live, laugh, love.
|
|
|
Love this. So, so true. I find certain books that jive better with me, but I don't subscribe to any of them 100%.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: When did you start to figure it out?
